Aibu to not believe therapist?

[MyTeeZone]

I've been having some therapy lately and confided to my therapist about how low I was feeling regarding how I look. They (kindly!!) described me as "really attractive". I genuinely cannot see what else they could have said as they can hardly say I'm ugly can they. Also they were attempting to build me up (self-esteem wise). This is 100% not a stealth boast btw. I don't know what to believe, I'm really disinclined to trust them :(

I was an ugly teenager and have had a rough ride with things romantically but do put effort into my appearance (a lot). Still hate what I see in the mirror though

[CastaDiva]

No therapist should be 'trying to make you feel better', unless by that you mean helping you to understand the causes of your unhappiness, plotting repetitive thought patterns, making you think about similarities in your relationships or patterns of attachment etc etc - when a therapist I was seeing started telling me I was a lovely person and shouldn't be so hard on myself, I knew she wasn't any good. I wasn't looking for that kind of platitude, which I could have had from any acquaintance or a crappy self-help book.

Looking back, she was an older woman who, in our sessions, had, presumably unconsciously, taken on a 'motherly' role towards me. I was a junior academic struggling with loneliness and juggling the demands of my job and the pressure to publish with a long-distance commute and relationship, and she clearly thought I should quit, marry and have children, and then get a nice 'little' job that wasn't so stressful. To her, my life made no sense.

It was a classic example of someone who wasn't well-trained or professional enough to leave her own opinions and prejudices outside the consulting room. We didn't last long.

[handslikecowstits]

I wouldn't be as concerned then OP. Keep an eye on whether they are trying to get to the bottom of your issue. If they keep dishing out anecdotes and compliments and don't do much else, then perhaps look for another therapist.

Do they have a specialism which is listed on the BACP site? And is her approach listed there? e.g. psychodynamic, person centred etc.

[EnthusiasmDisturbed]

Of course it is the aim in therapy for a client to feel better

But it is not the job for a therapist to make the client feel better they help facilitate this

It is not the same thing a friend might help you feel better by telling you that your boyfriend was in the wrong you deserve better a therapist will listen as to why you feel that way and explore this not tell you that you do deserve better

[BipBippadotta]

Why not ask your therapist what she meant by it, and let her know how it's left you feeling?

As another pp said, therapists don't get everything right all the time (nobody does, in any job).

Plenty of people feel ugly / were considered ugly by others in their childhood and are left with that feeling when to anyone else they are attractive. Other people can be really astonished that they feel so ugly.

I'm fairly sure your therapist wouldn't at all have wanted to deny you the opportunity to talk about your feelings - she may just have wanted to give you a sense of how other people may see you differently.

It came out wrong, it was clumsy and it's hurting the relationship with your therapist - this is a great opportunity to say something about how you didn't feel you were being heard in terms of how you felt.

Your therapist cannot read your mind, and won't know you are feeling like this unless you say. Hopefully being able to say this should be immensely helpful therapeutically, and help to restore and build openness between you.

best of luck to you

[Garlick]

Hmm, I wonder if you feel like doing a bit of MN therapy? It's usually better!

Among my feelings about "being attractive" are/were:-

• Being an attractive woman is dangerous. It exposes me to unwanted sexual attention and sometimes draws aggression from other women.
• When people think I'm attractive, they incorrectly assume I am confident or arrogant. People who think I'm attractive think I've got an unfair advantage; life on a plate.
• It shouldn't matter whether I'm attractive or not; it's all surface & artifice.
• I should care about being attractive. It is essential, especially for women.
• I am plain.
• Because I'm plain, I am worthless.
• I know I'm considered attractive.

How about you?

[handslikecowstits]

If you've been told you're ugly all your life, as I have and been told that your appearance is the only thing that matters then regardless of the truth, you're going to feel ugly and worthless.

It's really tough and I do understand how you feel from what you've said OP.

[MyTeeZone]

Thanks very much for all the really helpful advice. I'm supposed to be going on a date of sorts tonight and so scared that if I get rejected it will break me! I think I will go and just ride it out.

I was unanimously unattractive until very recently i'd say. Saw a school photo when I was in a group, taken at age 17 the other day - all other girls were clear-skinned beauties, made-up, gorgeous hair, looking at camera. I was gurning, spotty, big-jawed, body angled in a weird position towards the camera. Went to a girls school and was blissfully unaware about how I looked in comparison to the others at the time; now I can appreciate I was definitely one of the least unattractive ones.

For those commenting on why looks matter. They don't, but I've always been keen to do my best/look my best etc especially with academia, and it's horrible feeling like you're not just average, you're below average. Just can't shake off feeling that everybody was laughing at me behind my back for ten years!

[Wolpertinger]

I think it's worth bringing this up with your therapist.

Even the best therapist in the world will sometimes say things that are less than perfect therapy. However from the rest of your posting, it seems that you attractive you are, or not, is a big issue for you.

I suspect you really can't judge your actual attractiveness and it wouldn't surprise me at all to find out that you are actually stunning in real life. So it would be useful to explore in therapy how you developed the idea that you are or were ugly, was this based in truth or what someone with their own issues told you, is it still true or are you now a successful adult who has become stuck feeling like a dumpy teenager?

Also why is attractiveness so important to you? Have you been brought up to believe attractiveness = value and so put a low value on yourself? Do you actually believe this in real life - I'm sure you can think of some attractive people who are absolute knobbers and some ugly people who are truly beautiful on the inside.

These would all be therapeutic things for you to explore and I'm guessing the reason your therapist's comment has upset you so much was that it's touched the tip of an iceberg of feelings of low selfworth that you have been hanging on to for a long time.

[Garlick]

Good luck with the date of sorts :) Hope you can manage to just enjoy the environment, food, music, company and whatever. I carried a little card in my bag for ages, that said "It's not a beauty contest" It got very dog-eared with use!

[MyTeeZone]

Now, I make more of an effort with my hair and make-up, and am considered attractive/pretty by some I think. Have been asked out on dates and do get male attention when I go out. But I can't help but feel that if they knew what i really looked like without the curtain of (dyed!) hair and lipstick, they would think I was hideous.

I am not and will never be naturally beautiful. I have a nice smile, good teeth, nice eyes and lips. But my face structure is not that great. I also have an oddly shaped body. I'm short but not curvy, and put weight on in weird places.

I guess I know deep down that anyone who finds me pretty/attractive is being brought into the illusion that I've constructed if that makes sense? The nice hair and make up. Whereas I do know objectively that the "raw materials" are shit.

Sorry if I sound stupendously vain. I really don't want to be the best, just good enough, and it's eating me up.

I have had flattering photos of me taken over the years in which I look like someone else, who can be described as pretty. They are not me though. But I cling desperately into them when online dating for example as proof that I look like that. Wish I could! Really need to reconcile what I really look like with the "unachievable me" in these pics.

[Wolpertinger]

Sorry- cross posted with you. Dating is tough!

Thinking about dating in a therapeutic way - would you want to be with the person who only picked you for your looks? how have you gone about dating - is there a way of selecting men who are more likely to be like you and looking for a long term relationship? Are you setting yourself up for failure?

In a non-therapeutic way - the best tip I ever had from a friend was to treat each date as entertainment. That way, even if it was a car crash, at least you had a good anecdote

[TheOddity]

Not a therapist but to me it sounds like the whole metatext to this is that you are worried about meeting someone and not being able to get across the 'real you', not only physically but also in terms of personality. As if you feel the real you is trapped inside someone else's body. Does that make sense to you?

[MyTeeZone]

Wolpertinger - thank you, great advice. Thing is that I am using tinder right now for dating and obviously that is quite looks-based. I do get a fair amount of attention but that is because of the flattering pics I've put up there. I look disgusting in natural pics, and that's bring charitable. I would get no interest if I put those up. As a result people who I go on dates with are interested in meeting up with the more attractive me and are inevitably going to be disappointed when I don't tally with their image.. It's not so much they're going for looks, more that I fear they won't fancy me

[MyTeeZone]

TheOddity - yes!!! That's it! This sounds crazy but I feel a bit like the girl in the photos is the real me?! As in if I looked like her I would really behave and act with confidence. I have really really important academic work on at the moment and can't concentrate because I just spend time obsessing over how different I look from the real me, and how if I looked like that, I would just have the inner confidence to carry on. Whereas even if I were to hypothetically get good marks, I just feel like what's the point. I will never have the kind of romantic relationship I want, never be able to behave with confidence in the workplace, etc etc

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I don't know why your therapist said that, whether it was an unguarded reaction that she had and shouldn't have let out of her mouth, or what - but I would definitely take it as a therapeutic opportunity, and next time you see her, tell her about your response to her words.

Explain that you didn't believe her, that your own belief in your unattractiveness superceded her telling you otherwise.

She might be able to work it to an advantage and be able to pull some more in-depth stuff out of you about it all.

Fingers crossed, anyway.

[Wolpertinger]

Well side tracking on to the whole issue of dating...

Are you looking for a bit of casual sex or a longterm relationship? Because you might meet someone for the latter on tinder but the odds would increase on say Guardian Soulmates.

Also everybody lies on their internet dating profiles. Yes everybody. Everybody puts up their most flattering photo, pretends they spend every weekend skydiving or climbing Kilimanjaro and not flobbing on the sofa in front of Strictly surrounded by takeaway cartons Men say they are taller and richer and women say they are younger and thinner

I did Speed Dating. It was like going back to the era of cave men as men recoiled from me at the thought I was a trained professional who earned more than them

Best results were from a traditional dating agency where I paid money to meet someone with the same niche interest as me. I found the fact we had paid a lot of cash filtered out all the time wasters! I married man number 3 despite me turning up late, 4 stone overweight with frizzy hair, spot, no makeup and wearing jeans and a hoodie. I did however take care not to mention I owned cats until he came to stay for the weekend

[MyTeeZone]

Thank you haha very reassuring to know that everyone lies!

To be honest I think if this date goes badly I will just delete tinder and be done with it for now. I am early twenties and yet to join the workplace so might wait and see how that all works out as I've not yet has a serious relationship (had fumbly one night experiences but not found the right person). I would love the excitement of meeting someone IRL if poss right now. As it is, these things have always petered away after a while.

This sounds crazy but I sometimes wish I could look like the girl in my photos even if just for a day and live in her body. Like the best version of myself.

[EnthusiasmDisturbed]

Do you feel you can openly discuss this with your therapist?

Your therapist should be aware if you can't and hopefully this will lead to some exploring.

Regarding male therapist I don't doubt some women have felt that a male therapist does not understand them I do not essentially get what it is like to have an addiction but that does not mean I can not successfully work with clients who have drug and alcohol addictions or work with men who have come for general counselling

Many male therapists are aware their female clients are reading something into the relationship that is not always there (not suggesting it is never the case) it can be really beneficial working long term with a male therapist if you have always felt men see little more than what is on the surface though you could also work through this with a female therapist but the dynamic is different

[Wolpertinger]

DH has just pointed out he didn't lie in his profile - he genuinely had watched 250 aart house films. And this was time that could have been better spent doing his PhD

So what looked like an amazing statement of how cultured he was was actually fair warning that he is really an idle fucker

With everything, it depends how you read it - everyone dating is trying to show themselves in their best light I didn't mention the longterm mental health problems as well as the cats and yet, somehow it sorts itself out.

I think therapy will really help you. I wish I could be the person of my imagination too but it took me a lot of counselling to see that the best version of myself is me. Sometimes doing your absolute best just means having a shower that day

[MyTeeZone]

Thank you so much for this really good advice, I mean that.

Does it sound crazy that I am considering serious plastic surgery to achieve this goal? Like jaw shaving. I probably won't do it but I am obsessed with looking like this fantasy version of myself

[MyTeeZone]

Sometimes I wish I could wake up and look like that.

I think I find it worse than ever because all of my friends (without exception) are very good-looking and pretty comfortable within their own skin. I am so jealous. On ither levels, I feel we are evenly matched: similar personalities, similar senses of humour, similar likes and dislikes, similar intelligence, ambition... Just this.

It pains me a bit because I feel like potential romantic partners will 99% of the time choose them over me because they will be bowled over by their looks

[EnthusiasmDisturbed]

No it doesn't sound crazy at all

We are bombarded with images of how we should look

We are a society that is becoming more obsessive with are looks and that in turn is causing more anxieties around this issue than ever

[Wolpertinger]

It doesn't sound crazy but it does sound as if you have settled on one issue being the solution to all your problems. It's a totally normal way of human problem solving.

What's great though is that you have insight that this won't really work to solve the problem - which is that you don't really like you.

We've all seen the people who only want one bit of plastic surgery done and then just carry on and on and are just as miserable at the end as they wre at the beginning - and it sounds like you know this too?

I think if it wasn't the jaw, you would have another reason why your friends are more attractive, outgoing, appealing etc than you. While objectively it can't be true - I mean they are friends with you for starters! You are clearly likeable!

I've just looked at the front pages of tinder and guardian soulmates BTW - and the profile pictures to me screamed hours of hair styling, makeup and instagram filters. It's hard in our social media world to noice what people really truly do and look like.

[sinber]

Your attractiveness is usually judged in the first few seconds of meeting which is why it's important to feel your best on a first date. You will do exactly the same to him.

If that person looks OK to you, their attractiveness rating will go up or down according to the things they say and how they behave. The real you will emerge over time, how can it not?

That's all there is to it really. Most women rely on make up for the initial good impression, just like jobs and houses, the decisions happen quickly.

[cailindana]

MyTee - this is a genuine question - do you look at pictures of other people and think 'wow that person's disgusting'?