Well am I ?? Sick of complete strangers making me feel like the worlds biggest arsehole on a daily basis.

[MyFriendGoo52]

I have a 14 yr old ds, a lumbering hulk of a boy. He's very out going, very lovely and he's all mine.

He also has severe Autism, because of this i'm trying my best to teach him socially acceptable behaviour, ie not standing too close to people, not hogging conversation and striking up conversation at appropriate times but time and again I have well meaning strangers making me feel bad when i'm trying to do my job !!

Basically they mean well, but are making too many allowances because of his disability. Not realising that THEY might not mind but other people often DO. And we have to allow for that.

Example today. Ds strikes conversation up with a man on a bus.

Hello, what's your name ??

Paul, says the man.

Hello Paul, my names goo boy. Can you take your hat off ??

(( ds has an obsession with bald heads ))

I turned to ds and raised an eyebrow KNOWING what was coming next. Ds ignored my dancing eyebrow and asked to touch Paul on the head.

So I intervened with 'no ds, that is not appropriate. We don't ask to touch people on the head'

Aww he's ok. Says complete stranger Paul. Don't be mean.

No, no he fecking well is not. Try telling someone who's lost their hair through cancer or having a shitter of a day that. FFS

Then onto subway, ds strikes up conversation with the guy serving. He does actually know the guy serving but he was very, very busy.

So I intervened.

No ds, this is not an appropriate time to have a chat. It's very busy. Then took his elbow to direct him back to his seat.

Subway bloke - 'Aww, he's alright, I like our chats' 😠😠😠

Try telling the 50million, glaring people in the queue that !! 😠😠😠😤

And it's just happened again.

Takeaway delivery guy.

Ds said something rude / cheeky about his appearance I interevened with don't be rude gooboy or something along those lines.

Only to be told off again !!

They don't bloody know him. He won't always be a child. When he's a 30yr old bloke I do not want him to be going round stroking people on the.head and telling them they have big noses. It's my job to discourage that but how can I when my efforts are being undermined by people ??

Doesnt help that he chooses his victims well and very rarely, gets ignored.

So, AIBU ??

And as an aside people shouldnt feel they have to put up with behaviour they arent comfortable with just because the person doing it has a disability.

i see where you are coming from i try to look to the people that they are with for guidance when i come across people with autism unfortunately i then feel rather guilty for ignoring the person in front of me and sometimes parents/carers etc are not trying to teach the child a lesson they are simply trying to get through the day or hostile and expecting a negative reaction from me

i get this from my ex and his family my youngest is speech delayed and we were given clear ways to help him like repeat what he says back to him correctly they won't do that so if he says its a cumissmass twee i say yes a christmas tree they will only ever repeat the wrong phrase and it's frustrating because he will say it right and he will get it right if he is told the right way they think im really mean to correct him as he is only young once and only "likkle" FUCK OFF and let me teach my son (i think) christmas tree (what i say)

OP, I don't think YABU but I don't think the 'strangers' are either.

I understand what you are saying but I wonder if the best thing would be for you to be a little more forthright in helping the 'strangers' know how to react. I.e. Could you ask bald man to explain to DC that it's not appropriate for him to ask to touch his head.

I suspect that I might react like the strangers you describe although hopefully I would realize that you would want me not to be too indulgent with your sons comments.

I'm really pleased to hear that your DS is such a lovely boy and that people are kind to him. I can see what you mean though as I imagine that people might be more wary of your DS when he is older.

If someone started a thread about their NT 3 year old invading people's space, her trying to stop them and members of the public saying 'its fine! let them put their hand up my jumper, don't be mean'

But none of the OPs examples were that extreme.

Either she needs to be more forceful in telling both her son and others what she wants or she needs to accept the majority of people will do the best they can in the circumstances described and probably do exactly what those 'victims' did.

Another YABU but I get it.

You and his team are preparing DS for a variety of real-world situations.

The vignettes you've given are real-world situations. It's actually a little bit weird to complain that the real world mostly isn't as horrible as you expect!

Since you want to stretch his skills, why not take him out in socially challenging contexts more often? I don't know where you live but I'd guess a crowded subway at rush hour might prove a little less tolerant, a part of town where the residents have much to be angry about, or the city hall tax office

All children have to learn that some people are nicer than others - and, ideally, what reasons they might have for their behaviour. To be fair, we never stop learning this throughout life and it sounds as if your DS is doing pretty well. Give yourself some credit here!

I think the OP is getting a bit of a battering here. If a stranger told off your toddler there would be loads of posts saying they should have butted out and let the parent parent. Or I remember a thread ages ok when a mum was putting her child in time out and another parent came over and went mad with the mother for doing that to her child and calling her cruel. Well as far as I can see the same applies here. The OP has been dealing with her son in the best way as she sees fit and a stranger has thought it ok to object/butt in as they think they know better.

If someone started a thread about their NT 3 year old invading people's space, her trying to stop them and members of the public saying 'its fine! let them put their hand up my jumper, don't be mean'

To that example, DH has shiny, gorgeous almost Troy Polamalu like hair that attracts small children like a magnet. They just come up and start petting his hair randomly, with flustered parents coming up apologizing profusely. He thinks its funny and tells the parents it's fine. He's not saying that to undermine their parenting, he's doing it to reassure the parent he hasn't taken offense to it and partly because most of them are a bit dramatic over an innocently cute faux pas. and he's also a peacock who loves to be admired but that's a story for a different day

It's impossible for a stranger to understand the rules, so they're bound to do the wrong thing. It's highly unlikely that they'll hit that sweet spot between dismissive and permissive that you're aiming for. They're probably left thinking 'Why did she have to make me feel like an arsehole for trying to be patient with her kid?'

Their behaviour is nothing to do with you or what you're saying and doing. It's purely human nature to try to make people happy and avoid disagreements in public.

Could you ask bald man to explain to DC that it's not appropriate for him to ask to touch his head.

I'm going to take issue with this as you've said it's what you'd prefer, Goo.
Your child wants to touch my head.
I do a quick assessment and decide it's fine.
I give someone permission to touch my head.
You have no right to revoke it.
It's not your head! Nobody gives or withholds touching permission on my head but me.

I may be sympathetic to your predicament - in fact, I would be - but I'm not about to rescind my permission on your say-so.

The only reasonable way to humour you would be to tell the child Mummy says No.
However, this is not my problem. You're not my Mummy.
And I don't want to be forced into the position of having to defend a stranger's parenting to their child.
Particularly as I've just given this child a very bad example of adults changing their mind!

YABU. It doesn't mean you're an arsehole or I think you're an arsehole.
It simply means you're not my parent.

Could you ask bald man to explain to DC that it's not appropriate for him to ask to touch his head

That is a completely unreasonable ask of a stranger!

YABU
I echo a poster up thread. It would seem based on your post that people just can't win.

If a stranger told off your toddler there would be loads of posts saying they should have butted out and let the parent parent.

Exactly. The parent needs to do the parenting. Not random bald men or subway assistants!

I can see where you're coming from BUT I can also see where these people are coming from.

In a split second they have to decide what to do/say.

You have the advantage of knowing your son, knowing the extent of his autism and how it affects he behaviour and understanding of social situations.

OTOH these people are obviously keen to show that they are understanding, accepting and non-judgemental. They believe they are doing the right thing.

In the situation you described.....people are damned if they do, damned if they don't.

Yeah ... When teaching your child about personal boundaries, you really can't do it by dictating other people's boundaries. This might be a pity in your situation, but trying to do that would just be very weird

The OP has been dealing with her son in the best way as she sees fit and a stranger has thought it ok to object/butt in as they think they know better.

That's not the case at all.

The strangers hadn't butted in- far from it.

They've been put in an embarrassing situation and have tried to do the best they can.

I genuinely don't undestand what else they could have done. Particularly the takeaway delivery man who was told he has a big nose - there's only 2 responses to that- laugh it off/ make light of it or proper kick off.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I agree with OP (partially). What is appealing in a child is not acceptable in a 30-something, and it is vitally important to help DC's navigate the world.

In the first instance, GooBoy struck up a polite conversation and asked permission of Stranger Paul. That's a pretty good start, but it isn't acceptable, or cute or whatever for a strange man (say a 40-something adult with ASD) to ask someone if they can stroke their head. It could easily be interpreted as as being creepy, especially if the person he approached was female and it was at night on a quiet/empty bus!

But the people involved were were kind people trying to do their best, not ogres trying to undermine you or to make you feel like an arse. Railing against them is very unfair, it's unlikely that they understood your intentions.

I think you need to be quicker at stepping in when you know unwanted behaviour is about to happen. Eg as soon as the hat was mentioned, saying something to your son. A stranger won't know the extent of your son's disability and what your expectations of him are.

Can you rephrase a bit to give the stranger a hint as to what response you're hoping for? Eg:

'DS do you remember that asking people we don't know to take their hats off isn't something we do?'

In the hat situation I'd be reacting defensively to your telling him off - just because that's uncomfortable to witness/be involved in, so softer words might make it easier for people to cotton on to why you're telling him.

Actually reading this more it seems you are being quite harsh on strangers who have no idea or understanding of your son's needs/behaviour. It's not their "fault"....

I have read all of this and think that YABa littleU.

Your DS is asking to do these things (ok, not the rude/cheeky bit about the appearance) You've already achieved great things by getting him to ask every time. The social engagement work is working.

The thing I'd like to know is what happens if he asks and someone says "No" - does he then get flustered, upset, try to do it anyway? That could be more of a problem, of course. But as long as he is able to accept a "no" answer then him asking, and the other person agreeing, isn't so much of a problem.

Inappropriate timing of conversation - I guess the waiter could have said to your DS himself that he was busy, if he chose to make the others wait a little to show kindness to your DS, then really that's his choice.

I know I'm picking up on your individual examples, and you doubtless have many others, and I totally understand why you feel the way you do - but you do the kind strangers a disservice too in trying to prevent them from being kind. As you can see from your thread responses, you now have several people who are completely confused as to how they should react in similar circumstances, as their natural impulse to be kind to someone like your son is not acceptable to you. OF course it is not your responsibility to make other people feel better, of course it isn't! But the world in general needs more kindness, not less.

I do like the idea that people should pick up on the cues and say "oh you'd better listen to your mum/do what mum says" though - that's fine; allows for kindness AND for your authority to remain unchallenged.

for you - you have a tough job and it's a difficult line to keep to all the time - people should realise that for you as well.

Doesnt help that he chooses his victims well and very rarely, gets ignored. Out of interest, has he ever picked a person who reacted in a nasty way?

DB has quite learning difficulties, and there have been some interesting situations in the past (including some food stolen from a strangers plate which was hilarious and led to a life long family friendship with the people involved), he has always called it correctly though. Despite everything that he cannot do he seems to have an amazing ability to read people so well.

I have also been told that he has the ability to put people at ease, we were at a family party and one of the other guests told me that she had been really nervous when she met my brother has she just didn't know how to react around anyone with a learning disability (something that I long ago stopped being cross about, I guess not everyone does know how to react)...apparently he just knew how to deal with the situation even if she didn't.

I think the problem is is that different people want different things when it comes to this sort of thing and it's impossible to please everyone.

I've lost count of the number of times posters on here have become annoyed when people don't engage with their children who have SN in the way strangers are for your DS. Yet here you are OP, wanting the opposite.

Either way someone is going to get pissed off.

FWIW if your DS approached me and started chatting to me out of nowhere I wouldn't have a clue what to say or how to carry on the conversation regardless because I have autism.

*are doing for your ds

YANBU and you have made me realise how difficult it is. I'd have been all smiley and said 'don't worry' not realising that was interfering with what a parent has to do. It's all very well people being friendly but I wonder if they would be if you weren't there as a buffer; if they didn't spot he was with someone who could manage his behaviour and take responsibility for it if it got too much for them.

I do think yabu but it is understandable why. I think you should be gracious though the strangers mean no harm.