...To uninvite my parents this close to Christmas.

[WickedWax]

Long story short, my mum and dad should basically have got divorced at least 20 years ago. Their relationship is fucking miserable and from an outsiders point of view there's no love or respect left at all.

Out last night for a meal with DH's family for a special occasion. My mum and dad were invited. I spend the whole evening on edge. The drinks start flowing and the bitching and sniping at each other across the table starts. All very passive aggressive, delivered with a tinkling laugh or in the guise of a joke but I can see them winding each other up and feel the atmosphere bubbling.

I left at about 10.15pm with DS to get him home to bed, and left DH and my parents there with all of DH's family.

DH arrives home after midnight with my mum. Apparently mum and dad have had an argument, surprise surprise (all DH's family had left the restaurant at this point - thank God!), my dad has walked off and left my mum in the middle of town on her own so DH has brought her home to get a taxi from our house.

My night was spoiled purely by them being there, DH's night kind of spoiled by ending up trying to be referee/peacemaker and get my mum home safely.

They were meant to be coming here for dinner on Christmas day. I'm sick of them. I feel that I have two options...

A. Have them over, spend a miserable day on edge waiting for them to kick off.

B. Tell them I no longer want them to come for Christmas Day and spend the day feeling guilty about it.

I feel like B is the lesser of two evils, I just don't want them here. So AIBU to uninvite them this close to Christmas, and can anyone help me word a text to them both to explain why please (I really don't want to have to talk to either of them)?

If you've got the courage, I'd phone (not text as that can be misunderstood immediately and also you'll get a first hand impression of their reaction), explain that following last night it's apparent they've got problems which are upsetting for them and you. Then go onto say you want xmas day to be a lovely family day with no tensions (even if underneath there are) - you'd still love them there (even though you have your doubts) but could they please be pleasant to eachother for the sake of xmas day and also you don't want any unpleasantness in front of your DS.

You can see what reaction you get to this. If it's reassuring, then xmas day should go ahead as planned. If not and you get the impression they'll be tensions, then that's the point I'd suggest you'd prefer them to stay at home.

Definitely uninvite. My parents divorced 20 years ago very acrimoniously and on the few occasions where they have had to be around one another (e.g. my graduation almost 10 years ago) I have cringed at the way they are with one another - even when trying to be civil they just can't help but drop digs at one another and I get very stressed even thinking about them spending time in the same room (one of the reasons I would never have a wedding if I got married). they will occasionally bump into one another (probably about once a year) and they always each individually tell me all about it and have a little bitch about the other one (despite apparently being all civil and nicey nice when they actually saw each other) - I hate it. You do not want to spend all of Xmas worried or stressed and you will be if they come - even if they don't argue or snipe at each other (which it sounds like they will). Just tell them the truth - you find it stressful spending time with the two of them together and after the argument at DH's family meal, you'd rather not see them on Xmas day. I agree with previous posters that you do need to do it over the phone (at least) and that a text shouldn't be used for this kind of thing. I can understand why you want to text, as they will probably kick off about it, but just remember that it isn't your problem if they get annoyed and you are within your rights to go low/no contact if you don't want to have to deal with the fallout. You need to take care of your own mental health and leave them to deal with their own mess. It sounds harsh but I think you need to prioritise your own happiness in this case.

In your position, I think I would just tell them you can't face it and explain how awful it was for you yesterday. You have to put your husband and child first. Your DH sounds long-suffering but there is a limit. You're doing your parents no favours in allowing them to spoil everyone else's Christmas.

I would be telling them that they could take turns coming to events in future. They may have a poisonous marriage, but this should not be allowed to poison your life or the life of your family. It sounds as if you have gone through quite enough and, rather than having your child pick up on your tension (and he will, I'm sure he's aware of something even today as you're worrying about it), it's best to turn the choice back onto your parents. They are incredibly selfish.

Also, this sounds a bit awful, but you are only thinking of yourself when you say you'll feel guilty if you uninvite them. Your DH won't have to worry about things potentially kicking off if they're not coming. The prospect of possibly having to ask people to leave his home/comfort a very upset partner would ruin Christmas day for if it were my DH, even if your parents behaved beautifully. Truly, they have burnt their boats.

Uninvite. It might be the wake-up call that they need.

Look, Christmas day is potentially a trigger for really bad behaviour for those who don't get on. For your sakes, your parents should stay away. Maybe being cooped up together will make them get on with separating. You really shouldn't feel guilty, but you must emphasise how their behaviour makes you feel. Tell them that they make you feel ill, everyone else around them embarrassed and disinclined to socialise with them. Say you are ashamed of the way they behave in company. Also say that you don't want DS to witness any of it.

It is not too late to uninvite them. Better that you don't have to be in the position of having to make them leave. You and your family deserve a stress free Christmas without the constant worry of wondering when it will kick off, and to be able to drink without watching the intake of mum and dad.

It would be much better to see them on a 'neutral' day if you feel able to.

You have to talk to them today - explain how they make you feel. How you're now dreading christmas day.
Give them a chance to say "oh we won't come then" and you can say "ok that is probably for the best".
then your mum will cry
and your dad will stomp off
but at least you'll have made them realise they can't just continue behaving like this.

Whatever you decide, do not text or email them. Talk to them directly, either face to face or over the phone.

It sounds like a really difficult situation. Good luck.

You sound really sensible and grounded, sorry you're having to deal with this. Good luck!

You're right, you'd be sitting on tenterhooks all day. How about:

"I am so disappointed that once again you two prioritise scoring points off each other over the feelings of those forced into being your captive audience. You ruin it for other people. I am sick of your petty squabbling, and don't want to see it ever again. I particularly don't want to see it on Christmas Day, my family deserve a happy Christmas and so do the rest of my guests. Since you've proved yourselves once more of being incapable of considering the people around you, I don't want you here. Please make other arrangements for yourselves for Christmas Day. And I expect an apology from both of you for your behaviour in front of DH's family last night before I'll consider being in your company again."

With luck they'll go into a huff until summer.

So sorry you're having to go through this OP.

I think the identical text or email to them would be best. Speaking in person will be (wilfully) misunderstood and twisted.

Definitely uninvited them. They do have plenty of time to arrange their own meal and it might finally get through to them just how much their behaviour affects you. Time for you to put yourself and your family first. They have proved how stressful and badly behaved they can be, let it be the last time.

B, definitely B. If you try to tell them to behave there'll just be sly digs all night and you'll be miserable, and when enough drink has been taken, they'll argue anyway, except they'll keep saying things like "oh no, I'm not supposed to say that because Wickedwax doesn't like it"

Tell them no digs allowed. No jokes. No snipping. The first person to do it is no longer welcome in your home.

Text or email them. Let them know you are not interested in talking as you are far too angry with them.

Then steel yourself to ignore them. My DH had to field one particularly sniffy call from my dad, but 'No, you will not upset my wife again' seemed to throw him off his usual domineering, boorish track.

Start protecting yourself from the life your parents have chosen!

Good luck and have a lovely Christmas.

I like Where's text very much indeed.

WickedWax I agree with you about the difficulties around asking them to leave if they kick off, but I also get what you're saying about feeling guilty if you "uninvite" them completely

Since others will be there too, you really don't want to risk a whole awkward day - so could you have them just for the evening, perhaps? I'd definitely avoid the morning in case they resisted leaving before lunch, but wouldn't coming around teatime mean they'd still get to share part of the day, while giving you the "limited time" you mentioned?

I don't know what you should do. But wanted to say I totally understand, my parents were exactly like this. I was on edge all the time around them waiting for things to kick off, it made me so anxious and tense. And it inevitably did kick off, every birthday/Xmas/weekend visit, horrible viscious insults and often tears/storming off.

I was on the brink of telling them frankly I thought they should really think about splitting up, when Dad died unexpectedly. The sad thing is that this Xmas I feel about equally sad that dad won't be there, and relieved I will actually be able to relax for the first time ever....

...actually thinking about it, your only recourse is to uninvite them. My parents knew how much it upset me to see them be so nasty to each other, but were utterly incapable of not winding each other up. Even when we had non-family company they'd still do it, and regarding anything else they'd be horrified at the idea of causing an upset or drawing attention. But not when it came to their arguments. It was an absolutely unbreakable pattern.

Uninvited them, or steel yourself for more of the usual. I doubt there is a middle ground.

I would uninvite them .

then in future seperate times

OP - what are you going to do?

Morning all.

I sent a text on Friday (I know, I know, but I just wasn't interested in talking to them) saying they'd ruined another nice event for us, that they can't seem to be civil especially when they've had a drink and I was sick of them both. I didn't mention Christmas day. My dad replied "thanks - great help". Wtf?

DH then received a voicemail from my dad yesterday morning, saying he was sorry and we can be assured nothing like that will ever happen again. Yeah right. Talk is cheap and at this point there's nothing either of them can do to assure me they can behave like normal civilised people.

DH phoned my dad back, got his answerphone, and left a message saying I was really upset with the both of them, pretty ashamed of their behaviour, and they probably need to have a chat with me.

I'm still absolutely fuming with them tbh, I thought I might have calmed down a bit but I haven't. I couldn't give a shit now about Christmas day. DH thinks they should still come over as uninviting them means there's no going back and DS is looking forward to having them here. I've said if they end up here this year then fine, I'll suck it up this one last time, but they'll never ever get an invite to spend Christmas or any other 'occasion' with us ever again after this.

DH thinks I'm particularly hypersensitive to their sniping but totally understands why, and how much it upsets me. He said a lot of it goes over his head but when I listed all the digs they made at each other over the meal he agreed that he'd noticed a lot of them and it was inevitable it was all going to kick off. He agrees their relationship is a disaster.

So after DH's voicemail to my dad I'm expecting either a phonecall or for them to turn up here today or at some point before Christmas Day.

I plan on telling them - I'm done with their sniping, goading, bitching and arguing. I am only still going ahead with Christmas Day as DS is looking forward to a big family day. The wine will not be flowing for them as they can't control their tongues when they've had a drink. We've told DH's dad about this and he's on board with it (that will embarrass them). At the first sign of a comment or dig, no matter how it's dressed up or said, with a smile on their face and a laugh, they'll be hoofed out and if that's in the middle of dinner then so be it (whether I'll be able to carry this through is another matter). And for them, it will be lunch and then leave, not the usual day where they end up staying into the night for buffet, etc.

If at that point they throw a strop or decide it's for the best they don't come then that's fine by me.

I'm just done with them. I plan on getting Christmas out the way this year and then it will be duty visits for a cup of coffee on birthdays and occasions and that's it. They've pushed me too far.

It's been really helpful reading through all of the replies to come up with a bit of an action plan and help me articulate to my parents just how much they've upset me. Thanks everyone .

Good for you op.
Ex's parents were like this....I used to be open mouthed at their bickering and sniping and eventually refused to spend any time with them.

Sounds like this will nicely bring it all to head. Either it will make them realise that their sniping has gone too far and is negatively affecting others or it will help you to go low contact with them and keep your DS's life lovely and rosy.

Good luck on Christmas day. Hope you have the courage to eject them if they can't control their bitterness to each other. It sounds like you might.