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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to not go to work tomorrow or being over senstative?

112 replies

littlemissnaughty121 · 17/12/2015 17:55

I work with 99% men so swearing and banter is always going on. I was moved next to a guy today who is very full of himself, has a degree and sees himself better than everyone else. His language is awful - F this C this. Anyway, he called a lad "duck" so I took the mick & said that I'd throw something at him if he called someone else duck. Anyways, he was swearing like a trooper when one of the lads came over and asked how I put up with it so I repeated that he could swear away as long as he didn't say "duck". Well, he laughed & said "duck" so I threw a tiny piece of paper at him. Well, he lost the plot screaming at me, who did I think I was throwing something at him and to never to do it again, it was so violent - he is a large 6ft6 man to my 5ft2 slim build. I just stared in shock - the other guy walked off in shock. 5 mins later, he repeats what he said and made say that I wouldn't do it again and apologise.

I think one of the managers has had a word as everyone heard/saw it. I sat in total silence for the rest of the afternoon. I am sitting next to him tomorrow so don't want to go in.

Am I overacting?

OP posts:

Chottie · 17/12/2015 19:34

Go to HR tomorrow first thing, say you felt intimidated, vulnerable and unsafe in your work place.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 17/12/2015 19:39

He bullied you. Go into work tomorrow and ask for a different seat or for him to be moved. It isn't appropriate for them to expect you to sit beside him after that outburst. So although you're saying there are no other seats, they will need to do something to accommodate you both after what has happened.

But, imo his outburst wasn't about you throwing paper. It was about Mr K criticising his swearing and about your response making it seem like you had control over whether he swore or not because you implied you let him swear but don't let him say 'duck'.

CatMilkMan · 17/12/2015 19:46

Both as bad as each other you shouldn't have threatened to throw something at him and you shouldn't have then thrown something at him and he shouldn't have shouted at you.
You literally threatened him.

ilovesooty · 17/12/2015 19:47

I think he behaved badly but you don't come out of it looking too good either.

Tigs0609 · 17/12/2015 19:54

I'm from a town where everyone calls each other duck. It's just the norm here, mainly used when greeting or saying goodbye to someone.

CremeBrulee · 17/12/2015 19:56

He is an arse. But your own childish behaviour, (teasing him about his choice of words, throwing paper at him) has contributed to this situation. Being in tears about it is also childish, and so is threatening not to go in to work.

Be a grown up. Turn up and do your job. Don't engage with the arse - be polite and professional but don't try to engage him in 'banter'.

Dipankrispaneven · 17/12/2015 20:05

You literally threatened him.

With throwing a tiny piece of paper? Tell us, CatMilkMan, just how terrified would you have been of that threat?

nippiesweetie · 17/12/2015 20:15

No reasonable person would have reacted as he did to being missed by a thrown ball of paper.

His reaction was disproportionate and threatening. He has a problem. His employer has a problem.

FreeSpirit89 · 17/12/2015 20:16

If you had a problem why didn't you go to HR in the first instance and lodge a complaint?

Instead you threatened him and then threw something at him. He over reacted with the screaming but in my opinion you both acted like children and quite frankly that never ends well.

Go in, take whatever comes and ask to be moved.

MySordidCakeSecret · 17/12/2015 20:16

you're both the blame really.. i'd be getting on with work rather than throwing paper and making a deal over what is a very common and non-offensive term

That aside it's happened now, so pick yourself up op. Try not to be upset.

lougle · 17/12/2015 21:14

I'm torn really. It all seems quite trivial, but you openly criticised his use of 'duck'. In effect, you were criticising his home area and language. I can see why that might have led to a deeper reaction than if it was something that didn't have a local connection.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 17/12/2015 21:30

Jesus Christ. Only on MN could a joke and a bit of paper be turned into GBH. How do you people function on a daily basis? Being so offended all the time must be fucking exhausting.

Timri · 17/12/2015 21:50

I personally don't understand the problem with terms like 'darling, love, lover, hen, duck, '
I don't understand why people do?!?
(I know you said you don't either OP, but a lot of people do and I find it strange)

CatMilkMan · 17/12/2015 22:45

Add message | Report | Message poster Dipankrispaneven Thu 17-Dec-15 20:05:08
You literally threatened him.

With throwing a tiny piece of paper? Tell us, CatMilkMan, just how terrified would you have been of that threat?

She literally threatened him, she threatened to throw something at him.
She explained this very clearly.

InTheBox · 17/12/2015 22:50

Honestly sometimes MN is a parallel universe. You know what CatMilk I think he should have gone the whole hog and dialled the police on her.

CatMilkMan · 17/12/2015 22:55

I'm on the line with 112 , my digestive is only half covered in milk chocolate. Wait. Am I being sarcastic? Be back soon need another phone to call for help with my sarcasm.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 17/12/2015 22:55

It. Was. Clearly. A. Motherfucking. Joke.

I despair of this site, I really do.

BasicBanana · 17/12/2015 23:00

He is clearly a bullying wanker with issues, your tone might have been a bit off but probably not in the context of your workplace. Gender comes into this too doesn't it, bet he doesn't scream at his male colleagues. HR all the way.

Skzr1214 · 17/12/2015 23:08

Hmm. HR department being run inefficiently here.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/12/2015 23:12

Duck is common among men where I'm from in the North. Hey up Duck! It's pleasant. It's not offensive.

He overreacted but you shouldn't tell people what to say or throw things at them.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/12/2015 23:12

Odd behaviour on both sides. Duck might not be to your liking but we can't all have a do over innocuous words. Moist would cause office riots.
Yes he went ape over a non matter but you began the conversation. You made a thing of it.

munkisocks · 17/12/2015 23:24

Well the op didn't really tell the guy what to say but more tried to make banter with him like they all probably do with each other. Looks like op just joined in on the banter and got a mouthful in return. So what if she threw a bit of paper? Sounds like he was in a bad mood to start with tbh and you were the last straw.

I would go in and I'd sit at my desk and ignore him all day but converse with others there. Dont let him think he got to you. He will very likely be feeling embarrassed and possibly not wanting to go in himself to face you!

HowBadIsThisPlease · 17/12/2015 23:39

You have to go to work tomorrow, even if you just go and get a meeting with a manager / HR, tell them everything, and then do your best to do your work but if you are overwhelmed you can ask for a break / to go for a walk / etc.

you shouldn't throw things at work. This man sounds awful, but you overstepped a mark in throwing anything. Don't do it again and don't try to have a laugh at work again. Someone can always use it against you.

If you hate it at this workplace now, after this, you can of course leave whenever you like as you are a temp, but make sure that you have logged your version of events as, as a temp, you are very vulnerable. Much more than permanent staff.

If you go on temping, don't forget this, and don't forget that when working with people who don't know you well (as a temp everyone is new) you have no leeway, no credit, and if you end up in a situation where you did something trivially silly and now someone is screaming at you, the company have a lot more invested in the other guy than you.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 17/12/2015 23:41

Technically throwing is violence and the verbal stuff is verbal. I know this is nonsense but just watch things like that.

Someone threw a pen at me the other day - in a very friendly way (I know that sounds silly but it's true) and I was shocked. I side stepped it, and didn't make a fuss. But others noted it, there was a small silence, and the person immediately regretted it. We all moved on. But it felt very out of place, very 6th form common room as opposed to office. he hasn't had a job a long time and I don't think he will do it again.

TheCrimsonPleb · 18/12/2015 09:04

Duck is an expression common to the Midlands. Note Midlands, not 'the North'. I was born in Nottingham and in the words of Caitlin Moran (Wolverhampton girl) "We're not Southern twats, we're not Northern twats, we're Midlands twats".

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