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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to give my DS coal for Christmas?

108 replies

LolaCrapola · 20/12/2015 22:34

DS - age 6 - is currently misbehaving lots at bedtime- no amount of consequences or threats that Santa doesn't bring presents for naughty boys seems to be working.

He is up and down the stairs for up to an hour, to the point that we all end up going to bed at about 9pm because it's easier!

I'm seriously thinking of doing something with regard to presents to ensure he gets the message that his behaviour is unacceptable, such as not having any presents that are marked 'from Santa', or not having anything in his stocking (yes I am that angry) or just not giving him all the stuff I have bought for him (his main present is a £30 Lego set for which I still have the receipt).

He will obviously have stuff from other people and his brother will have presents.

Has anyone else ever made the threat and followed it through???

(The reference to coal for anyone that isn't sure is because I live in Wales...and Santa brings naughty children coal)

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 21/12/2015 05:24

I think that's horrible and I wouldn't make the threat either, my DS has disabilities and at one time has severely challenging behaviour, but I managed to get him through it without being "angry" and using some fictional dude to threaten him with.

Dumdedumdedum · 21/12/2015 06:03

I must be such an evil woman, going by all of this - when mine was 7 or 8 and misbehaving during the run up to Christmas, I would get on the phone and call Father Christmas to tell him not to bother to drop by our house because DD had been behaving too badly. I always had a long wait because lots of other parents were on the same hot-line for the same reason, so fortunately I never got through before the behaviour had improved Grin
Some years she would write to Father Christmas with her list, and we would do our best with it (always excluding the pony at the top of it!) but we will always remember the year when she was too young to write and sat opening all the presents in her stocking saying: "CLEVER Father Christmas!" as he had divined everything she wanted Grin Surprisingly, some might say, she is not a spoiled entitled brat and never asks for or expects any sort of Christmas presents nowadays!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/12/2015 06:08

My DS is being a pain at bedtime too. He's 7. It turns out he's scared of burglars, and from talking to friends it seems this is a commo. Stage they go through around this age when they start to understand that the world can be unsafe and that their parents can't prevent bad things from happening. With my DS it was the Paris attacks and Syrian refugees (which I explained in age appropriate ways) which seems to have destabilised him.
Have some empathy. Tiredness is horrible but he's probably doing it for a reason. Rather than take away his Christmas presents there are other ways to approach it. Threatening a child who is acting out of fear will achieve nothing.

BooOzMoo · 21/12/2015 06:57

Rapid return!!!

I'd never ruin Christmas for a child.

You need to talk to him about his behaviour. I'm not understanding ... Naughty step again in the new year!!
The naughty step never closes here 8 minutes is a long time to reflect on DS behaviour.
Be consistent!!! Good luck X

sneepy · 21/12/2015 07:09

It's just such lazy parenting, like saying "That policeman is going to tell you off if you don't stop." Figure out a way to deal with the behavior, lots of suggestions on this thread, and stop trying to sidestep any responsibility.

Hurr1cane · 21/12/2015 07:39

Actually 'that policeman will tell you off' is a very very good strategy for dealing with children who have PDA, a form of autism, blaming another authority often works wonders for them as demands are something they can't follow, even if the demand is something they want to do. Even something like "eat your sweets" would result in avoidance of the demand, even though they want the sweets, which can cause a massive conflict in their little brains and cause anxiety and meltdowns.

So the next time you hear "the headteacher says you have to go" or "the policeman says you can't" don't just assume it's lazy parenting.

I'm lucky that my child doesn't have PDA. I can't imagine how hard it must be for the parents to have to totally change their parenting for the good of the child and get judged for that.

Brioche201 · 21/12/2015 07:47

The main job for a parent s to make sure their child knows they are loved unconditionally and nurture their self worth.Some posters on here are sayingvthat they have taken away some of their child's presents in the past and now they are much beteer friends with their dc- that rings alarm bells for me! It sounds as though the child now feels their is an element of conditionality. Also is a child going to view himself as Bad if Santa has taken this extreme step?

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 21/12/2015 07:55

I once threatened to give DS2 coal and potatoes for Christmas. He said he would just make chips. Smartarse.

I would wrap up several pieces of coal in addition to the gifts but I don't think it will work as a long term strategy.

What did work with DS2 was a pasta jar. He started the week with 10 pieces, worth 10p a piece. When he was good, I added a piece, when he was naughty I either took a piece away or added some coloured pasta whic represented -10p (I had to do this when he worked out that if he got to the end of the 10 pieces there was no reward anyway! With the coloured pasta, he knew he might end up paying me at the end of the week.)

sneepy · 21/12/2015 07:57

Hurr1cane are you diagnosing her son with PDA and agreeing that she should give him lumps of coal on Christmas morning? Is that a good parenting strategy? Do you think it will change this boy's behavior?

Hurr1cane · 21/12/2015 08:07

Hahaha no I'm clearly not. My answer was clearly to a particular poster and not the OP. If you'd have read my first answer I've said I would never use Christmas to punish a child.

Hurr1cane · 21/12/2015 08:08

Especially not a child with PDA, which the OPs son doesn't have if her only issue is him getting out of bed. Why do people read things and completely twist them around like that?

revealall · 21/12/2015 08:09

Sneepy- the poster didn't refer to the op at all! What are you on about

NorksAreMessy · 21/12/2015 08:10

It is possible that your DS is behaving so badly because he KNOWS you are really fed up with him, so he is coming back down to you for love and reassurance.
It may be that he has seen your (completely understandable) annoyance and it has worried him.
Perhaps try extra story time, more cuddles, more love on him at bedtime rather than threats of no presents. Threats never work unless they can be followed through. Cuddles might not work every time, but they are more fun.

Good luck.

Hurr1cane · 21/12/2015 08:12

Oh I see you were the poster I was actually talking to sneepy. You see, I was just explaining that parents use different strategies for many many reasons, and blaming another authority is one that is recommended for particular children. Using Christmas to scare them and upset them is completely different and will cause more anxieties which will no doubt increase the negative behaviours

ShowMeTheWonder · 21/12/2015 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sneepy · 21/12/2015 08:20

You see, I was just explaining that parents use different strategies for many many reasons, and blaming another authority is one that is recommended for particular children.

I guess I just don't understand why you're saying the coal strategy is ok for children with a specific SN. I know you're going to come back and say you didn't but seriously that's how your post reads.

OSETmum · 21/12/2015 08:27

If this is recent behaviour, I'd put it down to the excitement of Christmas and try to be a bit more understanding. Honestly, his behaviour doesn't sound that bad tbh! If you really want to issue a threat from Santa though, a pnp video/ letter encouraging him to improve his behaviour and then giving him lots of support to do so would be a less harsh thing to do.

Hurr1cane · 21/12/2015 08:29

Well it obviously isn't at all. Firstly because I've already said it isn't ok. Secondly because I was clearly responding to you labelling parents 'lazy' for recommended strategies (not the coal one, the one you have an example of which is completely different) , which I didn't think was very pleasant. However, I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't know, and explained it to you, which was met with you twisting my words, so now I think differently.

Hurr1cane · 21/12/2015 08:34

Oh and by the way. Blaming another authority isn't a strategy of use with my child with SN, and I never have. But he doesn't have PDA. However I don't judge other parents for using different strategies to me for different children, especially since 'blaming the policeman' is one that's recommended for certain children, by people a lot more intelligent than me or you.

I've also stated so many times now why it is a terrible idea to scare children using Christmas. And will probably make behaviours worse.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 21/12/2015 08:36

not sure why you think handing over the parenting powers to santa is a good idea - it is like telling him that some magic figure will discipline him if he is naughty.

ninja · 21/12/2015 08:37

One year I put a couple of potatoes in my daughter's stocking as a message - I pet I didn't actually take anything out.

Saying that, she's a strange one and say them and said 'just what I wanted, please can we cook them for Christmas dinner'. She must have been 4 at the time!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/12/2015 08:44

I like the "some presents, some potatoes" idea - that works for me. Don't know if I'll need to use it or not though - DS1 is very very keen to stay "good" so he doesn't lose presents, or risk FC missing him out; DS2, otoh, is only 3 and doesn't understand it all yet, and would likely push the limits to see exactly what would happen, so he may end up with potatoes yet.

Mehitabel6 · 21/12/2015 08:50

I would never use Santa as a threat - never do one that you wouldn't carry out and doing that to a child would be cruel.

It isn't going to help long term to appeal to a higher authority. You are the parent and you are the authority. It is ridiculous that you are going to bed at 9pm! He is old enough to understand that he has a bedtime and he will stay in his room.
Give him more control. Make sure he has a clock and that he can read for 30 mins before he switches the light off. Put water by his bed to eliminate the thirsty bit. Explain tnat he is a big boy now to do that and if he isn't going to manage it he will have to have an earlier bedtime. Have a very definite bedtime routine with calming down activities - bedtime story etc.
Don't talk to him as you take him back upstairs. Wordlessly march him back up to his room and stick to one word when you get there 'bedtime'. Do it as many times as it takes. Don't engage and don't give him attention- treat it as the great bore that it is.

Youarentkiddingme · 21/12/2015 08:51

I'm sure Santa doesn't care that he is pissing about at bedtime - it doesn't affect him.

He needs to get the message that you don't accept it.

When my DS use to get up I would totally ignore him. I didn't do the return to bed quietly or whatever I would just pretend he wasn't there. Due irony the daytime I'd talk about op how once he was in bed it was my time to sort house and me time. So I'd go to kitchen, shut the door and wash up, or start reading a book or go and have a bath. He soon got the message. I also told him about the boy who called wolf. So, if he's up every night I won't know the difference between the times he's misbehaving and the times he actually needs me as is unwell or something.

ricketytickety · 21/12/2015 08:51

Nope, what about all the times he's been good? Doesn't that mean he deserves the pressies?

Lead with the carrot for bedtime. Get him a sticker chart. 7 days of not coming downstairs he gets a prize. They don't have to be days in a row. He'll soon learn that he gets a prize quicker by staying in bed all the time. Keep it up for a month or so and that should do the trick.

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