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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go to a funeral while pg?

99 replies

DimlowChips · 13/12/2015 11:24

A dear friend of mine passed away a few weeks ago, and the funeral is in the next few days. My grandmother has found out about this and has, not had a go at me exactly, but put her feelings across very strongly that I shouldn't be going. She says that it is irresponsible of a pregnant woman to go to a funeral.

I'm 38 weeks, and have not had any complications in my pregnancy. The crematorium is the otherwise of the main road to the hospital I plan to give birth in so I'm taking notes and bags, just in case!

Is there something I'm missing here? Should I really not be going because of the stress? I'm going to be upset wether I'm there or at home as I know it's going on. Now I'm feeling confused as she clearly believes this is the right advice and intends no malice Confused

OP posts:
EBearhug · 13/12/2015 12:45

Women didn't go to the graveside in Wales traditionally, although they'd been to the funeral service, and even attending the service was unusual in the early / mid 20th century.

And into my lifetime - I was born 1970s, and Dad went to some men-only funerals (hill-farming area). I think it only really changed from the '80s.

Funerals are an important marker - if I were the OP, I'd go as long as I hadn't actually gone into labour. Other people will get over it.

DulliDulli · 13/12/2015 12:50

I went to a relatives funeral in the late 1990's, South Wales.

No women attended the service or burial. They stayed in the family home preparing the food and drinks.

Considered a very normal practice.

VenusRising · 13/12/2015 12:57

Its actually an Ancient Greek tradition that women didn't go to funerals.
That men tended to death and women tended to life. There were very strong taboos and ideas of pollution (miasma).

Women in Ancient Greece had to wear grey togas if they were bereaved and that's where we get bereavement (black) attire from.
That's why we have such surprise at men midwives, if you think about it.

I think if you're up to it, go.
It is an old tradition in Scotland and Ireland that women don't go to the grave, but just stay in the house at the wake.

Women traditionally didn't leave the house in Ancient Greece, or vote either.

Those ancient Greeks have a lot to answer for! Interesting to know where our traditions actually come from though.

Sorry for your loss, op, and hope all goes well with your baby.

VenusRising · 13/12/2015 12:59

And Wales too I see!

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 13/12/2015 13:00

I went to my grandfathers funeral in the 80's in west wales
I was five and men and women attended and went to the graveside

Archfarchnad · 13/12/2015 13:07

"And into my lifetime - I was born 1970s, and Dad went to some men-only funerals (hill-farming area). I think it only really changed from the '80s."

Yup, I was born in 1970 and I remember my parents travelling to West Wales for a family funeral in the mid 1980s, and my mother came back fuming because none of the women had been allowed to go to the Baptist chapel for the service or the actual burial afterwards. I think their main role was to prepare the food for the wake. So it's very definitely a tradition in living memory in some parts of the UK. I can imagine they'd be the kind of people who even now would claim that pregnant women shouldn't go to a funeral, and other such crap.

Jux · 13/12/2015 13:08

Circle of life.

Pg and babies reminds people that there is life, new life, as well as death. It gives hope and a smidgin of a reminder that there is still joy.

Personally, I think at least one pg woman and one baby should be present at every funeral, and any number of children.

Archfarchnad · 13/12/2015 13:10

"I went to a relatives funeral in the late 1990's, South Wales." Blimey, Dulli, didn't realise it was still going strong that late. Was it Baptist or Methodist? Can't imagine Church in Wales going for that kind of thing.

DulliDulli · 13/12/2015 13:17

I've no idea, as I was stuck in the house and only a bored teenager. It was deep in the valleys.

Justaboy · 13/12/2015 13:28

Couldn't have put it better then what Dux did above, it's someone passed and someone yet to come into the world, the life cycle continues!

teacherwith2kids · 13/12/2015 13:34

In my family - Welsh origin - women don't usually go to funerals. The rule is becoming less 'absolute', but it is still definitely 'there'.

The first funeral - rather than remembrance service - I went to was MIL's, and that was about 12 years ago.

If my dad can't go to a funeral, my mum will now go 'in his place', though if he can go, she generally doesn't, except for those of her own parents, which were in late 1990s and early 2000s respectively.

On the other hand, DH's family have some Irish roots, where it is considered a huge offence if anyone with any connection to the deceased at all doesn't go to the funeral. I nearly caused permanent family disownment by accidentally (caught on the hop, on the phone, hadn't thought it through or recalibrated for DH's tradition not mine) suggesting that DH might not be able to go to the funeral of the husband (who he'd never met) of a cousin he hadn't seen for 20 years...

JugglingFromHereToThere · 13/12/2015 13:52

I hope you do go OP. Sorry for your loss. Agree with PP's who've said it will be a nice gentle reminder for others that life goes on. And anyway you are more than your bump and you want to be there.
Interesting to hear traditions of women not attending funerals or parts of the proceedings and being kept at home more.
I've sometimes not felt invited to some funerals I would have liked to go to, mainly my DM not really enabling that for me when I was younger. I missed two of my great-aunts funerals and DM said that DBro was going to "represent" the family as if that covered it.
I try to go more often these days as it feels important to me to be there.

Dipankrispaneven · 13/12/2015 14:09

Women didn't used to go to funerals full stop and not that long ago.

True in Scotland, in my family anyway.

Not in my Scottish family.

ZestyDragon · 13/12/2015 14:18

Its a "thing" here in some parts of Ireland but I think its more for early pregnancy than late. Its considered bad luck for a pregnant woman to visit a graveyard. Going to the church etc is fine and at the last one I attended a few months ago my pregnant cousin and her partner stood outside the graveyard whilst the funeral went on. That was her choice btw. No one there would have cared apart from her mother

ratspeaker · 13/12/2015 14:26

Never heard of this even as a supertition.
It once may have been a thing that women didn't go to funerals in Scotland but not in my living memory.

villainousbroodmare · 13/12/2015 14:28

I never heard such nonsense.
Very sorry for your loss - do go to the funeral, of course go - and best of luck with having your lovely baby.

baublesbells · 13/12/2015 14:29

Are you really confused about this? Hmm

chillycurtains · 13/12/2015 14:31

Does she mean you are too obviously pregnant to be seen at a big or sensitive event (could not think of a better word - sorry)?

As in old school pregnant women shouldn't be seen out in public at the end of pregnancy? But odd but she was raised in a different time.

I would just go. She'll forget it in a couple of weeks when the baby is here.

BishopBrennansArse · 13/12/2015 14:38

There was no way I was missing Grandad's 10 years ago and I was 38 weeks too with a planned c section 5 days later...

Do what feels right, OP.

Archfarchnad · 13/12/2015 14:46

And sorry for your loss Dimlow. You saying goodbye to a dear friend who you are grieving for is so much more important that some old wives tale.

Original poster
DimlowChips · 13/12/2015 14:49

Thank you all for your kindness, and sorry to all of you who have lost someone.

She isn't normally a superstitious person, which is what has thrown me. I do vaguely remember hearing the graveyard superstition somewhere before now that I read it!

I fully intend to go, no matter what anyone says. The family are very keen for me to be there as we are close. Between my hormones and the grief I have not had a very clear head. Unless I am in labour, I will be there

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/12/2015 15:06

Is she only concerned because of how far advanced your pg is? Because that kind of makes sense; but if it's superstition then bollocks to it.

I went to my mother's funeral when I was 24w pg, or thereabouts - being pg wasn't going to stop me!

So sorry for you losing your friend though, Dimlow, that must be very hard. Thanks

maresedotes · 13/12/2015 15:09

My friend didn't go to a close friend's funeral whilst pregnant because it is considered unlucky in her religion (hinduism).

scarlets · 13/12/2015 15:16

Is she of Scottish/Welsh/Irish ancestry OP? That could explain it, as other people have said, although it doesn't mean that you should pay attention of course.

My Welsh grandmother (born 1912) thought that it was inappropriate for women to attend funerals. When she died in the early 1990s, her daughter, DiL, nieces and granddaughters remained in the house as a mark of respect of her beliefs (but we were not cooking etc - the food prep had been done by a caterer).

Take your bag and notes in your car boot, and sit on the end of the row nearest the door in case you need to shoot off!

tibbawyrots · 13/12/2015 15:42

I went to my Nan's funeral at 34 weeks - my parents assumed that I wouldn't be going Confused

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