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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel that my neighbour's comments re. my son's future sex life were a little crass

79 replies

sotiredofthis1 · 14/12/2015 10:08

One of my good friends lives in the street opposite ours and we have known each other for about 13 years now. She was over the other evening and as she was leaving the conversation for some reason turned to the fact that my ds (just turned 14 in November) has the smallest room in the house (he was the first of our 3 dc to get his own bedroom and got the smallest room). I said I had offered him the attic (where dh and I sleep) but that he had said no. My neighbour and dh joked about how he would need the attic when he starts bringing girls home.

I should have left it at that but I said that I didn't think that was going to happen for a while. Though he is very tall and very mature in lots of ways, he really is still a child - if a gangly and tall one. He spends quite a lot of his time at home annoying his younger sisters and has all the body language and posture of a child. Basically at 14 I think he is a child still.

My neighbour then starts contesting this so I asked her and dh when they had their first girlfriend/boyfriend. Dh of course did not answer as he is very secretive and always has been but my neighbour admitted she was a lot older than 14. She then said that my son might get an older girlfriend (to "teach" him the implication was) - I was like that would be illegal and any possibly predatory older girlfriend would have me to deal with. She then said that he might "pay for it" and that her husband's first sexual experience had been with a prostitute when he was a little over 14 .

Apart from the fact that I really did not need that info about her husband, and will never be able to unhear it, aibu to think that she should not have been saying that my son's first sexual experience might be with a prostitute , let alone the fact that prostitution is basically the exploitation of women/girls who have often been coerced into doing what they are doing ?

I recognise that I may be naive and he may well sooner than I think get a "girlfriend" but would you at that age jump straight into sex, would there not be a progression - friendship, kissing etc?

In any case, aibu to think that my friend should really not have said that my son might pay someone for sex???

Can't stop thinking about what she said and wondering whether I really want to see her at all at the moment. She does have form for being tactless, when my Mum died 9 years ago following 5 years of chemotherapy she said it was "interesting" because her super healthy friend had either lived for much longer with cancer or had not died - can't remember. Implication being that my Mum had not eaten healthily enough to survive any longer than she did .

And breathe....

OP posts:

SettlinginNicely · 14/12/2015 11:59

It was pretty crass. Adolescents should develop sex lives at their own pace with out being urged on by a callus, pervy culture urging them on. I think it is sad that 16 is now the average age for full, penetrative sex. I personally think a lot of 16 year olds don't have the emotional maturity for it to be a positive experience. It makes the days of kissing, cuddling, and the possible stray hand seem quaint.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 14/12/2015 12:02

Good friend or not. She's fucking warped. WTF talks about a childs future sex life. I think she needs to get herself looked at.

Fratelli · 14/12/2015 12:06

Ugh really pervy. If she were a man saying it about a girl I'm pretty sure everyone would find it unreasonable.

Janeymoo50 · 14/12/2015 12:07

I think she went too far, it crossed a line and I am sure I also would have been uncomfortable too. Had she perhaps had a glass of wine to many and just got a bit mouthy?? It should have stopped after the first comment and response, no need to go down the road of first experiences with prostitutes.

KurriKurri · 14/12/2015 12:14

She sounds very odd and rude. She should not be talking about your son in a sexual manner at all - that's completely inappropriate.

He told me years later that once he'd been alone with her in his friends house and she'd made a pass at him - when he was 14 - revolting woman.

MrsJayy · 14/12/2015 12:36

She sounds like a letch what it was a man talking about your dd really inappropriate imo

MrsJayy · 14/12/2015 12:37

Urgh Kurri thats repulsive

IGotAPea · 14/12/2015 12:58

Dh and his girlfriend at the time, were both 14. They had been together for about a year before hand, had a baby at 18 and though he was with her until early 20s he regrets having being in a serious relationship at 13 and having sex so young. ( she feels the same too) They didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with what relationships and parent hood brings, and didn't realise they probably should have walked away from each other earlier than they did, lots of pressure on them to be a family from their parents etc, and thought they were old enough to be together, have a home, because they'd been so young when they got together, their relationship was monitored a lot by parents, so when they said "you can't split up, you have to slog it out for your ds, you're parents now etc" they respected their authority and did what they were told. He doesn't regret being with her at all, and they did have happy times, he just wishes that they were both a little older and had did some growing up first, because maybe they wouldn't have carried on so long when it was clear it wasn't working.

I myself was 15 when I got my first serious boyfriend but waited until 16 tdtd because I was scared about him going to jail (he was 17). My mum tried to talk to me about sex during that time but I was mortified and played our relationship down a lot. She prob knew I was planning on having sex but no way would she make or laugh at jokes about giving me a bigger room to do it in!

BitOutOfPractice · 14/12/2015 13:03

Yes she was, as you say, a little crass. That's it. It's over. Move on.

CassieBearRawr · 14/12/2015 13:08

Bless you thinking he'll be 17 before he gets into girls

AskingForAPal · 14/12/2015 15:20

"I guess it was the explicit talk of sex as well that unnerved me because it bypassed all the other more "innocent" stages people go through - isn't having girlfriends/boyfriends hopefully also about getting on well with someone - communicating well with them etc... Basically about learning about relationships?"

Some teenagers get into having sex straightaway (even outside relationships) and others wait until they're in a long relationship, of course, just like adults. But I don't think there's anything "innocent" about teenage relationships, because the whole reason it's a relationship and not a friendship is because they fancy each other! Sorry, but if you have a relationship and DON'T find that person sexually attractive (whether you act on that with a kiss on the cheek or full sex) that would be the sad thing.

What worries me is why this has worried YOU so much. He's your son, he sounds like a sweetie, I'm sure he'll do things at his own pace. You're his mum and a huge huge influence on his life and thinking, don't worry about the influence or insinuations of this neighbour. She and her own family setup and values are nothing to do with it.

kali110 · 14/12/2015 15:43

I agree with other posters, sounds like a joke gone wrong.
You didn't find it funny, fine move on.
Not really worth ending what you said is a goid friendship.

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 16:06

Yeah, but the subjects of 'food' and 'sex' are not exactly similar.

They are similar in that both, as topic of conversation, can lead to you hearing things you don't like.

If you talk about sex, you expect to learn things like the fact that your friend reads smutty fanfic about Kirk and Spock.

If you talk about food, you expect that the worst you will have to deal is your friend revealing her preference for broccoli, or an other vegetable hated by many.

You cannot reasonably expect people to always consider the possibility of a horrible answer when asking questions.

I mean, if a friend of mine proudly announced that she loves to eat the livers of force-fed geese, I would be disappointed, and I would not appreciate to be told that I shouldn't have brought up the topic of food if I didn't like the answer.

To almost every question one can ask there can be an answer one would not like.

"Don't talk about it if you don't want to know" may work if you are a stereotypically British person and only ever talk about the weather, but for everyone else, it would be very impractical.

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 16:18

My son aged 14 (again grown up looking for his age) was in a school play where he played a sort of charming but evil character, and afterwards one of his friends Mum came up to me and said ' your lad - phoar- he's so sexy, he's really hot' I just stared at her and said 'he's a child'.
He told me years later that once he'd been alone with her in his friends house and she'd made a pass at him - when he was 14 - revolting woman.

That's a perfect example for why I am suspicious of people who talk in an inappropriate way.
It is almost never "just a joke" if it makes you feel uncomfortable. (If it is really just a joke you usually notice that)

I hope your son is okay.

@Testicle: That's also a possible explanation - that she wanted to talk about it because it upsets her. Still ... a very inappropriate context to mention it in.

KurriKurri · 14/12/2015 17:21

He is fine VestalVirgin - he is grown up now, and didn't tell me at the time, because he found the whole thing embarrassing. He told me his method of dealing with it was to make sure he never went round their house again.

I think people would be more upset about OP's experience if it was a middle aged man making inappropriate comments about a 14yr old girl. But to me it is just the same. My son looked grown up for his age - six footer, shaving etc. by that time, but he was child all the same and in fact a little on the immature side emotionally. But no 14yr old should have to worry about weird adults trying to act inapropriately with them, whatever their level of development.
I was pleased in retrospect that he managed to keep himself safe but wish he had told me at the time.

Bubbletree4 · 14/12/2015 17:26

You should have laughed off the first comment and cut off this line of conversation rather than deepening the hole for everyone. You asked about when your friend and dh got a gf/bf. Then you were not pleased with the reply. You shouldn't have gone there!

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 17:38

I was pleased in retrospect that he managed to keep himself safe but wish he had told me at the time.

He hopefully would have if the solution hadn't been so simple.

It is sort of a shock to know that he didn't tell you at the time, isn't it? Children are so easily manipulated into not telling anyone, she didn't even have to say anything. (Though maybe she wouldn't have a problem with him telling you, anyway, as she didn't seem anything wrong with her comments. )

MrsJayy · 14/12/2015 17:42

I agree Kurri if it was a man/girl situation nobody would tell the op to laugh it off

KurriKurri · 14/12/2015 17:53

I think there's a bit of peer pressure on teenage boys to be 'manly' and I think the fact that it was a woman made him a bit awkward - in the sense of a lad 'shouldn't feel threatened' by a woman type of thinking. (Obviously I don't agree with this - teenagers are very vulnerable - boys and girls, and when it is a friend's parent it is all very difficult)

But yes I do feel sad that he didn't come to me - maybe scared I'd go in all guns blazing and embarrass him - who knows?

He said if it had been a man he would have had no hesitation telling me about it.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 14/12/2015 18:06

Kurri I always felt too embarrassed to tell my mum things like that. Not because I was worried of her reaction more because I didn't want to discuss anything sex or relationship related with my mum because it was to awkward! Also I didn't want to seem like I was making a big deal out of something minor. Although in hindsight I can see that grown men kerb-crawling me (if that's the term) or following me by foot, were not really minor! I suppose it's similar, but mine came from thinking it was normal (and ok) for men to treat girls and women like that, your son feeling as a male he should not be threatened by a woman.

On that note I hate the narrative that teenage boys would feel lucky to sleep with a grown women, and also the narrative that teenage girls who sleep with grown men are sluts.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 14/12/2015 18:07

Argh sorry for more typos again! I am very tired today and posting without reading through.

fidel1ne · 14/12/2015 18:15

I agree Kurri if it was a man/girl situation nobody would tell the op to laugh it off

What is the alternative? There's no crime to report. The adult wasn't proposing doing anything to the child. They were being vulgar and off-colour but they have form for off-colour comments (I'd have quietly shaken her off after the cancer/diet episode, I think).

The puzzle is that OP is taking it on board at all or giving the content of the remarks any consideration. They are just weird moderately offensive utterances from someone who said moderately offensive things in the past. Laugh it off, maybe ditch the 'friend', move on.

MrsJayy · 15/12/2015 07:59

I still think if it was the op husbands male friend talking about a daughter and how she will soon be ready for sex have boys in her room then some of the responses on this thread would be different.

AuntieStella · 15/12/2015 08:11

I don't think she's being warped. I think it's utterly obvious that teens decelop an interest in sex, and that there are differences in teens between 14 and 16.

And as OP says, if she had just treated the first comment as the inconsequential remark that it was, it would have ended there. I don't know why OP chose to make a conversation of it, but seeing as she did, I think it's a bit off to criticise the neighbour for following her lead.

Catsize · 15/12/2015 08:12

There's open-minded and liberal, and there is creepy weird. She is the latter.

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