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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I confront my mum without her blowing up?

58 replies

Confusedmomma · 10/12/2015 09:23

I Have two children. A 6 year old and a 11 week old baby. My mums always been a bit of a takeover when it came to my eldest. But since my second she's got worse. She constantly undermines me. She'll tell my eldest yes , when I've said no and has a massive smirk on her face doing so. If my eldest hurts themselves she tries shoving me out of the way too soothe my 6 year old. With the newborn she tried to give him chocolate the other day and I said no she argued back and forth for a few minutes then gave in , but said you wait until Christmas Day I'll be sneaking the baby some! With the newborn she'll snatch them of the dad whilst he's doing a feed or barge him out the way if he's trying to do a nappy change cause she wants to do it. She looks at my partner funny when he's holding the newborn and make remarks like " they don't like that stop it!" Or I wouldn't have done that too one of mine. Me and my OH are dreading christmas at my mums because of this , but my mum is one of them you can't say she's annoying you because she takes it personally and acts the victim and the water works will start. I just don't know how to basically say stop undermining me without a massive confrontation :(

OP posts:

Grumpyoldblonde · 10/12/2015 09:30

Well, you are going to have to confront her, waterworks or not. These are your children - not hers and she must be told. Don't pussyfoot around her feelings, she is trampling on yours, why do her feelings come first?
" I wouldn't have done this with one of mine " Well, mum - this is my child not yours.

Come on, she needs to be told, it wont get any better and you will years of this unless you stamp it out

LaurieFairyCake · 10/12/2015 09:31

It's her behaviour that's confrontational!

You need to really assert yourself (or see her less) if she's being this odious - she sounds dreadful

gamerchick · 10/12/2015 09:32

Id have the confrontation. I'd also tell her that if she doesn't pack it in I wouldn't be going for Christmas Day.

Hihohoho1 · 10/12/2015 09:32

Well stop seeing her. Stop letting her In. Stop contact and tell her you won't see her at Christmas.

Take control. You are the adult and the parent so protect your children.

She's unhinged.

MatildaTheCat · 10/12/2015 09:33

Why are you going if you are dreading it? Seriously, it's meant to be fun.

Chillyegg · 10/12/2015 09:34

I feel your pain I've had similar experience, I basically have had to do the whole confrontation thing. Everytime she tries to undermine you or your partner follow through with what your doing. Just say no to anything you disagree with. Other options would be to phase out how much you see her.

KeepOnMoving1 · 10/12/2015 09:34

Sounds tough, but she is a bully and manipulating you. And the way she shoves your dh out of the way is unacceptable. The victim card and waterworks are there to keep you not confronting her on it.
She needs to be firmly put in her place. This undermining of your parenting will cause serious problems with your kids as she will use them to get her way.

Junosmum · 10/12/2015 09:36

You'll need to put up with her tears, don't give in to them. You have right to assert yourself and she needs to listen. She needs to take it personally because it is personal-it's her behaviour. Tears are a form of manipulation. You need to say something like "I understand you are upset but your behaviour is not acceptable around us and the children. We want you to be involved but need you to respect our decisions and ways of caring for our children". Be firm and stick by it. She's been able to get away with this for far too long.

Berthatydfil · 10/12/2015 09:36

Stop seeing her - don't go to Christmas at hers stay at home and when she asks why say it's because you dont respect me as a parent.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 10/12/2015 09:36

Truth is you probably cant have the confrontation without her blowing up, but you need to do it anyway.

Why are you going over for Christmas if you're dreading it?

gamerchick · 10/12/2015 09:36

I know it can take a while to own being an adult and standing up to the ingrained stuff our parents install in us right from babyhood. Some people never manage it. The first time you do it your heart pounds and you feel sick as it just feels so unatural, but it does get easier the more you stand your ground.

cailindana · 10/12/2015 09:38

Who cares if she starts the waterworks? Let her.

If she can't behave, you don't see her. Simple.

LemonBreeland · 10/12/2015 09:39

You need to say something, and tough shit if she doesn't like it.

My Mum was not that bad but had this habit of undermining me when I told the DC off. He favourite was 'don't shout Lemon, it doesn't help'. I know shouting doesn't help, but sometimes it's the only way to get through to my DC when they aren't listening, not to mention I learned shouty parenting from her, so it is even more annoying. i exploded at her 5 years ago at Christmas when she did it. If she wanted to say something to me it should have been said afterwards not in front of my DC. The explosion came because I was 12 weeks pregnant with DC3 and rather hormonal. She didn't so it again for a long time. In fact it was this year, and again I had a go at her. Easier this time because I am older and less likely to put up with others crap.

Your Mum will not take this well, but you need to pull her up each and every time she does it. Particularly saying yes to a child you have said no to, that would seriously give me the rage.

LemonBreeland · 10/12/2015 09:41

gamerchick you are so right about owning being an adult. We can have that fear of disrespecting our parents for way too long.

Paintedhandprints · 10/12/2015 09:41

I would cancel Xmas at hers. Just put your foot down and laugh at her fake waterworks. Just have a think, is she really a good influence or positive person to have around your dc or yourself. I bet your dh hates her!

Original poster

Confusedmomma · 10/12/2015 09:41

Because if we don't go drama will start. She has a habit of manipulating me and the siblings. So if I don't show up she'd go mad and so would my siblings. But I know my partner won't keep quiet if my mum sneaks my youngest chocolate and I don't want a massive row breaking out. I know I need to confront her , I just don't know how without her twisting it and making herself look the victim.

OP posts:

mylittlemonkey · 10/12/2015 09:42

This is an awful situation to be in so i feel for you but the other posters are right. Unless you want years of being undermined and dreading every special occasion then you need to do something now.

Think about what you want to say in advance and then strongly make your points. If she won't accept them then just slowly reduce contact until she realises that she needs to stop this behaviour.

Good luck!

reni2 · 10/12/2015 09:42

Have Christmas at yours, you can see her for coffee on Boxing day. Tell her you are not going to endanger the newborn who she will feed chocolate to and it takes you days to calm down your 6 year old. Let the waterworks start, restate what you've said as if nothing happened. She is constantly confronting you and you worry about a massive confrontation? Be kind to yourself, your dh and dc are now your priority, if she fitted easily into this all would be fine and dandy, but she clearly has no intention to.

Hoppinggreen · 10/12/2015 09:43

You choices are confront and face her tantrum or don't and let things continue, you are going to have to pick one .
Might be worth doing in before Christmas Day though

Taylor22 · 10/12/2015 09:43

Your OH must be a saint for not blowing up at her!!
You have got to grow a pair and sort her out. The easiest way to do it is to tell her that due to her behaviour you will not be joining her xmas day. Why should your Oh have to put up with that? Doesn't he deserve to enjoy seeing his children on Christmas with your mother ruining it?
She is emotionally manipulating you. You might not be able to make her see or change but you can defiantly control the effect she has on your family.

Mordirig · 10/12/2015 09:44

I feel awful for you, but how absolutely horrible for your DH to be told he's holding his children wrong! How would you feel if your MIL was like this to you and your DH just ignored her or didn't confront her about her out of order behaviour?
Not only is she undermining you but she will end up confusing the children by saying yes to things you've said no to and they will end up not respecting you and it will erode at your relationship.
YOU have to do this, YOU have to put her in her place, SHE is not the mother here YOU are so ignore the crocodile tears, they are fake, she uses them to make you give in to her, you've probably been conditioned to just,,, give in over the years but seriously grow a bit of attitude and tell her she is not welcome in your house if she can't stick to YOUR rules for YOUR children.

Grumpyoldblonde · 10/12/2015 09:44

Let her twist it! Let her be upset, these are your kids for heavens sake. She is wrong no matter what she says and this could have serious repurcussions on our relationship with your OH in future. If she goes mad so what? Just don't go

Anniegetyourgun · 10/12/2015 09:44

She tried to give chocolate to your 11 week old? She's not just difficult, she sounds a bit dangerous. When I had my DC weaning was done much earlier, around three months, and the foods were often more sugary, but giving actual sweets to a small baby - what planet?

cailindana · 10/12/2015 09:45

She can only manipulate you if you allow yourself to be manipulated. Let her go mad - who cares?? You are a mum now, you have kids depending on you and you can't be pandering to an idiotic adult who uses tears to get her own way (even if that adult is your mother).

No need for confrontation, just tell her you're not happy with her behaviour and you need some time away from her. If she wants to talk about it and if she wants to change she knows where you are.

Whatdoidohelp · 10/12/2015 09:47

Stand up for yourself. Your eldest will soon realise that mummy can be walked all over. Is that what you want?

Have it out, be factual though. Tears or no tears it needs done.

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