But you should say no! Then he would have to step up and parent his own kids.
You allow him to not have to do that. So you cant complain when he doesnt have DS because you let him off the hook with DSD. Your choice. But you only have yourself to blame.
Utter, arrant bullshit.
This man is not going to magically transform into the perfect father if a woman who loves his child suddenly refuses to care for her, on the numerous occasions when he can't be arsed. He will simply find someone else to dump her on, without the least concern for their even liking the child, far less loving her. The thinking that if only women managed men better then they would behave better is so demeaning to the great fathers and husbands out there, and it's also incredibly sexist in placing all the responsibility for male choices and behaviour onto women. He is not a child, whose behaviour can be improved with judicious and intelligent management. He is a selfish and neglectful adult, whose choices are now habitually in his own interests.
The OP is stepping up, as she explicitly says, because his behaviour hurts his child, in making his lack of interest and concern plain, and she can shelter her from that by making her own loving interest every bit as plain. And yes, he is a manipulative toad in trying to make out that if she ever fails to provide free childcare, she is the one lacking in care and love of dd... but he wouldn't be the primary loser if the OP refused to do so, the child would, so the OP is swallowing the shitty behaviour to protect the child. This is what putting a child first looks like in practice, when only one side is interested in doing so. It means unfairness to the decent adult in the equation, or unfairness to the child. There is no good third option in such situations. To believe otherwise is to enter the realms of a Disney cartoon.
Talk about blaming the victim. And what spectacularly great evidence that a stepmother can't win for losing, too.
This child is hideously unlucky, in having a dick for a father. Previous posters are right: he doesn't seem to be doing the care in exchange for the CSA remission, and you have to wonder if his contact time is mainly taken up to cut his bill, given he doesn't seem to want to see her on his days, anyway. But unlike so, so many children in this position, she does have two loving, engaged, concerned and committed parents. It's just that one of them is her stepmother. Most blended families don't have this level of warmth and trust between the former partners, and the benefit to the children is so apparent here.
OP, kids are not stupid. In 20 years' time, you will be someone this girl loves and respects and visits, and sees as family. Her father may not find himself in that position, because he hasn't put in the time, and shows no sign of planning to.