To dislike the term 'PFB'

[MontyYouTerribleCunt]

So I think I might BU about this as I see it so frequently on MN that I think I must be misreading something to find it a bit annoying.

For the record I have 1 DC. There is a distinct possibility I will only ever have 1 DC. It is probably why I am a bit touchy about the term 'PFB'. It is usually used ime to describe someone who has only 1 DC who is perceived to be precious about them (kind of as it says on the tin - precious first born). Why bring up how many DCs someone has? If they are being precious they are being precious. It's a little unfair imo to say that is because they only have 1 DC.

Similarly I hate the "wait till you have 2" type comments I sometimes get in RL as if I couldn't possibly understand parenting till I've had another DC. I also don't get the pride some people take in maybe being a little bit slacker with some things with their subsequent DCs. Not so much on here (though occasionally), but more in RL I hear comments like "oh with George our first born we put up stair gates and fed him fruit, with Tabetha we just let her sleep in the kennel and eat KFC for breakfast" (massive exaggeration but you know what I mean). Fine, if that's the case I don't care how you raise your DCs (unless you're actually being cruel or something). I understand it must be a very different ball game with more than 1 DC and I'm sure everyone has to do things in order to adjust and cope, but I really hate the insinuation that I only parent the way I parent because I have 1. I don't think that's true actually (though I may never have another so may never find out), and I don't think I'm precious. I know plenty of parents who are more or less the same with all their DCs and always have been.

AIBU? Quite possibly.

Maybe we should have an acronym to describe the behaviours you're expecting from your baby while pregnant: PUP (Perfect Unborn Person)? Any other suggestions ?

Well, maybe helicoptering and fussing over your first child is a positive thing anyway.
www.todaysparent.com/blogs/run-at-home-mom/helicopter-parenting-linked-to-depression-in-young-adults/

I think sometimes how many DC you have is relevant.

I find in RL, my friends who only have one will give out blanket advice as though it's fact because it worked for their child.

I had a big gap between mine and used to think that if you said no to a child and was firm they would listen. I never got kids stropping. Because dd didn't when I said no.

Then I had ds and realised that actually it's not always as easy as saying no. Ds isn't like dd at all.

For a while I honestly thought dd was so well behaved because I patented her correct. Turns out I was wrong.

Everyone's set up will give them a different perspective.

I was far more uptight with dd. We went to party the other night (for the kids hobby) and all the kids were running round. When I had dd I would have had to have eyes on her at all times. We went to a party when she was little in the same place it was awful as I just followed her round.

At this one I just let ds get on with it. We all had a good time, rather than the kids having a good time and me running about after the not talking to anyone all night.

I hold my hands up I was pfb. I am far less pfb about my first since having the second.

But I dot take it as an insult so it didn't bother me.

PFB Thread Link

Enjoy the read!

For a while I honestly thought dd was so well behaved because I patented her correct. Turns out I was wrong.

I thought I was a great parent until DS1 joined his elder brother in the family. Dd arrived a few years later and I realised that I needed a third way of parenting.

I think that even with 1 child you realise, looking back, that some things you did were slightly bonkers.

I look back on my PFB days fondly as they were days when I knew everything about parenting and wasn't so jaded. I love spotting other people's PFBness as it dminds me of simpler days when I wasn't ferrying two hulking teenage boys and a stroppy 10 year old girl about. I never view it as a negative thing.

crumpet that thread is hilarious I'm feeling slightly like I must be a cold hearted bitch because I haven't done any of those things with DS. He gets his dummies rinsed under the tap, the cats lick him, his own bedroom so I can get some sleep and I make his bottles in advance. Oh and I put kids TV on. Clearly I'm terrible

I think it's precious first born, because for a lot of people, the first time they do something they are less confident, more anxious about getting it wrong etc. I don't read the term at all as being sneery about those who on!y have one child. In a way, the first just emphasises the fact that you're doing everything for the first time and when /if you go on to have more children then you might not doubt yourself so much. I think you're hearing it as precious only child, which isn't what's meant imo.

I also generally see it as a bit self-deprecating. I'm happy to admit I was a bit pfb. I just look back and laugh at myself.

I agree that people who make comments about being superior due to having more children are just daft and insensitive. Ignore them.

I do think you parent the way you do ^because^ you only have one child though. Surely the number of children we have affects our parenting, just the same as the type of person we are,the personalities of our children, the way we were parented ourselves etc etc all affect the way we parent.

I do think you parent the way you do because you only have one child though

Thanks; a few people have said this now and I agree with you actually. I do parent differently as I don't have the same pressures / family dynamic as parents of multiples. I guess that can be a positive thing in some circumstances though, so will remember that before I get annoyed by another "wait till you have two" type comment and will refrain from yelling "you mean IF I have two".

I don't see it that way. I see it as more of a comradely, "we've all been there done that, and it's understandable... but..." comment.

For me if I'd stopped after dd1 I'd have thought I had perfect parenting. We could go to the theatre with her at a year, and she'd just sit on my lap fingering a lift the flap book.
After dd2 I'd have thought I basically knew what I was doing.
After ds I know it's total fluke and I know nothing.

I always say if I'd had them in the opposite order at least I could have thought I was getting better at this parenting business.

I do think you parent the way you do because you only have one child though

I agree

I also think that people parent how they do because they have that child/ those children.

My DB got told off by SIL because he kept insisting I try getting DS2 to eat in a certain way. I'd already told him several times that the techniques we'd used for DS1 (which he'd also used for his DS) did not work for DS2 but he went on and on and on about it.

I'd politely shrugged and said all DC are different but he didn't get it.

We parent DS2 differently to DS1 because he is a different child, and our situation is different.

I see it as a state of mind. I only have one DC who is now 5yo but I look back on some things in the first year and think 'god I was so PFB about that'.

I know full well I'd do a lot of stuff differently, or rather would worry a lot less!

I love the PFB threads. I still think about the poster who cut the arms off a babygro as they thought the baby was too hot but didn't want to risk waking it (I wasn't THAT bad)

I was absolutely bonkers sometimes about my PFB, I look back and just .

Nothing is more important and nothing else will be the focus of your attention in the same way. The only thing that could distract me from DS' needs was the arrival of DD.

If he had been an only child he would have had my undivided attention for longer but I'm sure I would still have chilled out a bit as he got older.

PFB should be an insult, more a term of endearment.

..shouldn't - obviously!

i would have hated to have been talked about regarding pfb and etc etc. would have made me feel worse than i did.

until everyone can buy hindsight first time parents will often be more nervous. allegedly. etc.

And the point is that every parent has been a first time parent and can recognise it.

Dp and I have been really relaxed first time parents with no real assumptions. We are both fully aware that what happens with one child is not necessarily going to happen with another. I have found the "wait until you have another" and unsolicited advice really irritating. I've found the commenters to be a lot more preachy and "you must do this to get her to sleep." "You must have another child" "you must do this to get her to eat". It's not been us seeing dd do something good and praising our achievements, it's more been that people (dp's family) think our dd isn't doing what she should be/what their kids did and instead of acknowledging all children are different, insist we are doing things wrong. They've massively shut up since realising how much more relaxed we are about things then any of them were and how we are happy doing things our own way.

So in summary...YANBU!