Would you have another baby in these circumstances?

[Conflictedkate]

Have name changed as am going to post some specific details in the hope of getting advice/ comments on this one.

Background - have 4 children. Briefly considered a 5th in the 3 years after youngest born but def off the radar for last 5 years at least. Then had an unplanned pg couple of months ago. Knocked us both sideways and considered termination but decided to go ahead. Unfortunately ended in a mc at 10 weeks and we were both extremely upset as had started to make plans and imagine a new course for our family path.

Now need to decide whether we officially ttc in the new year. After the mc immediately wanted to but wanted a bit of space to recover which we've had. We're going to have a good talk but I need to sort my thoughts out. It feels a head/heart decision at the moment. DH will probably defer to what I want to do.

So- I'm 38, DH is 43. 4 children between 13 & 8. We both work full time but I'm lucky enough to work from home with lots of flexibility. We need to work as have large mortgage but no additional debts.

We earn ok with reasonable amount of disposable income. Not super rich or well off but comfy i.e can eat out once a week, kids do activities, go on holiday etc. We don't claim benefits other than child benefit.

House is big enough but no spare bedroom. Could do loft conversion in couple of years but would rely on increasing mortgage.

We have a strong marriage, DH takes equal role in parenting/ household tasks. Both healthy but could do with dropping weight.

I have a good pension, DH no pension, we have a small amount in savings, think >15k

Children all stable, well adjusted, doing well. Love their younger cousins.

Previous pg all relatively straightforward, but last 2 induced at 37 weeks due to high bp. All Easy births, all easy babies but horrific toddlers.

Issues of concern: our ages, having another mc. Last one knocked me sideways with strength of feeling and know I have an increased risk.

Having child with disabilities- again aware of increased risks . We both know we'd have all the screening and tfmr if necessary as we discussed when I had the last pg. I know that would be distressing to deal with.

Do I really want to go back to babyhood at this stage? Sometimes think another child would be fab and lovely for the older children. Other times think it'd be utter madness.

Work- potentially in line for s promotion next year that I've worked hard for. Pg may scupper this.

So conflicted about what my real thoughts are....so AIBU yo even consider this. All info here is to help u see my personal circumstances.

No of course we wouldn't expect older children to look after the baby

They all gave jo bs to do and that'd continue. Might ask one of them to entertain while a cooked dinner or whatever but that's about it

Personally I would say no. I had an unplanned DS3 at 40, when my older 2 were 11 and 9. While he is a lovely little boy (is now 5) life would be a lot easier if we hadn't had him.

I wouldn't. A good friend of mine was the youngest DC by several years and always felt like an outsider and an inconvenience to her older siblings. Her DF died when she was in her 30's and her DM followed into a nursing home not long after with dementia.

Nope.

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage, OP. That must have been hard. I am the same age as you and had a similar situation in my life not long ago. I can understand why you are thinking this through, absolutely.

However, I wouldn't have another baby if I were in your circumstances. Its sounds like you have a nice life - decent financial and work arrangement, lovely growing family, you're still young enough that by the time you're in your 50s you'll have a grown up family and years of life ahead. A new baby might be like throwing a bomb into what sounds like an almost perfect set-up.

When I was considering these things, I tried to think ahead from the lovely cosy baby stage to having a stroppy 3 yr old...having to do the whole settling into school/school run thing for years and years to come...having a primary school child when my others were all at secondary school/university...and it just didn't feel so appealing anymore! maybe worth really thinning through where you all want to be as a family in 3,5,10 years ahead...

Good luck x

No, no way. No amount of screening will tell you if your baby is autistic, which mine was (pregnant at 38, only child).

This is such an interesting thread. It'd be good to post in larger families section too.

Sorry for your mc. I had one in similar circumstances and it was dreadful. Something awful about having an accidental pregnancy, then once you're used to the idea having it snatched away from you.

We're not going to ttc again. Ages of everyone involved dont make it a wise decision to actively try and get pregnant.

Unless you have the desperate urge to have amother baby (which it doesn't sound like) then personally I wouldn't. Make some plans to travel :)

I think if you really want another baby, then go for it! Age gaps don't need to be a problem.
My sister has a 16 year old, 12 year old, 3 year old and 5 month old. She literally had to "start again" with the baby, toddler years etc. but everything has worked out fine.

Also, my sister & brother were 13 and 11 when I was born. Yes sometimes I did feel like an "only" child but it was also great in other ways having older siblings.

You just have to decide what's right for you and your family

Thanks all- I've re-read all your messages and seems the response on the whole is don't do it. I even agree with this myself!

But- I just get a sense that I need to make right what went wrong with the mc! We did start to get really excited and think about what another child would add to our family rather than focus on the many negatives.

I don't have a desperate urge for a baby but can see us with another child! Can't bear the thought of them feeling left out either.

I know a few people have mentioned asd and other difficulties. That is a real gamble - I wouldn't want to burden my other children.

We really are family oriented though. Most of our future plans involve family goals rather than travel for DH and I.

Am really hoping it will all become clearer to me ....

OP in my experience, you won't forget about your miscarriage, and it will still be "there" and painful to you no matter how many more children you may or may not go on to have.

I really advise you deal with your feelings around the miscarriage perhaps with the help of counselling etc before you decide either way. Don't underestimate the impact a MC can have.

I wouldn't. Everything seems so great for you at the moment re children family marriage etc. Why risk it? No guarantee you'll get a healthy baby or that you'll be ok etc. A bit doom but worth considering.

What about considering fostering?? That way you could skip the sleepless nights I personally wouldn't but I'm not you. It has to be entirely up to you x good luck op and sorry about the mc

I think your motivation is right there in your sentence "I just get a sense that I need to make right what went wrong with the MC". To be honest, that to me is a fairly good indication that it is the pain and grief of your MC that you need to deal with. I am not so sure you are dealing with 'broodiness' for a child.

I do honestly wonder if you dealt with the grief of your MC whether your desire to have a baby would evaporate (if I understood correctly from your post that you were not wanting to have another child before getting accidentally pregnant).

Anyway, it is something that only you can really decide upon. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Just thought I'd update if anyone's out there! Have been feeling less and less keen on the idea of having another baby so maybe some of it is hormones. Not actively trying and haven't broached the subject with my husband over xmas at all.

I half want to say to him - lets just stay as we are - but am terrified the door will be closed forever and that I'll really regret it in 5 years!

Part of me wonders if I feel like I should have Another baby- all the medical professionals spoke like that!

Thanks for update Kate. Seems like you are doing a sensible thing of giving it a bit of time and not rushing into a decision either way.

Though FGS don't make any future decision on what others think/ want you to do. Especially in the case of medical professionals. Kindly meant but probably kneejerk encouragement from them that 'you can always have another' should not be a factor in your decision. Ever!