Regarding roles and responsibilities

[limon]

I'm a ft worker outside the home in a stressful job but earning good money.DH is a sahp but woh one day per week and does a bit of freelance work.

I am feEling thoroughly overwhelmed, stressed and sick and tired of having to think about so much.

My DH seems to be of the opinion that as he shops and cooks (he won't let me cook) and looks after our child he's some kind of hero.

He asks me regularly when I come back from work what i want for tea and last week had a real go at me saying g he needs help meal planning. I suggested we sit down together on a Sunday evening and do a weeks meal planning together. We've just tried and he's told me I've bombarded him and he's faffed about , not thinking about what to eat what days but co.ing up with "we could have xyz one night" type comments. He bombards me regularly.

Hes also never ever cleaned the bathroom and thinks cleaning is just surface cleaning. Our child is at school two hours per day yet I regularly do the proper cleaning on weekends.

He chose this set up - I'm the higher earner of the two of us.

He said today "I'm no housewife I'm not good at it" and I said "I'd love to be a housewife for a bit" to which her said "we'll you chose a husband who can't earn a good living". ie it's yet again my fault.

If it weren't for me we would be living g in a shit tip.

I feel utterly depressed. All we've done today is argue. I just want him to pull his weight.

Cricketqueen read my posts. I don't expect him to do everything around the house. And I don't expect.to do everything around the house. I would like us to do an equal share.

I take one earlier finish a week when he's out at work and I involve my child in what I need to do or set her up with painting or playdoh while I tidy/clean.

He is not pulling his weight. He needs to spend an hour 3 days per week cleaning and sorting food shopping etc out. He then still gets 2 hours off for 2 days a week and an hour on the other 3 days which is more than the op gets and the house would be clean...
Weekends depends on how much individual time you both want and how much time you want to spend as a family. Hth

Cleaning toilets is a basic, so is hoovering, dusting, washing up, laundry and sinks. The only thing he does is cook unless I've missed a paragraph so no he doesn't do the basics to her satisfaction or not.

If he keeps the kitchen and bathroom clean, does dd care and food, keeps food in the kitchen replenished and old food cleared out that would help.

What I hate is every Saturday morning I end up cleaning round the kitchen and emptying the fridge of old stuff and bread bin of mouldy bread.

I'm amazed at some of the shitty replies. "Housework should be shared" my Arse! Whatever needs doing during the day is his role. If he pulled his weigh what bathroom needs cleaning again at the weekend. Yanbu , 1 child to care for and entertain is not difficult. He needs training, it will take time and love, plenty of.

I think he could do more.

He could shove a wash on while going out the door then clean for half an hour when he gets back.

For example, on Monday, a wash and cleans the bathroom.

Tuesday, cleans kitchen

Wednesday, hoovers

Thursday, dusts.

I have 6 hours a week when I'm not at work and ds is at school. I clean the house in that time. It means at the weekend I just keep things ticking over.

Even if he didn't do all that, I get the impression you would feel happier that he is trying.

In my opinion, the sahp should do the majority of the cleaning

I highly recommend you read this book. It dissects relationships and shows how a lot of couples do have unfair distribution of household labour, with the woman carrying most of the burden. Even - especially - if she works longer, earns more, etc. Even in couples who say they are egalitarian, a lot of the real labour eg making rota to do things, all the everyday tidying, planning etc - falls on the woman. Look into 'learned helplessness' - if he acts as if you are so much better and he is hopeless so you must step in. My DH does this around cooking sometimes and it is annoying - he is otherwise lovely and of course entirely capable of cooking for hi!self.

Are we all reading different op's and subsequent posts?

The op's husband is doing no household chores at all. Nothing. Nada. Everything is being left to the op at the weekend.

Yes the op realises that he is looking after their dc during the day, however gets a 2hr 'break' when the dc is in nursery, some not all of that time could be used to help keep on top of things.

You've got to speak to him, you can't sustain this in the long term. Something has to give.

What would be manageable in half an hour during the day? Obviously he doesn't have to do everything, and I can see that isn't your expectation of him. Just fairness.

Maybe his standards arn't as high as hers. I get the feeling my standards probably arn't as high as hers. If your house is tidy, reasonably clean and your child is well cared for surely the rest can be worked out between you.
I get the impression you would like to be athome more rather than working all the time. Maybe on a weekend you could do stuff as a family, less of the he looks after the dc through the week and you on weekends and more shared responsibility. Have you spoken to him about what you 'expect ' him to do? Or do you just expect him to know that you expect him to do it?

I sympathize with you OP. It does seem that he should be able to do meal planning, make grocery lists, stay on top of organizing things like appts or financial matters or what have you, despite taking care of the child. And keep on top of routine laundry, especially bedding and towels. After all, if he were a single parent he'd have to, wouldn't he?

He could shop while the child is at nursery, at least on one day per week. And do a deep clean of kitchen and bathroom on one other day, still leaving him three days a week in which he has a two-hour bloc to himself.

When I was growing up my mom was SAHP; our house was always immaculate, meals from scratch and she did the yardwork too because she enjoyed it. We were not TV watchers and in fact both learned to read far earlier than peers because she spent so much time reading to us and helping us, so it's not as though we were parked in front of mindless activities while she worked. I don't see why things have changed so much in one generation that now it's such a hardship to do housework and childcare at the same time.

He also does the shopping and a bit of laundry and a bit of hoovering now and again and mops the floors.once a week. probably a total of an hour and a half per week aside from cooking - he won't let me cook or I would gladly do half of the cooking.

I do all the other stuff (cleaning fridge, chucking out of date food away, cleaning the bathroom, dusting, sinks, changing the beds, cleaning my childs room, putting toys and books away, all house admin -bills etc - and most laundry including all ironing and making sure our child had clean uniform). I do one to two school runs per week. I also keep both cars clean as his (the family car) is a shit tip if left. I also do all arrangements for birthdays, christmas. school events, play dates and birthday parties and all clothes buying. and most of the weekend childcare.

I would add I don't have high standards. Not at all. I don't want to live in a show home. I just don't want to live in a shit hole either. His "office" is like something out of a hoarder programme.

ok slightly unfair of me. A shop once a week takes an hour. So more like two hours per week is what he does.

We definitely have different standards but mine really arent that high.

since when is a stay at home parent just that....no housework involved, lazy in my opinion.....its not hard to care for children, you have to be organized, the op husband sounds like a typical man, only sees what he wants to see, the toilet flushes, so therefore it cleans itself, the bath fills and then emptys of water so therefore cleans itself, wipe the kitchen sides with a cloth but doesnt move anything out of the way (crumbs dont sneak under anything do they) so its clean, washing is in the washing machine, therefore its clean (what someone has to take it out! and dry it! well i never!) the list is endless....its bloody hard work telling someone who casnt store this information....ive told my husband for the last 20 years bin man comes on thursday.....every week he forgets....he doesnt for get his hobby on monday nights!

I don't think he is doing enough. He only has one child to look after. He should be doing everything that needs doing during the day and big jobs should be shared at weekends.

My DP and I both work full time, but don't have children - housework is our main source of arguments. I do pretty much everything, but I realise it's largely because he won't work to my timeframes - I can't relax unless the house is clean/tidy, whereas he would happily relax and do everything on the weekends. It's a constant source of frustration here, but what does work for us (a bit!) is:

We meal plan every Sunday lunchtime - DP is in charge of day to day shopping and we also do a big online order every fortnight or so. I agree a lot of things do have short shelf lives, but we buy things which can be frozen (meat, for example) if they're too tight, and lots of store cupboard stuff.

We split the cooking down the middle, and take into account who has busy days when while we meal plan. We also have at least one day a week where it's quiche/baked potato/beans or salad type stuff.

I often set him a "task" (usually mopping all the floors and hoovering) if I'm going out on a weekend day - he's happy to do it, and because I'm not there nagging he can do it in his own time.

Grinning and bearing it. If I see the dishwasher has finished, I want it emptied now - I know if I want that, it's down to me. If I'm happy to wait until the morning, DP will gladly do it. Stuff like cleaning the loo is always going to be my job because I am fanatical about cleaning the bathroom every second day. That's my choice.

I realise not having children means I don't relate to that aspect, but I do empathise with feeling like you're the person doing everything.

Hi OP, this is like me except I don't have a small child. I work much longer hours than my dh. I travel a long commute . I cook tea, I do all the admin, banking , weekend cooking, food ordering, presents, Christmas stuff. My dh is basically quite lazy.
I think in your position I would insist he does keep the kitchen and bathroom very clean and food for the day meals is sorted with some options for tea. I don't think he should cook tea I think he could do dads tea and you and he have a light tea after work.
Make it really clear what job is his and then divide everything else up. I have an extremely demanding stressful job with very long hours and a long commute on top but I have also been a sahm and doing everything is also too much and demoralising but I think the above is fair.

I think it's worth getting a cleaner for the sake of marital harmony. It does sound like your DH needs to do more at the weekend, maybe a tiny bit more during the week.
I'm a SAHM who works two days a week. When I'm with DD she naps for two hours, I take an hour of this as my break and an hour for housework, although a sizeable chunk of that second hour is often making lunch for us (20mins?). I find this is usually only enough time to do a surface clean and some laundry. When she's awake I spend my time with her, often out of the house, as I don't think it's fair for her to spend her days watching me clean. Once my DH is home and DD is in bed we both have a quick clean around, DH does any washing up/dishwasher and I cook dinner. At the weekend we share a bit of cleaning (one will do a bit of cleaning whilst the other plays with DD) and DH does childcare whilst I do the food shop. We spend the time we have left as a family. Often at the end of my 'home' days the house looks the same as it did in the morning: my efforts have only served to keep things from not getting any worse. Thankfully DH recognises I'm not just sat on my arse and that we have equal leisure time. We've just hired a cleaner as we were so sick of spending so much time making little difference to the house. It's been amazing, and I find it so much easier to 'keep on top' during the week. She only does 2hrs, but gets so much done as it's her sole focus, and she comes at it fresh rather than having just spent the last 6hrs stopping a small child from causing themselves harm.
In the case of your DH, I echo what other's have said about by the time he gets back from the nursery drop, and has a break it must be nearly time to turn around for collection? The weekend does need a sit-down discussion. IMO cleaning is something that happens when you can around your primary concern: childcare. You say you earn a good wage, so why not make everyone's lives happier and hire the cleaner?

From what you've said about his office, he really either doesn't see it needs doing or he doesn't care that much.

You can:

• Give him specific jobs to do (he could resent you)
• Carry on as you are (you resent him)
• Do as pp have suggested and get some outside help

YANBU to feel overwhelmed but YABU to not think there are other options apart from your DH changing.

I'm surprised nobody has pulled you up on your online shopping comments. Produces doesn't (or shouldn't) only last 2-3 days, where on earth have you shopped?

As well as WifeWork, I recommend reading up on women's emotional labour. The problem isn't, necessarily, who does it. Many of the upthread suggestions still involve the OP taking responsibility for managing, thinking about and overseeing the housework.

Fine- get a cleaner- but who manages, pays, organises the cleaner? Yes, online food shopping takes 30 minutes-but who has thought about it and done it?

You have to play to your strengths and it has to be fair if not 'equal'. I do the online shopping and organise the cleaners. I do the vast majority of household admin. Dh has pretty much never cleaned a bathroom. However I absolutely hate doing the bins so he does them. He tidies the house every day, does all DIY, cooks every evening and clears the kitchen and does the dishwasher. He does all his own washing and ironing of his work clothes and washes ds's uniform and makes sure that's always ready for school in the morning.

Your standards are different. You need to find a way to address it.

You definitely think you are right, which will not help the situation be addressed.

If you love this man and want to continue to be with him you need to address all the resentment in your marriage.

or have a couple more children and then this will seem quite immaterial

Get a cleaner Op.

Your DH doesn't care about the state of the house and you can't make him care. Nor can you make him do it. So outsource it.

It's all very well not to care about the state of the house, but if the person going out to work every day does, then because you are physically at home and therefore able to clean up a bit and they are not, you should pull your finger out and clean the bloody bathroom.

It's not fair to make zero effort and then the person who cannot easily do it because they are out all day has to come home and get on with it.

One child is not that hard to look after (illness and sn excepted) and it is okay to put them in front of cbeebies for a bit and run the vacuum around or clean out the fridge.

I don't think a sahp should be responsible for all housework, but they should do what needs doing during the day and anything big that you cant easily do with kids can be shared. There should be equal leisure time.