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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that he messaged his ex secretly?

26 replies

itschristmastime123 · 18/12/2015 07:53

Been with DP 1.5 years.

He messaged his ex on her birthday. Nothing dodgy, literally just 'happy birthday, what are you up to work wise, hope you're well' etc. She replied, but he didn't reply back, so just one birthday message.

Problem is, he didn't tell me. I saw it on his sent emails whilst looking for some flight details.

He says he didn't think I'd find it (not an excuse), and that I'd get upset by it and he didn't want to deal with the fallout. He said he just wanted to see how she was, and be polite, as she messaged him the previous birthday.

I got upset, not because he messaged her, nor because of the innocent content, but it just felt strange he kept it a secret.

AIBU?

OP posts:
scribblegirl · 18/12/2015 07:58

Was he going to any length to keep it secret, or was it more just that he omitted to tell you?

Does he have any form for untrustworthiness?

If not I think YABU, sorry. He doesn't have to tell you explicitly about each email he's sent. If he was actively covering stuff up though, or if this has been an issue before, then maybe not so much.

Fugghetaboutit · 18/12/2015 07:59

Yabu. hardly a secret

Picnic2223 · 18/12/2015 07:59

Did he keep it a secret, or just not tell you If you see the difference.

I don't tell my DH everything doesnt mean that these things are secrets just that we have other things to talk about.

Original poster
itschristmastime123 · 18/12/2015 07:59

Edit: He also lied about it, when previously I said 'have you heard from ex since she wished you a happy birthday?' and he said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
itschristmastime123 · 18/12/2015 08:00

Sorry I didn't make it clear in the OP, it was the lying bit that upset me, that's what I meant my kept it a secret

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 18/12/2015 08:02

Do you want a relationship with someone who lies for a quiet life?

Because that's what you've got.

orlakielyimnot · 18/12/2015 08:02

I wonder if you're worried about a possibility of them hooking up. If you're insecure about your relationship then you'll notice things like this more.

Original poster
itschristmastime123 · 18/12/2015 08:03

Oh no I'm not worried about them getting together. It's what Bathtime is talking about - lying about the little things to have an easier time of it. He has admitted in the past he is a 'people pleaser' and will lie to make me happy if it's about small things (?)

OP posts:
scribblegirl · 18/12/2015 08:04

What did he say when you asked him why he'd said he hadn't spoken to her when he had?

HackerFucker22 · 18/12/2015 08:04

How did he lie? Did you ask him and he said he hadn't messaged her or is it the fact he didn't tell you? Very different things in my opinion.

I don't expect my DP to divulge every time he sends a message / email but if I ask him "have you heard from xyz?" and he lies then I'd be pissed off.

bobbywash · 18/12/2015 08:05

TBH it wouldn't worry me, but I can see why you would not be happy. The thing is, are you likely to have been cross with him (as he suggested) if he had told you at the time? If so, I can understand why he says he didn't tell you. My exDp was like that, I only had to mention the name of someone else to be having an affair, acting inappropriately etc. Accordingly it was easier not to say anything.

Also if that's what he had from his ex, it may be that it's just learned behaviour repeating itself. You need to make your opinion clear to him so he knows in future.

Original poster
itschristmastime123 · 18/12/2015 08:06

So I said 'have you heard from ex since she messaged you on your birthday?' and he said 'no', even though he had heard from her, since he messaged her. When I bought up the lie he apologised, said it was innocent (I saw the message, it was), and said it was that sometimes he will tell small lies if it means his life is a bit easier, if he thinks it isn't a big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
itschristmastime123 · 18/12/2015 08:08

Yes bobby, I said I wouldn't have got mad, but his ex would go bezerk if he even like a girl's picture on Facebook, so learned behaviour is definitely some of it. I did say 'I don't want you to lie' etc

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 18/12/2015 08:09

Frankly you sound very insecure. Who tells their dp when they wish someone a happy birthday? And if all he'd had was a short message thanking him for the birthday greeting, he wasn't unjustified to say he hadn't heard from her. I think that he's either not given it a thought or he knows that you're paranoid about the ex so thinks it better not to bring her up. Pick your battles, on this occasion your dp has done nothing wrong.

EasterRobin · 18/12/2015 08:13

If he didn't reply back to her, then he's obviously not trying to rekindle an old flame with his wishes of birthday happiness so it sounds like you can relax on this one for now. Perhaps he still feels an element of closeness from their history, or perhaps he wishes hundreds of people happy birthday... it doesn't really matter.

If he was properly still in touch with her and open about it, would you be ok with that? If yes, you should let him know so he doesn't feel the need to hide these things. If no, then unfortunately OP I think a lot of people would act the same as your DP to avoid a fuss over something they see as innocent and indeed polite. If you know her, you could ask him to wish happy birthday from you as well in the future (marking your territory with joyous greetings).

scribblegirl · 18/12/2015 08:13

Ive been with a guy who took Tgat view before. I explained that it was pretty patronising to me and also that we only wound up having a bigger fight later on when I found out!!Smile

How have you left things - has he agreed not to lie about small things again? Do you think he gets why it bothers you?

To be fair though, if it were me the question 'have you heard from ex?' would probably be a bit of a loaded question if I'm totally honest - DH would probably clock that there was an element of my asking that wasn't conversational!

Original poster
itschristmastime123 · 18/12/2015 08:17

yeah, we left it with me saying I'd rather you didn't lie, even if you think it will upset me, because it's best just to sort it out there and then. he agreed, though said he will find it hard as he is a 'people pleaser'. that's it really, we had a short conversation and moved on. It's just now I keep wondering if he is lying to keep me happy, as he has done it before over silly little things! Need to just get over it tbh.

OP posts:
JemmaPell · 18/12/2015 09:16

I must be from another planet as I wouldn't be very happy if my dp/dh messaged his ex in the first place!

I think you're completely justified Op in feeling the way you do.

DropYourSword · 18/12/2015 09:25

I know this isn't what you're asking OP, but I wouldn't really appreciate my DH checking up on whether I'd heard from my ex since a specific date.

citybushisland · 18/12/2015 09:34

What is the problem with people remaining friendly with ex's? I've been with my OH for over 20 years, we met when I was 24 so I only have 4 real ex's - I'm in fairly regular contact with 3, I rarely mention having spoken to them to OH, there's nothing to hide, but I don't mention every conversation I have with my female friends to him either.

Does he make you feel insecure, or have you been in relationships in the past that have caused you to be suspicious? Because sending birthday messages is not a sin, nor is not saying anything to your partner, the white lie isn't good, but you need to ask why he felt the need to do so, and possibly be prepared to not like the answer.

InTheBox · 18/12/2015 09:40

I think the issue is him keeping it a secret. Not the contact itself. I'd be wondering if he can lie about something so seemingly inconsequential what else is he willing to lie about.

maybebabybee · 18/12/2015 09:47

Depends on context. I was good friends with my ex before we got together and our break up was on good terms so we still stay friendly. I always text him happy birthday and vice versa. My DP doesn't mind, although I don't think I make a point of telling him every single time I do it for much the same reason I don't tell him every time I text one of my female friends Confused. There's no big secret, some of you are extremely paranoid!!

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 18/12/2015 10:21

What does it really matter

She is part of his boast and he may still care for her that does not mean he wants to be with her

Your reaction maybe why he didn't tell you

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 18/12/2015 10:22

How did past become boast Confused

Part of his past ....

Timri · 18/12/2015 10:26

Just out of curiosity, why did you feel the need to ask if he'd heard from her since she wished him a happy birthday?