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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...To uninvite my parents this close to Christmas.

96 replies

WickedWax · 18/12/2015 09:56

Long story short, my mum and dad should basically have got divorced at least 20 years ago. Their relationship is fucking miserable and from an outsiders point of view there's no love or respect left at all.

Out last night for a meal with DH's family for a special occasion. My mum and dad were invited. I spend the whole evening on edge. The drinks start flowing and the bitching and sniping at each other across the table starts. All very passive aggressive, delivered with a tinkling laugh or in the guise of a joke but I can see them winding each other up and feel the atmosphere bubbling.

I left at about 10.15pm with DS to get him home to bed, and left DH and my parents there with all of DH's family.

DH arrives home after midnight with my mum. Apparently mum and dad have had an argument, surprise surprise (all DH's family had left the restaurant at this point - thank God!), my dad has walked off and left my mum in the middle of town on her own so DH has brought her home to get a taxi from our house.

My night was spoiled purely by them being there, DH's night kind of spoiled by ending up trying to be referee/peacemaker and get my mum home safely.

They were meant to be coming here for dinner on Christmas day. I'm sick of them. I feel that I have two options...

A. Have them over, spend a miserable day on edge waiting for them to kick off.

B. Tell them I no longer want them to come for Christmas Day and spend the day feeling guilty about it.

I feel like B is the lesser of two evils, I just don't want them here. So AIBU to uninvite them this close to Christmas, and can anyone help me word a text to them both to explain why please (I really don't want to have to talk to either of them)?

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 20/12/2015 10:05

Good for you if you have had years of this sniping and behaviour its going to grind you down you are not being hypersensitive I hope it goes ok Christmas day. I go to my parents and when they start we leave its diffeeent when they are at yours though.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/12/2015 10:54

FWIW I think you're doing the right thing. There can be absolutely no doubt about what you expect, and who knows - it might just have given them the wake up call they need, at least when in company. If it doesn't and they still kick off, at least you'll never have to justify your decision about going very low contact (not that you need to anyway of course)

I confess I'm not quite sure how you'll handle the (utterly sensible) no alcohol thing ... unless you bring drinks in on a tray or something, with soft drinks only for them? It's excellent that your FIL is on board about this to avoid awkwardness, but I just worry that it might tip your parents over the edge?

Original poster
WickedWax · 20/12/2015 11:06

We're thinking a glass of champers or a beer on arrival and a glass of wine with dinner. DH is warned - no topping their glasses up. I'll make coffee with dessert. We have an account with a local taxi firm thru DH's business and they'll be here sharpish if we call them. Fun eh!

I've written off Christmas Day. We'll have a nice morning just the 3 of us before everyone arrives. Then we'll do another day with FIL and DH's grandparents and a roast dinner and in my head that's my Christmas Day.

Merry fucking Christmas Grin

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/12/2015 11:18

I like the way your mind works, WickedWax Wink

Just hope they don't interpret your welcoming glass of fizz as not meaning it about the alcohol. It's also a bit hard to see what you'll do if they reach for a top up over dinner while declaring "Well, it IS Christmas!!"

SmaDizietSma · 20/12/2015 11:24

Option B without FOG.

They behaved very badly and there is no way is expose my family and guests to their nastiness on Christmas Day.

SmaDizietSma · 20/12/2015 11:32

Cross post, sorry.

If things kick off before Friday, you can always change your mind.

Rise above it and have a lovely day. CakeChocolateXmas SmileWine

quietbatperson · 20/12/2015 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 20/12/2015 20:26

I think your plan is good. But I'd pour full glasses of 'welcome fizz' for everyone else and a 1/2 glass for them with a pointed 'look'. Same with wine at dinner. And I'd be sure the liquor is locked up or hidden.

Blu · 20/12/2015 21:02

Op: I think you should write to them and say exactly what you said in your post below: the para that begins " I can't explain how unwell I felt.,.."

Given your Dad's text to you I doubt that either of them will take any responsibility for their behaviour. In truth, after humiliating you like that and behaving badly at someone else's occasion they are so locked into their own drama that they have no care for your feelings or anyone else's.

You don't deserve to spend Christmas Day on tenterhooks because grown adults can't behave with decency.

Personally I would uninvite them, but I understand why you are weighing up all sides.

RideEmCowgirl · 20/12/2015 22:40

OP - have you heard from them?

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 20/12/2015 22:55

No need to give them any alcohol. Get some fizzy grape juice in (for them).

roaringfire · 20/12/2015 23:12

I feel for you OP. My sister ruined so many occasions with her low level sniping - if I called her on it she'd say Oh, Its just a joke, chill out, you need to calm down, and belittling me with stuff that she knew only I would find upsetting. It was usually the drink. She had no shame though and would sort herself out and cause a scene on that score too.

I would uninvite. Then they can spend time together bitching.

Original poster
WickedWax · 21/12/2015 15:21

Spoke to my dad today, managed to get across everything I wanted to say. He just kept saying he could reassure me it wouldn't ever happen again, I kept telling him he could promise me the earth but nothing could possibly reassure me it's never going to happen again. Told him how Christmas Day was going to be said I wished the two of them had got divorced years ago and told him that after Christmas I'm done.

Then just had a call from my mum, who chatted on as if nothing has happened Confused and I'm now convinced my dad got to her phone and deleted my text before she saw it Shock.

I'm booked up with clients all say so didn't have a chance to get into anything over the phone with her. I'm going to give her a call later and lay down the law to her too.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/12/2015 15:39

Not a surprise, I guess; it really does seem that your dad's fine words are just that - words - and probably not much will change, especially if you're right about your message being deleted. It's worth saying the same to your mum, but after that you can only do your best on Christmas Day and go from there (maybe with a plan about how you'll handle their departure if it comes to that?)

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/12/2015 15:47

"I'm now convinced my dad got to her phone and deleted my text before she saw it shock."
So he's sabotaging your wishes? Already?

Jux · 21/12/2015 15:50

Good on you, Wicked.

It's still not too late to uninvite. Remember that.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/12/2015 16:03

I would very happily uninvite them and send a text to both saying:

"Your arguments and the fact you hate each other means neither of you are invited to ours for Christmas Day. I will only see you separately in future. Get divorced or sort your shit out. I'm not listening to it any more. I look forward to seeing you separately in the new year. I'm not arguing about this and I still love you both."

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 21/12/2015 16:26

I'd resend the text to your mum now and follow up with your phone call this evening.

And it's very easy for your dad to promise the moon when he's sober. It's another thing to keep that promise when they've been drinking!

I think you need to impress on them that you are absolutely determined that any bullshit from either of them will be the straw that will break the camel's back for both of them. That you don't care which of them acts up, it will result in both of them being banned. That might help prevent not only bad behaviour on their own part, but stop one of them from trying to quietly goad the other into blowing up. Then gird your loins. At least you know that this will be the last Christmas you'll have to deal with this, one way or the other.

Curtainsandtv · 21/12/2015 16:32

I'd give them the choice... They are welcome, but only if they are either nice to each other or keep quiet! Alternatively, they can stay at home, and bicker/argue! (Make them decide by a deadline so you know what you're doing). I don't see what the great difference is between email and text - they're both electronic, written communication. I'd say email actually seems much more formal and less personal (email makes me think of work). Unless it's going to be very long... I'd either send them a shortish text, or ring them. Explain your concerns/reasons, but it doesn't need to go on forever ... Just be clear and succinct x.

RideEmCowgirl · 28/12/2015 21:12

OP - how was it?

CFSsucks · 28/12/2015 22:41

Do you have an update OP?

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