Aibu to not believe therapist?

[MyTeeZone]

I've been having some therapy lately and confided to my therapist about how low I was feeling regarding how I look. They (kindly!!) described me as "really attractive". I genuinely cannot see what else they could have said as they can hardly say I'm ugly can they. Also they were attempting to build me up (self-esteem wise). This is 100% not a stealth boast btw. I don't know what to believe, I'm really disinclined to trust them :(

I was an ugly teenager and have had a rough ride with things romantically but do put effort into my appearance (a lot). Still hate what I see in the mirror though

[MyTeeZone]

Cailin - never! Really, never. I know what you're getting at (do I judge everyone as harshly as myself), but I don't. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that many people I know are extremely photogenic and nice-looking in real life. It's hard not to feel a bit jealous. In comparison to them, yes I am at best average

[cailindana]

If you never think that, why do you think other people think it?

[MyTeeZone]

I know I sound superficial. I don't value looks in other people, just want to fit in and look my best - does that make sense? I keep looking at Instagram weight loss transformations and they're all blessed with such gorgeous faces. I wouldn't look as good as them at their heaviest weight currently.

Sorry

[MyTeeZone]

I guess I just want to fit in. I feel like with eg academic work, if I tried harder, I would improve. Similarly with exercise. Or a hobby. But this is one battle I can't win and I find it hard because it's the first impression people (esp romantic partners) get of me

[cailindana]

I didn't say you were superficial and I don't think you are superficial. I think at some point you've pinned all your happiness on some idea of physical perfection that you can never have and it's taking up a lot of your valuable energy, energy that could be put into actually making you happy.

[MyTeeZone]

Yes that's it I wish I could have it though, so so badly. I've had so many horrible encounters where I've felt rejected because of my looks. For example once met a guy who i really liked, and who gave the impression he liked me back - bit of a holiday romance. He invited me on a date when we were both back in the country. I already felt he was a bit out of my league anyway. He came over to say goodbye when i was leaving and I froze a bit as was nervous; I assume he took this as rejection as he then looked my (prettier) friend up and down. Bastard Story of my life

[MyTeeZone]

Also, genuine question, I do honestly think that being better looking physically will make me a lot happier. I think it will give me a much greater confidence. I'm pretty happy with myself other than this. I have learnt over the years (I think) about how to fit in, have a good sense of humour, am well-educated and fairly intelligent, good career prospects. Just the outside is faulty!

I feel like woman are always always judged on how they look.

[cailindana]

Say that you woke up tomorrow and you looked exactly as you wanted, what do you think would change in your life?

[MyTeeZone]

women that should say - I sound like a caveman

[MyTeeZone]

Cailin - I think I would have the confidence to not waste hours thinking about how I could look, as I would look that way. I would use this energy to succeed in my uni qualifications (which I'm studying for right now), I would date without any hesitation (knowing that if they rejected me, it wouldn't be because of my looks), I would throw myself into everything I wanted to do without worrying about a camera coming out, worrying whether people were staring at me for being disgusting, judging my face or body, laughing at me

[MyTeeZone]

I would also be in the right frame of mind to hopefully find a serious relationship. I would date seriously, knowing that I was at ease with myself. I would be able to progress onto the next stage of life

[MyTeeZone]

Thank you for your help btw cailin and others. Sorry if I'm being trying or taking whole thread round in circles. I just can't see a way out

[sleepwhenidie]

I'm late to the thread Tee and I have nothing to add to the comments about your therapist's words, but I'd like to say that you might want to talk to your friends a bit more about how they feel about their looks. I'd bet that you'd be surprised to discover they aren't as comfortable and confident in their skin as you believe - most women (especially those still in their early twenties), really, really aren't. The woman without any body/looks hang ups is a rare one indeed. I also suspect that they see you as attractive in the same way as you see them. It could be an enlightening and bonding discussion .

I coach people in their relationship with food and body and you remind me of the clients who have spent years dieting to lose weight. Like a pp asked you 'what would be different when you have the looks you want?' I ask clients what will change when they reach their ideal weight (some people want to lose 5lbs, others 5 stone). The truth is, most things can be achieved no matter what our weight/looks (be it a hobby, activity, dating, career, being happy). The weight/looks is more often a sort of 'place saver' for other issues, an easier place to focus attention if you will. Could there be other things that you should really give more attention to?

My advice to you wrt your looks is to experiment with 'faking it to make it'. Imagine yourself as the 'best version of you' and how you would live each day. Act as that confident you. Practice can become reality with time.

[Garlick]

I would date without any hesitation (knowing that if they rejected me, it wouldn't be because of my looks)

It's not all about them rejecting you, is it? How about you rejecting them, presumably it does happen sometimes? Mr OutOfMyLeague on holiday, who sized up your friend - well, that was a wanky thing to do, wasn't it? I hope you rejected him that instant!

I really agree with sleep about having this conversation with your friends.

Due to your other remarks I can see that this is about more than looks and I really hope you and your therapist will get into a more constructive groove, or you'll find another more suitable one.

Meanwhile ... good enough is good enough, you know :)

[Wolpertinger]

Agreed about Mr Holiday romance! Imagine yourself watching a friend have a holiday romance. At the end of the holiday, your friend's holiday boyfriend starts eyeing up another woman.

What would you advise your friend to do? You would advise her to dump him sharpish and view herself as having had a lucky escape.

The issue was never your looks. The issue was that you were very young and misjudged a holiday romance as being more than it was and thought the guy was honest like you when he was a shit. God knows, we've all done that!

[sleepwhenidie]

that's quite an interesting statement you make about being rejected - apart from, as Garlick says, you also having the choice to reject them, why is is better to be rejected on the basis of your personality than your looks? Taking good looks to the ultimate 'conclusion' if you were indisputably beautiful (which arguably a few women in the world might be, yet that doesn't mean they are attractive to everyone, the two things aren't the same), would you then fear someone with you might leave if you lost your looks, or were putting up with some personality 'defects' just because of your face ? There are women who live that way...and ageing is a very scary thing...personally I'd rather have a DP that I knew loved and fancied me for me? What about you?

[MyTeeZone]

Thanks, yeah obviously I would love someone to love and fancy me for me. But sadly the people I have gone for, do not, and vice versa. It is obviously not just about looks but I often feel like if I was better-looking, then I wouldn't have this issue and would be able to pursue something romantically with men that I do fancy. I'm not saying my personality's perfect (it very obviously isn't) but I think I am tolerant, kind, generous, funny, warm. Just not very pretty. And I feel like most men go for pretty girls who don't have qualities that perhaps i have.

Friend who I mentioned upthread was annoyed at me anyway for meeting someone on hol (despite the fact that she had done this throughout hol without so much as a protest from me) and basically told me to grow up. She gave me very short shrift when I was upset. We are, for other reasons, no longer friends. She is beautiful but a selfish person. She is very attractive to men, in spite of the fact she often treats people quite poorly. Which imho is very unfair

[sleepwhenidie]

But with regard to your friend, surely anyone worth having (ie not shallow) would see her true personality pretty quickly and not want to hang around, much like you? Think about the things you love about your friends - most likely the qualities you describe in yourself. Those things are truly valuable - perhaps you should look a bit harder for them in potential boyfriends too ?

[BrandNewAndImproved]

My therapist kept telling me I was a nice person who had just been through a lot. A few times she did go through the thought process for making me see my thought patterns were illogical but she also gave me her opinion on me as well as a person. I also told her I felt ugly and she said I wasn't no matter how many times I tried to explain why I felt ugly she logically proved me wrong although I didn't believe the logic or her opinion

[MyTeeZone]

Thank you both.

Yeah, you're right

I guess it just stems down to the fact that these things are what they are - I just feel bitter sometimes that horrible people get attention and people like me get looked over when I think I'm quite a nice person.

I know it sounds shallow but I have never really fancied someone who has fancied me back (and who I have connected with emotionally/mentally too). I'm just not sure I ever will. I would just love to feel attractive enough to have this. I feel like my friend (mentioned above) just takes these things for granted

[sleepwhenidie]

it sounds trite but believe me you aren't the first person to wonder if they'll ever meet the right person. But it's true that he is much more likely to come along and recognise your value when you recognise it yourself. And you'll get to that point by investing time in yourself, in the things that bring you joy, satisfaction and a sense of achievement, not on improving your looks . If you don't believe you are 'in the same league' as someone you find attractive, they won't either, and you will be forgiving any poor treatment you get because you feel that they are forgiving you your looks - a very bad recipe for a good relationship.

[cailindana]

Until you can truly value yourself for who you are, you won't find someone who values you. That's basically it.

You have to accept yourself, and love yourself, first and foremost.

[Mellifera]

^^ I agree.

You should not be dating in this state of mind, because you might end up with a proper dickhead, a user.

Work on your self esteem first. You are not reduced to looks. You are so much more. Stop putting yourself down all the time.
If you are at ease with yourself you will be able to find someone. I'd give it a break.
With regards to your therapist's comment, I find nothing unusual about that. In a way she may be trying to undo the messages you (and parents? friends?) give yourself constantly.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I agree with Mellifera, sorry. You are so hung up on your looks, and people will "notice" that, whether consciously or not - you are dissatisfied, and that is not an attractive quality in itself. It often comes through in the way you are, the way you behave, the way you speak - and it can be off-putting.

You need to work through your issues with your therapist and come to terms with your own level of looks, so you can move away from this thing that you are beleaguered by.

And only when you are comfortable in your own skin should you attempt dating, because only then will you find someone who appreciates the real you.

[MyTeeZone]

Thanks so much all for the really thoughtful comments. Much appreciated xx