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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I'll never attain this height of perfection

77 replies

Defnotsupergirl · 22/12/2015 07:59

Just seen the local "wonder mum"

Four children ages approx 10 -2 all impeccably turned out and well behaved. All pleasant and polite lovely happy children.

Mum always looks supermodel wonderful. She always has a beautific calm look on her face, waist length hair swishy and shiny. Nothing out of place. No smugness about her either, a thoroughly nice person. Even in a potentially stressful scenario as an airport first thing in the morning.
Husband of wonder mum also very pleasant nice person to be around.

AIBU to wonder why I cannot attain this scene of perfection? When DH, little supergirl and I go out in public together we are always scruffy at best, slovenly at worst, disorganised and stressy.....

Why oh why?

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 22/12/2015 08:53

An elderly neighbour of mine once said how nice it was to see me going off to take the children to school and how "well turned out" they were (massive compliment from someone of that generation). I was mystified as to me the kids are scruffbags and I lost my temper with DS1 for not being ready on time Every Single Morning and was always still raging when we passed her door. She clearly noticed none of this.

I once swore in front of someone I didn't know very well at a social event. I think all I said was bloody. She looked delighted and said "Oh I never knew you swore!" as if she liked me much more now. I am the sweariest person I know! How she gained the impression I was a prim little non-swearer I don't know.

The impressions others get of us are odd, that's all I am saying.

theycallmemellojello · 22/12/2015 09:05

I find these kinds of threads so weird. There are a few people I really admire, but it's generally for their intelligence/wit/achievements etc. I can't imagine looking at some random woman and thinking that she's amazing because she's pretty and her children are well behaved and her husband is highly paid (know that's not necessarily what the op was saying but in a lot if threads that's what it comes down to). Tbh I'm not the best turned out person you'd ever meet, but that doesn't make me jealous of women with long hair or something.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 22/12/2015 09:13

I was that perfect mum with the perfect child and the perfect husband...

But all because my (now ex) husband was an emotionally abusive bully. I didn't dare have a hair out of place, I didn't dare let my son step out of line, my XH is an expert at appearances. By 5yo my son knew not to upset his father.

Most people were shocked when I divorced the bastard.

However, it's also possible that she really is perfect. In which case I hate her

Geraniumred · 22/12/2015 09:22

I work with someone who is like this and she admits that the perfection in clothing and grooming is a bit of a strain. She never gets pmt and I have seen her stressed - her threshold is just waaaay higher than mine. Gorgeous lady and a delight to work with.

museumum · 22/12/2015 09:23

I'm quite calm and rarely stress. We don't really commute which makes a huge difference.
Everyone thinks my ds is angelic. He's not. He is relatively calm (genetics?) but has massive breakdowns when tired but I just make sure I get him into the car or buggy or cot before that happens - for his sake as much as mine or what people think.
I'm not "well groomed" but that's my choice (I'm sporty and shower too often to bother with make up or blow drying).
I am so so not supermum.

Littleonesaid · 22/12/2015 09:25

This is a mum at school, down to the swishy hair and 4 immaculate well-behaved children. For two months I was in awe, then I found out that she has a nanny and housekeeper. Mystery was solved.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/12/2015 09:29

Most of them do not have a life of horror behind closed doors (though for some odd reason it makes people feel better to believe that).

How would you know, though? That's the whole point - it's behind closed doors.

I do agree that wealth helps, although it can sometimes bring its own issues.

originalmavis · 22/12/2015 09:30

It maybe been asked (I'm too imperfect to read the thread) was she French?

Actually my mum was like that. Prim and proper, perfectly made up, 5 kids like the von traps and her hat/andbag/shoes all matching. None of us inherited that gene. We all went ferrell.

KERALA1 · 22/12/2015 09:32

Our local wonder mum is a surgeon. She has x2 sets of twins and does perfect dives into the local pool we all go to and has a hard fit body

originalmavis · 22/12/2015 09:34

Nooooooo. But is she happy?.(probably!)

Micah · 22/12/2015 09:35

What the others said.

I grew up in a house where appearances and what others thought was paramount. It is not a happy childhood.

I had to do, say, think and behave exactly how my parents dictated. If I aired a controversial opinion in public or went out in an unapproved outfit is get the full strength of parental disapproval. Being perfect all the time is a hellish way to live.

I like to think my kids are much happier choosing their own clothes, ring allowed to say what they want and feel without being scared of punishment, even if I am a scruffy mess. Which my mother still highly disapproves of- what, you're going to the corner shop dresses like that? Put a nice dress on and some lipstick, or people will think you're poor.

southernskies · 22/12/2015 09:43

If you look perfect and as if you have everything under control, then people ask you to DO STUFF.

Like PTA, and running stalls. Sod that. I've gone with slightly scatty. No one EVER asks me to do anything cos they think I will fuck it up. (Which I wouldn't. I'm actually really organised and anal when it is called for.)

No one has a perfect life. You just don't always know what has gone on/is going on in their lives.

lorelei9 · 22/12/2015 09:54

Waist length hair? Uh oh. I have a feeling this is one of my mates. Mid brown hair? If it's her, she's also fiendishly clever and sings like an angel.

Sorry. But FWIW she is a good mate and a nice person.

lorelei9 · 22/12/2015 09:54

I'm just thinking how many of these women can there be, with children of those ages....and waist length hair...and generally perfect....

lorelei9 · 22/12/2015 09:55

southern, people are constantly asking my imperfect self to do stuff and I just say no.

intothewoods · 22/12/2015 09:57

Some people just are very organised and gorgeous, doesn't mean that there has to be some hidden horror going on in their lives.

I'm not one of them needless to say !

80schild · 22/12/2015 10:02

I have never yet met a perfect person. Everyone is flawed. She has a flaw, it might just be really deep and really well hidden but it is there (some people are really good at hiding their flaws).

lorelei9 · 22/12/2015 10:06

it depends what you mean by perfect though. Tbh I'm always surprised by the speed with which people say "don't judge from the outside".

If I were to become gorgeous tomorrow ha ha ha ha ha NOT POSSIBLE IN THIS LIFE then I wouldn't have any hidden horrors. My cross is a gigantic arse and a distinct lack of height!!

I am not saying I have the world's most fascinating life, but listening to some people's family horror stories, I think I have been quite lucky. Hope I haven't cursed myself saying that out loud.

Gatehouse77 · 22/12/2015 10:08

My mother's family were seen as the ones to emulate as they came across as the ideal family - behind the scenes was a very different picture and is now a very fractured family with long running grudges, feuds and non-contact.

Not judging a book by its cover works both ways...

Shosha1 · 22/12/2015 10:19

I certainly am not immaculately turned out, but after being in childcare for 40 years, people always remark on how well behaved my charges are and how well they do as I tell them.

My boss thinks I'm super nanny as I can get her children to do things she has no chance of doing.

Oh if only she knew when my own were small, rugby tackling one to get her shoes on.

Walking one to school in his PJs because he refused to get dressed

Stepping over one having a complete meltdown in Safeway ( old lady told me I had left my little girl behind, denied she was mine )

Everything is not how it looks :)

roaringfire · 22/12/2015 10:23

Live in au pair, cook, cleaner, doting aunts to help out. Who knows. It's all appearances. It's surface. Until you know them and have walked in her shoes, you don't really know anything.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 22/12/2015 10:37

annie I've known them for years. We've spent lots of time together. Our DC are all young adults/teens now.

Their lives are not perfect. Is anyone's? But nor are their home lives some secret horror show. Their DC have not turned into drug addled serial killers .

The women I know who really do have difficult home lives or who have troubles children/young adults rarely have the energy left for worrying unduly what they look like or what people think .

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 22/12/2015 10:39

Agree its all surface...

I knew a family like this - they did have a cleaner who did a lot of hours, but not an army of "help"... They all seemed so lovely, friendly, outgoing, relaxed, happy in themselves and with each other, seemed to adore each other, dad fully involved with the young kids, all beautiful looking people and always well groomed in tidy, expensive looking clothing, generous with time and great hosts for meals and get togethers in their beautiful, large, detached, tastefully furnished, immaculately clean and tidy house...

Knew them for several years then after we moved away she (was really only friends with the mum, dad seemed nice but was not a friend, more in the background) went off the grid and became impossible to contact. Mutual friends said they had separated very suddenly (or so it seemed from outside) and she had stopped returning anyone's calls, had answered the door initially but moved away very soon after without leaving a forwarding address. One mutual friend bumped into her by chance later and she was clearly stressed and tired but also clearly not willing to renew the old friendship or talk much and in a hurry to get away, and would not give mutual friend new contact details - conclusion was that she was embarrassed, though mutual friend only wanted to be supportive and is not the type to have been anything but warm and friendly when they bumped into one another.

Friend who seemed to have the perfect life was genuinely a lovely, lovely person - no schadenfreude attached to learning it all fell apart at all. Just told the story to reflect the fact that sometimes people's lives aren't actually as perfect as they look from outside, sometimes even when we think we know people well things are falling apart under the perfect surface and they haven't told a soul, perhaps because they don't want to shatter the illusion, and it becomes all they have.

raisin3cookies · 22/12/2015 11:06

Reminds me of that viral blogpost about the woman who thought the other mother at the foodcourt was feeding her child a healthy lunch AT her.

I have five children, we are at varying stages from decently turned out to completely scruffy and I was surprised to discover that people around me think I have it "together" and that I'm "super mum."

My outward demeanour does not reflect the turmoil within, apparently!

Pay other people no mind. There is very little to be gained from comparing your worst moments to their best.

eastwest · 22/12/2015 11:09

I'm sure this person is genuinely lovely and I don't mean this as a snide comment at all - good for her. But it is also true that some people are very good at 'public relations' and self mythologising. I am not. It feels too close to lying.

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