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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To assume he has forgotten his child?

92 replies

HairySubject · 19/12/2015 16:13

Exp brought our son home at 10am this morning. He only picked him up at 6 last night but that is a whole other thread. Anyway he said he had too much to do so couldn't have ds today. He had to get his tyres changed and a isn't want to take ds with him.
He had his dd with him (from relationship previous to ours) and she asked if she could stay here too rather than get dragged around. She is 7 our ds is 3.
I of course said yes. Well it is now 6 hours later and still no sign of him.

Aibu to assume he has forgotten his dd is here? I know I can just ring him but then he will be all like, well if dd is too much trouble for you I will just pick her up blah blah blah. If you don't want her etc etc.

OP posts:
Jux · 19/12/2015 18:01

Well, he's been having a lovely time today, hasn't he; guilt free too.

Original poster
HairySubject · 19/12/2015 18:22

He said something about having to grind them off and new alloys. I have no idea, I don't drive. Funnily enough it was a friend of his that helped him, not a garage which explains a lot.

I am definitely well rid. I will drop her off at her mums tomorrow, just round the corner so she will know where she has been.

OP posts:
VoldysGoneMouldy · 19/12/2015 18:45

What a useless excuse for a sperm donor. Feel for your DS and his DD.

Zucker · 19/12/2015 18:49

Are you not going to let the child's mother know where she is sleeping tonight? Why are you still so accommodating of such an arse of a man?

RudeElf · 19/12/2015 18:52

Confused Why cant he get his tyre changed with his kids there? I do it all the time. It takes 15 minutes.

contrary13 · 19/12/2015 18:53

If I were you, OP, I'd still let the mother know where her child is tonight - just in case of emergencies on any of the three sides to this equation.

Lweji · 19/12/2015 18:57

Why do either of you keep saying yes to this guy?
Would you be ok for your child to be dropped off at hers and you finding out the next morning where the child has been?

Original poster
HairySubject · 19/12/2015 19:19

Good point actually I will let her know where her daughter is.

I didn't say yes to him Lweji dsd asked, as he knew she would, so I said yes to her. I know that it played right into his hands but I would never say no to her just to prove a point to him.

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/12/2015 19:23

I'd bet he put the idea in her head.
In those situations you always deflect to the parents. Is it OK with him? Is it OK with her mother?
Or say something like it's her time to be with her dad, you couldn't possibly impose on that. Same with your child. They need father-child time.
Much safer.

Original poster
HairySubject · 19/12/2015 19:25

If I deferred to him he would say Oh yes of course. I might try the 'time with your dad' thing. I don't mind having her, she is a great kid but I do feel he takes advantage. Last week I had her three nights!

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 19/12/2015 19:30

Wierd that you wouldnt tell mom where she is. Is that just basic? Seems like you are quite happy to accomodate his lack of child care arrangements.
On one hand you are upset the XP didnt have DS for allotted time, yet you allow him not to have DSD for his time.
Which do you want?
Why are you in the middle of her parents arrangements? And would.you be happy for DS to be dropped at another house without your knowledge?

Original poster
HairySubject · 19/12/2015 19:43

I have text mum now, she is fine with it. Her mum is quite happy for her to spend time here.

If ds dad chose to leave him somewhere during his time with him, as long as they y is trustworthy and responsible and ds is happy to be left then yes that would be fine. Just as I don't ask his permission if I wanted to leave him at my sisters or something.

When I gave picked her up from her mums, I don't let him know I have her. As long as the parent with care at that time knows where she is I assumed that is OK. But anyway her mum knows where she is.

I am also annoyed that he is not making an effort with his 3 yo ds who is begging to go to daddy house, of course I am. But that doesn't mean I have to say no to a 7 year old who asks me if she can stay here.

OP posts:
ToddlerTantrums · 19/12/2015 19:50

Your x should like a dick. You sound lovely it's great that you have a good relationship with your DSD and her mum

QueenArseClangers · 19/12/2015 19:51

If you have an agreement with the CMA/CSA I'd be letting them know he doesn't have DS as much as he should do (if that's the case with overnighters).
Was he supposed to be having DS all weekend?

QueenArseClangers · 19/12/2015 19:52

And I def second the other posters who say you sound lovely.
He, however, is a right dickslap.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 19/12/2015 19:56

But you should say no! Then he would have to step up and parent his own kids.
You allow him to not have to do that. So you cant complain when he doesnt have DS because you let him off the hook with DSD.
Your choice. But you only have yourself to blame.

DontMindMe1 · 19/12/2015 20:04

I just think he is being unreasonable dropping her off unannounced and then sodding off all day.

It's not just unreasonable - it's also child abandonment and fuckwittery of the highest order - from someone who is meant to be a parent.

The only reason arses like him get away with behaving like this is because people like you and the girls mum enable and allow them to.

by all means have the girl round at yours - but only when it's been agreed directly with the other mum and on her time. Don't allow it to happen during his contact time and don't make accommodations for his ridiculous 'reasons'.

if he doesn't want to be a dad and look after his kids then that's fine - just don't allow him to mess the kids around and fuck with their feelings and heads. They deserve better than that.

Original poster
HairySubject · 19/12/2015 20:10

I don't see how I am suddenly in the wrong here, would the rest of you have said no to the child when she asked could she stay? Yes I could have said no and forced her to spend the day with her dad swing Lord knows what but she wanted to stay at mine so I listened to her wants. I didn't realise when I said yes that he would bugger off all day. I wrongly assumed that changing a tyre would take and hour or two.

OP posts:
Loki17 · 19/12/2015 20:14

I'm sorry that your ex is a twat of the highest order. I am full of admiration for you and your exs DD's mother though. How lovely it must be for your children to have such easy contact with each other irregardless of their dad being an arse.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 19/12/2015 20:18

But you had her three nights last week, was that his time too? you havent at the time informed her mom, and didnt give him a time, you just rolled over.

DSD is being deprived of her fathers time and you allow it, its not her choice,

OTiTO · 19/12/2015 20:18

You and dsd's Mum sound lovely. Exp not so much Confused

ohtheholidays · 19/12/2015 20:20

OP you sound really lovely and your DS and DSD are both very lucky to have you.

Your ex doesn't sound like he would ever have deserved you!

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/12/2015 20:20

He's done this to two sets of kids so far. Tell me he hasn't plonked himself into another situation like this with a another poor, unsuspecting women and will do it again.

It's not your fault women have been socialised to enable shit fathers. Although the world would be a better place if we didn't.

Scarydinosaurs · 19/12/2015 20:23

You're completely not in the wrong.

Ultimately, spending time with him would damage their self esteem. He is a shit father, it's better that they're with you.

He doesn't deserve the privilege of having time with his children. I hope he dies lonely and unhappy- the stupid prick.

flippinada · 19/12/2015 20:26

OP hasn't actually done anything wrong here, how about putting the blame squarely where it lies, with the waste of space father?

He's not going to magically turn into a good father if OP says 'no'.

I can see why his DD wants to stay there instead of spending time with someone who 'forgets' her for 6 hours.