Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not want to pay Mil to take care of dd

80 replies

agapimou · 20/12/2015 11:40

Mil works as a private nurse in a hospital. Every time she takes her salary she is supposed to pay a certain percentage for insurance (We are not in UK and they have a weird system here) to continue her job.

She NEVER pays this insurance and at the beginning of the year they told her she could no longer work at the hospital until she pays off the insurance bill which is about 2 or 3 thousand. Until 2 months ago dp and I were not living close to her but she was calling us regularly to send her money and help her pay off the bill in installments. She was doing odd jobs to get by and I think borrowing a lot from friends (who now no longer speak to her).

Now we live just up the road from her and she takes dd 13 months for 6 to 7 hours per day while me and dp work. For this we pay her 30 euros every week plus any extra bills or payments that crop up. I do a big shop every week and all the food gets split in half. Dp pays for her cigarettes as she smokes like a chimney. We also pay for her on days out and put petrol in the car.

Is this normal? Do people usually pay their parents to take care of the grand kids? I feel like we're being taken for a ride as mil does occasionally give massages to friends and neighbors and takes money but spends it on extra cigarettes or luxury items. She has always been terrible with money, she owes 25 - 30 thousand on credit cards and they are about to take her house. She literally hemorrhages money when she has it and buys only brand names, designer labels or goes to drink coffee at the trendy bars.

AIBU? I know paying for private childcare would be WAY more expensive so should i just be grateful that she's taking dd?

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 20/12/2015 13:28

She estimates a total of 400 a month including the other bits they buy for her.

Whatdoidohelp · 20/12/2015 13:28

It doesn't matter if she only smokes outside. It will be in her hair, her skin, her clothes. Disgusting.

NotGoingOut17 · 20/12/2015 13:34

But you're not paying for her cigarettes. You're paying for her cigarettes in lieu of paying a decent amount for full time childcare. You say in total you pay her about 400 Euros a month considering all expenses, I assume full time childcare would cost a good few hundred more.

So even with paying for her cigarettes you are better off because of HER and HER willingness to help you when let's face it she doesn't have to to the extent she does. I suggest you work out what full time childcare would cost you and how much she is saving you... Might help you realise she's doing you a massive favour.

Anyway in answer to your original question giving it more thought, I can't think of a single person who relies solely on grandparents for childcare. Most get help 1-2 days a week and I accept that this is for free, but its a world apart from looking after a grandchild 5 days a week. That's a full time job not looking after grandchildren .

Original poster

agapimou · 20/12/2015 13:46

Sorry to drip feed but I should have said we live in a very poor country. The 400 a month I estimated was for the cash, extras petrol all that stuff.

The average salary here right now is 500 euros per month for 8 to 10 hours work.

It's not that we are tight or don't want to give more money, its that we cannot afford it. There is also no welfare benefits or anything else here.

OP posts:

M48294Y · 20/12/2015 13:47

How incredibly strange that you would leave that information out of the op.

Original poster

agapimou · 20/12/2015 13:56

I did say that we are not in the UK. But didn't say that its a poor country. My bad.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/12/2015 14:01

Agapemou is in Greece. Where people think themselves lucky to earn 500 euros a month IF they can find the work. Whole families are trying to live on that sort of amount.

This MIL appears to want to sabotage her present and her future. Meanwhile the OP and her husband appear to be going what they can for her. At least if they pay her bills and for her food money can't be diverted to paying off her very substantial debts.

It sounds like chickens are going to come home to roost quite soon.

knobblyknee · 20/12/2015 14:06

I think you have two separate issues. The first is she is crap with money, and no matter how much you fork out she will never be out of debt.

The second is, when she returns to work will you still get the low cost childcare?
If not, will you still be expected to pay for her lifestyle?

d270r0 · 20/12/2015 14:36

I think she is doing you a massive favour for taking dd for that long every day and only getting 30euros a week for it, you should be paying more than that per day! In no way on earth is she taking advantage of you, in fact you are taking massive advantage of her!

wobblywindows · 20/12/2015 14:37

I'd be worrying what would happen when she loses her home. But to answer your question, your setup sounds ok as it stands. (Because what you're paying - food, petrol, any bills that crop up (?) plus days out and a bit of pocket money - probably comes to more than your estimate of 400 euros a month) I don't know what ppl pay for an au pair where you are, but that's what it reads like, not formal childcare.

On that basis, if I employed an au pair ie in my home and found out she couldn't be trusted with money- she wouldn't last long. Difficult if its your mil: same dangers, fewer options. Initially I thought she might sell some of her designer labels on ebay, but if she has access to your home too that could put you at risk.

You haven't said where she's getting the money to pay off the insurance bill.

Varya · 20/12/2015 14:48

I look after my Grand daughter for no pay because I love her.

wobblywindows · 20/12/2015 14:49

I'm guessing your DH at some level feels responsible for her and acts more like her parent than vice versa and would find it difficult to stop - she relies on him so she never has to feel the consequences of her actions.

Never ever let her move into your house.
Wolpertinger nailed it.

nutellacrumpet · 20/12/2015 14:53

YABU. I would never let a chain smoking look after my child. MIL or otherwise. Even if for only 30 euros a day.

nutellacrumpet · 20/12/2015 14:54

Chain smoker!

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2015 15:04

I look after my Grand daughter for no pay because I love her.

The implication that GPs that are paid to look after their DGC don't love them is pretty offensive, really.

DotForShort · 20/12/2015 15:07

30 euros a week for full time childcare? That is criminal.

Your MIL clearly has serious problems managing money, but that is really a separate issue to how much you pay her for looking after your DD. If she were in a position to provide essentially free childcare, she could offer to do so (though I think it should never be an expectation for grandparents to take care of grandchildren for free). As she clearly is not in such a position, it is incumbent upon you to pay her a decent amount.

GloriaHotcakes · 20/12/2015 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDeVere · 20/12/2015 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CherryPits · 20/12/2015 15:35

She will have tar and nicotine in her breath long after she's finished her fag outside and come in to see your child. Your child is passive smoking. I would get someone else to help out, if at all possible.

reni2 · 20/12/2015 15:53

Several options:

Pay her a full wage for the full time job
Pay a nanny and MIL can find a ft job
One of you stops working and look after baby

Looking after gc for free is fine if you have the money and time. She is the only one hard done by in your scenario.

Spilose · 20/12/2015 16:16

Well yes, it is common for grandparents to do childcare for free, you know, for date nights etc. Not as a full time job, that's crazy! Sounds like she is doing you a huge favour.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/12/2015 16:19

like hell is she the hard done by one.

through her own stupidity she lost her job. she's been fed, carted about, bailed out of bills and on top she's paid to do the one thing she should bloody di for free as repayment fir them keeping the roof over her head and making sure she has electricity to watch TV and cook.

while the op and her dh struggle to keep themselves in everything they need on top.

they quite happily could have quit work and then been unable to pay for her house and bills and petrol etc but they didn't.

Unreasonablebetty · 20/12/2015 16:30

I clicked on this expecting to read of a grandmother who won't do the odd Saturday evening without being paid.

How on earth can you expect that she takes care of your child all day, every day and still support herself financially?
You have completely unreasonable expectations.
Either let the poor woman go to work to support herself and ask her to babysit once a month or so, and pay for childcare.... The going rate, not your take the piss £290 a month.

Of you can pay her the going rate and have her look after your child, but this will mean she needs supporting adequately to pay all her bills etc.

It really seems like you are taking advantage. It's not fair. Her life sounds like a wreck and you seem to be pushing it further into the danger zone.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/12/2015 16:30

many gp's get taken advantage of, they have their own children and then once grown up should be able to enjoy their time as an older adult, but seems many gp's then look after their grandchildren so that their children can work and earn money

you should pay her more, esp if she was to find another job she would earn more

once she starts her hospital job back maybe they can take the insurance out before her pay gets given

bit like a student loan

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/12/2015 16:34

the op hasn't stopped her looming for a job though.

she won't do cleaning as too ashamed and cant go back as a nurse til she pays of the bill. a bill she's been bailed out of previously by op and her husband.

Flip

1 2 3 4