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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a present to one child and not the other

94 replies

TopHat33 · 08/12/2015 18:38

Im going to visit an old friend before Christmas - we've known each other a long time, exchange birthday and Christmas presents and meet up about once a year (live opposite ends of the country).

I have no children and she has two - a three year old DD and 11 month old DS. I have a little gift I'd love to give to her DD but don't really see anything the DS would want or need. AIBU to just give the present to her DD who will be excited by it?? It's just a small thing but I'm worried that 'I'm visiting before Christmas and here's a wrapped gift for you and one for DD' will make her think I'm ignoring her baby (I sent a card and gift when he was born). I obvs don't buy for her DH either. I'm not trying to be - and really don't want to look - mean...Im sure when DS is older I'll spot something he'd like to and I love giving gifts to small children - but don't really see the point for babies and don't want and can't afford to spend money just for the sake of it.

OP posts:
KeepOnMoving1 · 08/12/2015 18:53

You can find a small toy or even some chocolate for the little one. I think it would be mean to leave one out.

Original poster
TopHat33 · 08/12/2015 18:54

And yes sushi I think thats it. But will get something on the lines others have suggested (these are only small few pounds gifts anyway and happy to buy and give to children at Christmas, just felt unsure whether should for such a LO).

OP posts:
Senpai · 08/12/2015 18:55

They sell little soft toys at pound land. Just get him something small, it doesn't need to be in the same price range.

11 months old is young enough to get excited about the novelty of a new thing, but not old enough to care what that thing is.

Obviously the 11 month old will have no concept of gifts yet. But the mother and 3 year old will. I would get it to teach 3yo DD that both children are equally important and to the mother to show you're supporting her.

LynetteScavo · 08/12/2015 18:56

I have family who think this kind of thing is OK. It's not. Especially on lots of little occasions over the years. They build up, and even if the kids don't seem to care, the parents will. They will start to see you as a complete idiot.

An 11 months old will be able to unwrap and look at a board book. The present isn't about you, and what you like to give, it's about the person, and what they'd like to receive. And in this case, anything would be better than nothing.

but don't really see the point for babies I used to know someone who had this attitude to saying hello to babies. Hmm They may not be able so say "hello" back, but they love being interacted with.

sweetsomethings · 08/12/2015 19:00

I agree that the lady that said the parents were chuffed she only bought th older child present . I would expect that they were saying something totally different behind your back

Original poster
TopHat33 · 08/12/2015 19:00

iwantanewcar they're better off than me and I think would find a fiver a bit weird. As in 'why are you putting a fiver in an envelope??' though they are lovely and wouldn't say. So small gift of bib or socks def a good plan.

OP posts:
squidzin · 08/12/2015 19:02

Lol. As you don't have a baby yourself, I do understand how may have no idea what to get for one! but by 11 months they really are developing motor and social skills. They like bright colours, things they can bang together or stack up, it's easy to find something small for a baby like that.

I don't think u r being mean at all as I have done stuff like that through worrying and being in a rush.

The mum is guaranteed to notice though if u only buy for one of her children. Guaranteed. She may not say anything but she will notice.

ghostspirit · 08/12/2015 19:03

i would never buy for one and not the other. primark... maybe some mittens and a hat? 3.00 for the set

Original poster
TopHat33 · 08/12/2015 19:04

lynette I obviously don't underappreciate this family and their children who I go to see each year (and sent presents when babies were born and love interacting with their children) was just unsure about age and what or if to buy. As I said, when the DS is a little older I'll be spotting things I know he'll like but just unsure atm, hence the post.

OP posts:
triceratops1066 · 08/12/2015 19:05

I think a bright 11 month old might realise that they have not got something :-)

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 08/12/2015 19:06

Okay, Tophat has said she will buy a gift for the baby.
Problem now solved.
You sound lovely and thoughtful, TopHat.
Merry Christmas Flowers Xmas Grin

Original poster
TopHat33 · 08/12/2015 19:09

And so now the only member of the family I'm not getting a gift for is the (lovely) DH. I assume that's ok but AIBU??

OP posts:
abbieanders · 08/12/2015 19:11

They will start to see you as a complete idiot.

Heaven forfend! Definitely buy all these lovely people's children gifts.

SaucyJack · 08/12/2015 19:18

You can get some quite nice branded books in Poundland if you're lucky. We got our one year old a couple of a Timmy Time board books which she loves.

LynetteScavo · 08/12/2015 19:20

If you're not getting the DH a gift (I never get my friends DH's gifts) then you get a family present, such as a box of chocs/biscuits/plant as well as the individual gifts.

LynetteScavo · 08/12/2015 19:21

But going by my DH, he won't care less.

But I would be mortified if someone missed out one of my DC, even if they are over-generous to the same DC at other times. It still stings.

Original poster
TopHat33 · 08/12/2015 19:22

Thanks evans Xmas Smile to you too!

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 08/12/2015 19:25

I would expect that they were saying something totally different behind your back

I don't see why...it was a random impromptu gift to a friend's child.

I've also given one niece something and not to the others. Then another time I've given to that niece and not to the others, etc. It depends on whether or not I see something I think they will like. It works out in balance. The kids knew I wasn't treating any child differently. If I had the pressure of buying a gift for all the kids every time then I probably wouldn't have got the random gifts.

Original poster
TopHat33 · 08/12/2015 19:26

Yes Lynette I think you're right and was already thinking of making part of my friends gift a big tin of chocolate biscuits or similar. Though tbh when I visit I normally take a box of chocolates/flowers anyway outside of Christmas presents (I'm visiting for afternoon tea and catch up so not dinner party scenario and DH not there as at work)

OP posts:
Blacktealeaves · 08/12/2015 19:28

I would buy something small for the baby. Even something £1 as suggested.

GreenTomatoJam · 08/12/2015 19:30

Depends on the 11 month old - some are still babies and wouldn't notice, some are already small children and will raise hell....

I think some chocolate coins to share would be a good compromise, in case the baby is of the latter type.

SoupDragon · 08/12/2015 19:30

Personally, I woudn't buy an 11 month old chocolate.

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/12/2015 19:31

Take a board book, one of the "that's not my .." Ones maybe. Only £5/6 and my DS loves ggem

abbieanders · 08/12/2015 19:32

WHAT ABOUT THE GUINEA PIG?

Janeymoo50 · 08/12/2015 19:32

Yes, do get something for him, the Christmas bowl/bib set in ASDA is £4.