To dislike the term 'PFB'

[MontyYouTerribleCunt]

So I think I might BU about this as I see it so frequently on MN that I think I must be misreading something to find it a bit annoying.

For the record I have 1 DC. There is a distinct possibility I will only ever have 1 DC. It is probably why I am a bit touchy about the term 'PFB'. It is usually used ime to describe someone who has only 1 DC who is perceived to be precious about them (kind of as it says on the tin - precious first born). Why bring up how many DCs someone has? If they are being precious they are being precious. It's a little unfair imo to say that is because they only have 1 DC.

Similarly I hate the "wait till you have 2" type comments I sometimes get in RL as if I couldn't possibly understand parenting till I've had another DC. I also don't get the pride some people take in maybe being a little bit slacker with some things with their subsequent DCs. Not so much on here (though occasionally), but more in RL I hear comments like "oh with George our first born we put up stair gates and fed him fruit, with Tabetha we just let her sleep in the kennel and eat KFC for breakfast" (massive exaggeration but you know what I mean). Fine, if that's the case I don't care how you raise your DCs (unless you're actually being cruel or something). I understand it must be a very different ball game with more than 1 DC and I'm sure everyone has to do things in order to adjust and cope, but I really hate the insinuation that I only parent the way I parent because I have 1. I don't think that's true actually (though I may never have another so may never find out), and I don't think I'm precious. I know plenty of parents who are more or less the same with all their DCs and always have been.

AIBU? Quite possibly.

There is a distinct possibility I will only ever have 1 DC. It is probably why I am a bit touchy about the term 'PFB'

Probably, TBH, but that's understandable. We're all touchy about something.

It's a silly, OTT comedy expression anyway, but useful.

I always thought it was a bit tongue in cheek.

And self-depreciating, when you realise after the fact that you were over-protective.

I've also seen PSB (Precious Second Born) and PLB (Precious Last Born).

I think it started out as a kind of "we've all been there" kind of phrase, but some people use it as an attack, especially when they feel their parenting is being attacked, or they're defending a style of parenting that might be controversial... For example, my aunt recently accused me of being PFB because I refused to use controlled crying as she suggested because she did with my cousin. I pointed out the bad points and was dubbed PFB...

I'd never thought of it like that but now you've pointed it out I won't use it. All dc are precious and actually for various reasons I'm much more precious about Dc2!

Best wishes to you OP. I hope you end up with the number of ec you want

YABU I'm afraid. There was a wonderful thread - will see if I can find it in Classiscs- of PFB behaviour, ranging from the mnetter who carefully installed a stairgate across the single step in her flat, to the parents who took a practice flight from London to Manchester, to check how PFB took to flying, in advance of their real holiday...

PFB doesn't refer to the number of children at all.

It refers to the way you parent with a new child if you have never had one before. Much the way you would drive a new car if you'd never had a new car before, worry over a kitten if you'd never had a kitten before. Second kitten around, you'd realise that it doesn't matter if it gets a bit wet outside, so you'd relax (I know nothing about kittens, so don't stick your kitten outside on my say-so!).

I have a friend who is PFB about both of hers. I was PFB about ours until I ran out of energy! Like Devora says, it is the exhaustion that forces you to drop your standards.

I'm worried you are worrying about this - enjoy your first born and the high standards you probably have - I too would have higher standards if I wasn't so bloody tired all the time!

to the parents who took a practice flight from London to Manchester

Why on earth?

You're projecting just a wee bit, I think. PFB can be used to describe mothers of 1-infinity children.

I have a very loved only DS as well, and despite my best efforts will most likely remain my one and only...and I do get the uneasiness when people just expect you to instantly produce a sibling if you've already had one. The hyperfertility of MN-ers is amazing, to be honest, but having "just" one doesn't make you any less of a mother.

Thinking about it, surely if it was an attack on parents of only children it would be a POC? Precious Only Child?!

Lighten up FGS

Parents do tend to be more "idealistic" about parenting their first child than subsequent children (I had a friend who wouldn't give her first child ketchup due to the sugar content, but then she had twins and I remember her giving them a sugar sachet each to keep them quiet when she was on the phone ).

I use the term in reference to myself at least as often as I do about others.

Anyway, it's better than "Is this your first child, OP?"

Oh god no I definitely don't think it's an attack on parents of only children. Sorry if I gave that impression. More that people maybe don't realise that your first born might also be your last and the label precious becomes permanently attached by default.bbi see people asking a lot on MN "Is this your PFB?". Well yes technically DD is.

But yes I am definitely touchy and overthinking this.

Thanks for all your posts though. Has given me a bit of perspective.

Haha x post Keyser!

Because it was a PFB TaliZorah!

Can't do the link on phone, but that thread is in classics: Your Top PFB Moments. Some mad behaviour there.

Exactly Speederman

It has nothing to do with the amount of children.

CakeMountain describes it well with the first car/kitten scenario.

Oh I get you (light dawning - am slow this morning).

Why precious first? rather than precious second etc? Good question. i think it must rest with the assumption that the first time you do it all you (not you personally - parents generally) over think everything. Which means that there is an assumption you think less with a second etc.

It turned out in my case I over thought both times (plus second baby had actual problems and therefore my horizons expanded to cover a whole host of possible medical issues and then some).

I do think you can be PFB with subsequent children for a myriad of reasons. SO yes maybe we should rename it Overprotective Bonkers Parenting.

The baby shampoo in eyes story did make me laugh

34 weeks pregnant with DC2 and have every intention of being PSB. There is nothing I did or didn't do with DS that I won't tried to do (or not do) this time. I'll be more confident in myself but the decisions will be the same.

I don't believe you can have a true understanding what being PFB means until you have subsequent children.

Monty - Since having your DC have you come across any pregnant first time parents and chatted to them about their expectations? When they tell you things like "Oh we've decided baby is going to sleep in a low base travel cot in the corner of our room during the night and sleep in his own room cot during the day". (as though baby will just sleep when/where the parents decide). Do you never think things like Yeah right, you have no idea what's to come do you?

PFB is the same kind of thing. You can't really understand it until you can look back with hindsight.

When I had my first, I didn't watch TV when breastfeeding because watching TV is bad for kids , right? God, I can't believe I was such a dick!! With DC2 I watched all 8 series of Masterchef before she was a week old- lol

I think you are overthinking it a bit. There is no doubt that almost all parents are a bit more relaxed if they have another child; you have to be because you've got an older one to worry about.
For example, I never gave dc1 a ready made pouch, I used to take the bottles out the steriliser with tweezers (!) to avoid dirt, I used to count the ounces she had drunk and stress if it was any less than 2.5 x her body weight.
With number 2 I simply didn't have time to get worked up, having realised that it didn't make a difference. I was being pfb- it's not a derogatory thing it's just common to be more uptight when a new parent.

crumpet going to have a look! Sounds funny

Maybe I don't understand FATE, as I don't have more than 1 DC. As I may never have any subsequent DCs I may never understand, but that's something I'll just have to live with tbh.

I also might think the sort of thing you describe when pg friends say things like that, but I would never come out and say it tbh. I just smile and nod. I get what you mean though, it's just an understandable part of being pg. You plan these things and they often don't turn out anything like the way you planned. Most of my friends are sensible enough to know that not much is guaranteed when you have a newborn baby.

That said I have been wrong. I remember a friend airily saying exactly what was going to happen at her perfect birth birth (hypnobirth, breathing the baby out in water etc). I thought hmm that's probably not going to happen, (but was supportive obviously). Her birth went EXACTLY as planned, so that so shut me up!

Sorry - not the point of the thread!

I can't find that thread on my phone if anyone can link it that'd be great

Well, maybe helicoptering and fussing over your first child is a positive thing anyway.

There's lots of evidence that first borns as a group do better in life than subsequent children.... Higher IQ, better academically, earn more money, achieve more.

Just a thought!

I don't think hindsight is dependant on subsequent children.