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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I'll never attain this height of perfection

77 replies

Defnotsupergirl · 22/12/2015 07:59

Just seen the local "wonder mum"

Four children ages approx 10 -2 all impeccably turned out and well behaved. All pleasant and polite lovely happy children.

Mum always looks supermodel wonderful. She always has a beautific calm look on her face, waist length hair swishy and shiny. Nothing out of place. No smugness about her either, a thoroughly nice person. Even in a potentially stressful scenario as an airport first thing in the morning.
Husband of wonder mum also very pleasant nice person to be around.

AIBU to wonder why I cannot attain this scene of perfection? When DH, little supergirl and I go out in public together we are always scruffy at best, slovenly at worst, disorganised and stressy.....

Why oh why?

OP posts:

SheGotAllDaMoves · 22/12/2015 11:20

I suppose people must think/hope my life is secretly like a Christmas edition of East Enders.

I am always well turned out. My DC have always been easy enough and are pretty unproblematic teens.

Our lives are not perfect. Nor do we present them as such ( don't do FB etc). But I'm a natural optimist so if someone asks how I am my natural instinct is to say 'great thanks' because in the absence of real issues, why wouldn't you ?

AngieBolen · 22/12/2015 11:21

I know someone like this. She and her DH are naturally good looking, and have produced for gorgeous children. The parents are also really lovely people, and guess what so are their DC. They are also comfortably off, which obviously helps, but I also think the parents work quite hard. The kids once told me daddy spends an hour in the gym each day to maintain his six pack. I think he spends 12 hours a day in the office earning money to maintain their comfortable lifestyle , and the mum spends longer than most merrily making their house lovely. It's a combination of luck and hard work, like most things. I've lost count of the times I've heard people say "what a lovely family" because they genuinely are and you just can't dislike people like that.

areyoubeingserviced · 22/12/2015 11:32

People don't want to believe that people such as this have a great life, it makes them feel better to think that this 'perfect' life is all a facade.
Whether we like it or not some people are very organised and thoroughly decent people , who work hard at everything they do.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 22/12/2015 11:47

I think it's sad so many posters feel the need to insist that this woman couldn't POSSIBLY be REALLY happy/together/whatever, and behind closed doors it's surely completely different. Or she is somehow some sort of crazy perfectionist who is wrecking her kids lives. Or she is somehow "boring".

What's wrong with you people?!?!?

Maybe it's true, or maybe she is just a lovely person (as the OP says) who is just managing very well.

It's so sad people have to try and justify their own lives/insecurities by scrabbling around for reasons why this woman must be some sort of sham.

BoboChic · 22/12/2015 11:57

Most of my friends and their families fit the good looking/well dressed/fit/happy description. It doesn't mean their lives are superficial or perfect. But they do all work very hard at making the most out of life.

TakeMeToYourPlanet · 22/12/2015 12:32

This reminds me of a time when I was around 30 weeks pg.

I was in town, emerging from a side street where I'd puked in a drain. I was full on waddle mode, with a bit of an spd limp, my hair windswept and not in a nice way, checking my almost too tight , frumpy maternity clothes for vomit stains.

Then I looked up and a woman looking around the same gestation sauntered past, in

TakeMeToYourPlanet · 22/12/2015 12:36

Posted too soon

Sauntered past in skinny jeans, high heels and a vest top looking fabulous and glossy and swishy haired all legs for miles like barbie with a beach ball up her top.

I cried for ages, feeling like a beached whale next to a supermodel so dp took me for a posh coffee to cheer me up, but I threw it up and cried again.

After that day until now I'd never given her a second thought, but maybe she had her shit together, maybe she was just having a good day. It doesn't matter we're a happy family now with my 4mo and even though we don't always look it oh well.

I get you though OP, I'm terrible for comparing myself to others

BooAvenue · 22/12/2015 14:58

Donning my flameproof hat for this.

OP I think I come across as what you'd describe as "wonder mum", I have two reasonably well behaved DC, a handsome, kind husband with a good job and I take pride in my appearance and home.

However, it can be so fucking lonely, because as evidenced on this thread, so many people feel the need to make snidey comments about how my life can't be that great.

I like to think I'm a nice, unjudgy person but people can be incredibly nasty to me, completely unsolicited.

An ex friend of mine once was drunk and told me she'd be jealous of me if she didn't know my husband was sleeping with prostitutes and that's why I thought I had to look good to keep up. That is absolute bollocks by the way.

Geraniumred · 22/12/2015 15:16

Not everyone judges, Boo. I rather enjoy seeing what my perfectly groomed and co-ordinated colleague is wearing on any particular day, because she does it so well. It's like having any special talent.

BoboChic · 22/12/2015 15:21

It's that green-eyed monster, Boo...

CheesyNachos · 22/12/2015 15:25

There is a fabulous saying in AA.'Don't judge your insides by other peoples' outsides.'

(I am not at all sure where the apostrophe should have gone there).

Here is how I feel. I am a mess inside and out. (There is a fairly solid reason why I know that AA quote!!). I am 3 stone overweight. I am depressed and on medication, have self esteem issues. I feel embarrassed by myself, all the time. My DH is utterly gorgeous physically and there are women who flirt with him in front of me.

Someone said about me the other week 'You always look so glamorous'. She meant it too. i was floored. That is not what I see at all. I'd love to have a little bit of feeling like that.

One of my closest friends is a gorgeous, stunning warm, honest sweet person. She is seriously fucking wealthy... married a multi millionaire. People are so snide about her behind her back... say she is a phony, she is too full of herself etc. She'd be devastated to know people think of her like that. She just isn't.

MitzyLeFrouf · 22/12/2015 17:05

Many people look glossy and together and happy and perfect. And behind closed doors...................they're leading very happy lives.

Why the need to imagine there's some miserable melodrama going on in order to balance out the good stuff?

Micah · 22/12/2015 17:07

I don't read any of the comments as mean or snidey. Just pointing out that those that appear to have it all might not have it easy at all.

Like someone else said, appearing to be perfectly organised and in control sometimes means you can be asked to do stuff and help others out. I bet no one ever asks these people who appear so together if they need anything doing...

Fratelli · 22/12/2015 17:17

I do wonder what the kids are doing whilst she spends all that time getting ready. Nobody is perfect, never forget that.

mrsmugoo · 22/12/2015 17:23

Maybe her husband is watching them or she got up earlier than them to get ready??

Not every well turned out woman is guilty of some sort of child neglect just for finding the time to put some slap on!

Fratelli · 22/12/2015 17:26

I don't think I accused anyone of neglect I so could not be bothered to get up even earlier

BoboChic · 22/12/2015 17:44

Well brought up DC don't need supervising every minute of the day ;)

Gives mothers more time for looking good!

Fratelli · 22/12/2015 17:48

That's true! I only have experience of babies!

mrsmugoo · 22/12/2015 17:50

I do wonder what the kids are doing whilst she spends all that time getting ready. Nobody is perfect, never forget that.

What were you insinuating then?

mrsmugoo · 22/12/2015 17:54

I wake up naturally at least an hour before my DS and get ready then - a nice outfit and some make up etc

Hope I'm not getting judged as I walk down the street by people wondering what my child is doing while I spent loads of time getting ready, or assuming my house is a shot hole or I must be putting on a front for some other issue behind closed doors.

Jesus!!

CwtchMeQuick · 22/12/2015 18:24

Some days this is me.
I have swishy hair and wear make up, DS and I are pretty much always dressed nicely, I find time to exercise and take care of myself.
DS is usually well behaved, he's polite and sociable.
but
I bet my neighbours hear me hollering at DS at 7.30am 3 days a week to just put his bloody coat on because I'm going to be late.
Nursery don't realise that I've sat up until 2am sewing the night before to produce DSs costumes.
Friends don't realise I've been naked and tumble drying my knickers 10 mins before I'm meant to be meeting them.

And then I have days like yesterday when DS is a miserable little bugger and spends the whole day playing up and there is definitely no mistaking me for supermum.

DrCoconut · 22/12/2015 18:42

I knew someone like this. She had the perfect life. Except she was diagnosed with a life limiting condition and she and her DH ended up splitting through the stress that it all caused. They were serene and unflappable to the outside, with an immaculate home and Boden catalogue kids, but sinking in reality. Things are a bit better at the minute, she has settled after the split and her health is reasonable but there is nothing to envy there. Give me the chaos and noise of the coconut house any day.

munkisocks · 22/12/2015 18:48

Takeme that sounded like me whilst pregnant. I lost so much weight during 1st trimester I was in skinny jeans at 35 weeks as I was carrying high and tucked them under my bump I've put the weight back ko now though!

My mum always tried to get us to look "posh" when we were little. Didn't work haha we were totally scruffy all the time. My dh got a new car in march, a Mercedes, because we traded our little car for a family car. She was so excited her daughter would be driving around in a "mercedes" that she wanted to pay for me to to get my nails done and my hair done so I'd look good driving around. Don't think she's too pleased my hair is three different colours at the moment as I've refused to dye it anymore and I'm not the platinum blonde she wants me to be.

happystory · 22/12/2015 19:01

We stood behind a family like this at an airport check in last year. I was mightily impressed not only by her appearance but by the fact that she could crouch down to child level in heels and spring up again. But- the queue took ages and she spent a lot of time hissing to the children to stand still, not whinge etc and they looked thoroughly miserable, they were only bored and doing what small kids do. Dad ignored kids and played with his phone the whole time. You just never know.....

BuildMoreHouses · 22/12/2015 19:11

I met a local-to-us family at the foreign airport at the end of our holidays once. They are a very good looking couple - and yes she has lovely long hair- with equally good looking children who are also lovely to chat to.

They looked smart and tanned. We were our usual scruffy selves with no tans as we burn (decades ago I used to dress smartly for travel and use fake tan but I don't any longer!) The look was completed by our mangy old rucksacks.

Afterwards I did vow to buy grown-up luggage! I accept me and my family for who we are..I do blame genetics for my hair though.

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