Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to feel that my neighbour's comments re. my son's future sex life were a little crass

79 replies

sotiredofthis1 · 14/12/2015 10:08

One of my good friends lives in the street opposite ours and we have known each other for about 13 years now. She was over the other evening and as she was leaving the conversation for some reason turned to the fact that my ds (just turned 14 in November) has the smallest room in the house (he was the first of our 3 dc to get his own bedroom and got the smallest room). I said I had offered him the attic (where dh and I sleep) but that he had said no. My neighbour and dh joked about how he would need the attic when he starts bringing girls home.

I should have left it at that but I said that I didn't think that was going to happen for a while. Though he is very tall and very mature in lots of ways, he really is still a child - if a gangly and tall one. He spends quite a lot of his time at home annoying his younger sisters and has all the body language and posture of a child. Basically at 14 I think he is a child still.

My neighbour then starts contesting this so I asked her and dh when they had their first girlfriend/boyfriend. Dh of course did not answer as he is very secretive and always has been but my neighbour admitted she was a lot older than 14. She then said that my son might get an older girlfriend (to "teach" him the implication was) - I was like that would be illegal and any possibly predatory older girlfriend would have me to deal with. She then said that he might "pay for it" and that her husband's first sexual experience had been with a prostitute when he was a little over 14 .

Apart from the fact that I really did not need that info about her husband, and will never be able to unhear it, aibu to think that she should not have been saying that my son's first sexual experience might be with a prostitute , let alone the fact that prostitution is basically the exploitation of women/girls who have often been coerced into doing what they are doing ?

I recognise that I may be naive and he may well sooner than I think get a "girlfriend" but would you at that age jump straight into sex, would there not be a progression - friendship, kissing etc?

In any case, aibu to think that my friend should really not have said that my son might pay someone for sex???

Can't stop thinking about what she said and wondering whether I really want to see her at all at the moment. She does have form for being tactless, when my Mum died 9 years ago following 5 years of chemotherapy she said it was "interesting" because her super healthy friend had either lived for much longer with cancer or had not died - can't remember. Implication being that my Mum had not eaten healthily enough to survive any longer than she did .

And breathe....

OP posts:

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 14/12/2015 10:49

No one said he was going to use a prostitute today; maybe he'll be your 22 year old when he uses a prostitute.

Yeah but he's 14 now. Why would she even say something like that. So, so strange.

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 10:50

In any case, aibu to think that my friend should really not have said that my son might pay someone for sex???

YANBU.
Her views on sex are disturbing. Paying a woman to use her for masturbation (which is what I think prostitution is, essentially) is one of the most harmful experiences a boy can make. Sets him up for a lifetime of entitled attitude towards girls and women.

It is just rude to tell someone all the undesirable things their children might do. I mean, you wouldn't say to her: "Hey, maybe your son will have a criminal record at age 21".
Sure, such things happen, but one doesn't bring it up in polite conversation, especially when there's no indication at all that the child might be prone to such things.

I would have told you to not be naive and have a talk with your son about his responsibility for contraception, etc. in time, as many children become sexually active immediately during/after puberty, and you can never know what sort your child is.
He might be one who only becomes interested in relationships when he's over twenty, but you never know that in advance.

Original poster

sotiredofthis1 · 14/12/2015 10:51

maybe he'll be your 22 year old when he uses a prostitute

is there anyone who would be ok with their son or daughter using a prostitute at any age ? Genuine question.

Also she did say that her husband went to a prostitute when he was not much older than 14 so she was definitely linking that to my ds's age.

I think she did dig herself into a hole but I might also have to blank her for a bit just to recover.

Re. having conversations, the issue of prostitution would be really difficult to talk about with your children IMO. Help!

OP posts:

elf0508 · 14/12/2015 10:52

That post sent before I had typed it all. I don't know why you're holding onto her comments? You might think of your son as a baby but others don't.. I don't see the issue. She was probably trying to be funny and it didn't work..

Boomingmarvellous · 14/12/2015 10:56

Ignore this awful woman from now on, she sounds horrendous.

It would make me feel physically sick if someone commented on my child's sexuality

Spilose · 14/12/2015 10:56

Meh, she told a joke, you didn't find it funny and she kind of dug herself a grave. She's probably at home mortified right now.

Original poster

sotiredofthis1 · 14/12/2015 10:57

Of course he isn't a baby, but having just turned 14 I do think he is still a child, yes. It's not like he doesn't have time to grow up, meet people etc... Some of that might happen fairly soon.

I guess it was the explicit talk of sex as well that unnerved me because it bypassed all the other more "innocent" stages people go through - isn't having girlfriends/boyfriends hopefully also about getting on well with someone - communicating well with them etc... Basically about learning about relationships?

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/12/2015 10:58

Takes all sorts OP quite a jump from a "How he's growing up" type conversation to speculating about how he's going to gain sexual experience. If she has three DSs of her own I suppose she might be very conscious of their development so jumped to the conclusion you too may wonder.

Presumably it was someone older in her DH's life who arranged that transaction for him but I don't suppose it's information he'd necessarily want passed around as tittle tattle.

The idle speculation comparing your DM with her friend to my mind shows while not malicious she probably yakks on without engaging her brain first.

selsigfach !

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 10:59

is there anyone who would be ok with their son or daughter using a prostitute at any age ? Genuine question.

Well, there obviously is your friend, who thinks that's okay. Don't know if she has children, but if she has, then she definitely thinks that way.

I, however, would feel sorely disappointed and like a failure as parent if a child of mine displayed such behaviour.
(And I would feel like I have failed at feminism if using prostitutes was still legal in my country 20 years from now, so there is that.)

shazzarooney99 · 14/12/2015 11:00

I just think if you dont want to talk about stuff like that then dont probe other peoples about what they done if your not going to like the answers.

Hatethis22 · 14/12/2015 11:01

When I was a teenager is seemed more about being permanently connected to each other's faces!

How are you going to handle this with her? I'd pretend the whole conversation never happened and never mention it again but it would definitely change the way I felt about her.

grundrisse · 14/12/2015 11:04

sotired - it's easy to be wise when you're not in that moment! Much harder to think what to say when you're surprised by something. You sound like you're sandwiched between two very, very different cultures of openness. Your friend, who is utterly open to the point of coarse tactlessness (not good) and your DH, who is completely closed to the point that he won't answer what are fairly natural, normal questions from a partner (also not good).

I'm not surprised this has been a really confusing experience, because it sounds like it's about more than just a friend who's a bit of a gobshite. It must be very difficult to know how open to be about sex with any child, doubly so when that communication is an issue between you and your partner.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 14/12/2015 11:05

You invited the continuation of the conversation by essentially asking/challenging her and your DH about when they became sexually active.

But yeah, the rest of the conversation was inappropriate, not funny, and tied in with the comment about your mum, she sounds like someone with limited social etiquette.

VestalVirgin · 14/12/2015 11:06

I just think if you dont want to talk about stuff like that then dont probe other peoples about what they done if your not going to like the answers.

So, she should limit herself to talking about the weather, even with good friends?

According to your logic, conversation about anything but the weather (and maybe even the weather) would be impossible.

Normally, people just assume that the answer to "What's your favourite food" is not going to be "The still warm hearts of unbaptized children", or something like it.

And there is nothing wrong with that assumption.

Original poster

sotiredofthis1 · 14/12/2015 11:12

grundrisse everything you have said in your second post is spot on - re communicating with my children about things that my husband and I are not able to talk about (well I would but he doesn't). Thanks for your message and flowers.

Thanks everyone else as well.

I think I will just get on with my life for a bit because I do go through days/weeks without seeing her in any case, and forget what she said even though I do think it betrays a kind of weird way of seeing things. I do think she opens her mouth without thinking sometimes....

OP posts:

SarahSavesTheDay · 14/12/2015 11:15

Ugh. She sounds terribly crass.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 14/12/2015 11:31

Yanbu op. She sounds strange and as though she has quite a disturbed view on what constitutes as acceptable. I find it strange and a bit upsetting that her husband's first experience of sex was with a prostitute. Maybe she was trying to normalise that by talking about it as if it's no big deal, or maybe she was looking to see your reaction. Perhaps she only just discovered about her dh.

I'm dislike any talk that sexualizes children though. I cannot bare when people talk about babies "flirting" or "making eyes at so and so". It turns my stomach tbh. I know children will discover sex eventually but that should be up to them, it's the inappropriate comments from adults that male me cringe.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 14/12/2015 11:34

Make* not male sorry!

TesticleOfObjectivity · 14/12/2015 11:35

And bear not bare.
Sorry in advance for any other typos!

fidel1ne · 14/12/2015 11:42

Someone said something to me along those lines about DS1 once (Fairly light-hearted, not an offer to procure or anything). I just laughed it off. I know my DC and I know what they're like and would no more take a comment about prostitutes seriously than a remark about being an astronaut or even extreme sports or anything else that just isn't 'them'.

Similar comments get made sometimes when you have teens about the possibility that they will be smoking/drinking/clubbing/getting stoned. I've always taken them as jocular and overstated for comic effect.

Are you reacting this strongly because the comment has touched a nerve or a fear you have?

Viviennemary · 14/12/2015 11:44

That was simply too much information. Your neighbour is certainly not the type of person I'd want very much to do with so I don't blame you for thinking she was very far out of order. I agree the first comment was quite harmless but the rest was offensive.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/12/2015 11:50

Well isn't she the gift that keeps on giving

for you.

WMittens · 14/12/2015 11:50

Normally, people just assume that the answer to "What's your favourite food" is not going to be "The still warm hearts of unbaptized children", or something like it.

Yeah, but the subjects of 'food' and 'sex' are not exactly similar.

Until you reach sploshing of course.

CastaDiva · 14/12/2015 11:53

I'm with your husband. It's not being 'secretive' to want not to discuss the details of your sexual past with someone who sounds at best indiscreet and tactless, with zero personal boundaries, and at worst heavily invested in minimising the brutality/coercion/addiction often associated with prostitution.

And I would be very surprised if her husband aged fourteen simply got himself to a prostitute - someone (a male family member?) gave him the appalling idea that this is something that you do. Obviously, she isn't responsible for her husband's past, but I would not want to be friends with someone who thought it was OK for men to 'induct' fourteen-year-old boys, who are often still vulnerable, even if they are also becoming sexual, into sexual adulthood via paid for sex with a woman who may have been trafficked.

I would not want that around my child.

BillBrysonsBeard · 14/12/2015 11:58

Just cringeworthy and weird.. She has mouthshite disease. I am usually someone who laughs at anything and like very dark humour, but that is just inappropriate. No-one wants to hear that about their 14 year old son! Also the comments about your mum were very inappropriate too. Is she regularly like this OP or were these two random occurences?

Flip

1 2 3 4