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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to go to a funeral while pg?

99 replies

DimlowChips · 13/12/2015 11:24

A dear friend of mine passed away a few weeks ago, and the funeral is in the next few days. My grandmother has found out about this and has, not had a go at me exactly, but put her feelings across very strongly that I shouldn't be going. She says that it is irresponsible of a pregnant woman to go to a funeral.

I'm 38 weeks, and have not had any complications in my pregnancy. The crematorium is the otherwise of the main road to the hospital I plan to give birth in so I'm taking notes and bags, just in case!

Is there something I'm missing here? Should I really not be going because of the stress? I'm going to be upset wether I'm there or at home as I know it's going on. Now I'm feeling confused as she clearly believes this is the right advice and intends no malice

OP posts:

2ndSopranosRule · 13/12/2015 16:58

Sorry for your loss op.

I went to a funeral at about 18 weeks. It was dh's grandmother and I was expecting what would have been her first great-grandchild. The minister even mentioned the fact this was the case.

TurquoiseDress · 13/12/2015 17:11

If it's a close friend and you want to go to the funeral, I don't see why not just because you are in the late stages of pregnancy

OpiesOldLady · 13/12/2015 17:15

I'm so sorry for your loss. Go.

I'm in Wales too, and my DH's brother and his wife were scandalised at the thought of me attending my sons funeral in 2004! (That certainly didn't stop me, I'd have crawled there if needbe!). My SIL didn't come - she stayed at home and put food out. It was certainly a generational thing, and often still talked about now.

MummyMonkeySnot · 13/12/2015 17:21

My nan passed away when I was 31/32 weeks pregnant. No one was stopping me from going to her funeral. DS was born at 37 weeks so wasn't long after, just makes me sad that she never met him :(. If you want to go then go.
for your loss and lots of

ChoccyJules · 13/12/2015 17:24

OP, I'm happy you know what you want to do and send my condolences on losing your friend.

I went to my great-aunt's funeral when I was about 38 wks pregnant. As the funeral cars pulled up outside the church, my second cousin (the deceased's daughter) wound the window down and called out 'you'll not be having that baby anytime soon,Choccy, still carrying far too high!'...which lightened the mood somewhat

I was also secretly emotional all day as I knew we were naming baby after my great-aunt's sister, who died in childhood but about whom I have heard so much, which I knew she would love. I wished she'd known our plan.

VenusRising · 13/12/2015 17:24

I went to a funeral of an Aunty when I was 7 months pregnant.
My mother didn't want me to go, and almost slapped my hand away when I went to touch the body- she wouldn't let me put my hand on her. My cousins were visibly reeling back when I went into see her body- I'm sure they had taboos running through their minds, that I shouldn't be there.

I wanted to say goodbye, but didn't make a thing of it. I spent the time looking at her hair in the coffin.

Funnily enough that baby inherited her magnificent head of hair.

It must have been so very difficult for all those people in Liberia etc when the Ebola virus was so rampant. To have the unwashed bodies of loved ones bagged up by Haz Mat dressed health workers to be shipped off and burned must have been so, so traumatic.

Bambambini · 13/12/2015 17:34

I don't know if heavily pregnant women were supposed to be visible years ago. I think my mum told me that when she was young and pregnant in the early 60's, you didn't really talk about being pregnant with men, especially older male family. Sure she told me that she used to put on a coat when folk came to visit to try and hide her bump and pretend it wasn't there.

God, I was at the pub buying drinks at the bar on my due date!

Justaboy · 13/12/2015 17:35

VenusRising Yes!, that did occur to me back then just how tragic it was there were a few children being buried there parents were advised not to go anywhere near therm. So sad as you say:(

Swimbikerun · 13/12/2015 17:36

Have never heard of this as a thing. I very sadly went to (and organised) my mum's funeral when I was 20 weeks pregnant. It was an awful day, but so important.

Can you take someone with you? Or at least can someone drive you and bring you home?

Justaboy · 13/12/2015 17:38

Bambambini My!, how times change last funeral i went to there was a preg woman there are well as a lot of young children they might not quite have understood all that was going on, but i can't think for a moment it did them any harm at all.

Brioche201 · 13/12/2015 17:45

summernight1986 what on earth are you talking about? When did women not go to funerals in the UK?

WaxyBean · 13/12/2015 17:55

Of course you should go if you want to and feel up to it. I went to my aunts funeral the day before my waters broke with DS2. Wasn't up to the wake though.

So sorry for your loss.

CassieBearRawr · 13/12/2015 18:39

Superstitious nonsense. Ignore and make the decision that is best for you. Wild horses wouldn't keep me from the funeral of someone I loved.

Bambambini · 13/12/2015 18:46

brioche -

i know you like to be shouty and abrasive but several have meantioned that it was "a thing" in certain areas and communities. Google will confirm this.

NotAWhaleOmeletteInSight · 13/12/2015 18:50

I went to my Grandma's funeral when I was 35 weeks pregnant. The canon made sure that I had a comfy seat and assured me that she had some obstetrics training if needed. It was fine! I wouldn't have missed it (unless I'd been in labour). Sorry for your loss OP.

ohtheholidays · 13/12/2015 22:26

I went to a funeral when I was heavily pregnant with our 5DC and I had been really ill in the earlier stages of the pregnancy.

Our friends had lost they're second child whilst she was heavily pregnant.
It was bloody hard being there but they really needed our help and really wanted us there for the support.I bought,cooked and made all of the food and drinks for the wake at they're home afterwards just to try and take some of the pressure of them and they're close family.

It was one of the saddest days I've ever been a part of but my DH and myself are both really glad that we were there for them,our friends told us it really helped.When it was just to emotional for our friends I was able to sit and talk and comfort my friends Mum and her sister and my husband took care of her husband and her Dad.

I'm really sorry for your loss OP,I think if it was me I'd worry that I'd regret not going,I think it is really important to get to say goodbye properly if you can and I think it's lovely to hear people talk about the person that you cared about with such love and kindness.

With your Nan,I should imagine it would have been very different when she was growing up to how it is now.I know in my Mum's day a women was made to take bed rest for a week after having they're baby.She's most probably just worrying about you and feeling a bit overprotective.

Cabbagesandcustard · 13/12/2015 22:43

I remember my Jewish SIL being astonished to see me at a family funeral about 35 weeks pregnant. I had no idea what she was on about (something about consecrated ground??) but put it down to her religion (I have none). Only time I have ever heard it.

Theworldmakesnosense · 13/12/2015 22:45

I know a lady who had to identify a body for the police while heavily pregnant. Her pregnancy wasn't even mentioned apart from 'are you okay' afterwards

WallToWallBastards · 14/12/2015 07:40

My mum went to my great gran's funeral days before her due date and I kicked all the way through I'm sure the inappropriate giggles cheered people up

IJustLostTheGame · 14/12/2015 07:55

It's because technically you're supposed to be in confinement and doing your laying in.
And even after the baby is born you would be unclean and couldn't go to a funeral until you were churched.

Oh wait, tudor times were over 500 years ago.

It's because women can become hysterical at funerals the silly delicate creatures. Hysteria stems from an overactive uterus. Chronic hysteria sufferers must have a hysterectomy.
If you are pregnant at a funeral you risk hurting your baby.

Oh wait, it isn't victorian England anymore.

Dunno then.

I'm sorry about your friend.

GreatFuckability · 14/12/2015 08:11

My mum isn't old (early 60s) but she doesn't think women should be at funerals, its very much the norm here with people her age.

2rebecca · 14/12/2015 08:15

Have never heard this superstition before. Mad.
Is there a sane logical reason you shouldn't go? If not go.

LindyHemming · 14/12/2015 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andrewofgg · 14/12/2015 08:52

Just go. Don't get arsey with grandmother, that's what she was taught as a child, but go.

Sorry for your loss and congratulations on the imminent arrival.

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