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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...To feel upset about being left out of work Christmas party?

85 replies

UpsyDaisy123 · 11/12/2015 22:48

I'm a supply teacher. I only work for one school nowadays and average 2-3 days a week there. I am the only regular supply staff they use currently. Lots of my work is last minute. I am quite literally on-call around the clock for them and they know this and take full advantage of it.

This is my third year with them and I have never been invited to their Xmas party. In my first year I reasoned, 'Fair enough, I'm not full-time and haven't been there that long.' My second year I assumed it was probably an oversight and that they just forgot. Now that it's happened again though, I'm feeling quite upset to be honest. I've been there a lot recently and there's been a lot of talk about it. Some people who have now left will be coming back for it, so it's not for just current full-time staff.

I'm especially disappointed in the deputy-head who supervises me. I'd thought we had a very good relationship. Not only is she always very complimentary of my work, but she knows that my major motive for working for her currently is the social contact. I was previously a full-time SAHM but found it very isolating and had bad post-natal depression. She has suffered post-natal depression herself in the past and we have talked about it a lot and whether there is anything she or the school can do support me. I've always said I really appreciate being included as part of the school community and have made it clear that I am always happy to come along to any training days, etc. and don't expect payment.

However, when I mentioned to her this week that I had some presents to drop-in and asked when would be a good time to deliver them, she just said to stop by during the last day of term. She didn't say, 'Oh and by the way, we're having a party that evening. You should come along!'

AIBU?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2015 11:25

While op is working at that school, she is part of the teaching team and should be invited. I would be taking that up with the HT or deputy head, very poor show not to invite her for 3 years running, bad manners, and will demoralise supply staff even more.

Garlick · 12/12/2015 11:42

Don't know whether this might be to do with tax deductibility? While working at this school, are you employed by them? If so, they're breaking the rule "It must be open to all employees". If you're self-employed or employed by an agency, unfortunately you aren't deductible.

Thought I'd mention it in case it's at the root of the problem. At first look, though, I'd think it's more likely the list from which the party was planned doesn't have you on it for some reason.

Hope you get this fixed [santa]

riverboat1 · 12/12/2015 11:55

When you got that answer about dropping in the presents on last day of term, I'd have said something like 'OK, I had been wondering about the xmas party but I suppose its only for only for permanent staff members?' Thus drawing attention to the fact you are not invited and giving her an opportunity to invite you, but also saving face because you are not directly asking for an invite.

Borninthe60s · 12/12/2015 12:24

Stop with the presents!

IguanaTail · 12/12/2015 12:44

I think they are probably being thoughtless but not spitefully excluding you. This time of year is so busy and often schools think that part time and supply teachers have a lot of other commitments and might not want to come. That said, the offer should have been there.
Go and say "hey, I'd love to come to the Christmas party but I didn't get an email?!"

And I would stop buying presents to be honest - your presence is present enough!

SteadyHand · 12/12/2015 12:54

In our school, the HLTA begins organising the Christmas party before the summer holidays. There's a sign up sheet, and if you want to go, great. If not, fine. We all have to pay for ourselves, so it's entirely our own choice.

Could it be that the party was organised at a time that you weren't working?

Loads of people didn't come to ours this year (morale is pretty low), so if someone wasn't there, I'd assume it was because they'd chosen not to come, not because they hadn't been invited.

Sorry you are feeling left out though, it's rubbish.

Original poster

UpsyDaisy123 · 12/12/2015 12:55

Re: Not being on the relevant mailing list. It was funny how when the school got the call from OFSTED recently, I magically appeared on every list possible asking me to ensure I submitted relevant documents on time (which I did, by hand, that same day).

OP posts:

squidgyapple · 12/12/2015 12:57

Sorry to hear this - it is thoughtless.

I would ask the organiser - in fact I did this last year! Just said oi, you've left me out! I worked on a very part time basis and it was either an oversight or they thought I wouldn't want to come. In the end I didn't go for various reasons, but it's good to be asked.

And if they say it's already booked I'd offer to call the venue and ask if one more can be fitted in (and besides there's usually someone ill at this time of year)

x2boys · 12/12/2015 15:18

Odd I was a nurse for many years we always invited the regular bank staff the more the merrier.

trinity0097 · 12/12/2015 18:42

Every school I've ever worked at has staff signing up their intent to go to the Xmas party on the staff room board, next year just sign up!

BalloonSlayer · 12/12/2015 22:14

All these suggestions of "just invite yourself" or just say to the (almost) boss "why was I not invited?" or phoning the venue to ask to add one extra on, really don't make sense.

The whole AIBU is about etiquette.

It is rude for them not to invite her. It would be even ruder for her to essentially gatecrash or to provoke a confrontation which may make someone react in an aggressive way or affect her future working relationships more than the lack of invitation has done already.

The whole thread was clearly posted to ask about how to mend the situation that has distressed the OP in a way that will not alienate the other people in the school, and to hopefully make the OP feel a little better about this slight.

Most replies agree that this situation has arisen due to thoughtlessness rather than spite/malice. Therefore it needs tactful handling, and there have been quite a few suggestions about how to do this.

Posts saying "that bastards!" are not very helpful TBH. And ones stating what they do in THEIR school are contributing what, exactly?

IguanaTail · 12/12/2015 22:17

What is your suggestion Balloon?

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 13/12/2015 01:39

Ask her when you drop off your presents.

"So this Xmas party I'm hearing about. Am I invited or not?

I'm sorry it's upsetting you. Not nice to be excluded. Although personally I would be pleased. I prefer to spend my free time and money with my family. Lovely though my colleagues are I see enough of them at work. But not everyone is like me unsociable recluse

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 13/12/2015 01:41

Don't know why I crossed that out. Hell I am unsociable!

BalloonSlayer · 13/12/2015 08:08

My suggestion was to discreetly mention to one of the people who was surprised/upset that she was not invited last year that she has been forgotten again and is feeling miserable. I reckon that - if she picks the right person - will probably result in it being resolved. It probably would have done last year but she didn't say anything until an hour or so before the party started and that's too late to do anything.

If she was the sort of person to say So this Xmas party I'm hearing about. Am I invited or not? she wouldn't have needed to post on here. She's clearly not the sort of person who feels able to handle this in a not-beating-about-the-bush manner. (And that's not an insult from me , I'm the same.)

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 13/12/2015 09:24

She doesn't have to use the exact words I posted. Just words to the same effect inquiring as to why she hasn't been invited. She doesn't have to be confrontational. She could just ask the DH who she gets along well with, when she drops off the presents, why she's not be asked to join the party.

It's upsetting her, she needs to know why she's so far not invited. and so do I

I want to think it's just an oversight but I'm not so sure. They've emailed everyone else asking for their meal preferences so surely if they'd not heard from Upsy they would've asked again by now? Perhaps they think they already have emailed her? They could've misspelled her email address, I don't know!? All this is what could've happened but until she actually asks she won't know.

What's the worse that could happen by simply asking?

fallenangel14 · 13/12/2015 09:32

I worked as what was, essentially, a supply tutor at university level. As supply, we weren't invited to the xmas meal. I thought it exceptionally poor management, especially given how hard we worked for none of the benefits of full-timers. A mark of an organisation's good management is how they look after all staff. It contributed to further evidence that they didn't give a shit about us really, and although management and colleagues spouted politics of democracy and rights, they just didn't walk the walk.

bigTillyMint · 13/12/2015 09:32

OP, I am really hoping that this is a mistake/oversight - surely they can't be mean enough to leave you out on purpose

Could it be that it's on a day that you don't usually work and so they think you couldn't make it?

I also think you need to ask. Grit your teeth and ask the DH if there is a reason why you haven't been invited to the Christmas do - you are wondering if it is something you have said or done as you have been working there for ages now and feel part of the team.

Fingers crossed for a happy outcome.

d270r0 · 13/12/2015 10:36

The organising of the staff party is not down to the deputy head or any of the staff, they don't choose who is invited. A blanket email will be sent round to all staff. As you are a supply teacher you probably aren't on that particular staff email list. No one is deliberately leaving you out on purpose, simply the orgaiser, who is probably a data team/receptionist has missed you out by accident. Of course you should be invited. Just ask a different member of staff who issued the email, to find out who the organiser is, then email them to ask if you are invited as you hadn't received an email yet. It is simply them who has left yiu out not thinking, not a conspiracy on the part of the deputy head and teachers. The deputy head will know nothing about this, its simply not her job.

rollonthesummer · 13/12/2015 10:46

I think this is a brilliant solution.

BalloonSlayer · 13/12/2015 11:30

Our team leader left and went to join another department. Not too long afterwards our one-level-higher-up boss left and had a big leaving do. Ex team leader wasn't invited and was incredibly hurt. I don't blame her. But the reason was simply that she was no longer on the team email list and the invitation had just been sent out to the team like everything else is. The pity was that neither the boss nor the person organising the do had thought: "Oh mustn't forget xx? Better invite her too!" Shame on them. On the night the rest of us wondered where she was and why she hadn't come. We even wondered whether she had declined to come for some reason.

People are just thoughtless, sadly.

TENDTOprocrastinate · 13/12/2015 11:54

Are you on the staff email list?
At our school the Xmas party invite goes out to "all staff" on the email list.
If your not on the "all staff" email list you may have just been unintentionally missed. (This doesn't make it ok but at least not intentional)

rollonthesummer · 13/12/2015 19:52

I have to say that our peri music teachers are invited on our Christmas night out but any regular supply teachers aren't. I think they should be though!!

nippiesweetie · 13/12/2015 20:07

Our supply teachers are always asked, especially when they are 'regulars'. Some come, some go to one at another of their schools, some alternate.

MissTriggs · 13/12/2015 20:15

I've been in almost the same situation as you as I am a contractor working in a primary school.

The best advice I've ever had on the similar issues was "Don't take it personally".

If you do take it personally, you'll come across as unprofessional at worst, needy at best.

Try to remember that everyone in the school with any kind of vulnerability feels left out of something....I know it's not easy...

Things I've done that helped were:

asked for a pigeonhole

asked to get a copy of staff briefing
asked to have a "base" for my stuff

These are more subtle ways of getting included and can always be justified by professional requirements. You'll have your own equivalents. Good luck and if this is a good role, for heaven's sake don't let a dull Xmas party spoil it.

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