to think children and older people come first and second at Christmas...

[manicinsomniac]

... and that healthy, young and middle aged adults really need to just work around those family members that fit into the first two groups?

I hear a lot about Christmas being hard work, a lot of pressure, too much effort, anxiety inducing etc and a lot about not wanting elderly relatives in the house or not wanting children out of the house.

But my perspective is that yes, it can be very stressful and a lot of work and it can seem like a whole lot more effort than it's worth but that, as long as the children and the elderly in my family, feel happy and surrounded by those who love them then it doesn't really matter about the rest of us. We've had our turn as children and, with luck, we'll have it again as the older generation of the family.

Personally, I dislike Christmas (my Dad died at Christmas time a long time ago). I would like to have a quiet time with my 3 children (their Dads aren't in the picture at all). But, for my mum, spending time with my Dad's extended family (huuuuge!) makes her feel like he is still here. It makes me feel the hole where he should be even more acutely. But my feelings must come second to hers and I get that. I can't even contemplate not putting her, my grandparents, my children and the other family children before the wishes of the adults.

AIBU?

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

I wouldn't set "elderly" at 60! But certainly those who are no longer able to do as much for themselves or aren't able to travel due to health issues, should be a priority. So my grandparents in their 80s (gdad has dementia, both have health issues) yes. My parents in their early 60s, working and in good health. No not really.

Obviously I'm not saying I'm horrible to everyone! But I wouldn't make myself miserable to make my healthy, working parents happy for one day of the year. Not that they'd expect me to btw.

Christmas is going to mean compromise if you have lots of people wanting their way, but generally that should be everyone gets a little of their way and gives a little up.

[PearSoup]

I think Christmas is about sharing time with loved ones. Be them young, old, family or friend. fAther Christmas is for the children.

It's also the perfect time to show children that others are important too and that is good to show people, regardless of their age, that we care about them.

[sandgrown]

What a lovely post Santapaws. I think you have got it just right. My DGC only have one grandparent who is fairly immobile and no longer wants to travel to us. She will go to local relatives but on 27th we will transport a full lunch to her house. The DC are getting older and realise their nana might not be around for many more years.

[Orda1]

Sorry, I think it's for everyone. Children of course just find it more magical.

[WhirlwindHugs]

I don't think so.

Generally it's possible to come up with a day that most people enjoy most of the time.

Sometimes it isn't, but it shouldn't always be the same people miserable (unless they are arseholes!). It's very damaging to always put yourself last.

[Floppityflop]

I think the problem is that if you are 18-60 you are most probably working or studying and all these things you have to do for Christmas on top of your usual workload and chores. That's why my parents now come to us because although it's time consuming to shop for and prepare the Xmas food, it's also more time consuming to travel and have to take time off work. They usually bring a contribution (cake, drinks etc.). On the other hand, Christmas can be the one time when there could be less work and I can see why people might want some time to themselves.

[CPtart]

YABU. Older people shouldn't get preferential treatment because of their age. There's too many that think they should already, causing problems for the rest of the year. And that applies to children to some extent.

[StrapOnDodo]

I'm not religious, but Jesus told off Martha (the martyr) for not enjoying his visit to her house because she was busy Doing All The Work. He told her to sit down and relax...

[StrapOnDodo]

It is a false dichotomy. It needn't be either you or others having a good time. You can enjoy yourself too, even whilst helping others to enjoy themselves. At any time of year.

[TheBunnyOfDoom]

Doesn't it depend on the individual families?

My parents really don't do Christmas in the traditional sense, and if I suggested seeing them (involves driving six hours each way) over spending quality time with DP, they would laugh and tell me not to be so ridiculous.

I think EVERYONE needs to be flexible over Christmas. I used to have big Christmas's as a kid - cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents - and I loved it. But now my family are all over the world so now Christmas is me and DP, and maybe some friends. I would rather see my family but distances/work etc. dictate that that can't happen without a load of expense that I can't afford.

I don't think Christmas is for DC, though. It's for everyone and everyone's needs have to be taken into consideration.

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

What Wildf1re said.

Doesn't it depend a bit what kind of Christmas you're having, too? Presents and big feast and cards and toys can be very child-focused but if you're having a faith-based Christmas then it's just as important to the single person in their 30s as it is to families to be able to celebrate on the day.

[WiIdfire]

So given one member of the team has to work the christmas shift, that should be the childless person each year, should it?

Should my boy come first even though ge is 6 months old and wont even notice?

[madmomma]

Totally agree OP. Yanbu

[StarryStarryElf]

But, on occasions where some people's needs have to go before others, I think those who are most easily able to adapt and go with the flow (usually the healthy adults) should do so. I think that depends to what cost?
It makes me feel the hole where he should be even more acutely. I think that you need to stop doing this every year and be kind to yourself. What would your DCs enjoy? You don't need to put your needs second to your mothers for the rest of her life, surely that's what we all did as kids, we had to fit in with what our parents chose (holidays, were we lived, the clothes we wore ect...).

[Hihohoho1]

In some ways op but you reap what you sow in life.

Nice people are nice at 18,30,45,70.

Not nice people ditto.

Age is irrelevant.

[reni2]

The under 10s and over 80s come first for us. For a while we had no under 10s, so it was geared towards the elderly and everybody else got more picky and expensive over the years, then the next generation of young ones arrived and it is all about them now, with the elderly catered for and everybody else just sort of fitting in. Works well, both 80 tend to go to bed at 9 and then the rest can play.

[SantaPawsTheSequel]

Noah We'll enjoy lovely Christmases where we can all enjoy Bucks Fizz and Sloe Gin, good cheese and all that lovely stuff, just like I used to with my parents before I had kids. Then when we finally get grandchildren (assuming we do) then I'll make it all about them. Hopefully, when my parents are very elderly, my grown up children and I will work hard to ensure that their last Christmases are joyful - they deserve nothing less.

[MistressMerryWeather]

I think this is all rather dramatic.

Believe it or not most families just bump a long in life.

If I said to my parents and PILs that we would like to do our own Christmas one year they would be fine with it. They would be disappointed but it wouldn't be the end of the world.

If you spend 42 years 'going with the flow' where do your own traditions develop?

[NoahVale]

yeah but, your children will grow up, and then what will you do, when you are ALL adults.?

[Geraniumred]

Christmas is for children and extroverts. I would find it impossible to have a Christmas that pleased every member of the family. I enjoy odd moments of it and am mostly grateful when it is over.

[SantaPawsTheSequel]

True Hedgehog, we don't even send a card to DH's side of the family!

[manicinsomniac]

Yes, true, toxic and non supportive families not included. I suppose I do tend to assume those are very much in the minority of families though.

SantaPaws That's lovely and will be a special memory for you all forever, I'm sure.

[hedgehogsdontbite]

YABU because you're making statements about families based on your own and assuming it's the same for everyone else. If you had my family I expect you'd change your tune.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I agree with you. But I am the kind of person who likes to make things nice for other people at any time of year.

[SantaPawsTheSequel]

I agree OP, wholeheartedly. My first priority at Christmas are my DC, then after than my elderly Nan for as long as we are lucky enough to have her. I spent today cooking a full roast dinner and driving it round to her house with my DC to have a proper Christmas with her, she is housebound and can't come to ours for Christmas day.

She spent years supporting us as children when things were rough in the family and now, in her late 90s, its my turn to pay her back. My DC missed a Christmas party thrown by school friends to go and spend the day with their great-Nan. They were sad to miss a party but they know it's the right thing to do and I'm happy to show them that we value looking after family when they need it, be that through illness or age, even if it means we have to sacrifice something.

They all had a lovely day, my Nan was thrilled and my DC really enjoyed it. I had the most wonderful time, though it was a long hard day (up early to start cooking and lots of driving) because I got to see the fun between my elderly Nan and her great-grandkids. For me that beats any present that might be waiting for me under the tree. I took lots of photos of them all together, laughing and opening presents, that I will cherish.