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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I'll never attain this height of perfection

77 replies

Defnotsupergirl · 22/12/2015 07:59

Just seen the local "wonder mum"

Four children ages approx 10 -2 all impeccably turned out and well behaved. All pleasant and polite lovely happy children.

Mum always looks supermodel wonderful. She always has a beautific calm look on her face, waist length hair swishy and shiny. Nothing out of place. No smugness about her either, a thoroughly nice person. Even in a potentially stressful scenario as an airport first thing in the morning.
Husband of wonder mum also very pleasant nice person to be around.

AIBU to wonder why I cannot attain this scene of perfection? When DH, little supergirl and I go out in public together we are always scruffy at best, slovenly at worst, disorganised and stressy.....

Why oh why?

OP posts:

ItsMeImHere · 22/12/2015 08:03

I don't know the answer as to why, but you are DEFINITELY not alone

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 22/12/2015 08:07

Can I join the imperfect gang too? Even without DC in tow I couldn't manage calm with swishy hair!

Maybe she has a painting in the attic???

Enjolrass · 22/12/2015 08:08

Honestly I wouldn't worry about it.

Very few people's lives are perfect.

You have just describes my cousin. Except she is a single parent. Her kids are well behaved, always well turned out, she always look immaculate, her house looks great on photos, she has great relationships with the fathers of her children.

The truth is very far from that and her parents are very worried about her and the kids. Behind closed doors that level of outward perfection is stressful and draining. Cousin isn't coping well but you wouldn't know if you weren't close.

I have been round hers when getting the kids ready. Screaming and shouting, kids (toddlers and up) having to sit perfectly still while she finishes getting ready etc.

She feels so much pressure to keep up this 'perfect mum' act it's ruining her relationship with the kids.

She is making head way, but slowly.

I know this is an extreme, but you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

flanjabelle · 22/12/2015 08:08

She has a secret. She's not like that at home. No one could keep that shit up all the time. He's happy and lovely because he has a major painkiller addiction and is floating high. The kids are well behaved because she is holding their favourite toys ransom and has threatened beheading them if they step out of line. She is a secret sex addict and slips out at night to sleep with strange men. He doesn't care because of previously mentioned painkiller addiction. Sorry have I taken this too far?

Womaloosh · 22/12/2015 08:09

I'm far from perfect. I don't know why I can't manage life...

flanjabelle · 22/12/2015 08:10

Oh God enjol, Xpost. I don't mean to make fun of people like your cousin. I was just trying to make the op feel better. No one is perfect, we all struggle with something.

notafanofwinter · 22/12/2015 08:11

flan

cariadlet · 22/12/2015 08:15

This makes me think of Outnumbered when the 2 families are coming out of the house for the school run. I know which one is more like my family.

And the "perfect" family turned out not to be so perfect after all.

Pobspits · 22/12/2015 08:19

One of my good friends is like this. I would hate her if she wasn't to bloody nice!

BubsandMoo · 22/12/2015 08:20

Perfectionism feeds anxiety and depression. Setting ridiculously high standards, being critical and negative of yourself (and others) when standards are not met, yet not recognising/rewarding acheivement if you do (because you feel you/they should be perfect, as a minimum) is a road to very poor mental health and relationships. Children then grow up believing they have to be perfect too, and become adults with the same anxieties, continuing the cycle.

Much better to be accepting of yourself and work on a step at a time, give yourself credit for the things you do achieve, however small. Maybe then we become happier more relaxed and lovely people!

Enjolrass · 22/12/2015 08:22

flan don't worry it's fine!

I laughed at your post, it's usually the people you never expect that have have a dirty secret!

Original poster

Defnotsupergirl · 22/12/2015 08:22

Enjolrass glad your family member is tackling the problem.

Wondermum is someone you'd love to hate, all the mums round here agree. Just she's so darned nice! Maybe it is painkiller addiction as a previous poster said!

OP posts:

DiscoDiva70 · 22/12/2015 08:24

Just because some people seem to have the 'perfect family life' it doesn't mean they have.
You never know what goes on behind closed doors, and many people have a need to portray a happy family image where everything is rosy but the reality is often very different.

You only have to look on Facebook to realise,that people frequently present a false image to the world!

Bearsinmotion · 22/12/2015 08:25

I know a mum like this. I was really worried when DD and her DS became friends as she seemed (to me!) to be out of my friendship league! DD and the DS had other ideas and became best mates, now his mum and I are really good friends. As well as being beautiful and immaculate she really struggles with her 2 boys, had real problems with her job and hates it when her (lovely) DH works abroad, which he often does.

Basically, what PP all said about behind closed doors!

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 22/12/2015 08:26

We are not tidy, or that stylish...
Our home is always a bit messy... though we do keep it clean.

OTOH, we hold hands like teenagers when we walk to the pub with each other... I would rather be in love than stylish..

monkeymamma · 22/12/2015 08:28

I have swishy hair and lovely -if completely crazy-- kids. And at work/by friends I've been told I always seem so incredibly calm and unflappable.
However. The truth is quite different. DH laughed hysterically when I told him about above comments. As would anyone else who'd seen me practically hyperventilating this weekend 'because I haven't got time to make hooooooome maaaaade craaaaaackerrrrrrs (sob)!' Behind closed doors I'm just a bundle of neuroses and insecurities, glued together by disorganisation and stress

RedMapleLeaf · 22/12/2015 08:29

Just be pleased for her rather than dreaming up all sorts of horrors behind closed doors? Nobody's life is free from suffering, just wish her well that, apparently, her life is going smoothly for a period.

SaucyJack · 22/12/2015 08:32

No no no no no. You're doing it wrong. That way lies madness.

Go to your local Asda and find some parents to look down on instead. You'll soon feel much better

Anomaly · 22/12/2015 08:37

I work with someone like this. Its fab because she always sorts stuff. But she is so committed and works very hard. You wouldn't catch her mumsnetting!

I try quite hard to present this sort of image but find the kids let the side down!

derxa · 22/12/2015 08:38

I immediately thought of Outnumbered too. There was the gruesome episode where the perfect wife hit her husband over the head with a Le Creuset pan. However that was just a silly comedy series. Your friend may be living the perfect life and go on to do so. We all make choices in life and she may have made some good ones. She might work bloody hard to appear perfect. Who knows? Who cares? As long as me and my family have their health is all I aspire to these days.

TotalConfucius · 22/12/2015 08:41

God that sounds dull and boring.

Me, I like a family with at least one child who insists on wearing their pants over their trousers, a toddler with a bucket wedged on its head (no time for A & E, wrap a bit of tinsel round it, there you're an elf, we'll take you on Boxing Day), a teenager who snuck into the bathroom and shaved its' head at midnight last night (from 18-inch long plaits), a vomiting dog, and a DH who suspects he may have a boil brewing on his arse.
That's LIFE. And ENTERTAINMENT.

FairyFluffbum · 22/12/2015 08:41

I suppose I might look like a "perfect" mum sometimes as I walk down the street with my son in his buggy and my two year old walking nicely, helping with the shopping and holding my hand.

In actual reality yes she did look angelic...until I took her in to aldi and she had a meltdown and screamed, waking up the baby who then also screamed.

I then looked like "that" mum. Maybe you just catch them at the right time

flanjabelle · 22/12/2015 08:45

Also, my mil and fil work very hard to look perfect to the outside world. She pretends to be sweet and lovely, he pretends to be the perfect husband and family man. the truth is, she can be vile, really truly nasty when the mood takes her. he is a borderline alcoholic, very angry, bitter, petty bully who puts down those around him and tries to control absolutely everything. No one outside the family would know that though. they are very good actors.

Youarentkiddingme · 22/12/2015 08:47

I actually worry about people with that level of outward perfection. What are they trying to prove to others or themselves?
It's not a jealous dig but I genuinely do wonder.

I knew a family like this.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 22/12/2015 08:51

I know lots of women who are always well groomed and their DC well turned out and well behaved.

Most of them do not have a life of horror behind closed doors (though for some odd reason it makes people feel better to believe that).

Their secret? Most of them are wealthy. They can afford the time and money to look good. They often have lots of help with domestic chores so there is no stress fitting them in and time left to focus on themselves and their DC.

They also are often uber organised. Which again leaves time to prioritise clothes/grooming and again takes the stress out of things.

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