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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engagement party

88 replies

WhatstheT · 10/12/2015 12:42

I'm posting here for traffic really.

Me and Partner had our first child In Jan, and we got engaged this year too. We didn't have a christening, and we don't plan on getting married for a good few years until we have the money, and DD is old enough to be involved.

My question is... what do people think of engagement parties?

We haven't really had a family celebration before, or really arranged any real parties before, and we were considering inviting friends and family for a get together just to celebrate engagement/baby all in one go...

Having never had a party before... not sure what people think of arranging a do for yourself... it would only be renting a room in a social club/having a drink/buffet type of do, but I'm not sure if it's a bit self indulgent ? (Well of course it is.. it's a party for us! lol) There won't be any formalities of speeches (just a thank you for coming)

What do people think when they get invited to this kind of thing? A chore or a good pissup?

OP posts:
reni2 · 10/12/2015 13:51

Just throw a normal party. Never been to an engagement party.

...it would only be renting a room in a social club/having a drink/buffet type of do, but I'm not sure if it's a bit self indulgent ?

You see, if you go to the registry office before for £100 or the church you can just make this the wedding, why wait?

Original poster
WhatstheT · 10/12/2015 14:03

You do realise that if you have more children you'll need to wait until they're old enough to be involved too?
Plus as child/children get older there will always be a more important need for the money.
Personally I'd go for a registry office wedding and your lovely sounding simple party.
It's not like there is an expectation that children are involved in their parents' wedding.

I didn't really ask for suggestions on what to do as an alternative... What we are doing re: wedding is what we want...

We also won't be having anymore children... hence us wanting our daughter to be a part of it. We know what we want in terms of a wedding, and we know why we want it in the future

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatstheT · 10/12/2015 14:05

Right I was asking about a party.. a celebration...

And people keep telling me when and how to have my wedding....

I know I asked for the advice... but It really wasn't a request for advice about our wedding. I was just explaining that it it wasn't as if we would be having the engagement party, to only get married a year later as I assumed there would be "just have the wedding" comments.

We don't want the wedding yet :)

OP posts:
FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 10/12/2015 14:06

Happy to go to them as long as I like the couple concerned enough to go to any party they were hosting. I've never been to one as 'big' as yours is planned to be though, only house do type things.

TeenAndTween · 10/12/2015 14:09

OK.

What I think of engagement parties, is that when you are already living together and already have a child, you should just skip them and have the wedding instead.

Which is effectively what I said before, only this time more blunt.
Is that better?

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 10/12/2015 14:11

Hmmm I think I retract the "I'd go" from first post. Like Fanny I would go if I liked the couple enough. That's a fairer statement. So go for it OP. If you invite people you love and who love you, which I'm sure you will, I'm sure they'll all come.

mouldycheesefan · 10/12/2015 14:12

The thing is, everyone at the engagement party will be doing the same as in this thread which is asking about your wedding. So if people asking about that gives you the huff you need to find another reason to satisfy your urge to have a buffet at a social club.

Original poster
WhatstheT · 10/12/2015 14:12

TeenAndTween

It's not really a "party or wedding situation" It's really a "Party or nothing until the time arises when we are ready for the wedding" situation.

All I was asking was what people thought of the kind of party I was suggesting... would they want to go or not, have they enjoyed similar...etc

So thank you for your comments... I just felt I didn't need telling what I should do instead.

Fanny - we have a house the size of a thimble, otherwise it would be a house thing... the room we book won't be particularly large :)

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MontyYouTerribleCunt · 10/12/2015 14:14

Steady on Tween. It's not like it's unheard of to live together before getting married (DH and I did) and it's not unusual for couples to have DCs before they get married. I know a good few people who have ended up doing this for whatever reason. Fwiw if it were me I'd probably go ahead and get married but the OP doesn't want to and that's completely fair enough and completely up to her and fiancé.

Original poster
WhatstheT · 10/12/2015 14:15

"So if people asking about that gives you the huff you need to find another reason to satisfy your urge to have a buffet at a social club."

People asking me about my wedding wouldn't "give me the huff"

People telling me when I should get married or why I should't wait for my daughter to grow up in case of subsequent children I'm not having give me "the huff"

I don't have an urge to satisfy for a buffet at a club, I was just trying to explain what kind of party it would be, i.e a cheap knees up at a social club, not a posh celebration with a gifts table and a sit down meal or anything. :)

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 10/12/2015 14:18

I think you will find that the topic of conversation at the engagement party will be the wedding. When it is, where it will be etc etc. and that may well cheese you off as you will have to explain your reasons for not organising your wedding over and over. Kinda takes the shine off.

In me time are you legally protected as if you were married?

Original poster
WhatstheT · 10/12/2015 14:19

"I think you will find that the topic of conversation at the engagement party will be the wedding. When it is, where it will be etc etc."

Been asked all that jestingly by a few people, but everyone knows it won't be a rush thing.. they know us. It won't be a surprise to them that the wedding will be a while off or that there are no details to give :)

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 10/12/2015 14:23

I would go Xmas Smile
If you had the party at the end of Jan/early Feb you could call it a combination 1st birthday/engagement/chance for everyone to get together.
My friends/family are quite relaxed about these things and would just enjoy a nice get together. It sounds like yours are similar Whats ?

TeenAndTween · 10/12/2015 14:23

Monty Yes you are right, absolutely the OP's choice.

But we were asked what we think of engagement parties. (At least that was the first question asked). I personally don't see any point in getting engaged without a clear short termish intention to get married. It seems rather pointless to me.

Also, how many times on here do we see stuff about unmarried partners getting the raw end of the deal when they have kids without the protection of marriage? So given the obvious intention to get married at some point (hence the engagement), and the fact they already have a DC, my view would be skip the engagement party.

OP. Sorry if I'm being a bit grumpy, I'm having an off day. I would maybe have been more constructive if the question had been phrased as 'We are having an engagement party. We're thinking of ....., would that sound nice?' without all the other info. In that case I would have said that I don't really like parties much but that yours sounded lovely. (Which I also did actually say in my first post)

Original poster
WhatstheT · 10/12/2015 14:24

CurbesideProphet

Think I might go with your plan and have a combination party. We'll be stopping in all Xmas and new years so we can catch up with all those who we haven't seen :)

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Original poster
WhatstheT · 10/12/2015 14:28

Why an engagement party thread would encourage people to talk about how quick I want to get married, children, and legal protection is beyond me, as if the only thing I've considered is the party.

Nope... we've considered everything, we know what we are doing and why, and we know why we are engaged...

Quite simply it was about a party.. and nothing more... I'm not a very social person so have never really hosted a party, but his family and our friends are and I thought it might be nice to celebrate for a change... but wasn't sure what people think of those kinds of doos.

Doesn't take long for things to escalate and over complicate on here into all sorts. Haven't been on in a while and completely forgot that. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatstheT · 10/12/2015 14:30

(I only said the wedding would be a while off in my OP because I assumed people would say "why have an engagement party and then have a wedding" So I thought I would display our reasoning for wanting a party, and not just waiting for the wedding)

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 10/12/2015 14:31

Good plan Xmas Smile
Renting a hall is definitely a lot easier than having people round!

Original poster
WhatstheT · 10/12/2015 14:35

Renting a hall is definitely a lot easier than having people round!

Aye, I don't fancy cleaning up the next day! :D We only live in a small terraced house, living room is crowded with 4 people!

OP posts:
TheVeryThing · 10/12/2015 14:36

Well, I didn't even get engaged let alone have an engagement party but I think you should go for it!

You have a lot to celebrate, with a new baby and getting engaged.

Life can be difficult and stressful at times and I'm a great believer in celebrating the good stuff, when it happens.

I'm sure people won't think you're looking for presents but you could always find a polite way of saying that on the invitations?

Floggingmolly · 10/12/2015 14:38

It's almost Christmas, just have a Christmas party...

Billing it as an engagement party really does look like you're touting for presents, particularly as it's almost a year after the event.

mouldycheesefan · 10/12/2015 14:38

Go for it then.

So you need to book the hall, organise the food, think about how much you want to put behind the bar and check what entertainment there is e.g disco, band or just background music. Job done.

reni2 · 10/12/2015 14:41

Dress it up as the grown up part of DD's birthday celebrations?

Original poster
WhatstheT · 10/12/2015 14:42

Billing it as an engagement party really does look like you're touting for presents, particularly as it's almost a year after the event.

I got engaged 2 weeks ago... (My baby was born in January if that's where you got the year from...)

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatstheT · 10/12/2015 14:44

It's almost Christmas, just have a Christmas party...

Both of us are working throughout Christmas. We won't be having any xmas parties with anyone else nevermind arranging our own lol.

OP posts: