Would you have another baby in these circumstances?

[Conflictedkate]

Have name changed as am going to post some specific details in the hope of getting advice/ comments on this one.

Background - have 4 children. Briefly considered a 5th in the 3 years after youngest born but def off the radar for last 5 years at least. Then had an unplanned pg couple of months ago. Knocked us both sideways and considered termination but decided to go ahead. Unfortunately ended in a mc at 10 weeks and we were both extremely upset as had started to make plans and imagine a new course for our family path.

Now need to decide whether we officially ttc in the new year. After the mc immediately wanted to but wanted a bit of space to recover which we've had. We're going to have a good talk but I need to sort my thoughts out. It feels a head/heart decision at the moment. DH will probably defer to what I want to do.

So- I'm 38, DH is 43. 4 children between 13 & 8. We both work full time but I'm lucky enough to work from home with lots of flexibility. We need to work as have large mortgage but no additional debts.

We earn ok with reasonable amount of disposable income. Not super rich or well off but comfy i.e can eat out once a week, kids do activities, go on holiday etc. We don't claim benefits other than child benefit.

House is big enough but no spare bedroom. Could do loft conversion in couple of years but would rely on increasing mortgage.

We have a strong marriage, DH takes equal role in parenting/ household tasks. Both healthy but could do with dropping weight.

I have a good pension, DH no pension, we have a small amount in savings, think >15k

Children all stable, well adjusted, doing well. Love their younger cousins.

Previous pg all relatively straightforward, but last 2 induced at 37 weeks due to high bp. All Easy births, all easy babies but horrific toddlers.

Issues of concern: our ages, having another mc. Last one knocked me sideways with strength of feeling and know I have an increased risk.

Having child with disabilities- again aware of increased risks . We both know we'd have all the screening and tfmr if necessary as we discussed when I had the last pg. I know that would be distressing to deal with.

Do I really want to go back to babyhood at this stage? Sometimes think another child would be fab and lovely for the older children. Other times think it'd be utter madness.

Work- potentially in line for s promotion next year that I've worked hard for. Pg may scupper this.

So conflicted about what my real thoughts are....so AIBU yo even consider this. All info here is to help u see my personal circumstances.

I wouldn't, no. The thought of doing the baby stage again after 8 years would horrify me. Not so much your age, although obviously and inevitably that's going to be a factor, but getting back into that mode again. I'd feel the same if you said you were 33. But if I was going to do it, I'd get the promotion under my belt.

It is also perfectly possible that you would have grandchildren, whilst still having a young child yourself. Would you realistically be able to be an involved grandmother on top of everything else?

Have you thought about what you would do if your next DC had SN?

I have 2 DCs. They are 8 & 9. One DD has a diagnosis of Aspergers, the other DD we are watching & waiting.

I was within 1 min of calling the police earlier this evening to report DD1 missing after an ASD meltdown. (9yr old running away from home, hiding behind bushes, refusing to come out, awful weather, weekend before christmas, drunks about).

Please think carefully. If I had any idea how much time & energy a ASD child would use I would have thought more about DC2 nevermind DC6

To the person who said unless you want 2 more - remember it could always be twins...Something I know happened to 2 people with largish age gaps -one of which was my mother...
I'm the middle child...my brothers are 6 yrs younger. It was fun when we were younger -I read them stories and 'helped' look after them and they still see me as their cool older sis - but it is true by the age of 11/12 I was mainly ignoring them...(I guess they did have each other though)
I have a 6 yr age gap with mine and if I had my time again I would have them closer together. I remember going to an outdoor play centre which had a no children under 4 area and no children over 4 area - a distance apart - and in both areas (obviously) children had to be supervised....no way could I pass the 8yo off as under 4 or the 2 yr old as over - so I had a hideous time moving between both areas with one DC watching the other have fun ...(never went there again!)
Same with films etc...you can't take them together - or you can but the big one complains about watching baby films...
I think if you have more dc over a similar age range it is a bit different as you are doing things for more than one child - rather than it being just for younger sibling -if that makes sense.
(My eldest was still visiting Santa at 11-12 and very embarrassed as the younger one still just about thought it was the real santa and therefore DC1 had to go...)
The other thing is it drags the dependent years out - I have been doing the school run for something like 10 yrs ...and still have a couple of years to go... And you really notice it when the elder DCs start doing things on their own -with similar aged friends - and you see their parents relaxing - and you know you can't for years (a friend with a DC the same age as DC1 once said (without thinking) how great it was not having to do the school run any more ...I was so jealous ...)
I am lucky that I have a friend with a DC in both my DCs class - so the same age gap - makes organising things lot easier - one of us takes the younger ones whilst the other takes the older ones (or rather did -they are more independent now).
The final thing is the younger one misses out - for a start mine hasn't been to soft play more than a handful of times as the older one was too old (and it is a trek for us so didn't have enough time especially once the younger one started preschool and I had to be back for school pick up).
You have done the zoos and circuses and shows etc, etc - you forget that was just with the older DC . So I once said to DC2 talking about how big something was - you know how big an elephant is in real life? and she said no - I've never seen one - but we have been to the safari park and a couple of different zoo - she said no I haven't...and she was right. And the older DC gets to do things a lot more times as you try and do the same with the younger one you did with them -that is until you can leave the older DCs on their own -but then they feel like they are missing out on a treat ...
(Having said that I guess it would be easier if both parents were around - DP works weekends and used to work evenings so it was often just me and the DCs)

Don't decide now to try in the new year. Decide to think about it again from scratch in the new year. You need time to recover from your MC, and now is not the time to think about irreversible life changing decisions.

Yes, but I would plan two in quick succession, rather than just one because of the age gap.

Sorry about your miscarriage. They are very, very painful things to bear.

As you are asking: No, from what I've read in your post I would not recommend trying for a fifth child.

The main reason being that you and your family's life sounds really rather ordinary and wonderful. I mean ordinary in a wholly complimentary way. It's not often I read of such seeming equilibrium on all fronts of someone's life. There is no way I would want to risk the happiness and balance I already had as a family. No way.

I have a DC with profound SN but nothing that would be apparent on any scan or antenatal test. I love my DC beyond words but I don't think I could overestimate the difficulties we all now have daily in our lives.

It makes me slightly nervous to think that you would, in a sense, gamble with all of those wonderful things you have described in your life. Unfortunately all manner of sad, bad and tragic things do happen, and you've had the great sadness of your miscarriage so you know that, but I wouldn't want to take a risk on the unknown when what you already have is so lovely. There's too much to lose.

I do think your recent loss is the reason behind your current debate about child number 5. I think it's a perfectly natural reaction. But if I were you I would not make any decision until a) I got that promotion(!) and b) 9 months had passed (whichever option takes the longer). You need to grieve for this loss before you are in the right place to make a decision.

Absolutely not. You have four (I am assuming because you have not said otherwise) healthy children, which is two more than replacement level. Another baby would not be kind to the planet.
There would be an 8-9 year gap between any baby now and its youngest sibling. You will be disrupting not only your own and yor partner's life but that of four other children for something which wouldn't have occurred to you but for the unplanned pregnancy.

Don't be suckered by mere biology, and don't get caught out again.

Definitely not. You hadn't wanted another child until you got accidentally pregnant, and even then it was far from a clear decision to go ahead. I think you basically persuaded yourself you did want the 5th child (which was fair enough as it was on its way), and now it's hard to reverse yourself out of that mindset.

Additionally, the mc was very recent and a lot of the longing is probably hormonal.

I would wait until at least June 2016 before making a decision to TTC.

I wouldn't. Because your attention will already be spread thinly over 4 children. Secondly all your whole family/kids are of an age where you can take them cycling together and go to the movies together or travel. Having a baby would result in one parent being less available.

My dc are now 21' 18 and 8. Dc3 was born when I was 39, nearly 40. Did not intend 10 yr gap.
Pros, it was fabulous having a baby, a true blessing. We all adore her.
It is great having an 8 year old, she is sweet, funny and kind. Has been raised by 4 people. Hasn't had that sibling rivalry bashing thing that happens when they are close in age.
Downside? I had my eldest at 26 and will still have a child at home knocking on 60. The oldest two have all but left home and little one really misses them. I had no comprehension how hard the whole 13 to 19 thing was and I still have to get through that again. In reality we really would be free now to do what we please but I am still tied to school holidays and pondering sodding catchment areas!

I'm 37 with an 11 month old and 6 weeks pregnant. I had an only child for 11 years who is now 12.

I've loved every minute of starting again, I'm older and wiser and not half as stressed about things as I was with my eldest. I don't think you're too old but having already had 4 DC only you know if you want to start again. It's a big decision, go with your heart. I don't think your older DC will suffer though. I'm one of 4 and we are all around 18 months apart. When we were aged between 10-15 my mum got pregnant. She lost the baby but we were all really gutted and had looked forward to a baby brother or sister!

I can't say whether you should or shouldn't but will tell you that when my older four were aged 16,14,10 and 8 I unexpectedly fell pregnant. I was devastated and cried every day of the pregnancy because for me termination wasn't an option.
Dd turned out to be our biggest blessing, I have loved every minute of her 12 years so far. It was so easy managing one baby when I was used to marshalling a crowd of four. The older ones adore her, she is spoilt rotten because she has 6 adults to lavish her with time and attention and I wouldn't change a thing. I did consider giving her a younger sibling but it wasn't meant to be and to be honest I think she prefers to be an "only" (essentially she has been as the others were at different stages) because she feels sorry for her friends who have younger siblings.

In 5 years time your children will be 13 to 18.

They will all be teenagers

The costs of teenagers is quite a lot food, driving lessons, gadgets, university/college etc.

And even if you're really lucky the odds are stacked against you with 4 that one will be a right twat

I love teenagers, I foster teenagers, but 4 is quite a few at once.

I also know the devastation of miscarriage so to you. It's a very hard time.

Never forget, it's also the things we don't do that we regret.

Go for it.

I don't think I would.
The youngest would probably feel v left out a lot of the time, I know my SIL did in similar circumstances

Also don't underestimate how much teenagers (and young adults) will need you (and cost you!). I was part of a big family and my parents were so distracted by younger siblings that they didn't realise how much I was struggling till I hit crisis point

It can also be hard being in that weird place where you come from ostensibly quite well off family but in reality friends with smaller but less wealthy families are able to get significant help with house deposits/ uni etc

Honestly I wouldn't so many of your desires are hormone driven. Now in my fifties with my dc grown and flown I often think of the baby lost in my late thirties with sadness but honestly not with real regret. I have a wonderful life and my friends who did have 'second' families are so stressed tired (and financially stretched). They are panicked about university and housing whilst we are relaxing and winding down. I have also had major health problems. If I hadn't had to have three major ops in four years I might feel differently but my health really failed me for a while and I am so glad I didn't have any more.

A friend of mine had a "happy accident" with her fourth child. Her eldest child resents being used for childcare.

Also, my friend used to take her older children to loads of toddler groups/soft play when they were younger, but by the time the youngest was born she was so "done" with them that she has missed out on a lot of these activities.

Wow so many replies....thank you so much! I think I was expecting more people to say, nah go for it though!

No, we wouldn't be contemplating ttc if we hadn't experienced the mc as we felt that boat had sailed. I would have had another, and actually thinking back really wanted another in the 3 years following birth of my youngest but at this point we didn't have a big enough house or earn enough money as my career had stalled.

Since they all have been at school we've both been able to focus on our careers and moved house to somewhere big enough to accommodate us! We're in a better position now to have children than ever as we were skint and I had only just got a starter job after uni when I fell pg with my DD at 24.

Why do I want a 5th? I can't answer that really, anymore than I could say what I wanted number 3 or 4. We just did. I suppose in a way the baby years for the last 3 were frantic, busy chaos and each subsequent child just slotted in as they had to. We also had money issues and things were tight. When I had the unplanned pg and got used to the idea I thought how lovely it would be to experience again without the money, space and time issues.

That being said I was gutted at first and cried for days. Got so far as booking a consultation and then cried for days after that before deciding to go ahead with the pg. thankfully we hadn't told our other children or family.

I was thinking if we were going to then we should start ttc in the new year because the age gap only gets bigger and I'll be 39 in June! HD not even thought about 2 in quick sucession. DH would go for 5 but def not 6 and then childcare costs need to be factored in.

In terms of the promotion, it may or may not happens. Depends if/ when a position becomes available. I have tried before and was unsuccessful but since then have been mentored and currently working on a secondment project at a level up which has given me the experience I lacked last time and stands me in better stead so I think I have an excellent chance but there's no guarantees when the next opportunity will come up.

The age gap does worry me. Mind have always been such a tribe. My eldest has really started to do the meeting with friends etc since going to secondary school and Dd2 goes in sept.

They have shared rooms before in our old house and it was fine. But, they were/ are so excited to have their own and I'd be reluctant to ask them to share again. Baby would have to be in with us until we could convert the loft which might be 3 years or so.

The mc was very painful and I still am thinking I'd be x amount of weeks today all the time and wondering what might have been. When it first happened my thought was straight away to how quickly we could ttc. It was overwhelming. That urge gets less as the weeks go by but I still am thinking about it all the time and worried that my last chance might have gone.

I got unexpectedly pregnant when my children were 8 and 17. It was a bit of a shock and I was in two minds about what to do. I thought it would be a nightmare going back to the baby years, there wasn't enough room in the house etc but didn't want to have an abortion. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks and I was absolutely gutted. We thought long and hard about whether to ttc or not. All the issues we were worried about were still there but we went for it and now have a 15 week old baby, a 9 year old and an 18 year old. It has been a bit of a shock to the system going back to the baby days but I'm loving it. I haven't regretted it for a minute. You need to make the right decision for you.

OP I'm so sorry about your miscarriage

I have 3 children at similar ages to your 4. They are a real pack and I think if I had another now the new baby would be very much on their own in comparison. Having had a full on few years when they were very small, I'm loving reaping the benefits of the small age gaps now, our increased flexibility as a family - I can't imagine adding a newborn into that mix.

But I am not you and happy families come in all shapes and sizes. So only you can decide really.

It is also perfectly possible that you would have grandchildren, whilst still having a young child yourself.

You would also be having a child near the age of 40. That doesn't just increase the risk of a disability in the child (and then you'd expect their siblings to look after them when you couldn't, is that fair?); it also means that when they are 40 they have 80ish year old parents so you might expect them to look after you when they have small children themselves (the older 4 might have all decamped to Australia or something).

Also, will you expect the older 4 to help out with the baby? Is that fair? Have you asked them if they'd like a younger sibling?

In my view, it's not about you, it's about your other children. You have a great life now. Why rock the boat? Quit while you are ahead!

Disclaimer: I've never had a mc and only have one child myself, so I am speaking from my own experience, as we all do on MN. Ultimately do what you want to do. But please do consider your other children.

No, I wouldn't, for a variety of reasons.
Firstly, I am one of 5 children. Personally I think smaller families are better.
Secondly, I had a 3rd child at just under 40. She is autistic, and it has adversely affected my life, and that of my 2nd child. This sounds harsh, I know, but I often regret having her (as much as I love her) Thinking 'I could cope with a disabled child' and actually having one are 2 different things.
Lastly, you sound as if you are one of those women that has very strong feelings of 'broodiness'. I am too, so I understand that need, but the thing is you do need to stop somewhere. My sister had 5 children and found it hard to accept she couldn't have a sixth. It's as if you always want one more.
Sorry if my post sounds harsh, I'm not a coldhearted person really. It's your decision at the end of the day .

Well here are my reasons for not having a third. My second child (born when I was 38) has special needs. It is damn hard. She's an delight but we are costantly worrying about her future.

And then I turned 40 and my parents have been ill (my mum died and my dad has cancer) and IL's have real health issues and have had mulitple operations.

I am much more aware of my own mortality and I feel stretched in every direction.

I know I sound like the voice of doom but other stuff happens to the wider family as you get older (well it has to me, hopefully you'll be much older).

That said I understand the urge after a miscarriage (all too well) to try and fix things by getting pregnant again but really give yourself a bit more time. It might be that early next year you really really know that a 5th child is what your family needs to feel completed and in that case I'd say go for it. But right now you need to give yourself a bit of space.