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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think ageism is rife on Mumsnet

99 replies

IPityThePontipines · 16/12/2015 23:21

Any thread featuring a woman over the age of forty will feature the following comments:

Old bat,

Poisonous old hag

Shrivelled old woman

Nasty old bat

and many others.

Old women are spoken about on here as if they were Gollum's uglier sister with a personality to match.

Considering that 95% of the posters on here will be old women someday soon, it seems utterly bizarre. Where does this loathing come from?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 17/12/2015 09:12

That's appalling reni2

howtorebuild · 17/12/2015 09:12

Why is it ok to describe a young face as peachy and not ok to describe an old face as prune like? They are descriptive words of fruit that suit skin types. Embrace you peach or prune face people, denied helps nobody.

ilovesooty · 17/12/2015 09:13

For goodness sake.

roundandroundthehouses · 17/12/2015 09:20

I don't think it's every thread featuring over-40s, but it certainly seems to be used a fair bit for women maybe 55+. With the demographic of MN it's more likely (with many exceptions) that those threads will be about someone who isn't the OP.

But it seems to be used mostly for someone who's already unpopular on the thread. If an OP comes on and says: 'I'm 55 - can I get away with this dress?', nobody will say: 'Of course, not, you stupid old bat!'. But someone else starts a thread about their awful MIL, or a woman in her 50s who tutted at the very presence of the OP's toddler - and then the 'nasty old bag' comments start. People are grabbing all the ammunition they can find, and unfortunately some people see a woman's age as ammunition. That's the part that's ageism.

The same thing happens with other things. I saw a video yesterday of two women caught on CCTV stealing candles from a shop. Lots of angry comments below, as there should have been. But lots of them were about the weight of one of the women, and the sexual habits of both of them. Neither of those things were relevant, but both are seen as an easy insults when they shouldn't be insults at all.

youcanbeanything · 17/12/2015 09:26

There is definitely derision towards those who become pregnant after the age of 35, or rather condescension, assuming we will be too exhausted to run after our toddlers, our knees will give way and we will then embarrass our children in the school playground with our wizened old faces.

Of course it's a load of bollocks so I treat it as such.

reni2 · 17/12/2015 09:30

And the poster did not apologize even after deletion and was posting all over mn bold as brass yesterday, ilovesooty.

The ageist comments by women trouble me, they are so self-hating. It feels like I was 25 only yesterday, not many many moons ago. So anybody young thinking of using old bag/ bat/ prune: that'll be you very very soon.

scarlets · 17/12/2015 09:35

I've seen casual ageism on here but I think it's directed at people of pension age, rather than the middle aged. I've seen no ageist attacks on people in their 40s and 50s. I'm not an avid reader though - I only open a limited number of threads, those with titles that interest me.

reni2 · 17/12/2015 09:45

I agree with the three reasons Laurie posted. Would like to add

Ageism is part of misogyny. Women are fine as long as they are young, sweet and easy on the eye.

When they are older, bolshier (see Laurie's point 1) and generally unattractive and shrivelled they need to be put in their place. So sexism, pure and simple.

motherinferior · 17/12/2015 09:58

Also the generalisations that Anyone Over 50 will therefore be more prone to racism/homophobia/sexism. Yeah, right. Because those of us who were students in the 1980s are so right-off.

SurferJet · 17/12/2015 10:10

There's nothing wrong in being over 50, of course there isn't, but there's something a bit embarrassing in being 55 ( for example ) & still dressing ( & acting ) like a 21 year old. I don't see that often in RL but Madonna is an example. Being famous is no excuse Madonna! Haha.
& yes, I still 'feel' 25 - but I'm not & I certainly don't look it

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/12/2015 10:12

Why is it ok to describe a young face as peachy and not ok to describe an old face as prune like?

You really have to ask or are you just being a goady twat?

I've never actually heard 'you young peachy faced man hater' thrown as an insult.

howtorebuild · 17/12/2015 10:16

Are you being one?

Personally I embrace my wrinkled forehead, my turkey neck, bingo arms etc, that is the reality of my looks. No different to being an Apple shape, pear shape, hourglass figure, tall, short and so forth, it's reality.

Roussette · 17/12/2015 10:17

I agree wth scarlets about the ageism directed at people of pension age far too much. there is other ageism too but I always call someone up on it. Because I can. Because I'm older than a fair few on here.

The thing is.. I think us slightly older ones have been there, done it, got the T shirt and can bring a lot of wisdom to a place like MN. However, I do agree about too many profesionally offended posters, there are many threads I would like to post on but daren't because I want to say it is just not important. OK OK I know it's important to you at the time but really.... in the grand scheme of things it's pretty irrelevant.

I do need to see the "bitter prune faced man haters" thread... let me at 'em!

Roussette · 17/12/2015 10:19

howtorebuild use your brains! In answer to your question, I would have thought it is obvious. It's great to look peachy faced. Not so much prune faced.

Which would you prefer?

One is an insult. One isn't.

gandalf456 · 17/12/2015 10:30

Was it the thread about the accidentally kicked chairThe comments didn't necessarily come across as ageist. I've encountered such a person before and I actually think it was ageism directed at me: incompetent young person who can't control her child. Often it's a person who is older and should know better really because she's probably been there and should know how hard it is sometimes to be out and about with a very young child who may not always behave perfectly even if you try really really hard and really want them to and do the right things. I vow never to be like that when mine flown the nest and I would save my sympathy 4 someone who deserves it

ouryve · 17/12/2015 10:33

So is over 40 old, then?

At 46, that makes me fucking ancient

MascaraAndConverse89 · 17/12/2015 10:51

It's ageist the other way as well though. under-5s seem to get a lot of stick.

EddieStobbart · 17/12/2015 11:07

I think women get it after a certain age while men do not because it's the point where we lose our fertility and society then implicitly or otherwise devalues our contribution.

gotthemoononastick · 17/12/2015 11:14

As someone who fits into the' ancient old crone' category,I can assure you that 'being offended' is very low on my agenda at this stage of my life.

In fact ,as I learnt on MN, I do not give a flying fig! and come on here to waste my time.Sands in the hourglass and all that!

WeThreeMythicalKings · 17/12/2015 11:15

I think boomers ate the most ageist, towards people older and younger then them. But oddly boomers are the first to cry agism if someone is agist towards them.

I have seen no evidence of this at all. Perhaps someone should post a link to a thread where this actually happened. The resentment displayed towards so-called boomers is horrible and unjustified.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 17/12/2015 11:23

I've seen the old hag type stuff and I've also seem patronising, condescending stuff said to younger posters. Sometimes I think it's relevant to know how old someone is just to get a general idea of what stage of life they are in but when it's being used against them it isn't fair.

ghostyslovesheep · 17/12/2015 11:36

yanbu OP - two thing are still accepted on MN

ageism

making fun of learning disabilities

pisses me right off

lorelei9 · 17/12/2015 12:03

this is really interesting
I joined MN about 6 months ago - shortly before turning 40

I had never really thought much about my age before joining MN. I can't say I have seen really horrible stuff spouted about women in this age bracket, though I'm sorry to say I have heard it about women who are around 60/70.

but there do seem to be a lot of references to women c40 as if they are somehow really old - usually because of a poster saying "I'm too old to like this music" or something silly like that. I can't put my finger on it but as I say, approaching 40 seemed like nothing before I joined MN and somehow I got the impression that a lot of 40 somethings see themselves as being very old. It's hard to pin down exactly what is said but there's a vibe.

ilovesooty · 17/12/2015 12:12

It's mostly older women who get the insults but I've seen them directed towards older men as well. I remember recently another poster and I challenged the comments and we're told what we could do. The comments were deleted but the person along with others tends to be rather vocal about how "you can't say anything on here any more and it's no fun".

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