Would you have another baby in these circumstances?

[Conflictedkate]

Have name changed as am going to post some specific details in the hope of getting advice/ comments on this one.

Background - have 4 children. Briefly considered a 5th in the 3 years after youngest born but def off the radar for last 5 years at least. Then had an unplanned pg couple of months ago. Knocked us both sideways and considered termination but decided to go ahead. Unfortunately ended in a mc at 10 weeks and we were both extremely upset as had started to make plans and imagine a new course for our family path.

Now need to decide whether we officially ttc in the new year. After the mc immediately wanted to but wanted a bit of space to recover which we've had. We're going to have a good talk but I need to sort my thoughts out. It feels a head/heart decision at the moment. DH will probably defer to what I want to do.

So- I'm 38, DH is 43. 4 children between 13 & 8. We both work full time but I'm lucky enough to work from home with lots of flexibility. We need to work as have large mortgage but no additional debts.

We earn ok with reasonable amount of disposable income. Not super rich or well off but comfy i.e can eat out once a week, kids do activities, go on holiday etc. We don't claim benefits other than child benefit.

House is big enough but no spare bedroom. Could do loft conversion in couple of years but would rely on increasing mortgage.

We have a strong marriage, DH takes equal role in parenting/ household tasks. Both healthy but could do with dropping weight.

I have a good pension, DH no pension, we have a small amount in savings, think >15k

Children all stable, well adjusted, doing well. Love their younger cousins.

Previous pg all relatively straightforward, but last 2 induced at 37 weeks due to high bp. All Easy births, all easy babies but horrific toddlers.

Issues of concern: our ages, having another mc. Last one knocked me sideways with strength of feeling and know I have an increased risk.

Having child with disabilities- again aware of increased risks . We both know we'd have all the screening and tfmr if necessary as we discussed when I had the last pg. I know that would be distressing to deal with.

Do I really want to go back to babyhood at this stage? Sometimes think another child would be fab and lovely for the older children. Other times think it'd be utter madness.

Work- potentially in line for s promotion next year that I've worked hard for. Pg may scupper this.

So conflicted about what my real thoughts are....so AIBU yo even consider this. All info here is to help u see my personal circumstances.

I think you are beyond lucky to have four healthy children. You work, your husband works and your children are becoming independent. There would be a 9 or 10 year gap between the baby and the (now) youngest. In all likelihood you would then want another baby for that baby to play with.

Count yourself really lucky you are in this position. I really wouldn't have another child now. You have a lovely family; enjoy it rather than looking at what you could have.

Sorry about your miscarriage.

I would strongly suggest counselling before making a decision.

And not everyone finds this but I am pregnant after a MMC and have found and am finding it extremely hard. I've had anxiety, depression, sleeplessness all relating to the loss / worry about this pregnancy.

Imo you're best advised to get that promotion under your belt before you give any consideration to ttc again.

If successful jobwise, I would suggest you think very long and hard about altering the status quo as a 9/10 year age gap between your current youngest and a newborn will mean that any subsequent addition to your family will effectively be raised as an only child unless, of course, you conceive twins or intend to have another sprog in short order.

I'm not going to comment on whether you should or shouldn't, but just here to mention that straight after a MC it seems to be very common to feel an overwhelming need to be pregnant again ASAP - don't know if it's a hormone thing or what but it's like a primal urge! I had a MMC in August and was absolutely desperate to get pg again - slightly different in that it was a planned pregnancy but the urgency and strength of need was fierce and overwhelming. Within 2-3 months it had lessened a lot and I felt much clearer-headed and able to look at things a bit more objectively.

Oh and yes - like rageagainst I am now pregnant again and struggling emotionally and mentally. Luckily I currently only have 1 child to deal with, can't imagine if I had 4!

I was in a similar position to you in June 2010, albeit with less DCs.

We had two, who were 13 & 9, and had not planned on any more. We were perfectly happy with the life we had. I then discovered I was pregnant & was blown away (there were medical reasons why it should not have been possible). Over the first few days, I changed my mind umpteen times about whether I wanted to continue the pregnancy or not (DH had already said that he would support me either way, but that the final say would be mine as it was me who would have to go through another potentially difficult pregnancy). In the end, we decided to go ahead. Over the next few weeks, we started to get used to the idea, told our older DCs about the new arrival, started to make plans etc., only to be told at the 12 week scan that our baby had died at 7 weeks.

We were heartbroken and, TBH, this surprised both of us as it was a pregnancy we never wanted or planned, and had actively tried to avoid. About a month after the loss, we made the conscious decision to try for another baby. Something we never ever thought we would be doing at that time in our lives!

DC3 is now 4 & our family wouldn't feel complete without her .

Good luck with whatever you decide. I'm sorry for your loss .

Hmm. I have similar circs to you (age, wfh, comfortable financially with modest savings (bit more than you but not vast fortunes), supportive dh) and we went ahead with no. 3, 10 and 8y gap rspectively to the others. Only 2 and a bit months in and I felt hugely ambivalent through the pregnancy but having her is fab. The older dc love her and I am really enjoying the baby stage (but I never really mourned the pre-baby life or felt having small kids to be constraining). I honestly don't think the gap is the problem. I wouldn't want 5, but I know I'm done at 3 and wouldn't want even a 4th. I think the picture some of the PPs are painting is too negative - but actually I still wouldn't set out to do what we have done if we had our time again. I know that sounds odd, because we all adore her and it's been so so positive so far, and I don't regret her at all, but it's my instinctive reaction on reading your post.

No, in your situation, I would not have another child.

You have your children, all are out of nappies, at school and growing more and more independent. Adding a newborn to the current dynamic would change things almost completely. You say that it would be nice for the older siblings but has it crossed your mind whether they would be willing to help out with a newborn, or would it be more of a burden after the initial novelty wore off? I agree with PP that your children will start wanting to be picked up and dropped off later in the evenings, they will want quiet study time, they won't be as switched on as you with regards to home safety and a little one.

You say your career is developing and you're up for promotion? That sounds brilliant and a real personal achievement, something you have that is separate from family life. If you have a newborn, your career and that sense of achievement outside the home will be lost, at least for a year or so.

You say you are comfortable but with a mortgage, and that to make (more) room for a baby you would have to borrow more to convert your loft. Why would you want to saddle yourself with more debt going into your 40s? Personally I would be trying to pay off my mortgage so that I could have a more relaxing life in my 50s and beyond.

I know a newborn sounds appealing, and I don't know what emotional journey you're on following your miscarriage, but I do know, having an 11 week old myself, that they take up so much time and energy, more than you probably remember thanks to hormones and rose tinted glasses

The baby bit was nice tbf HeteroHay- it's having toddler again that's a fricking nightmare.

OP, next time you're at a bonfire or at the beach ask yourself if you really really would rather be chasing a kamikaze toddler around every single second instead of chilling out with a in hand?

Or when you're in town shopping for clothes with your Tweens ask them if they think the experience would be improved by you conducting the outing with a toddler screaming to the point of vomiting clamped under one armpit?

Cos that's what'll happen.....

Personally I wouldn't. I was much older than my brother and really didn't enjoy having our family activities limited by a pre schooler when we could have been sharing more grown up activities. I spent my teenage years hanging out on the edges of kiddies play parks with my parents and going to kiddie attractions in the holidays and hated it.

I can't comment on whether I would or wouldn't in your circumstances but I'm a 5th child. My four older siblings were 5, 7, 9 and 11 when I was born. Growing up I ALWAYS felt left out and like my parents had done the kiddy part of their lives by the time I came along. They were a gang who'd had Easter egg hunts and lovely Christmas etc and they were just playing along for me.

It didn't mean I had an unhappy childhood. Far from it, and I'd have preferred to be born than the alternative, but it's worth thinking about.

I personally feel that five children is overkill and that it's irresponsible from an environmental point of view.

I realise that's never a popular angle on these threads but I do.

My mum was the youngest with a 10 year age gap between her and the next sibling. She was told that her siblings played with her a lot when she was a baby and toddler. But by the time she was 5, they were out in the evenings and weekends with friends, and studying. By the time she was 9, they had all left home. She feels she never really knew her siblings as a child, and it is only as an adult that she got to know them.

An 9 year old may be involved and play with a baby. A 15 or 16 year old will be busy with their own life. It sounds like the picture you have of your children and any new baby playing together, is not a realistic one.

What do you hope to gain from another pregnancy/child? It may sound like a strange question, but why do you think you need to have another baby, when you already have four?

It's one thing to want one for purely emotional/hormonal reasons, but it doesn't sound like a practical or sensible decision. There's no rationale behind it from what I can gather.

Ultimately, it's your choice. Personally, I wouldn't have even had four, so probably the wrong person to advise!!

I'm sorry for your earlier miscarriage

Personally I wouldn't unless you are prepared to have 2 more ;)

We only have 3.5 years from DC2 to 3 and I still feel the gap is too big - older 2 have barely 2 years between them and were so much closer so much quicker, and even now the youngest is 4.5 we have a "big kids / small kid" divide - the older 2 are roughly "equals" and although they love the youngest and play with him, indulge him, never fight with him the way they bicker with each other and spoil him rotten they treat him as a separate entity almost a pet and it is almost like having twins and an only (not that that is possible).

DC3 was such a terrible sleeper til he was nearly 3 that I'd rather have stuck pins in my eyes than have a 4th while he was tiny, but I often think it would have been better to have "2 sets of 2" than one "out on his own" after the close older 2...

I know you already have 4, but your 4 have only 5 years from eldest to youngest so each must be close in age to the next... you will have 4 "big" kids and one "baby" for ever - even when the baby is 13, 14, 15... (by which time unless you have the normally non ideal situation of fully adult kids living at home you'll basically have an only child with 4 adult siblings who no longer live at home).

That's why I wouldn't - plus the issue of just which of your kids who has been used to having their own room all this time will suddenly have to share... and whether they will resent that (sharing is fine especially before puberty, but a whole different ball game if you have had your own room for years and then have to share whether you want to or not, rather than having had to since you were a toddler).

I also find my youngest has a bit of a raw deal in terms of playdates - got used to the older ones arranging their own, and the week is pretty full and its hard to squeeze in higher maintenance 4 yo playdaes, yet I made a massive effort for the older 2 at this age, esp as we are potential "outsiders" in our community and I wanted them to feel fully integrated.

Youngest also has to tolerate longer, more tiring days of childcare than the older ones had to as I got to the stage where I needed to work - mainly so as not to feel parasitic ... as a result he seems more stressed out and whiney than the older 2 ever were... I think the poor soul is sometimes just more tired than his siblings ever had to be at 4, and also spends more of his time being hurried up etc. I was more patient with the older 2 because things were all at tthier pace and level, but now there is big kid pace and small kid pace and level going on at the same time, and its harder to keep everyone content.

In your position if I was accidentally pregnant I would make the best of it and you would of course cope and everyone would adjust - but I wouldn't make a decision to ttc deliberately.

I had 2 kids when I was 41 and 43. So, your age is no barrier. I think no one can advise you on this. Loads of people saying no, because they wouldn't want to. Of course having another baby is hard, but if you really want another child, you have one life, this is it, you need to do it. Give yourself time to decide and if you feel that this is what you want, in your heart, then do it.

A newborn is lovely for the older DC up until the novelty wears off and they become 3 years+ and want everything the older ones have, to be like them, shriek at them and beat them up --and pick up bad language from them and you are also trying to juggle DC with huge age gaps and interests. That child will also potentially be a lonely only when the older ones are out all hours/moved out. Not a path that I would want to go down if I had 4 already (I had 3 when I did it).

Yours DH's age not an issue really. I was 38 and DH 41 when we had our last one. I was not considered 'geriatric' as I recall!

Your DC are all entering mentally exhausting ages (for parents) as well - teenage/pre teen, so IMHO I think you'd be nuts to have another .

I am already sad for 5 year old DS that he will probably be on his tod with us when he is a teenager and the house will be quiet and lonely for him

I'm 38, husband 41 and our children are 8, 5 and 8 months.

Going back to the baby stage has been exceptionally hard. There's all the paraphernalia. There's the 'baby-proofing' of the house. There's the disturbed sleep. My baby is very easy but we are both completely exhausted.

And we just can't devote adequate time to any of them right now. Something always has to give. I feel guilty about that and sorry they don't each get more quality time.

We've had to get a bigger car and are extending the house so money is tight. And into the future I wonder how we'll afford uni etc.

We all adore the baby. He is brilliant. But three - even three lovely, easy-going, problem-free children - is a huge challenge. I'm still in shock.

I dreamt I was pregnant the other night and woke up frantic. When I remembered my husband had had a vasectomy a few months ago I felt such relief!

Enjoy the children you have and celebrate their emerging independence. It won't be long before you have grandchildren to help with!

In honesty, no I don't think I would.

However, it's not my decision. Like a previous poster suggested, pick a time when you're not ovulating, and preferably not as the festive days ramp up and everything is peachy, and discuss it with your husband. Good luck :)

Sorry about your miscarriage OP

In all honesty, I wouldn't. Your oldest 4 children will probably be quite close, your youngest will feel left out due to the large age gap which isn't fair.

Also, your children are almost independent so you and your DH could move onto another stage in your lives. Do you really want to go back to nappies, 3 hourly feeds, potty training, childcare etc and loose your promotion? I know I wouldn't.

My advice would be make the most of children's teen and pre teen years without the distraction of another baby.

Meh, it's horses for courses, re "ideal age gaps".

I'm pg with DC3 at the moment with DC1-12 and DC2-6. I love having a big age gap and I think i would have rather stuck pins in my eyes than have two under two! Tbf, I think I could have been ready for dc2 when dc1 was 4ish but we couldn't afford another then, so cest la vie!

Current DC get on well and the younger one is potty about babies and toddlers.

I have a 5.5 year age gap between my brother and I. We got on well as young children, not so much once we hit 12- 22 ish, BUT i think this is due to the fact that we are very very different personalities and drive each other nuts.

I didn't have to worry about my age so much as I'm at the other end of the scale. DC1 was my whoops baby in-between a levels and uni.

Do whatever you think will make YOU and YOUR family happiest.

I wouldn't. It's too big an age gap. Think of the finances when the DC go to university. Also your DH will be mid sixties before you are kid free assuming they go to uni and come home during the holidays.

Had unplanned DC3 12 weeks ago. Others are 9&6. I'm 40. He's beautiful, a dream baby and I love him to bits. Looking at the next 5 yrs ahead though would I have chosen to have another at my age? Nope.

There was a 6 and 8 year age difference between me and my two older brothers. I was close in age to a younger brother. We were like two different families. The older two had nothing in common with us younger two. When we were in primary school, they were teenagers, with independent social lives, sophisticated club activities and studying for important exams. My memory is largely of them vaguely coming and going. I don't feel as if we all grew up together as siblings. They were like a different generation to us. In fact, they simply were a different generation in every way.