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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to not go to work tomorrow or being over senstative?

112 replies

littlemissnaughty121 · 17/12/2015 17:55

I work with 99% men so swearing and banter is always going on. I was moved next to a guy today who is very full of himself, has a degree and sees himself better than everyone else. His language is awful - F this C this. Anyway, he called a lad "duck" so I took the mick & said that I'd throw something at him if he called someone else duck. Anyways, he was swearing like a trooper when one of the lads came over and asked how I put up with it so I repeated that he could swear away as long as he didn't say "duck". Well, he laughed & said "duck" so I threw a tiny piece of paper at him. Well, he lost the plot screaming at me, who did I think I was throwing something at him and to never to do it again, it was so violent - he is a large 6ft6 man to my 5ft2 slim build. I just stared in shock - the other guy walked off in shock. 5 mins later, he repeats what he said and made say that I wouldn't do it again and apologise.

I think one of the managers has had a word as everyone heard/saw it. I sat in total silence for the rest of the afternoon. I am sitting next to him tomorrow so don't want to go in.

Am I overacting?

OP posts:
ZedWoman · 17/12/2015 18:21

I'm from Nottingham originally. Duck is a general term to mean 'mate' or dear' or 'darling'. 'Eyup me duck' means 'hello mate'.

I never thought anything of it until I moved away. When I first moved to Scotland I found it weird when I was once referred to as 'hen'. I suppose it's the equivalent of 'duck'.

All my family still refer to eachother as 'duck'.

Narp · 17/12/2015 18:21

Is 'duck' fuck?

You have right on your side, and witnesses. I would go to speak to the manager as soon as you go in. Explain that his language is offensive and unfitting for the workplace and that he was verbally aggressive and physically intimidating.

Original poster
littlemissnaughty121 · 17/12/2015 18:21

Its a northern saying - calling people "duck" - hello duck, you alright duck ect but its not a man thing to say - only woman ever really use it. But Im not from the area so find people calling others duck strange.

I know I was out of order throwing a bit of paper at him - I'm an ongoing temp so sit wherever I can. Its a huge car workshop hence being 99% men. I get on with everyone else and sat there listening to him drone on about how wonderful he is. Did feel slightly sorry for him as he was begging people to the cinema with him (offering to pay for them) but they all said no.

There is no where else for me to sit tomorrow. Im sitting here in floods of tears at the thought of even seeing him tomorrow let alone working next to him.

They are trying to make room for me in the managers office as the three of us get on so well but not sure how long that will take.

A going to phone the agency tomorrow for a different placement.

Thanks for all your kind words.

OP posts:
PurpleGreenAvocado · 17/12/2015 18:22

Try a letter f not a letter d?

LeaLeander · 17/12/2015 18:23

What is your age, OP?

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 17/12/2015 18:26

Don't feel sorry for him, he's a knob and obviously people know this

Gobby, seriously??? It's not like OP randomly started throwing things!

You have to go in OP, but take yourself to a manager and say you're not comfortable sitting with him again. They should arrange for you to sit elsewhere and discipline that man. If not definitely go to HR. I would suggest speaking to management first but make sure it's all documented

goodnightdarthvader1 · 17/12/2015 18:27

Im sitting here in floods of tears at the thought of even seeing him tomorrow let alone working next to him.

I'm sorry, but that seems a bit excessive. Yes, it must have shocking, but what exactly are you worried about? That he will do it again? For all you know, he might have calmed down enough to feel really bad and apologise.

You have my sympathy, you really do, but you need to find your anger. Unfortunately you're going to encounter difficult people in the workplace. You can't run away from them all, or you won't stay in a job for more than 5 mins.

gobbynorthernbird · 17/12/2015 18:28

Yes I would. It's a very deliberate, confrontational, and aggressive act.

InTheBox · 17/12/2015 18:30

LeaLeander Why is that important?

OP, go in tomorrow and keep your game face on. Be cool, calm and collected. His reaction was way over the top. Definitely speak to higher-ups about how this type of behaviour is unacceptable.

OddSocksHighHeels · 17/12/2015 18:31

Well kicking people at work doesn't tend to get you very far. And I read it as being done in a jokey way, I've done similar and know others who have as well when it's done in a lighthearted way. It isn't meant to be confrontational from the way I read it and the way I'm imagining it.

Have you got other things going on OP that are making this feel worse than it is?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 17/12/2015 18:31

gobby do you have a history of overreacting? My colleagues and I occasionally throw paper at each other. None of us have felt the urge to punch each other's lights out.

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2015 18:33

You need to see a doctor about your anger, gobby. Your response is completely irrational and would be seen as such in court (which is where you'd end up if you acted as you say.)

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/12/2015 18:33

A tiny ball of paper? Of course it's not aggressive for heaven's sake! You'd hardly feel it hit you!

LeaLeander · 17/12/2015 18:34

OP's age is of interest to me because I wonder if she a) has much experience in the workplace, and age can be an indicator of that
and b) if she is very young it's more likely, in my experience, that she is easily intimidated or unable to stand up for herself in a workplace setting.

Original poster
littlemissnaughty121 · 17/12/2015 18:34

Gobby - yes, it was childish to throw a piece of paper (didn't hit him as im a rubbish shot) but you seriously condone a man beating a woman over it? I will never do it again. Lesson well and truly learnt.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 17/12/2015 18:36

goodnight, you throw things at colleagues in an effort to make them behave as you feel they should?

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 17/12/2015 18:36

I'm from the Midlands and men use 'duck' as much as women. 'Ay up me duck'. My dad uses it regularly. I don't get why you were offended by 'duck'?

BluePancakes · 17/12/2015 18:36

I still don't get why you didn't want him calling someone else "duck"? Confused

Timri · 17/12/2015 18:37

What the duck indeed.
Going off on a tangent, but I heard duck was a short form of the word ducas, which is basically a word to show respect to somebody. I think Duke is derived from the same word?

OddSocksHighHeels · 17/12/2015 18:37

That's massively twisting what happened in the OP and what goodnight said.

OddSocksHighHeels · 17/12/2015 18:38

On another tangent, my gran used to use cock as a term of endearment. Still makes me giggle.

TheoriginalLEM · 17/12/2015 18:38

I understand the duck aversion, its akin to calling someone love.

But please don't be intimidated by this man.

InTheBox · 17/12/2015 18:39

gobby You are being massively obtuse. That's not at all what the OP detailed.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 17/12/2015 18:39

gobby I throw tiny rolled up bits of paper at colleagues when they're being cheeky and having a joke around, and they do the same thing to me. I managed 4 years of this without

a) yelling and screaming about a papercut and how I would sue their asses
b) getting up, going to the colleague in question, and kicking the shit out of them
c) bursting in tears and going to HR about how I'm being bullied.

None of those would be sensible courses of action.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 17/12/2015 18:43

I think you need to go in and get your side of the story in before he does.

He could well say he was using a term of endearment towards someone else, you made a threat and then, when he used it again you threw something at him.

Factual in itself, but he will downplay his role.

I don't think either of you come off very well here, so it may well be a case of who 'tells' first gets the more sympathetic hearing.