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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay Mil to take care of dd

80 replies

agapimou · 20/12/2015 11:40

Mil works as a private nurse in a hospital. Every time she takes her salary she is supposed to pay a certain percentage for insurance (We are not in UK and they have a weird system here) to continue her job.

She NEVER pays this insurance and at the beginning of the year they told her she could no longer work at the hospital until she pays off the insurance bill which is about 2 or 3 thousand. Until 2 months ago dp and I were not living close to her but she was calling us regularly to send her money and help her pay off the bill in installments. She was doing odd jobs to get by and I think borrowing a lot from friends (who now no longer speak to her).

Now we live just up the road from her and she takes dd 13 months for 6 to 7 hours per day while me and dp work. For this we pay her 30 euros every week plus any extra bills or payments that crop up. I do a big shop every week and all the food gets split in half. Dp pays for her cigarettes as she smokes like a chimney. We also pay for her on days out and put petrol in the car.

Is this normal? Do people usually pay their parents to take care of the grand kids? I feel like we're being taken for a ride as mil does occasionally give massages to friends and neighbors and takes money but spends it on extra cigarettes or luxury items. She has always been terrible with money, she owes 25 - 30 thousand on credit cards and they are about to take her house. She literally hemorrhages money when she has it and buys only brand names, designer labels or goes to drink coffee at the trendy bars.

AIBU? I know paying for private childcare would be WAY more expensive so should i just be grateful that she's taking dd?

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 20/12/2015 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghostyslovesheep · 20/12/2015 12:14

so don't pay her - put your child in nursery and pay their fees Hmm

I paid my mum a monthly salary - I paid her holiday and sick pay and I treated her with respect - she saved my a fortune in fees - for 3 kids - and she was amazing

Arfarfanarf · 20/12/2015 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
agapimou · 20/12/2015 12:19

Dont you think it could be argued that free childcare also falls into (partly) living off other people?

Good point.

I guess IABU then. We don't have much money at all and having to pay for someone's cigarettes really pisses me off. But, if we paid a childminder I couldn't really dictate what she spent her salary on.

Oh well. It was me. again. Sad

OP posts:
MadisonMontgomery · 20/12/2015 12:23

If you need childcare then I don't really see the problem - it appears that paying her is saving you a lot of money?

notquitehuman · 20/12/2015 12:26

I'm worried for the long term future. If she manages to lose her house then she'll be straight round yours. And it'll be very difficult for her to get any independence back.

Consider stopping the arrangement and putting your child into nursery instead. It'll free her up to look for a temp job until she can go back to nursing. Stop buying her groceries and cigarettes. She's a grown woman and needs to learn to budget better. Your DH should really be having words about her financial situation and how she can avoid becoming homeless.

Arfarfanarf · 20/12/2015 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolpertinger · 20/12/2015 12:36

Paying for childcare - yes, normal.

Paying for fags and groceries because otherwise they'd spend it all on shit and having nothing to eat - not normal.

I'm guessing your DH at some level feels responsible for her and acts more like her parent than vice versa and would find it difficult to stop - she relies on him so she never has to feel the consequences of her actions.

Never ever let her move into your house.

witsender · 20/12/2015 12:41

You're not paying for her cigarettes, you're laying for her to look after your child.

SoupDragon · 20/12/2015 12:52

Yes she is paying for her MILs cigarettes. It clearly states that in the OP.

velourvoyageur · 20/12/2015 12:52

You only pay her 30 euros!! I find this a bit unbelievable, she's a person with limited time, energy & resources like anyone else, why should she owe you anything? You should be paying that a day, no? and even that would be tiny for one-to-one care....

She's an adult, why are you being so critical about the way she spends her money as if she should listen to you and change?

sorry but you did ask!

Jux · 20/12/2015 12:53

If the hours needed for childcare are such that the gp can't work - as is the case with you - then of course you pay for it. If the gp/s were retired and had enough money coming in from oensions, then you don't have to, but each family is different and in some no payments would be needed or wanted.

TBH, I think any gp who provides ft childcare should be paid in some way.

Enjolrass · 20/12/2015 13:12

Yabu, about the childcare.

But I think you are pissed off about the whole situation in general. You are pissed off that she isn't independent and expects people to help her out when she has purposely ignored doing what she should do.

She is a taker. However in this situation everyone is mutually benefitting.

Personally I am sometimes horrified when people expect loads of childcare from their parents for free. The odd babysitting, fair enough.

But not full time childcare

Oysterbabe · 20/12/2015 13:14

How are you going to pay for childcare when she returns to work if you are already struggling?
You are paying her a pittance for what she does and its very unreasonable for you to begrudge her even that.

ToddlerTantrums · 20/12/2015 13:14

I think you need to pay her a reasonable set wage for looking after your DD. 30eur is far from reasonable.
Agree a sum and stick to it. No extras or bill payments. If you pay her a proper wage she shouldn't need it and if she does its her own fault for not budgeting properly.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/12/2015 13:15

presumably when she returns to work all the other expenses the op incurs when bailing her out will hopefully cease.

M48294Y · 20/12/2015 13:18

I don't believe any of this is true.

MrsCampbellBlack · 20/12/2015 13:19

She may be a little better with money if she had a job that paid her a fair and decent salary.

NotGoingOut17 · 20/12/2015 13:23

I don't think it's a fair comparison to ask whether grandparents normally provide free childcare when in your case you mil is pretty much doing it as a full time job! It's nice if grandparents can help out for free but there's a massive difference between giving childcare for free once a week to 5 days a week.

Your mil is presumably enabling you and your dp to work full time so let's face it you're quids in regardless of the measley amount you pay her. If you have a problem with her buying cigarettes then perhaps you can pay her a fairer amount.... Even if you paid her 50% of what you'd have to pay for childcare elsewhere I am sure she'd still be better off than you pay her now even with buying her cigarettes.

Personally I would never put a relative in the situation where they were looking after my child 5 days a week. It's a massive commitment for them and impacts on her ability to earn a fair wage elsewhere. If your mil wants to look after your child 5 days a week then the least you can do is pay her a fair amount or if she doesn't want more money and is happy to do it for a piss take, then you could have the decency not to feel ungrateful, criticise her and judge her for what she spends her money on.

Someone is being taken for a ride and it's not you.how about you and your dp take responsibility for your own child? I'm sorry but whereas I would let family step in for free for one day a week, I would absolutely be ashamed of paying someone such a shit amount for full time childcare. ..she is saving you a fortune, you have a real cheek thinking she is doing you out of anything

M48294Y · 20/12/2015 13:23

Hatethis - where did you get £290 per month from?

30 euros is just over £22. Op is paying £22 per week for full time childcare.

Mil is mad to agree to it.

Iggi999 · 20/12/2015 13:23

Pay for childcare, pay for nothing else. She's like a kid getting pocket money.

rollonthesummer · 20/12/2015 13:25

Do you pay her £30 euros a day, week or month?

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/12/2015 13:26

I'm curious as to how much a month it would really add up to if all the stuff is added up.

expect it wouldn't he a bad "wage"

she may not get much directly fir the childcare but if she's being bought food and bills paid etc she's probably "earning" a fair bloody bit tbh.

rollonthesummer · 20/12/2015 13:26

Oh, your OP says 30 euros a week but then you later say 400 a month?

Original poster
agapimou · 20/12/2015 13:27

I don't believe any of this is true

Well its a pretty boring subject for a troll thread.

When mil returns to work dp and I will juggle childcare as we cannot afford a professional. We are lucky in the fact that we both work from home and can change our hours around. Dp may also have to take on a part-time job.

I think I will sit down with Dp and agree a set amount of money and stop the extras as pp have said.

Starting to feel a little like a slave owner now as many people have commented on the low wage that we pay!

OP posts:
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