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AIBU?

"I didn't know you were Jewish!!!"

163 replies

Kappin · 14/12/2015 11:23

This happened in the office this morning. My surname isn't 'Jewish' as my husband isn't. When discussing weekend events I happened to mention it was Hannukah, cue stunned disbelief from everyone in the nearby vicinity "I didn't know!", "you don't look Jewish!", "how are you Jewish" and even "ah so that's why you've got so much money at your age!". Has anyone else found this? It's resulted in that reaction a few times before in different situations but never before have I really questioned why.

OP posts:

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fidel1ne · 14/12/2015 12:27

I said yes because I didn't really have a choice. I got an email for the lady who said it 'if I'd known you were Jewish, I wouldn't have said it'. Like it was just inappropriately timed rather than wrong. Then I got an email from HR checking I was satisfied.

Wow

NinjaLeprechaun · 14/12/2015 12:27

"I sometimes get surprise that I don't drink alcohol as my family are irish! Someone was quite upset I didn't have red hair too."
I'm Irish and not Catholic. That even confuses a lot of some Irish people.

MaidOfStars · 14/12/2015 12:30

apart from the Buddhists, god love them

Yeah, I'm sure the Muslim minorities in Sri Lanka and Myanmar feel just that....

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/12/2015 12:37

looks like everyone wants to leap onto an anti-Semitism bandwagon reading recent comments

go for it, be my guest - but I don't think its necessary here

an alternative view is that people are curious about other cultures, and tactless, and flippant sometimes

how can we live in a diverse society with multiple religions and cultures where every comment is taken so fucking seriously (and negatively)? is religion some kind of hushed no go?

cornflowers · 14/12/2015 12:38

Op, totally agree the comments are terrible, but in my experience this works both ways.

One of my best friends at Uni was Jewish, and on quite a few occasions I tagged along to parties/events with her 'Jewish' crowd of friends.. I was often asked if I was Jewish, when I replied that I wasn't, I would either be told that I looked Jewish or even be asked what I was doing there. Worse, if the person asking was male, sometimes they would simply turn away and stop talking to me once they'd established I wasn't Jewish!

This happened many times.

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/12/2015 12:40

Of course religion isn't some kind of hushed no go. But if I were Jewish I'd take 'so that's why you've got so much money' very fucking seriously. That's got nothing to do with religion and everything to do with offensive stereotypes.

toffeeboffin · 14/12/2015 12:41

A (black) friend of mine used to rent out properties.

Someone called her up, asking asking a property. He insinuated that she was Jewish (she isn't) but she didn't deny it.

The guy then said to her 'I guess there aren't many blacks in your neighbourhood, as seen as you're Jewish?'.

Talk about jumping to conclusions!

SSargassoSea · 14/12/2015 12:41

Well, have only known 2 jewish people, despite having moved around a lot, but not lived in large cities, I'm in my late 60s, and one was a diamond dealer, v rich, the other non practicing but through family only ever employed Jewish people/ companies eg plumber, lawyer etc

I think it depends where you live whether meeting varied Jews is the norm or no.

And people often keep with their own, as I have through life. And the more you keep with your own the more there is likely to be daft ideas of how you live etc

CatKirk · 14/12/2015 12:43

Travelling lemon that is awful. Sounds like a lot of HR depts though.

LondonStill83 · 14/12/2015 12:43

I would report the money comment.

That is undisguised discrimination.

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 12:47

When I was 17 I got kicked out of my boyfriend's house by his grandmother 'in case I tried to cut anything off' shock. I didn't know how to handle it back then, so I just went home. My mum was furious.

Did she believe her grandson was Holofernes? (Only instance where a Jewish woman "cut anything off" a man, as far as I know. )

She should have put more effort in her grandson's upbringing if she was so worried about him having parts cut off. Not being Jewish didn't save John Bobbitt.

fidel1ne · 14/12/2015 12:50

Of course religion isn't some kind of hushed no go. But if I were Jewish I'd take 'so that's why you've got so much money' very fucking seriously. That's got nothing to do with religion and everything to do with offensive stereotypes.

This.

Do you really not understand stopfucking?

drspouse · 14/12/2015 12:50

I'd probably have blurted out 'oh, I didn't know. Happy Hannukah'.

I'd have been asking for recipes. I can never get my potato pancakes to stick together .

Mind you, I can't cook quite a few things that are from my mother's home country so that would be mildly stereotyped; I am used to stereotyped.

That not the word you are looking for, here, people. Racist is the word you are looking for.

Wigeon · 14/12/2015 12:51

Gosh, I'd be offended at that. I'm technically Jewish as my mother was (in a very non practising way) and don't look hugely Jewish, and appear very British. Although ironically my surname (which is Dh's very English family name) sounds quite exotic and Eastern European, so people do usually think my ancestors came from Eastern Europe - which they did, on my mother's side, but you wouldn't know that from my surname.

I had the opposite thing happen, where I found a new colleague was Jewish (or as he put it "Jew...ish" as he's non practising), and I had to stop myself saying "oh yes, I can see it now - big nose, curly black hair!" - me and the Jewish side of the family all do have rather prominent noses too...! .

swisscheesetony · 14/12/2015 12:51

Maid. Yes, I am Jewish through birth, as I am white, right handed etc etx - I am not religious.

hefzi · 14/12/2015 12:52

I often get the "oh, I thought you were Jewish" thing, by contrast - people assume (fair enough, I suppose) that because my work is tangentially connected with Israel, I must therefore be Jewish. However, I always pull people up for making comments like Lemon mentions - it's nothing to do with being Jewish, but rather about not condoning the casual use of anti-Semitic tropes: I'm horrified at that woman's response, though - and that HR thought it was acceptable!

I think "I didn't know you were Jewish" is fine, simply because someone's expressing surprise - but then, why would we know our colleague's religion, necessarily? I suppose, though, that this is notionally a Christian country, with some public holidays connected with Christianity, so the general default assumption is probably that most people, if you don't know their religion, are Christian. I'm not really a fan of people saying the someone doesn't look this religion or that, because that's assuming a stereotype (a friend of mine counters that one by saying, "Oh dear, have you been reading Der Stuhrmer again?") but I think people don't mean this to be offensive as such - but comments over money? Ugh!

LyndaNotLinda · 14/12/2015 12:56

I expect you've known a lot more Jewish people SSargasso. You just haven't known it.

Of course, the money comment is anti-Semitic. It couldn't be interpreted any other way.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Kappin.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/12/2015 12:57

fidel1ne, you seem to be determined to be very angry and offended

I agreed earlier that comment was nasty- OP could well report them to HR

OR (depending on the individual in question and her relationship) take them aside and tell them that what they said was very offensive, and they should think before they speak outdated, racist little anti Semitic comments like that again

what would educate them more? a big ruckus from HR or a quiet word from OP? only she knows

anyway this is a really fucking sensitive topic and I think its best I retreat rather than have internet arguments frankly

HormonalHeap · 14/12/2015 13:00

Jews usually stand out to other Jews like a flashing Star of David, I would never expect anyone non Jewish to know I was Jewish though. The money comment's more than a bit questionable though and although I wouldn't take offence, plenty would.

MissTriggs · 14/12/2015 13:00

Dh has had: "wow, a clean Jew!"

But that was in the backwoods of Eastern Europe just after the Berlin Wall came down, not the UK in 2015!

sefoolie · 14/12/2015 13:03

I'm Irish and church of Ireland but I do have red hair. So I've confused a lot of people in the UK and in Ireland.

I like comments which are basically 'tell me more about you'' but in the case of the OP, the money comment takes the effing biscuit.

SSargassoSea · 14/12/2015 13:05

I expect you've known a lot more Jewish people SSargasso. You just haven't known it

But if the norm is to not say anything that might give away your religion, whatever it is, then when v occasionally someone does they shouldn't be too surprised at this type of response.

Does this happen everytime the OP mentions her religion or does she never normally mention it - thus proving my point above.

I would be surprised if someone said they were Buddhist/ Wee Free/ any group out of the mainstream media. And would probably say something though hopefully nothing that can offend.

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Scaredycat3000 · 14/12/2015 13:08

Stopfucking You are being hugely offensive, nobody needs to try to be offended.
It is not up to the victim of racist remarks to educate the racist on how not to say racist comments. It is up to HR to discipline the racist.

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/12/2015 13:08

I was just thinking about the Wee Frees last night! There are a few Wee Free churches where I live and I see them heading in for their church service at about 6 on a Sunday evening.

I used to have to go to Mass every Sunday but the idea having to go on a Sunday evening is so much worse!

LyndaNotLinda · 14/12/2015 13:12

I don't assume anything about anyone's religion. I don't know why you would frankly. It's bloody rude and a bit ignorant to assume that everyone is CoE unless they alert you otherwise. And as for the reactions, as others have said, 'I didn't know' is fine. 'You don't look Jewish' isn't fine and 'so that's why you've got so much money' is racist.

What do you propose the OP does to make it known that she's Jewish? Introduce herself as such? Wear a yellow star?

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