Well am I ?? Sick of complete strangers making me feel like the worlds biggest arsehole on a daily basis.

[MyFriendGoo52]

I have a 14 yr old ds, a lumbering hulk of a boy. He's very out going, very lovely and he's all mine.

He also has severe Autism, because of this i'm trying my best to teach him socially acceptable behaviour, ie not standing too close to people, not hogging conversation and striking up conversation at appropriate times but time and again I have well meaning strangers making me feel bad when i'm trying to do my job !!

Basically they mean well, but are making too many allowances because of his disability. Not realising that THEY might not mind but other people often DO. And we have to allow for that.

Example today. Ds strikes conversation up with a man on a bus.

Hello, what's your name ??

Paul, says the man.

Hello Paul, my names goo boy. Can you take your hat off ??

(( ds has an obsession with bald heads ))

I turned to ds and raised an eyebrow KNOWING what was coming next. Ds ignored my dancing eyebrow and asked to touch Paul on the head.

So I intervened with 'no ds, that is not appropriate. We don't ask to touch people on the head'

Aww he's ok. Says complete stranger Paul. Don't be mean.

No, no he fecking well is not. Try telling someone who's lost their hair through cancer or having a shitter of a day that. FFS

Then onto subway, ds strikes up conversation with the guy serving. He does actually know the guy serving but he was very, very busy.

So I intervened.

No ds, this is not an appropriate time to have a chat. It's very busy. Then took his elbow to direct him back to his seat.

Subway bloke - 'Aww, he's alright, I like our chats' 😠😠😠

Try telling the 50million, glaring people in the queue that !! 😠😠😠😤

And it's just happened again.

Takeaway delivery guy.

Ds said something rude / cheeky about his appearance I interevened with don't be rude gooboy or something along those lines.

Only to be told off again !!

They don't bloody know him. He won't always be a child. When he's a 30yr old bloke I do not want him to be going round stroking people on the.head and telling them they have big noses. It's my job to discourage that but how can I when my efforts are being undermined by people ??

Doesnt help that he chooses his victims well and very rarely, gets ignored.

So, AIBU ??

And as an aside people shouldnt feel they have to put up with behaviour they arent comfortable with just because the person doing it has a disability.

I'm of two minds here.

He's either obviously disabled, in which case I think most people would be understanding enough to not be offended by his antics. Or, he's high functioning to pass as normal and his antics come off more as quirks which people will take offense to.

The fact that it's easy to tell he's disabled might play to his favor when it comes to interacting with people, because it comes off as more innocent than when a high functioning ASD man makes a rude remark that in all other ways presents normal.

I've had disabled men come up to me, invade my space, and start talking about something seemingly random. I'm fine with that and frankly it made my day a little less dull (though I do take a step back every couple minutes to get my space back). There is a huge difference between that and a NT man who should know better invading my space and acting predatory.

YABU. Your son will still learn through your intervention that some things aren't appropriate. Doesn't mean he shouldn't enjoy interacting with people and those people obliging him.

How are these people to know you have an action plan to teach him socially acceotable behaviour?

Your kid!!! You have to deal with him when you shut the door at night!!!!
I even have family say .."awe he doesn't understand!" No he fucking doesn't but repetition and signing it is wrong will help him understand.
Walk in my shoes then tell me it's okay !!!

Well do you prefer people to be horrible to him and tell him off? Then maybe it's something to complain about, actually be grateful that most people are well meaning.

When DS is having complete meltdown in a queue and people ask do you want to go ahead! I do say that's really kind but we are working on patience and turn taking!!!

Now you've written a bit more I think I get it a bit more. You and a whole plethora of professionals are working very hard with your son to help him when he's out in the world. You are all doing it consisently to give him the best chance of learning. I get all that (I do all that!).

But the work with you and the professionals is to prepare your DS for the wider world who don't know him. So when he's in the wider world, all that prep is put into practice. The people you meet are the people your son is 'practising on'. They aren't working with you to make sure your son learns x, they are people and situations not within your control. And they are kind

He is very obviously disabled.

He's also a teenager and pretty aware when he's doing something he shouldnt (( caught him trying to sneak my bald headed friend out of sight a while back ))

No, I don't expect people to be horrible to him (( bit confused as to why that comment was made ?? ))

He enjoys lengthy chats about various things, no problem and is on first name terms with many people who work in the locality. All lovely.

I just don't expect people to be undermined.

Put it another way, replace a bald head with a chocolate bar you'd told your child he couldnt have one, put it down.

And someone piped up with , 'awww, isnt mummy mean ??

Then handed a big fat galaxy bar over.

Wouldnt be happy about it ??!

They are kind ovenchips.

Being out with ds constantly reminds me that there are many, kind and good people in the world.

Sadly there are also many people who arent but I refuse to think about them.

It's a tough one - I know where you are coming from but people don't want to be rude and as you say, he chooses his victims well.

Similar to the one that always used to drive me up the wall, waiting to cross the road with young DSs, training them on how to cross safely, one last car to come and they stop. Right in the middle of the road. Trying to be helpful and let us cross. Grrrr, thanks but I am trying to show them to cross when it's safe there wont always be someone happy to stop and they feel as if they have been so helpful and you just have to grit your teeth and smile and cross, mouthing thanks so that DSs know you should be polite and then having to explain to them that people wont always stop.

I do get where you are coming from, but I think you are being pretty harsh in saying that people are making you feel like world's biggest arsehole. My brother is on the autistic spectrum but unfortunately 20 years ago people weren't as well educated about ASD as they are now, and most of the responses to his 'odd' (for want of a better word) behaviours when he was your DS's age were "that boy needs some discipline" / "a quick smack would soon put a stop to that" etc. Ultimately I'm pleased that people are, generally, becoming more tolerant / kind now. As for how you manage these situations, I would say that if a stranger is kindly to your DS when he does something inappropriate just to say him "okay, it's nice that person x was okay about you doing that, but other people may not be, so you need to not do that". I don't think you can expect people just to ignore your DS or say nothing if he is talking to them though, because actually that's not 'normal' either in the sense that in a 'normal' interaction if you speak to someone they reply.

But this is just life. The 'stranger' in each of your scenarios is just facing the same challenge every single one of us faces everyday as we attempt to anticipate what is expected of us in any particular social situation. Nobody can read minds. We get it wrong and disappoint others all the time through no fault of our own. And then, behaving exactly the same way, we might go on to please, amuse, impress and delight many others.

Unless they're told explicitly, how can these people know what's expected of them?!

YABVU.

I'm a bit like ovenchips tbh, push the message at home but always very grateful for any kindnesses shown outside the home and there have been some incredibly lovely and tolerant people (and some arseholes as well)
Ds used to love bald heads as well he used to give a commentary on the baldness of people as we walked around the supermarket.
My most embarrassing "bald" moment was when he did a runner in the park after spotting a bald sunbather. I caught up with him but not in time to stop him grabbing the fellow by the ears and licking his head like a lollipop

Yanbu Op - obviously people in these situations think they are being kind but ultimately (& almost definitely unthinkingly) they aren't respecting your decisions and instructions as your DS's main carer and teacher of social interaction and boundaries.... I get this a lot with DD (2.9yrs) & it's quite frustrating! I've found myself making the same comparison when we stop dog owners to ask if we can stroke their dogs - quite often the dogs jump up in excitement, usually to be told to get down, at which point I would often say "oh we don't mind we love dogs!", but after a few owners came back with a kindly worded variation on " that's as maybe but he needs to learn to jump up as most people wouldn't like it and he might hurt a weaker child doing it" I stopped saying anything, just carried on smiling and patting....
Obviously not saying that that's what should happen with your DS or my DD but I too wish people would just have a little f forethought on the subject!

Can you 'stage' his social interactions with people you know? I do get it. Db has ASD and all the people in his town stop and chat. On the rare occasion I speak to him (I live abroad), I get very annoyed at his inappropriateness and constant telling me how to parent my children. I have a dd with ASD and am trying to 'guide' her a bit more with social niceties.

My Dd has autism, dyspraxia and learning delays. Another boy at primary school (T) has similar problems and school and his mum are trying to teach him that you can't cuddle just anyone. Obviously I don't mind but when his Mum says no cuddling I back her up. Dd doesn't understand the problem and they always give each other a big hug - ds however does have a problem with it but T doesn't understand that Dd likes a cuddle but Ds hates it! Causes slight confusion and upset.
Problem is people just don't know how to react in a kind and supportive way.

People aren't deliberately undermining you, they're being themselves - decent people with some patience. It's down to you to manage their responses, not for them to know how to respond perfectly. That means teaching your son the next stage which is he requests something, you intervene to say no, that's not appropriate or it's not the right time right now, they respond that everything is ok and the next thing to learn is when you say thank you so much for your patience/kindness but I'm trying to teach my DS this then your DS has to learn that no matter what people say they're saying it to be nice so when you say no a second time that's what he needs to be listening to. Sorry, it's down to you to manage in my view.

I know it's difficult but the way you've worded the post it's like people can't do right from wrong. You're putting the onus on complete strangers to be strict or in some way negative to your DS - even if it's no, I won't take my hat off and don't touch my head. For any nice, decent person confronted with a child that's clearly disabled as you say he is that's asking too much, even if in the long run it's better for you.

If it were my mother or someone like that handing over the big bar of Galaxy I'd feel it okay to say 'No, he's not having that. I want him to learn x'. But when I didn't know that person from Adam and their first impulse was genuine kindness to my child, I would accept that kindness.

And more to the point what else can you do? You can't tell the man to put his bald pate away. Immediately! As I said, you have the controlled environment when at home or working with professionals but out in the world it's a free (used an antonym to controlled) environment.

YABU but I can understand completely where you're coming from. If I were you, I would also feel frustrated at having my instructions contradicted, especially given the difficulties your DS will face as an older man with ASD. Sadly, those people who believe they're being kind won't ever consider that, and it will happen over and over and over.

The best you can do is say what you want them to say "I think you mean, listen to your mum, don't you?" And smile.

Good luck, I'm sure you're doing an amazing job.

I think I understand what you're getting at MyFriendGoo52 but I don't see any way round it.

If someone said something blunt about my appearance but I realised they had some difficulty in processing, I'd let it go. If it was goofy rather than offensive I'd probably engage. I'd be having fun with the person, not making fun of the person.

I realise that people like me are frustrating to you because you are trying to teach your son ways of protecting himself and we inadvertently thwart you and that's scary.

My dad had Alzheimer's and said and did some extremely inappropriate things. A few people were awful but most were puzzled and then friendly and others got it totally from the start.

I'm sure your son will find his way. Actually, I'm not sure but I hope.

what would you rather they said?
'F*off weirdo??

I think the issue here isn't the reaction of people as such. It's very nice that they are tolerant and if he was on his own (and when he will be in afew years time), this will be great for him.

But they are doing that in front of you and therefore undermining your efforts. A bit like if a toddler was asking you for a sweet and you said NO. But the lady next to you was saying 'Oh look at her. Don't be mean. Here is a sweet.'

'F*off weirdo?? wouldn't be appropriate Brioche201 and OP probably knows that

Put it another way, replace a bald head with a chocolate bar you'd told your child he couldnt have one, put it down.

Except the chocolate bar doesn't have sentient thought who can decide if they want to be eaten or not.

I think the onus is on the strangers on how they want to engage or not. If they clam up, obviously it is good to intervene and teach him that no smile/no eye contact means leave them alone. But if they are being friendly, I'd perhaps leave them to it.

Most people out there are good. Some are assholes.

But you know what? If someone is an asshole, it won't matter if your DS has all the best social skills. He'll still be a target for being different. That's scary to think about, but I'm not sure teaching him not to ask about a bald head would prevent that, ya know?

Oh OP I feel for you. And YADNBU.

I have a very obvious physical disability. And I encounter well meaning helpful people often. But I have to say no and be insistent when they try to help anyway because so often that forced help has caused problems (I've been injured, my wheelchair almost got damaged and someone trying to help me got hurt by it when they invaded my personal space to name somethings) and that well meaning help does so often turn into your being the bad guy when you're very definitely not having a part of it.

I appreciate the kindness of strangers and I really really appreciate being asked if I need help. And usually I'm calm and polite whilst insistently refusing. But it grinds you down when you're experiencing that day in day out and those well meaning comments can include assumptions about you that aren't true and make you feel shit. So occasionally I have days like you seem to be having and I can't be OK about it and understanding any more.