Regarding roles and responsibilities

[limon]

I'm a ft worker outside the home in a stressful job but earning good money.DH is a sahp but woh one day per week and does a bit of freelance work.

I am feEling thoroughly overwhelmed, stressed and sick and tired of having to think about so much.

My DH seems to be of the opinion that as he shops and cooks (he won't let me cook) and looks after our child he's some kind of hero.

He asks me regularly when I come back from work what i want for tea and last week had a real go at me saying g he needs help meal planning. I suggested we sit down together on a Sunday evening and do a weeks meal planning together. We've just tried and he's told me I've bombarded him and he's faffed about , not thinking about what to eat what days but co.ing up with "we could have xyz one night" type comments. He bombards me regularly.

Hes also never ever cleaned the bathroom and thinks cleaning is just surface cleaning. Our child is at school two hours per day yet I regularly do the proper cleaning on weekends.

He chose this set up - I'm the higher earner of the two of us.

He said today "I'm no housewife I'm not good at it" and I said "I'd love to be a housewife for a bit" to which her said "we'll you chose a husband who can't earn a good living". ie it's yet again my fault.

If it weren't for me we would be living g in a shit tip.

I feel utterly depressed. All we've done today is argue. I just want him to pull his weight.

You work
He does the childcare.

The rest needs to be shared out - or use spare family cash to pay for it.

Eg cleaner.

Your standards are different.

Someone whose standard is to do nothing because his wife will do it, is not different, but a lazy bastard.

I really don't get what some posters mean by he does the childcare so doesn't have to clean up anything.

You do realise paid cc workers like nursery workers and childminders still have to clean up after the dc? They don't literally sit and interact with the dc all day they do clean away paints, wipe down the tables after lunchtime, put toys away ect ect....

I think I've mentioned this on threads before but here's our bsic set up.

My GF works and I'm a SAHD to our 2.6yo DD.
All this is based on generalisations and may not reflect the exact times etc.

My GF works 40 hours, that means I "Work" 40 hours at home.
So:
Hoovering, 1hr, twice a week, 2hrs
Shopping (delivered) 1hr Week
Top up shops if needed (walk to shop) 1hr
Cooking, 1hr per night, 7hrs
Washing up, 30mins per night 3.5hr
Cleaning and mopping kitchen 1 hr, twice a week, 2hrs
Changing beds, 1hr a week
Cleaning bathrooms and mopping 1hr each a week 2bathrooms, 2hr
Bathing DD 1hr 3 times a week, 3hrs
Taking DD out and about (parks, museums, walks, swimming, playpits or any non essential trips) 3hrs twice a week on average 6hrs
Activity based Childcare (painting, colouring, potato carving, tea parties etc) 1hr min. Day, 7hrs
House admin and accointing as needed (Misc)
Healthcare trips dentist whatever (Misc)
TWAT (Aka, Time We Allow to Travel) (Misc)
(Misc total: 2hrs ave per week)
+/- 10% Toddler allowances (shoe finding, getting dressed)
Total: 41.25 (Daddies "Work"
Things not counted, other allowances:
Bedtimes, OH does when she can
Visiting relatives, OH comes
General childcare, other things get done
Lunch making, takes little time

Anyway, that's a rough breakdown of what I figure is "fair"

Basically, GF works 40hrs, I do 40hrs anything left is split between us at evenings or weekends.

Lol, I forgot to put a point.

My point, OP, is that if your OH is doing less than an equal amount of "Work" than you then you will feel its unfair. But, it maybe that the "work" he does takes longer than it takes me, maybe he cooks extravagant meals that take 3 hours, or your house is large and hoovering takes 3 hours, or he doesn't drive so walking to school takes longer etc. If that's the case the the imbalance in s exaggerated as you 'feel' it is.

A conversation is needed and clear idea of what he is actually doing a day, not what you believe he hasn't done in a day.

I remember hen things were the other wy I worked and GF didn't, I'd come home and see things "not done" and wonder what she'd been doing all day whilst I was at work. It's an easy trap to fall into. The fact that she'd been to asda, bathed DD, washed up, sorted washing, been on hold with EON for an hour, had a crap, sat with a cuppa for a half an hour, played Teddy bear picnic for 2 hours etc etc. Didn't count because all I saw was the dusting hadnt been done. Iyswim.

It's all very well people telling OP to 'insist' that her DP does XYZ but she can't actually force him to do it, can she?

Although I am puzzled as to how her DP can refuse to let her cook; does he rugby tackle her to the kitchen floor if he sees her heading to the cooker? Seriously, how does he prevent you from cooking?

What would happen if you led him to the loo, pointed out his skid marks and asked him how he would feel if he daughter grew up and married a man who expected her to clean up his shit?

In my view, a housewife or househusband should look after the home. You can look after children while doing housework - most of our parent's generation managed this without making a fuss. There's nothing wrong with doing some housework while your children nap, or, some people will clutch their pearls here - letting the children play independently (or even watch an hour of TV) while mum or dad make the dinner. It seems weird to me that a stay at home parent would need a cleaner.

Wow to sahp aren't Sah cleaners. Just wow. Househusband/housewife does housework in my world.

I'll don my tin hat...but in the meantime I'll stress I don't think that sahp should be Sah slaves. They should be respected for what they do as much as the breadwinner. Working parent should show gratitude for the support at home...and sahp should show gratitude for financial support. Team work with different jobs.

As the higher earner in my relationship to a husband who works shorter hours than me, I can see both sides. I have much lower standards than my DH but he feels strongly that chores should be shared equally (though practice he probably does more than me). It comes down to compromise - he has no compunction about giving me specific tasks to do, but he also accepts that I work very hard and am not going to do the washin up every day (for example). I have to suppress annoyance at being given a task sometimes (would not stand for it if he didn't pull his weight, and if he wasn't basically correct that I wouldn't do some stuff without being told), he has to contain frustration that he has to tell me to do stuff. Most of all I have to contain the inclination to think that because I earn more, I deserve to do less housework. I know this is a terrible attitude and I absolutely don't believe it, but it's surprisingly easyto catch myself slipping into it occasionally. Fwiw, my dh was writing a book for some time and hence not earning money beyond the small advance he received, and I didn't feel that this meant that his work was less important than mine, even though mine was paying the bills. We also get in a cleaner every couple of weeks, which helps. I think basically you have to agree expectations mutually, rather than impose them on one another. There's no right answer.

Also I don't know if this applies to you, but if you have a job you enjoy you might find that your day is much more enjoyable than being stuck at home doing menial work and feeling lonely. My house was a complete shit tip when I was on maternity leave even though I had masses of time - I was so miserable and frustrated being the 'housewife'.

I would expect him to do the admin and anything to do with school. After all, he is there and knows what's going on where you do not. Banking stuff etc is easier to do by the person there in the day. Cleaning, otoh, can be done whenever by whomever and I don't think it's an exclusive housewife/husband job.

Do you think it's more of a question of organisation/motivation? If I don't get started on something straightaway, everything goes to pot. It literally throws the whole day out. Both of mine are at school and, on my days off, say, if I have an appointment (hair/dentist/doctor/hospital) smack bang in the middle of the day (I try to book appointments early in the morning), there's not much I can get done either side. Likewise, if I have to go into town, it easily uses up 1.5 to 2 hours when you include driving there, finding a space, traffic, queues and finding what I need and other things popping up which I might as well get while I am there.

When DD was at pre-school, I worked on the principle of one job per day. So, one day would be ironing, one might be cleaning sinks/loos. The rest, I'd keep ticking over - laundry, cooking, cleaning the kitchen would get done all the time. When DD was home, I would take her shopping as she was OK and liked it (could not do this with DS). I certainly could not do anything big with her in the house as she would suddenly become very attention seeking and I would get very annoyed at this. Even if I set her up with something or put on a DVD, she would want me to sit with her and tantrum when I did not and would do that everyday in spite of being told no. She would also follow me and get under my feet. Even clearing the kitchen or cooking was an ordeal. DD was easier with DH at that age and would have complied more easily with him, which is normal.

It is now the school holidays and I spent an hour trying to get stuff done. I decided to dust their rooms. In the middle, DD started her homework which she could not do so I got constant questions and she got frustrated. I had told her to do it later when I was not busy but she didn't listen. I had to stop to prevent her from bashing the computer in temper. DS wanted his bath then wanted me to play with him. Despite repeated rebuffals he kept asking. Meanwhile the washing machine was bleeping because that had finished and the phone rang in the middle of it, too. Then DS wanted out of the bath and help drying himself.

They are quiet now but I still haven't showered DD but sometimes when they have stopped demanding/fighting/screaming, you need a breather. I definitely saw pre-school time as that back in the day. It is literally so full on when you are doing it, you really do need that time. And housework is such a physical task. On top of looking after a young child, it is really tiring and you certainly wouldn't want do to do it all day. It is easy to lose motivation, too.

Nevertheless, I hear you OP, it sounds as if he needs to take on a bit more and really tightly structure his day. You can't not. Otherwise, time can really run away with you.

Oh. And I would certainly expect to see no shit on the loo

He should definitely be cleaning more! I'm a SAHM to a very busy toddler and I take care of all the cleaning, it doesn't take long and it's good for children to entertain themselves for an hour or two. Yes I'm busy with toddler but I'm also at home. However when my DP gets home from work we share childcare duties.

I do think the parent at home should do the lionshare of the cleaning, because they're physically there. That and childcare is their daily job, OP has her job. Then once OP finishes work, free time and child time should be equal. I'm saying 'should' a lot but I know other people have different systems that work for them and that's good, however I do think yours is imbalanced.

Forgot to add.. Housework doesn't need to take all day, OP is talking about basics that can be done quickly.

It is probably the case that the OP's dh is lazy relative to her. A forensic account of who does what will, in my opinion, almost certainly turn up that in terms of actual getting stuff done for the good of the house the OP probably does a good 10 to 20 hours a week more than the dh. If she focuses on it in those terms, it will drive her mad.

(What is she going to do, bill him in a year's time for 15 / 50 days of her life? just don't think about what you could have been doing with those days. Don't think about it. That way madness lies)

the dh will never see it (lazy people have no idea they are lazy - they honestly don't understand how much of the time they spend sitting on their arse relative to other people, or the difference between doing a bit of a job and finishing it). Of course the difficulty in explaining is partly because you are not remotely allowed to point out that someone you love is lazy, so if you suggest that in so many words, you have so crossed a line that you become The Bad One, and have lost all credibility by definition and everything else you ever say is evil and wrong.

So what's left?

• ltb

or

• finding a way to cajole or trick him into a modus operandi you can stand

If you take the second option, I think you should be more flexible about things like online shopping. Ocado have an option where you can sign up to Tue - thur deliveries for a flat fee. Their picking service is good so you will not get crap you can't use. it is not that expensive as you can shop very strategically with no waste.
One way of managing this would be for you to take on meal planning and online shopping through ocado. This then notionally frees up adult time. Work through the rest of the jobs fairly, cutting corners where you can stand it. tumble drier, laundry service, ready meals, part time cleaner, whatever you can afford or bear. just get the bugger to do something or enough that you can live your life in a little more comfort.

I think you've had a hard time on here op! How can a grown man not manage to put a bit of bleach down the toilet or whatever? Dp and I work around each other's shifts so we don't have to pay for childcare. When our son naps I do the jobs such as cleaning the bathroom or laundry or whatever. I work pt so do more round the house. I expect dp to pull his weight too though. You need to find a way that works for you both.

Imho he needs to get his arse to work and pay for a cleaner. It does sound like he's taking you for a ride. Yes it's tiring doing the childcare but it's tiring working full time. You need to work out a way of having equal leisure time.

He may well be doing more than you think, just not what you want him to do... Which isn't saying what you want is better or more important.

When ds went to preschool, we lived 5 minutes away and he was there 3 hours. Great, I thought, I'll get such a lot done.

No.

My 3 hours would go like this...
9.00 say goodbye.
9.05 be asked question by other parent.
9.10 actually leave preschool and go into shop.
9.20 leave shop.
9.25 put shopping away, clear breakfast things, wash up dish from last night that's been soaking overnight..
9.35 answer phone, to cold call
9.40 take phone off hook as they've called 3 times in five minutes.
9.50 clear toys away from lounge floor.
10.15 discover under toys letter that should have been answered 3 weeks ago.
10.20 answer letter
10.40 remember phone's off the hook and go to put it back, then discovering there's 2 messages on the answerphone asking you to call school back urgently.
10.45 phone school.
10.50 retrieve pack lunch from behind cupboard where it had fallen and take it to school for dd2
11.15 arrive home to another cold call.phone off hook again.
11.20 fetch stuff to clean toilet
11.25 answer door to take in parcel for next door.
11.30 in going to clean the toilet you see the hairbrush you've been searching for for the last week has slipped down behind sink and us firmly wedged.
11.55 give up on hairbrush and run to preschool to fetch ds.
12.00 puck up ds.
12.10 home, where you run upstairs to grab the toilet cleaning stuff before ds gets there first.
12.15 as you put the stuff away, vowing you really will do it tomorrow you hear a crash where ds has emptied the toy box all over the floor. Yes the clean floor which was the only noticeable thing you managed to do.

The question that comes to my mind is what sort of a partner/parent deliberately leaves chores to be done at the weekend when they could reasonably have done them during the day, during the week, without compromising family time?

Fair enough if you have a screaming baby attached to you and are getting 3 hours sleep a night, but if you've one child, at pre-school and are reasonably rested, would you really insist on 2 hours leisure time every day? Most parents I know, whether WOH or SAH, don't have anywhere near that much spare time.

The more time spent by either parent doing chores at the weekend = less time together as a family.

Witches. I like your post. It all sounds very familiar. I often wonder what I did with my days

'I think you've had a hard time on here op!'

I agree, although I accept there is SOME balance on here.

SAHP who leaves all (or even lots of) the chores for the working DP is taking the mick. IMHO. And expecting to have a cleaner so they don't have to do it is also taking the mick.

I know a few SAHPs whose 'arrangement' is that when the working DP gets home, DCs get handed over, as does making supper etc, so SAHP can have some 'me time'. Now, I fully accept each to their own, but it makes me cross/sad/sorry for the working DP. SAHP 'works' all day so therefore deserves evenings/weekends off...working parent works all day, and then - if looking after house/DCs etc is classed as work - they carry on working all evening and weekend - when do they get 'me time'?

Witchend - unrelated but if you're getting that amount of cold calls I strongly advise signing up to the telephone preference service. It's free and takes a few seconds online. I now hardly ever get calls like this!