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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...To uninvite my parents this close to Christmas.

96 replies

WickedWax · 18/12/2015 09:56

Long story short, my mum and dad should basically have got divorced at least 20 years ago. Their relationship is fucking miserable and from an outsiders point of view there's no love or respect left at all.

Out last night for a meal with DH's family for a special occasion. My mum and dad were invited. I spend the whole evening on edge. The drinks start flowing and the bitching and sniping at each other across the table starts. All very passive aggressive, delivered with a tinkling laugh or in the guise of a joke but I can see them winding each other up and feel the atmosphere bubbling.

I left at about 10.15pm with DS to get him home to bed, and left DH and my parents there with all of DH's family.

DH arrives home after midnight with my mum. Apparently mum and dad have had an argument, surprise surprise (all DH's family had left the restaurant at this point - thank God!), my dad has walked off and left my mum in the middle of town on her own so DH has brought her home to get a taxi from our house.

My night was spoiled purely by them being there, DH's night kind of spoiled by ending up trying to be referee/peacemaker and get my mum home safely.

They were meant to be coming here for dinner on Christmas day. I'm sick of them. I feel that I have two options...

A. Have them over, spend a miserable day on edge waiting for them to kick off.

B. Tell them I no longer want them to come for Christmas Day and spend the day feeling guilty about it.

I feel like B is the lesser of two evils, I just don't want them here. So AIBU to uninvite them this close to Christmas, and can anyone help me word a text to them both to explain why please (I really don't want to have to talk to either of them)?

OP posts:

reni2 · 18/12/2015 10:33

WhereYouLeftIt said it perfectly.

VestalVirgin · 18/12/2015 10:33

It seems you want them to be there, so what about you only invite one of them, and then the other?

Or would they oppose such a plan and instead demand to be treated as a couple?

(I misread your "should have been divorced" as "got divorced" and your post made total sense to me, so ... just treat them as if they had a messy divorce?)

VestalVirgin · 18/12/2015 10:35

I mean, invite one for one day, then the other for the next day.

I feel that angry silence won't be what you aim for, either, so having them there together seems pointless.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/12/2015 10:36

Why would you feel guilty?
Look up FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) so you understand why you put up with this.
They are NOT your responsibility.
Tell them their performance the other night has just proved to you that Christmas with them in your house will be awful for all of you so you don't want them to attend.
You want a happy Christmas day and they would make it uncomfortable and awkward and you'd rather they stay away.

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2015 10:43

I think you are unreasonable to uninvite them this close to Christmas. BUT I think you need to meet with them in person before the big day and explain face to face that what happened the other night was unacceptable and they need to appear to get along, or to ignore each other in a civil manner, while at your house.

If they do not think they can do this then they cannot come. If they argue or protest just calmly say a few examples of what so not acceptable speech e.g.

"The wife always......."

"He's so lazy he never...."

"it's like world war three when...."

You are hosting and you have to think about your sanity, your husband, your child and anyone else who may be there, drop in or be in a 5 mile radius.

I would not do this in a jokey way, I would start with

"DH told me what happened and how mum was left in the restaurant to make her own way home. I was very sad/embarrassed/angry on Dh's part, I was relieve my hardpan’s family didn't see this, I was upset because.... " Etc

Then say

"I did think about not having you over for Christmas because I could not bear the thought of a repeat of the other night."

Then say "But I have decided you are still welcome if you can XYZ. If not, you will not be welcomed or you will need to leave straight after lunch." It might help t arrange to walk a neighbour’s dog or go for a family walk straight after lunch and tell your parents if they have been difficult they will need to leave when you go out for your walk.

In reality you may struggle to throw them out, in which case I would be tempted to say you had a headache and go to your room, if everyone in the family does that they may leave!

It's awful to talk about you parents like this, sorry, but really they need to work out how to live together or how to part amicably (if they are over 60 they may not wish to do this as although they may dislike each other they are still each other's back up in an emergency, they are company etc, so they may never split up!).

You are totally within our rights to expect harmony in your own home on Christmas day.

Hope you get it!

citybushisland · 18/12/2015 10:48

They are supposed to be adults, uninvite. 17 years ago my Mother slagged my Dad off to everyone at DD1's christening, nasty, bitter and rude comments, for me it was the final straw, my wedding, my 21st, school leaving every special occasion had been ruined by her. Everyone was embarrassed, she has never been invited to another 'occasion' by me, we do not see her at Christmas. We go to her on her birthday and take her out for lunch, 2 hours max once a year is as much as I can take.

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2015 10:49

husband not hardpan!

Can you limit the time, they need to go after tea, and have an early tea?

can you limit the alcohol?

By the way you seem to view them equally to blame. Is that the case? From what you say your dad was the one who left your mum on her own. It seems wrong to uninvite her too, or do you feel they are equally to blame.

Have you talked to DH and DS, what do they think?

Your husband may feel worse about them not coming than you do about them coming!

Good luck.

PS Of course if you decide to uninvite them that is your business, but if so, please do it soon so they have time to buy the Christmas food they need.

lorelei9 · 18/12/2015 10:55

OP, have you ever had to ask anyone to leave your home?

it's not pleasant and on Xmas Day it must be awful.

I would say tell them not to come. It's much better than letting them ruin it and much better than having to order them out.

citybushisland · 18/12/2015 10:59

Sorry, some of my post went missing...

Don't feel guity about uninviting them, if they can't behave in a public place then it's likely to be much worse in a private family home.

reni2 · 18/12/2015 11:01

Would you feel better if you yourself knew this is the last time if they blow it?

Maybe they think this is the way to argue, do it publicly, others can see what a knob he (or she) is if they do it well... if they've done this for 20 years and nobody ever told them to pack it in they might feel it's ok. Tell them you are taking note of each nastiness.

Could you tell them this is their last chance after last nights shenanigans? That way you could count down in your head (3h until I never have to listen to this again, 1h, 30 min...)

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/12/2015 12:03

Please, please send them WhereYouLeftIt's post - don't change a single word. It is perfect.

YWNBU to uninvite them, and YASoNBU to be upset and beyond angry with their behaviour - and I think you need to tell them, clearly, directly and unambiguously how unacceptable their behaviour is, and how you have no intention of accepting it in your life any more.

You deserve a happy Christmas, and a stress-free, PA-sniping-free one.

Gruntfuttock · 18/12/2015 12:15

"Please, please send them WhereYouLeftIt's post - don't change a single word. It is perfect."

I agree 100% with this.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 18/12/2015 12:22

Agree WhereYouLeftIt said it perfectly.

Ohfourfoxache · 18/12/2015 12:40

Also agree with Where - if they act like children then treat the like children

BathshebaDarkstone · 18/12/2015 12:51

Option B.

BathshebaDarkstone · 18/12/2015 12:54

Oh yes, please text what WhereYouLeftIt said.

diddl · 18/12/2015 12:58

YANBU-uninvite if you want.

There's a whole week left for them to organise themselves!

We've done nothing yet foodwise!

Floisme · 18/12/2015 13:03

I agree with Where's sentiments. I would tell your parents that it's up to them if they want to spend the rest of their lives making each other miserable but that they're not dragging you down with them.

But for the love of god, please not by text. There are some conversations that need to be face to face and this is one of them.

Psychmumma · 18/12/2015 13:14

Looking at it objectively, perhaps they are in such a rut and pattern of their behaviour that they really can no longer see how a) they are affecting each other and b) how they are affecting other people. How about sending an identical message to both along the lines of;
" It seems that you two are becoming increasingly unhappy in each other's company. This is having an impact on me, and I am concerned for you both, as well as feeling stressed about how future get togethers may be affected, especially in light of the other night. How can we move forwards? Would you be happy / interested if we took a break this Christmas so everybody can take stock of the situation?"
Don't put yourself in a position where you a refereeing between the two of them, but also, they need to know that things need addressing.

Fizrim · 18/12/2015 13:14

Gosh, I would be tempted to uninvite because it sounds as if you will have to get them home if they start arguing. If they are driving themselves, then they are out at the first snipe. Otherwise, uninvite with a chat about how they ruin the occasion for people as they wait for fight club to commence.

mummymeister · 18/12/2015 13:21

I honestly think that there are couples in these sorts of relationships - constant bickering, bitching, sniping - who like it that way. they like the ability to be nasty and then to make it up afterwards. its not my way of doing things and not yours either OP but clearly their relationship works for them or they wouldn't still be together would they/

so my point is that this is the way they have chosen to conduct their relationship and there is nothing you can ever, EVER do to change this. you either have to live with it and develop coping strategies like limiting the time you spend with them or you have to bail. if you cancel them now you must do it with your eyes wide open knowing that this might be the end of your relationship with them either permenantly or at least for a while.

They know that their behaviour is unacceptable, they really do. they just don't want to change it.

if you call them out about it or cancel then be prepared for the fall out.

I would have them round but limit the time they are there and then after Christmas in the cold light of January have a good hard think about it.

whois · 18/12/2015 13:24

They probably don't even realise how bad their behavior is - it will just be normal to them.

My parents kind of went through something dissimilar and last year it was really awful to be around - and me and my sister basically said 'divorce, or stay together, your choice. We'll support and love you both no mater what, but you if you stay together you have to behave pleasantly to each other when we are around."

They have now moved into just ignoring each other as much as possible - which is a def improvement!

5Foot5 · 18/12/2015 13:30

It is not too close to Christmas to uninvite them. The shops will be open for another six days so they have ample time to go out and buy any provisions they need for a Christmas Dinner.

WhereyouLeftIt post is perfect.

theycallmemellojello · 18/12/2015 13:31

I really don't think this is the kind of thing you should do by text message. At least an email if you really can't face doing it in person or on the phone.

Original poster

WickedWax · 18/12/2015 13:40

Thanks everyone. While I wouldn't wish this type of thing on anyone it's good to know that I'm not alone .

I understand the suggestions about no alcohol and thought about that myself, but it's Christmas Day, I like a few glasses of champagne, DH and his dad (who will also be joining us along with DH's sister and niece) like their nice red wine, and I don't see why we should all have to not drink just because two adults can't behave.

To whoever asked if one of them is more to blame than the other - they're equally as nasty and bitter as the other and the sniping and goading last night was equal. There's lots of unresolved anger and issues from the past and a lot of resentment has built up on both sides but I'm sick of hearing about it. They use me as some kind of mediator/counsellor and have done for a couple of years now - I've had enough. I've actually told them both I think they need professional counselling and have told them I wish they'd divorced years ago. They're in their early 60's. As far as I'm aware they could both afford to live separately, there is no reason to stay together and I kind of think if you're not happy, and very obviously haven't been happy for sooooo long, then put up or shut the fuck up. Don't inflict your unhappiness on everyone around you.

I do like the text by Where, we have tried something similar previously, but Bugrit hit the nail on the head with The sniping will be low-grade, not quite enough to ask them to leave but enough to destroy the pleasant atmosphere. I just had a chat with DH about how realistic it would be that we would carry out the threat and actually kick them out mid-meal on Christmas Day. And by that point, if it comes to that, the day is already ruined. He agrees we probably wouldn't/couldn't go through with it. There's no way I'm retreating to my bedroom feigning a headache in my own home on Christmas Day to get away from it. Limiting their time here on Christmas Day is a possibility - his dad and sister will be here for the duration, long into the evening, and they're more than welcome because they're great company, but I'll have a chat with DH about how we could limit my parents time here.

I can't explain how unwell I felt last night during the meal. It was a very long table and I'd tried to place us at one end, hoping that my parents could be at the very end with me and DH in between them and the next guests, but they ended up right next to DH's mum and step-dad. I was totally on edge, wincing at every dig they made to each other and just waiting for it to kick off, I literally had to force my food down. As I left the restaurant with DS I felt a huge sense of relief. Poor DH, it was his nan and grandad's 60th wedding anniversary and he ended a lovely evening sorting out my fucking parents. I'm so angry and embarassed, he's been really sweet about it though.

I totally agree a talk would be better than a text, but I'm strongly considering going low to nearly no contact with them as I feel I'm about done with them now. I don't enjoy spending time with them together, I don't enjoy their company any more.

Off to look up FOG, thanks for the recommendation!

OP posts:

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