How do I confront my mum without her blowing up?

[Confusedmomma]

I Have two children. A 6 year old and a 11 week old baby. My mums always been a bit of a takeover when it came to my eldest. But since my second she's got worse. She constantly undermines me. She'll tell my eldest yes , when I've said no and has a massive smirk on her face doing so. If my eldest hurts themselves she tries shoving me out of the way too soothe my 6 year old. With the newborn she tried to give him chocolate the other day and I said no she argued back and forth for a few minutes then gave in , but said you wait until Christmas Day I'll be sneaking the baby some! With the newborn she'll snatch them of the dad whilst he's doing a feed or barge him out the way if he's trying to do a nappy change cause she wants to do it. She looks at my partner funny when he's holding the newborn and make remarks like " they don't like that stop it!" Or I wouldn't have done that too one of mine. Me and my OH are dreading christmas at my mums because of this , but my mum is one of them you can't say she's annoying you because she takes it personally and acts the victim and the water works will start. I just don't know how to basically say stop undermining me without a massive confrontation :(

It took me until I was 40. I was depressed and my counsellor made me read Dance of Anger and told me I was not depressed.

I just had a controlling mother who called the shots and a father who did everything to give her what she wanted.

They are your children and your OH should be able to parent how you see fit, and be supported in that. She has had her go with her own children, but it is now your go - you need a good relationship with your children so that you do not feel you missed out and can give them good support when they are your age. Children do not stay young forever, but they are still your children.

She may have had this done to her, but if she missed out because of it, it is not your job to make up for it. You need a supportive parent and standing up to her will give her the chance to become one (or not).

I know my maternal grandmother was very controlling and pushed my DF out and he is still bitter about this at nearly 80. Don't let that happen to your DP.

I think things change when you realise you are there to fulfil your responsibilities to your children and not to please your mother.

As hard as it is you do need to confront her on this. I've just finally confronted my own mother on similar matters regarding my children,my home, my relationship and our lifestyle. It's the first time I've actually stood up to her and we'll as to be excepted it's gone down like a lead balloon. I'm the bad guys, while she plays the victim to anyone and everyone who will listen. To be honest I'm not that bothered I'm much happier not having her negativity around me and my family. You need to do what's best for you and your family. It will be hard but in the long run it will be better for your family!

I can't improve on what PPs have already said about the need to confront her; she's not going to change willingly, so you can either accept this for the rest of your life or act decisively now to stop it

However, concerning the reaction from other family/friends, you might not find it's a bad as you think. When I finally went NC with my ex MIL I dreaded this, knowing the bile she was spitting about me, but I was surprised to find nearly everyone was absolutely fine

Turned out I'd done them an awful injustice and they'd realised a great deal more than I'd given them credit for ...

I wonder if you can talk with your siblings and get them onside. More than one of you standing together will show your mother that unless she changes how she behaves she will lose you all, as none are prepared to put up with her behaviour. It's very hard when you've all been bullied for so long.

The bottom line is not seeing the DGC if she can't respect you and your right to parent as you wish.

If your six year old used tears as a mode of manipulating you and her father into doing things she wanted, you wouldn't put up with it, so why put up with it from your mother?

"has a massive smirk on her face doing so"
So she knows damned fine what she's doing .

Fuck her, have the confrontation ASAP.

I don't think you need to bring you're siblings into it. That just triangulating the whole thing and gives them reasons to take sides.
It's your mother and you just need to be firm with her and ask her to leave if she doesn't listen (this will probably happen). You are not obliged to have a fight or scream with her about it (trust me emotions run high) stay calm, and keep it simple. Don't email or give her a letter about how you feel or what happens when she .... Trust me this backfires and feels to them like they have more reason to be the victim ("look at what she is saying about me ..." "how dare you..." "Why do you say this here in this paragraph" Blah blah it drags it out) and it gives them a reason to become the dominating mother again and try and get you under her thumb.
Keep it simple and be firm.
That's all. Best of luck