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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to give my DS coal for Christmas?

108 replies

LolaCrapola · 20/12/2015 22:34

DS - age 6 - is currently misbehaving lots at bedtime- no amount of consequences or threats that Santa doesn't bring presents for naughty boys seems to be working.

He is up and down the stairs for up to an hour, to the point that we all end up going to bed at about 9pm because it's easier!

I'm seriously thinking of doing something with regard to presents to ensure he gets the message that his behaviour is unacceptable, such as not having any presents that are marked 'from Santa', or not having anything in his stocking (yes I am that angry) or just not giving him all the stuff I have bought for him (his main present is a £30 Lego set for which I still have the receipt).

He will obviously have stuff from other people and his brother will have presents.

Has anyone else ever made the threat and followed it through???

(The reference to coal for anyone that isn't sure is because I live in Wales...and Santa brings naughty children coal)

OP posts:
Curioushorse · 20/12/2015 23:26

I know somebody who once received only coal. They still talk about it, 30 years on. I have no clue if their behaviour changed or anything, but they don't seem to have any behavioural problems now (he's an accountant).

My husband and brothers had a 'chart system' in the lead up to Christmas. This replaced an advent calendar. They had to be good enough in order to receive presents. They did always ultimately get the presents....but only after some difficult days in the run up when they'd go into 'minus points' on the chart. It worked.

anoldiebutagoody · 20/12/2015 23:30

My hubby was in a sanatorium when he was 5 and one year he was given coal for Christmas because he'd been naughty, even though his parents had sent him presents.
The staff only allowed him to have the presents when his parents visited.
He still remembers it clearly and he's 79 now and gets lots of presents every year :-)

TeaFathers · 20/12/2015 23:33

I wouldn't. its too mean and he's only 6.
it'll scar him for quite a long time and it'll wreck your xmas.
i do think when your friends and family hear you've done that, they'll be shocked too.
maybe the best thing right now is to deal with bad behaviour as and when it arises. and if he's still as bad in january, then really nip it in the bud.

RueDeWakening · 20/12/2015 23:40

A friend has told her kids that if they keep being horrible, she won't get the stockings out on Christmas Eve and they'll just have to use one of their own socks instead - obviously their socks are much smaller than the stockings they usually use, and Santa won't be able to fit as many presents in.

Apparently it's working so far...I think it's genius!

Dawndonnaagain · 20/12/2015 23:55

He is six, do you think you could be that cruel to a six year old? My mother used to do that to me but she was an evil, cruel narcissist. I am 57. I haven't forgotten. Find another way.

Louise43210 · 20/12/2015 23:59

He's excited and overtired. Why not read a different Xmas story each night so he looks forward to bedtime and let him listen to a story CD with lights off in bed for an hour, IF he stays in bed. Sometimes mine would even fall asleep halfway through but they loved their audio books. Its both an incentive, gives you some peace and your child some more literary experience. Mine loved Ronald Dahl and an Usborne Christmas treasury.

Canyouforgiveher · 21/12/2015 00:03

He is 6. It would be very cruel.

It is one thing to encourage a chiid to believe in an imaginary benevolent santa. An imaginary santa who withholds presents from bad children of which your son will think he is one, is another - kind of a monster really.

And the day he finds out there is no such thing as santa and his parents just decided not to give him pesents ...

Find another way to parent/discipline him that will work for the longterm - not just for Christmas.

EvaBING · 21/12/2015 00:03

Just give him normal everyday consequences! I firmly believe in time out. A minute for every year of age. 6 minutes sitting on a step is better than Santa not coming!

Dd is 11, and I would not in any way apologise for giving her those consequences.

I think some parents do wrong things, trying to do the right thing.

Believe me. Santa not coming? Devastation for life. 6 minutes in time-out? 6 minutes of devastion.

Don't be silly.

EvaBING · 21/12/2015 00:06

Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! *6 minutes of devastation

squiggleirl1 · 21/12/2015 00:08

I don't care how naughty a 6 year old has been (and what you've described is not awful behaviour), but the idea that your child should be given coal for Christmas has to be the shittiest way of disciplining a child I've heard in a long time. It is spectacularly mean to have his brother open presents from Santa whilst he would have none. I hope for your child's sake this isn't a serious suggestion, as if it is a horrible way for any adult to behave towards a child, let alone their own son. Disgusting.

EvaBING · 21/12/2015 00:10

Just to add - dd is now 11 and is very well behaved. We just chat away like best friends little old dears

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 21/12/2015 00:13

I am trying teally hard to give mine meaningful consequences. They are wasting all day arguing just now and it is really pissing. They do get warned that santa is keeping an eye on them but just coal? Nope. A bridge too far.

I have however, not out up the tree yet because all theur arguing means there has not been time. It will go up tomorrow.

Does he get screen time? Or pocket money?
How about 1 minute less screen time for every 5 minutes he is up after his bedtime? Or 5p less pocket money?

Combined with a bonus 15 mind or 20p if he stays in his bed when he is put there.

Mine also don't get to open the advent calendar when they are bad.

Roll on when they stop believing and the realise it is me they need to impressWink

BertieBotts · 21/12/2015 00:13

No. Address the problem directly. Don't ruin Christmas. And don't use it as a threat unless you're joking around with it. Too mean. I don't like any of the ideas which involve even pretending to throw away presents.

To tackle bedtime, you need to work out why he keeps coming downstairs and deal with that. Unable to sleep? Unable to relax? Scared? Lonely? Worried he's missing out on something downstairs? Wanting attention? Finds sleeping boring?

And some ideas to try:
New approach where he's allowed to play quietly in bedroom if not sleepy enough to sleep. Can restrict activities allowed during this time.

Later bedtime and/or changed bedtime routine so he's actually tireder by bedtime.

1 hour period between pjs + teeth and lights out where he can do what he wants, but any coming out after this results in time taken off the free time the next night.

Make out of card some "Night passes" - he can come downstairs ONLY if he has a pass - so he's allowed to come down up to 3 times. Make sure to remind him to save one for an emergency. Some kind of penalty the next day if he comes down without a pass - lost screen time, or earlier bedtime.

Give him a notebook and pencil and tell him to write down any random questions he has to ask you in the morning (Or he can leave them outside his bedroom door for you to pick up when you go to bed)

Pre-empt everything - bottle of water, access to bathroom, ask questions etc, something to read/listen to if he can't sleep.

Audio books or meditation CDs - you can buy these or just find some on Youtube for him to listen to. But he can ONLY listen if he stays in bed and doesn't get up.

Talk to him about how sleeping is good for you, helps you grow, makes morning come faster, and dreaming is fun because you can do anything you like.

Choose a new nightlight or cuddly toy to take to bed if he's feeling anxious or lonely. Even offer to sit with him (if you're happy to) but ONLY if he lies down and doesn't talk at all. It's probably a short lived phase.

BertieBotts · 21/12/2015 00:18

Or I should add - earlier overall bedtime? If he's up for an hour and you all go up at 9 does that mean he's going at 8? I think 8 is too late for a 6 year old.

WellyMummy · 21/12/2015 00:24

But FC only brings presents to good children.

My Dd was 8 last year and I'd had months of hideous behaviour, huge discussions and family friends noticing the change in her within minutes of being in her company. The run up to Christmas was awful and I couldn't condone her behaviour by giving her the usual pile of pressies. FC left her half of her presents and the other half were left for me to give to her when her behaviour improved. (In our house FC fills the sack and the presents under the tree are from friends and family). She didn't have her main presents from me either. I knew that it would ruin Christmas for both of us, but her behaviour long term was more important. Her behaviour had been really, really bad and I was desperate to get through to her. It was miserable, but it worked. I would only do it if I was desperate. She finally got her presents as her behaviour improved and Christmas was over by mid February. My DD is exceptionally stubborn and I needed to get through to her, I did and she's lovely again now.

Bettercallsaul1 · 21/12/2015 01:15

Personally, I think Santa should only be a positive thing in a child's life - the point is to add a bit of happy make-believe to a child's life while they are still young enough to believe in it. The stresses and strains of childhood - difficulties at school, with friends etc - start young and it is lovely to have one special time of year which can be relied on to be happy. One time of year where treats are forthcoming automatically, not because of good behaviour or sticking to rules. Even if a child has been been abominably behaved in the run-up to Christmas, I would still have a lovely, normal Christmas and tackle the problems seriously in the New Year. What children thrive on is safety and predictability - to overturn the happy expectations of Christmas would be deeply disturbing for a child, I feel, and might well make the situation worse in the short-term as wrll as damaging in the long-term.

Brioche201 · 21/12/2015 01:18

Appalling parenting!

sashh · 21/12/2015 01:48

My grand parents hid my aunts presents behind the settee and left her a piece of coal and a dirty potato, her two sisters got all their presents as usual.

She played with the coal and potato all day.

By the afternoon the parents were practically begging her to play with her presents.

Obviously I wasn't born until much later, but it was still talked about.

Headmelt · 21/12/2015 02:05

How about getting a letter from Santa to your ds saying he's on thin ice and he needs to behave better.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 21/12/2015 03:00

Gosh I couldn't do that to my children. The thought of their heartbroken little faces on Xmas morning Xmas Sad. They are almost 5 and 3 (I also have an 11mo but I'm really only on about my older ones) and they are sometimes so naughty/grumpy/mischievous and don't do as they're told, but they are also lovely/ happy/ funny/loving/ well behaved and clever and it's these positive traits in them that I focus on and I love to make Christmas magical for them. They are only little once and it's even exciting and magical for me because of my children!

PerspicaciaTick · 21/12/2015 03:17

He is 6 years old and Christmas is days away.
Deal with his mucking around when it happens, don't postpone dealing with it for the best part of a week and then spuriously link it to Santa.
Saving up punishments so you can implement them on a special occasion and humiliate him in front of the whole family? Fucking ridiculous and nasty.

Secretescape · 21/12/2015 03:41

In this house we ALL get a wrapped up potato (adults too) as well as but not instead of gifts.
The DCs say something like for not always listening or for sometimes being rude etc and the adults say for some times being grumpy or for sometimes getting cross when you're tired etc
I think it's a great reminder to everyone that no one is perfect.
I agree with pp can you get a portable North Pole or leave a note from Santa in the run up to the big day?

janaus · 21/12/2015 04:01

I saw a recipe on Facebook, for "coal", lol, if I find it will post it

scrivette · 21/12/2015 04:06

Yesterday 4 year old DS was so naughty that when he went to bed there was a present on his bed, dropped off by one of the elves.

It had a potato in it.

It was a warning that children who are naughty get potatoes in their stockings. He was as good as gold today!

janaus · 21/12/2015 04:33

Lumps of "Coal" recipe, using Oreo cookies.

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