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Original poster

Regarding roles and responsibilities

95 replies

limon · 20/12/2015 21:18

I'm a ft worker outside the home in a stressful job but earning good money.DH is a sahp but woh one day per week and does a bit of freelance work.

I am feEling thoroughly overwhelmed, stressed and sick and tired of having to think about so much.

My DH seems to be of the opinion that as he shops and cooks (he won't let me cook) and looks after our child he's some kind of hero.

He asks me regularly when I come back from work what i want for tea and last week had a real go at me saying g he needs help meal planning. I suggested we sit down together on a Sunday evening and do a weeks meal planning together. We've just tried and he's told me I've bombarded him and he's faffed about , not thinking about what to eat what days but co.ing up with "we could have xyz one night" type comments. He bombards me regularly.

Hes also never ever cleaned the bathroom and thinks cleaning is just surface cleaning. Our child is at school two hours per day yet I regularly do the proper cleaning on weekends.

He chose this set up - I'm the higher earner of the two of us.

He said today "I'm no housewife I'm not good at it" and I said "I'd love to be a housewife for a bit" to which her said "we'll you chose a husband who can't earn a good living". ie it's yet again my fault.

If it weren't for me we would be living g in a shit tip.

I feel utterly depressed. All we've done today is argue. I just want him to pull his weight.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2015 22:03

You resent him for being at home, and expect him to do it exactly how you would. How you think you would. Because until you have done it, you have no idea how exhausting, boring and hard FT SAHPing is. Until I went away for a couple of weeks and left DH to it he had no clue. He told me I could never go away again.

Online shopping and a cleaner could save your marriage. If you want it saving.

Original poster
limon · 20/12/2015 22:04

It's expensive because the food is always short date so goes off within a couple of days. which means more than one online shop a week. Which works out expensive. DH wouldn't entertain the idea.

I don't resent him for being at home. I resent the lack of a reasonable division of labour and constantly being the only one to wipe skid marks off toilets.

OP posts:
Original poster
limon · 20/12/2015 22:06

I was a sahp for nine months. yes I do k ow what it's like.

I get a half hour lunch break and I usually work through due to the workload.

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 20/12/2015 22:07

You could have been my husband a few years ago. Two hours isn't much at all. Yes, he could do some light housework and keep things ticking over -as it sounds as if he's doing- but you can't expect it to be perfect.

Also, if you get a lunch break and tea break, why can't he have an hour, say for himself?

I have always said I am here for the children, not the house. I am not the maid. Mine are at school now and I work 20-30 hours a week. Similar to before but shifts. I still expect him to muck in as it's his house too but I do the bulk though he never notices. That is how it is when you have kids and when you worked full time, it was split 50/50. I did have to explain over and over that, just because I was home, it didn't mean wasn't busy. After having kids, I was far busier than I'd ever been working full time with no kids

witsender · 20/12/2015 22:09

Children change to be fair, a 9 month old is pretty easy. Of course you shouldn't do all the cleaning. But neither should be.

BrandNewAndImproved · 20/12/2015 22:11

I think he sounds like a cocklodger.

It's not hard to whizz around for half hour a day to keep on top of things. If he can't even shove some bleach down the loo then he needs to get a job and pay for a cleaner not you op.

If I had chosen to be a housewife I would clean, cook and do the house administration. If we both work we share the jobs. Why should he get to free load off the op?

Original poster
limon · 20/12/2015 22:13

Gandalf I'm not the maid either. But I'm being treated like one.

He can have time off and he does. If he did an hour a day of housework tjree days a week things would be so much better.

I'm more than happy to muck in together but he doesn't muck in!!

He doesn't keep things ticking over.

If he was sharing some of the housework with me that would be one thing but do people seriously think it's fair that I work full time AND do he housework?

OP posts:
BrandNewAndImproved · 20/12/2015 22:14

For reference my dickhead ex used to finish work earlier then me. I would come home to a clean house, the kids fed, bathed and doing homework while my dinner was plated up ready. He was an abusive knob who I should of sent to jail but he did that as a standard.

I wouldn't have any respect for a man who free loaded off of me. A house husband who pulled his weight is one thing but a cocklodger is another let's not confuse the two and take it as an attack on sahms.

Original poster
limon · 20/12/2015 22:15

Thank you Brandnewandimproved. You've said what I've been trying to say far more eloquently than I have.

I'm knackered.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2015 22:19

People aren't saying there isn't an issue. I think your weekends need to be sorted out. Bathrooms and kitchen blitzed on one day and time off split. Same time off is a standard. BUT my babysitters and childcare workers don't also clean my house and do my laundry.

What does he say about time off and leisure? Why did he end up with a day off every w/e?

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 20/12/2015 22:21

If a man came on here and said this about his SAH wife he would have his arse handed to him on a plate.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 20/12/2015 22:22

Why is OP getting such a hard time? She works FT while her husband stays at home and does fuck all the childcare. I thought MN was usually of the opinion that the SAHP facilitated the WOHP, partly by managing the household. Or do SAHMs get to leave all the housework to their FT working DPs because children don't rear themselves?

leavemealone2015 · 20/12/2015 22:23

I understand totally..it's frustrating to have the lions share of the oohome work and then do housework such as emptying the fridge and breadbin of decaying food, buying the food and admin .
I think let him focus on your child... He should keep the kitchen and bathroom clean and food ordered and up to date and uniform washed and dried. School admin dealt with. Daytime meals sorted for dd and him.
I don't think he should cook much in the week for you both just have simple meal like soup two nights casserole two nights even a sandwich the fifth night. He can food order at home. Time of dd in nursery just to relax.

Weekend chores divided up .... other areas of house cleaned in turn. Both treated same at weekend...his job is dd and food / school / admin for dd, yours is your ooh job.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 20/12/2015 22:23

If a man came on here and said this about his SAH wife he would have his arse handed to him on a plate.

If a woman came in here as the SAHP and said she couldn't do any of the housework due to childcare responsibilities and that her DP did all the cleaning at the weekend while she had a day off, she would likewise have her arse handed to her on a plate.

witsender · 20/12/2015 22:25

Most threads say the same thing...that a sahp isn't a cleaner. Of course they should pull their weight, and each do proportionate to their available time.

BrandNewAndImproved · 20/12/2015 22:25

He's not a constant childcare provider though.

Single parents still clean, they don't say oh I have to dedicate every waking moment to my snowflake and live in a shit tip with toilets that are never cleaned and no food. There's also nothing wrong with taking a three year shopping! They can put apples in the bags, chat to the cashiers, feed the ducks on the way home ect. Getting them out of the house doesn't always mean expensive trips out it means everyday errands as well.

I bet he plays on his phone/tablet while the dc watches telly sometimes. I bet he chills out when the dc has a nap. He needs to see that his keeping on top of things means you get to have family time and it's a team effort.

The lunch break isn't comparable as your not at home. If he's willing to spend your money and live off of you he needs to play his part.

Original poster
limon · 20/12/2015 22:26

MrsTerryPatchet I usually take my child out with my sister and nephew one day per weekend because we like spending ti e together and because DH has five solid days of looking after our child, so I felt he deserves a day to himself (because otherwise he has little time to be alone. - as others have said I can poo or have a cup of tea alone at work). He likes to exercise and h's a hobby so it's his time to do that if he chooses.

I tend to want to spend time with our child at weekends but it does mean I don't get any "me" time, because he tends to back off at weekends and leave the child care to me.

He is neither a babysitter or a childcare worker. He's a dad and has chosen to be - in his words - a house husband.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2015 22:26

If a man came on here and said this about his SAH wife he would have his arse handed to him on a plate. I think the OP feels her arse has been handed to her. At least by the likes of me.

I give exactly the same advice to both sexes. Equal time off and SAHPs aren't SAHskivvies.

Crazybaglady · 20/12/2015 22:27

I get the impression that you're not going to listen to any suggesions here and just want everyone to tell you that your husband is lazy and should do the cleaning.

I am self employed and work around my children (one being 8 months) and i can honestly tell you that a cleaner will make so much difference. It's worth the financial sacrifice and will make the workd of difference.

Your husband is not a stay at home cleaner. He needs more help. Hire a cleaner, order food online, google meal plans, have a weekday free time agreement so that weekends are for family time.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 20/12/2015 22:27

But from the OP he clearly isn't pulling his weight.

Choughed · 20/12/2015 22:28

He sounds like he doesn't know how to run a house and doesn't want to learn.

What was the division of labour before you had a child?

cricketqueen · 20/12/2015 22:29

If he is doing the basics during the week then I can't see why you can't split the bigger jobs like the bathroom between you one day on a weekend.
He is looking after your child everyday, he might not have the time to clean while they are there, or he might just be trying to keep them entertained all day, there is a massive difference between a 9 month old and a toddler so I don't think you can compare your maternity leave to the current situation.
As for meal planning, some people just arn't good at planning in advance at first. It may take time to get the hang off.
You can't expect him to do everything around the house and look after your child, if you are equals then you have to act like it.

BrandNewAndImproved · 20/12/2015 22:30

He's not doing the basics that's the ops problem.

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 20/12/2015 22:33

He's not doing the basics to her satisfaction. Which is different.

TheGoldenApplesOfTheSun · 20/12/2015 22:34

Have you heard of 'The Second Shift'? Sounds like that's what's happening to you here. www.amazon.co.uk/The-Second-Shift-Arlie-Hochschild/dp/B000CDG842