Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think children and older people come first and second at Christmas...

51 replies

manicinsomniac · 22/12/2015 21:38

... and that healthy, young and middle aged adults really need to just work around those family members that fit into the first two groups?

I hear a lot about Christmas being hard work, a lot of pressure, too much effort, anxiety inducing etc and a lot about not wanting elderly relatives in the house or not wanting children out of the house.

But my perspective is that yes, it can be very stressful and a lot of work and it can seem like a whole lot more effort than it's worth but that, as long as the children and the elderly in my family, feel happy and surrounded by those who love them then it doesn't really matter about the rest of us. We've had our turn as children and, with luck, we'll have it again as the older generation of the family.

Personally, I dislike Christmas (my Dad died at Christmas time a long time ago). I would like to have a quiet time with my 3 children (their Dads aren't in the picture at all). But, for my mum, spending time with my Dad's extended family (huuuuge!) makes her feel like he is still here. It makes me feel the hole where he should be even more acutely. But my feelings must come second to hers and I get that. I can't even contemplate not putting her, my grandparents, my children and the other family children before the wishes of the adults.

AIBU?

OP posts:
swansolistice · 22/12/2015 21:40

I don't personally think Christmas is very important

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 22/12/2015 21:43

I think I must have had too many snowballs so I'll guess at .....erm....yes

nameschangerer · 22/12/2015 21:43

Yes you're being unreasonable. But in a very selfless way which is admirable.

The posts I've seen recently about not wanting children out the house is because they have more fun. Not because of adults anxiety.

Christmas is for family. The whole family adults including children and elderly.

BitchPeas · 22/12/2015 21:44

YANBU

I completely agree with you. Sorry for your loss Flowers

When you are 18-60 you just need to suck it up and get on with it imho. Same goes for Mother's Day Wink

ethelb · 22/12/2015 21:45

Yabu a healthy family relationship involves considering other people's needs. Sometimes the needs of children and old people are larger. Sometimes...

gleam · 22/12/2015 21:45

YABU. I think adults are important too.

Original poster
manicinsomniac · 22/12/2015 21:47

Yes, 18-60 seems like a good guide BitchPeas

Namechanger - I didn't get this from posts but from people irl - I was mainly referring to people who don't want their children to spend time with the NRP - understandable but usually more about their loss than the child's opportunity to build a relationship with their other parent.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 22/12/2015 21:50

No I don't think one adults needs or wishes trump those of another adult just because of age. You are being very kind and selfless. But if something hurts you that much then maybe you need to consider your own needs a little bit more.

maryann1975 · 22/12/2015 21:51

I do kind of agree with you op, that it's important to me that my children and elderly grandparents are happy over the festive season, but we also try to make it a lovely time for the Middle generations too. We are putting in all the work to make it nice for the young and old, so it seems only right we should enjoy it too. A thriving family needs its adults to feel valued and appreciated.

My dm and I often comment around mothers day that it is our relationship that suffers, I am busy with the children, she is busy with her elderly mum, but that's just the way it is.

CFSsucks · 22/12/2015 21:52

YABU. I love Christmas and I don't see why a 70 year old trumps a 40 year old. Children come first in my eyes then everyone else. I don't see some hierarchy with adults who aren't elderly coming bottom to everyone else.

Saz12 · 22/12/2015 22:04

It is a time for families, and that should include all generations - the grandparents, and great grandparents (if you're lucky) are as important as anyone else, even if they're not so great at choosing DVD's and are a bit slow with the potato-peeler!

It IS a lot of work, and the food is ££, but really it's great to host Christmas, and it's just the prospect that makes people stress online.

MissFitt68 · 22/12/2015 22:04

Yabu... It's for everyone equally

MidniteScribbler · 22/12/2015 22:09

The phrase 'Christmas is for children' makes me want to throw up. Christmas is for everyone who wants to participate, and it is possible to take everyone in to consideration.

ottothedog · 22/12/2015 22:10

Its just for the kids really imo.

ishallconquerthat · 22/12/2015 22:11

YANBU. It's refreshing to see someone putting other people's needs first, for a change. I like the 18-60 years rule :)

ottothedog · 22/12/2015 22:11

Oops sorry MidniteScribbler :)

PurpleDaisies · 22/12/2015 22:13

I don't agree with you op. Every member of my family is important. Equally important.

Original poster
manicinsomniac · 22/12/2015 22:14

Oh, I do think it's good and of course ideal if everyone gets to enjoy it.

But, on occasions where some people's needs have to go before others, I think those who are most easily able to adapt and go with the flow (usually the healthy adults) should do so. And, although I don't necessarily think older people in general trump younger adults, in the case of families I do - they've raised the rest of us and deserve more consideration when they are more likely to be less fit and alone.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 22/12/2015 22:16

YABU

If my grandparents or DH's grandparents were still alive I'd think about them at Christmas because they were nice people. My parents aren't, and they've gone abroad anyway. PILs can't be arsed with us or our kids, they'd rather write a passive aggressive letter and stick it in a birthday card than phone their grandchildren.

The people I put first at Christmas, and always will, are my kids who are 19&21, then DH and I. If you're a cunt all year long, don't expect your feelings to be considered at Christmas.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/12/2015 22:18

What about those of us who have parents who didn't put us first as children and we don't expect our children to put us first when we're old? Do we get to enjoy it now?

There's no way I'm putting FIL ahead of DH and I in the running to be happy at Christmas.

Quornmakesmefart · 22/12/2015 22:19

Sorry but YABU IMO.

In our house Christmas is for everybody. DH and I put as much time and effort into gifts for each other as we do for the DC. We all pitch in with the cooking, etc and everybody gets to enjoy the day. I also lost a parent at Christmas so I understand completely that Christmas is never quite the same, but I know my dad (as someone who also loved Christmas) would want us to all be happy Smile.

amarmai · 22/12/2015 22:20

just for the kids imo2

HesterShaw · 22/12/2015 22:24

YANBU. I'm fed up of hearing that Christmas is for children. It's for everyone.

But you don't have to bow to all the pressure do you?

HesterShaw · 22/12/2015 22:26

Oops, I think I read your post too hastily and got the wrong end of the stick.

However I do really dislike the "Christmas is just for children" thing.

Flingingmelon · 22/12/2015 22:26

YABabitU. But then I think when it comes to Christmas everybody is. Most other celebrations only spotlight one or two people, birthdays or weddings for example, and making it special for one or two is a relatively straight forward task. But inviting eight or more people and trying to make it super special for everyone is like herding cats, I don't know why we even put ourselves through it.