AIBU to want my kids to open their presents on Christmas Day?

[whatwouldaudreydo]

I LOVE Christmas! I start buying presents very early and very rarely pay full price on anything, so by Christmas I've usually spent about £300-£400 on each of my two DC, including stocking presents from Santa and tree presents from me.
(Not looking for judgment on spending level - each to their own I say, and I don't really buy them anything throughout the year, apart from a bit on birthdays.)

We'll be staying with my DPs for xmas. My brother, his partner and my niece are also coming on xmas day (they alternate between our DP and her DP so get 2 xmas days each year in effect). They have just spent a fair whack on my niece's birthday last week and also bought themselves a big ticket (6 grand) 'luxury' item a few months ago - don't want to out myself so staying vague if that's ok! With this in mind they decided they'd have a more 'frugal' xmas (again no judgements please, frugal means different things to different people) and have spent about £150 on my niece.

My dilemma is, my DB has asked that my DC are not given all their presents on Xmas day so as not to make their DC feel 'bad' she's not getting as much.

My argument is that it's not anything to do with me what they've chosen to spend their money on, it's none of their business how many presents my DC will be getting and I want my DC to open their presents on actual Xmas day in front of me, not Boxing Day, when they'll be with their dad for most the day.

Also, practicality-wise, I wrapped them all ages ago so have no idea what are the more expensive things, or what are the cheaper things in order to make sure that they'd have their 'main' presents on xmas day iyswim!

Apparently I'm now the selfish mean Aunty who'll be ruining xmas!

AIBU to think that I should be able to give my DC their presents at the same time I would on any other Xmas day and not comply with my DB's requirements just because they've cut down this year?

And when did this all get so bloody complicated....?!

Please be gentle with me, it's my first AIBU and I just want some different perspectives from non-family!

I would imagine most kids have all the presents open by 10am! Especially those who are not good at delayed gratification
Niece arrives after that, no issue.
I do think you have spent excessively but you have your reasons for going overboard and as you say you have gone for quantity rather than quality.

Re the Disneyland holiday mentioned by another poster, I gave my dcs a trip to Disneyland one Christmas and when they realised they were not going that actual day they lost interest. Tickets for things in the future don't appeal to little ones, it's all about now! A holiday in six weeks doesn't have the same appeal as a toy you can play with on Xmas day. Luckily the Disney thing was an extra I,e we had booked a holiday and thought we may as well tell them in Xmas day but I wouldn't bother doing that again! Too many other exciting things happening!

Christ. I think DD's presents last year cost less than £40 and as we had our Xmas on 13th Dec she had literally nothing on the 25th. Amazingly, she survived and nobody felt the need to call social services.

Just do what you want, it's not like he's keeping the swimming pool holiday villa secret from your dc?

Just don't come back in January and complain that they "barely played with anything", OP. If you want to teach your children that Xmas is all about presents the go ahead. Some of us prefer it to be about time spent together and being kind to others.

I would say "sure" and then still give most things

At 6 kids don't know what costs more anyway.

Your brother is silly for asking, but since he's asked I would just (pretend to)compromise a bit to keep the peace.

Brushtheheat - actually they see all the holiday videos, FaceTime etc. And I'm really not angry at my brother and definitely not taking anything 'out on my niece'. I'm a LP of two DC, have a child with SEN and ADD and struggle (although obviously not as much as some people) throughout the year to keep it all together. Xmas day is my most special day as I get to be looked after by my DP for the day, watching my DC open their presents and enjoy themselves - it just felt like I was being asked to compromise this. Obviously, as with all families there's probably an undercurrent of childishness entering in to it all, which I will certainly think about again.

Do what is right for you, your dc are your priority and his are his. It is up to him to explain it to his dc. Just like you have to explain why no holiday villa to yours.

This all seems really weird to me. From both sides of the camp tbh.

I only buy my DC one* present from me and the rest of the things i buy is from santa. The present from me is given on xmas eve and santa presents arent wrapped but left under the tree after DC asleep. They "open" them as soon as they wake as they are right there and visible.

*it is always a pair of PJs, a chocolate santa each and one gets a xmas book and the other a Xmas DVD which we watch in our new Xmas jammies while eating our chocolate santas and then read the book before bed.

However wrt your situation i dont think your DC would notice a few presents not being in their pile and held back til the evening or next day or one given on xmas eve. At the same time i dont think Dniece would notice that her cousins had higher value gifts. Perhaps she would notice a larger sized pile of gifts though so worth thinking about that if it will be the case. Then again if they all just tear into their piles at the same time they'll be oblivious to who has gotten what, they'll just be absorbed in their own stuff.

DissappointedOne - every present my child receives from me is carefully thought out, not an impulse purchase and I know will be loved - adding to Playmobil and Lego collections, plus a lot of books, clothing etc. The toys that don't get played with are usually from other people so I tend to smuggle them away before noticed to regift or give to charity.

And well done for being a much better parent. Obviously my kids are completely hateful, ruthless despots who hate spending time together or being kind to others

YANBU at all.

Vis a vis disparity in presents. One of my grandmothers adored one of my brothers, liked the other and hated me. My brothers got tons of stuff from her and I got nothing, well, once I got a plastic chair for my dolls' house and once (when I was 6) she gave me a pair of beige tights.

One of my brothers had brilliant godparents who gave him amazing presents. Mine gave me prayer books or pictures of saints.

We had cousins whose parents were very rich. One Xmas we were all staying with them. We had never seen so many presents (think Dudley Dursley needing an extra room).

Did I care? No. My brothers shared with me, let me play with their stuff. My cousins shared most of their toys. You need company for games. Most things got shared anyway. Yes, I loved the silver pendant one of my cousins got and would have loved it if I'd got similar, but hey, that's life.

RudeElf - like I said in OP, I know xmas spending/gifting is different in every household. Santa brings token presents, tree presents from me. Each to their own! But I think you're absolutely right about them not noticing each other, I have no recollections of any of my family's presents when I was a kid - too busy with my own!

Jux, you totally cared, because you have remembered all that!

I think this is a bit odd from a few angles:

• your brother needs to chill out. If he thinks his child has the right number and kind of presents, and he is happy with that, that should be fine - if she is a whining brat who will suddenly be disenchanted with her presents because someone else has a bit more then he needs to tackle that head on and take her aside and tell her to look at what she has, not what she hasn't.

• she probably isn't though. Most children get really excited at Christmas and no one will be counting the detail.

• You have gone totally overboard, in my totally uninvited opinion. You say your children often miss out on things. Why make them miss out of stuff and then go crazy at Christmas? I know you got good bargains and have been looking out for stuff for a long while but I think that's a miserable life for children - feeling poor most of the time and then suddenly getting more toys than they know what to do with. ok that is personal opinion but I would rather have comfortable nice boots, a decent car, a nice bedroom, good food, and occasional treats like cinema than do without all these and suddenly get a million presents one day a year. I went without a lot as a child and I am sick of it.

Ive just had a think and i cannot remember a single thing any of my (many with varying degrees of wealth/poverty) cousins got for xmas. And we were very close to both sides of my family, seeing them all many times over xmas, so would have been telling and showing each other what we got. I remember my sister getting a dolls head that you could put make up on one year and being jealous but other than that i remember nothing of what anyone else got.

I think howbadisthisplease has a good point about the 'feast or famine' style approach of nothing all year and go crazy in one day. I would cut the spending at Xmas and be able to enjoy some treats, holidays, extracurricular activities etc during the year.

As I said in OP, I wasn't inviting opinions on my spending. And by miss out I meant on stuff that my DN gets to do, that would not be affected in any way by me spending less at xmas....and also missing out doesn't necessarily mean spending money - I often think my DC miss out on a lot simply by not having 2 parents there doing stuff with them together.
Obviously part of me is compensating my guilt over this by going 'totally overboard' at Christmas. Makes me feel a bit better as a parent, and they absolutely love it. Might not be the right thing to do in some people's opinions (including obviously my DB's!) but there we go.

It really isn't a 'feast or famine' approach I promise you - my DC get to do stuff and go places and have a holiday! I don't know where this idea came from that my poor deprived DC get nothing until Xmas day! I'm just not one of these weekly toy buyers, or attraction gift shop spenders etc.

Op you said you don't buy them anything through the year except Birthdays hence you have given the expression that you go bonkers spending at Xmas and nothing during the year. £400 each in Xmas presents is excessive in anyone's book I can see where your db is coming from.

YANBU

Am I missing something, or is there a reason why they can't come a bit later on after your children have opened their presents?

Yanbu. It is not your fault your brother and his wife are in this dilemma. Their situation is of their making yet they insist you solve their problem by changing how you and your children do Christmas.

If you give in to this, they'll start blaming you for other things as well.

Your tradition of stockings in the morning and presents after Christmas lunch. You are excited to see your daughters open their presents. You've done nothing wrong, OP.

Hmmn, when put like that what I can understand a bit more on why you are not wanting to compromise. Re the villa, I feel that it's a separate issue, and maybe should be tackled when and if it happen again? You know, given that you have perfectly valid reasons for feeling how you feel I would explain these to your brother in a non confrontational way, as in, " look DB, your dd gets more in other ways, it wont do her any harm for just one day..." And see if he realises that his request was a bit unfair.
The only thing I would want to make sure of if I were you though, is that they have roughly equal from Father Christmas. It's hard to explain why x has one present and Y has equally nice presents but three of them from Santa when they've all being trying to be good. It's a lot easier to explain that well, AuntieWhat has got lots of presents for your cousins specially this xmas for this reason. Does that make sense?

OK fair enough if I have misunderstood and they don't feel deprived in general.

In that case I am getting even closer to the POV that your brother has materialistic power-driven hangups about the relative value of the children's presents, and that is his problem, needn't worry you and won't worry the children. He might like to look down on you as a single parent and you being really materially generous at xmas might burst that bubble of pity. Sod him.

I think I would have immediately responded with an incredulous "don't be ridiculous DB, it's Christmas day, that's when they get their presents".
And having not done that I'd say the same thing (but without the incredulousness).

He is being an utter plank.

Rubyflipper - that hadn't even occurred to me!! Genius! Problem solved . I will suggest that if he doesn't want DN to compare present quantities they simply come later. Ball is then in his court. Thank you!

Plus just realised I've been putting DP when I mean my parents!! No darling partner unfortunately ...now if Santa wants to send me one of those I'll be very happy!

I'd agree with Rubyflipper. It's your db's decision how much he spends on his dd and if he feels she will feel bad at the amount of presents your dcs receive, then he has the choice to arrive after the main present opening time for your family. His dd will then be the centre of attention while she opens her presents, which is a win win really.

I would also say, if she is going to get a second set of presents the following day then, if it was me, I would be explaining to her in advance that her gifts will arrive over two days and your dcs will be getting all theirs on Christmas day, so that she's fully prepared and knows what to expect.

It really doesn't have to be an issue, as long as your db pre-handles the situation carefully.