Aibu to not believe therapist?

[MyTeeZone]

I've been having some therapy lately and confided to my therapist about how low I was feeling regarding how I look. They (kindly!!) described me as "really attractive". I genuinely cannot see what else they could have said as they can hardly say I'm ugly can they. Also they were attempting to build me up (self-esteem wise). This is 100% not a stealth boast btw. I don't know what to believe, I'm really disinclined to trust them :(

I was an ugly teenager and have had a rough ride with things romantically but do put effort into my appearance (a lot). Still hate what I see in the mirror though

Id actually prefer not to reveal their gender if at all poss

cailin really?

Sometimes I will tell them about a situation with a family member and they will respond in kind with something that has happened to a friend, just to reassure me my situation is not unusual?

Waste.of.time. The counsellor should not be talking much at all in the session, and they certainly shouldn't be sharing details of their own life.

"Sometimes I will tell them about a situation with a family member and they will respond in kind with something that has happened to a friend, just to reassure me my situation is not unusual?"

This doesn't sound acceptable to me (but I am seeing a psychoanalyst who sometimes goes too far in the opposite direction). Speak to him/her about it, ask why he/she finds it helpful to say things like that and how it makes you feel. If you have concerns, seek out someone else.

The whole purpose of having a counsellor is that they are not a friend - they are supposed to build a 'therapeutic relationship' partly by avoiding sharing anything but the most basic details about themselves. As soon as they start chatting and talking about themselves a totally different dynamic builds up and it can lead to all sorts of problems, like this very one where the counsellor oversteps the mark and comments on your appearance.

You are now aware that this person considers you 'really attractive' which has unsettled you and disturbed the therapeutic relationship.

Lots of opinions here, some seem helpful, others don't. There are many different types of therapy and each therapist will work in his/her own way.

I personally think it's an unhelpful statement to have made but it's really important that you raise this with your therapist - there's so much work attached to this one sentence.

Thanks. How should I go about discussing it please? Not sure what to say!

I know I'm harping on about this but you shouldn't have to discuss the therapist's own conduct - they should be in control of the situation and shouldn't step over the line. In your shoes I'd get rid because I've persevered with shit counsellors in the past and it's been entirely detrimental (as well as a waste of money).

Cailin, I think you're referring to a certain type of therapy when you say they shouldn't be talking much at all.
Self disclosure is also fine, as is normalising by offering examples. The point is that it should be to the benefit of the client.

OP - if something doesn't feel right for you, speak up. It's your time, and actually adds to the therapy - it's then open for exploring rather than you sitting alone and figuring it out by yourself or asking the opinions of others who don't have the full details (is this a familiar pattern for you, rather than speaking up?)

Of course you should discuss the therapists "conduct"! The therapy IS the therapeutic relationship. How can it be a genuine relationship if one party is secretly unsettled and not sharing that with the other?

OP - "When you said x, I felt y" is an easy format to follow. When you said I was really attractive, I felt uncomfortable and couldn't trust that you were telling me the truth. I wondered if there was a therapeutic reason for telling me that.

what seems difficult is that you are finding it hard to accept that your therapist feels this way

what makes you uncomfortable about the fact they think this

is it impossible for you to believe and if so why (not expecting you to answer but this could be part of your work in therapy)

the belief that therapists do not share their thoughts/opinions/feelings is simply not true as it is very much down to the theory they work within and also experience and what feels right at that point of time as long this can be done and the focus is still on the client is what matters

with experience many therapists will learn when it is ok (and at times they may get it wrong) to share a feeling/opinion they have. that it has made you so uncomfortable could be part of the work. therapy at times needs to be uncomfortable to make progress sometimes clients then sometimes back off its a risk but a risk often worth taking and maybe this is what your therapist thought

but HeadDoctor many clients simply can not be that straightforward with their therapist often because what is playing out is aspects of other relationships that they have or that for them it seems far to confrontational to question someone, maybe someone they see as being more knowledgably

a therapist should be able to pick up that their client is unable to be so open

I am guessing you are a therapist yourself?

It took me a ridiculously long time to realise that therapy is a two-way thing. I knew you 'do' therapy rather than 'have' it, but it wasn't until I was lucky enough to be with a shit-hot practitioner that I understood I direct my own process.

So: with this in mind, tell your therapist how you felt about that comment and the extent of the confusion it left you with. Say you'd like to talk about or unpick this with them.

Judge them by their response.

Male therapists turned out to be pretty shit for me, no matter the quality of their skills. I was 'very attractive' and this infected their reactions. I'm not so thick that I couldn't interpret other people's assessment of my looks - which is what "you're very attractive" means; I knew people thought I was attractive! I had a problem with how this meshed with my identity: there were incongruences, which none of the men seemed able to get.

They were also crap at understanding what a woman's life is like ... after I'd developed enough confidence to give one guy a huge bollocking over this, I resolved to stick with females if at all possible! Mind you, I'd pretty much resolved the 'attractive' thing by then so probably didn't notice if any of the subsequent women were just as biased.

Therapists usually try to make you feel better. Telling you that you are attractive is misguided, but it is in line with social expectations.

We are to believe that "all women are beautiful" instead of questioning why the fuck it should even matter if a woman is not beautiful. And as "beauty" is defined in comparison to others, it is as impossible for all women to be beautiful as it is for all people to be rich.

Even if you were totally ugly, that's no reason to value yourself less as a person. Your appareance should not affect your self-esteem so much.

It is a bit disappointing that your therapist doesn't seem to get to the core of the problem, but unless they are a feminist, they are not likely to.

Another thought ... "attractive" is an interesting word choice. Maybe your therapist means that, while you are not exactly beautiful, you have the ability to attract others by being an interesting, likeable person.

My therapists have all told me that they think I am likeable and that they would not bother spending their time with an unlikeable person.

I don't think a good therapist tries to make you feel better - that implies a 'sticky plaster' solution that just covers up the real problem.

'Of course you should discuss the therapists "conduct"! The therapy IS the therapeutic relationship. How can it be a genuine relationship if one party is secretly unsettled and not sharing that with the other?

OP - "When you said x, I felt y" is an easy format to follow. When you said I was really attractive, I felt uncomfortable and couldn't trust that you were telling me the truth. I wondered if there was a therapeutic reason for telling me that.'

If you are a therapist Headdoctor then I'm really surprised that you've said this. Many people who seek therapy really struggle with relationships. The therapeutic relationship isn't a 'genuine relationship' because one person is paying the other to listen to them, and pretending that it is a genuine relationship can be very very damaging as the person attending counselling can become attached and end up bereft once the therapy comes to an end. It's not a friendship and it shouldn't be played out as a friendship.

Besides that the fact that you say 'when you said x I felt y' is an 'easy format to follow' shows a complete lack of understand of how much people struggle to express their feelings particularly if those feelings aren't entirely positive. The person attending counselling shouldn't have to address the counsellor's behaviour - the counsellor should be facilitating the therapeutic process, not engaging in behaviour that the person has to call them out on.

Is your therapist BACP registered? www.bacpregister.org.uk/check_register/

Occasional anecdotes are OK but the comment about your attractiveness is a bit odd. It might depend on the context.

I've had therapy regarding my appearance and my therapist never mentioned how attractive I was but instead focused on my issues with my appearance IYSWIM.

A person attending counselling places a huge amount of trust in the counsellor and is very very vulnerable. A good counsellor will constantly be aware of that and be very very careful to manage the relationship appropriately. Putting the person in the position of having to question the counsellor's behaviour is not on IMO.

hands they are, yes

Without wishing to pry, can I ask what your "issues" in seeking therapy were? Mine are that I don't feel like I match up to other girls in terms of looks, and that I feel ugly as a result. I spend time trying to normalise my appearance to fit in but just feel hideous. When I said this, therapist basically said "oh gosh you really can't see you are a really attractive lady" - I assume with the intent of calming me down/reassuring me/making me feel better.

Agree that use of word attractive is v interesting. Perhaps they mean that i have other things to offer rather than looks. Who knows?! I am now second-guessing every bit of the session of course

I don't think a good therapist tries to make you feel better - that implies a 'sticky plaster' solution that just covers up the real problem.

Why is it a "sticky plaster" solution if what was wrong with you in the first place was low self-esteem and anxiety? "Feeling better" is more or less the goal of therapy, isn't it?

A good therapist should make you feel better in the long run. Which means they shouldn't lie to you to make you feel better.

However, I don't think all the therapists who pointed out my positive qualities to me when I was convinced I was bad at everything and a failure in life were bad therapists and only interested in "sticky plaster" solutions.

Anyway, if someone is bleeding to death, you'd better put a plaster on them, or maybe some stitches, too, instead of waiting for it to heal without treatment.

I agree that telling a woman that she's attractive (in the sense of "sexually attractive to men") is not helping any. However, if a female therapist pointed out that "Hey, you are a rather likeable person and people don't hate you as much as you believe they do", that'd be actually helpful as it would encourage someone to go out into the world and meet people.

Yes I think the therapist should aim to make you feel better in the long run

IMO responding to a genuine feeling by saying the person shouldn't feel that way is totally counterproductive. The fact is, the person does feel that way for some reason and the work to be done is to find out why they feel that way, no matter how difficult that is. Saying 'oh but you're likeable' just shuts down the conversation, IMO, it says 'you feel that way but it's illogical so stop,' and everyone knows that telling someone not to feel a certain way is not effective!

Well use of the word 'lady' would piss me right off for a start.

I agree with the other posters who've said that the therapist should be exploring the reasons for your feelings and trying to help you deal with them.

The gender of the therapist would be issue for me. Rightly or wrongly, my opinion of their comment would be affected by this.

I'm a woman and I would never ever have counselling with a man.

Ok they are female. I didn't want to say before so as not to influence responses.

The gender does influence the situation, only in the sense that from a man the attractive comment could carry more weight and be seen as flirting or as a come-on or even as threatening depending on your past experience. From a woman it's more likely to come across as sisterly and friendly, but even so it's still misguided I think.

Mine are that I don't feel like I match up to other girls in terms of looks, and that I feel ugly as a result.

I feel that, regardless of how you actually look, it would be more sustainable to help you develop a sense of self-esteem that is not depandant on your looks. After all, even the most beautiful women could end up in a car accident that changes her looks forever.

However, it is possible that you have low self-esteem and think of yourself as ugly because you don't like yourself. In which case a therapist should probably point out the facts - it is useful to know where one falls on the beauty-scale, as believing every man who is attracted to you loves you for your personality could set you up for heartbreak.