To dislike the term 'PFB'

[MontyYouTerribleCunt]

So I think I might BU about this as I see it so frequently on MN that I think I must be misreading something to find it a bit annoying.

For the record I have 1 DC. There is a distinct possibility I will only ever have 1 DC. It is probably why I am a bit touchy about the term 'PFB'. It is usually used ime to describe someone who has only 1 DC who is perceived to be precious about them (kind of as it says on the tin - precious first born). Why bring up how many DCs someone has? If they are being precious they are being precious. It's a little unfair imo to say that is because they only have 1 DC.

Similarly I hate the "wait till you have 2" type comments I sometimes get in RL as if I couldn't possibly understand parenting till I've had another DC. I also don't get the pride some people take in maybe being a little bit slacker with some things with their subsequent DCs. Not so much on here (though occasionally), but more in RL I hear comments like "oh with George our first born we put up stair gates and fed him fruit, with Tabetha we just let her sleep in the kennel and eat KFC for breakfast" (massive exaggeration but you know what I mean). Fine, if that's the case I don't care how you raise your DCs (unless you're actually being cruel or something). I understand it must be a very different ball game with more than 1 DC and I'm sure everyone has to do things in order to adjust and cope, but I really hate the insinuation that I only parent the way I parent because I have 1. I don't think that's true actually (though I may never have another so may never find out), and I don't think I'm precious. I know plenty of parents who are more or less the same with all their DCs and always have been.

AIBU? Quite possibly.

I can see what you mean, I am not keen on the phrase either. I thought the same when I only had one dc but now I have two you do change the way you parent. You have to. Although this does depend on your age gap. So if you did have another dc I think you ll find it likely you do change the way you parent and you ll look back on this thread and cringe slightly.

I don't mind it, my FB is incredibly precious to me. I don't mind being told I'm being precious about him because obviously he is the most precious thing to me in the whole entire world! I get that not everybody else would agree and I get that some people might think I worry too much but really, how does it affect them? If they want to come up with a little phrase to describe it, whether meant well or as a put-down then I don't care because I am still going to do what I'm going do.

No idea if I would be different with a second baby, should I be lucky enough to have one, but I expect I would be all PSB about them!

I get where you are coming from OP. The inclusion of "precious" implies that the parent treats their ickle darling as a special snowflake, even if you don't.
Also like you I only had one child for almost a decade and people saying "oo, if you had two you'd see what hard work really is, you wouldn't bother with sleep training/5 a day (delete as applicable), bla bla.. etc" used to really get on my tits.
Though I now have a second and admit to being much more laid back this time.
I may be alone in this but just putting it out there that I also hate all this DH/DS/DS business. Of course they are "D". They are your bloody family! What's wrong with saying husband/son/daughter or even just H/S/D?

I was so bloody uptight about DC1 and thought my behaviour was totally normal. I had PND and was completely obsessive about everything to do with her as it was a way of stopping everything falling to pieces. I'd rather laugh about that time and say she was PFB rather than my PND being made into the monstroys thing We Do Not Talk About, which some members of my family were treating it as.

Of course once I recovered and she was into the toddler years she was practically feral

First babies can certainly make parents more precious. With DS1, so far as I was concerned no-one else in the world could be trusted to look after the wonder child properly except DH and, at a pinch, my mother. Then financial pressure forced me back to work and I realised that actually he was having quite a lot of fun with the other children at the childminder's. So I waltzed back to work relatively easily when I had DS2.

Maybe it's just an extension of the need that some parents have for competitive oneupmanship. You're pregnant? You think it's hard now, wait till it's born/here/teething/toddler/starting school/teenager.

Not everyone does it, but when somebody does it's intensely irritating and sticks with you.

Which MNetter admitted to putting baby shampoo into her own eyes to see if it really was 'no-sting'?

PFB is a useful term for over-the-top worries, and when I see it it used kindly (the sort of moments to laugh fondly about later).

Twats, OTOH, will use any phrase twattishly. It's not because of the phrase, but because of the user. And on a huge open internet site, you can't regulate who posts here.

And yeah, parents of multiples can say annoying things. My gran (mother of 11) said to me when I got my 2nd: "You're not a real mother till you get two". My eyeballs were rolling so hard they nearly slipped out of my nose.

"Of course they are "D""

Yes, it's a useful letter: darling, dratted, dog-breathed, damned, dear, drippy ...

Very established MN usage and one of the marks of the community.

Also I think the term pfb is insulting. It implies the parent is being silly which I think is wrong. It's a put down

I wore my PFB badge with pride.

I got "just you wait" comments come all my life. At primary school when the times tables are hard "just you wait until senior school". Same at college, about the first job, living alone, marriage, old age...

It's not the term that's wrong, though it can be used twattishly. It is a useful term to denote behaviour that is indeed silly. My favourite threads are the ones where posters own their own PFB behaviour.

Like: I was in a large bookshop reading to my toddler, and another toddler joined us for the story. When I'd finished I took her round the shelves to find her mother, and said to her rather snottily "I've been looking after your child" (yes I know, UTTER twat). She smiled pleasantly and said, "You've only got the one, haven't you? I've got three. You're happy for them to play in the traffic by the time you've got three".

That was not me being careful. That was me being a PFB twat.

I've always thought of it as excellent shorthand - I'm certain I've had my PFB moments, things that we think are important but come to learn aren't really.

I think it's meant as gentle ribbing rather than with any malicious intent. It certainly isn't exclusive to parents of single children.

I think 'pfb' behaviour can be most often seen before a baby reaches a certain age or milestone - so the idea that when my dd is weaning I would only give the freshest, healthiest of home made delights - until she reached that stage and I would inevitably compromise on what I thought, or that I'd not let my teenage dd have a boyfriend to stay overnight - until she was in her later teens and I inevitably compromised on that.

But I hate the way that phrases like 'pfb' are used indiscriminately and in a sometimes judgemental way against parents who are just trying to do their best.

I thought it meant how batshit crazy you can be post birth. The sterlising wobbles, the ironed vests that last ten minutes until the next giant poo, the constant gazing at poos (hhhhmmm what does that colour mean??), the constant monitoring of weight, the panic over germ riddled softplay centres.

I was after the birth of my son and even worse after my daughter (combined with PND).

Honestly the way I behaved you would have thought that nobody in the whole world had ever had a baby or had two.

I have relaxed. That or they have just worn me down.

I dont think I have ever used it in reference to parents of a single child.

My DH is very much a 'PFB'. I call him it when he is behaving in a particularly precious way. His mum absolutely cosseted/ruined him (as the whole family verify/tease him about), to the point that he was always given preferential treatment even long after he left home. Any hopes he had that this would be replicated have been long shattered, but he takes it on the chin. He's very lovely mostly though!

I don't think I would call a child that - all babies are 'precious' (as they should be).

PFB is nothing to do with a parent having ONE child.

Every new parent has the potential to be PFB even if they go on to have 10 children.

As for "wait until you have 2" - well remember how much life changed when you had PFB, and how most of us engage in a steep learning curve, and just when you think you've nailed something, it's all change and a whole new set of challenges etc? Well when you have a 2nd child it is a whole new ballgame and while some stuff is very much the same the parenting experience IS totally different with a 2nd child. And many of the things you can easily do with one child are more difficult if not impossible with 2 or more.

I really hate the insinuation that I only parent the way I parent because I have 1 Well you may hate it but there is most likely a massive amount of truth in this "insinuation".

Yes I am the very same parent with 2, but life would be very different and I would parent differently if I only had one child. For a start I wouldn't spend an entire morning trying to prevent a 4yo and 8yo from tearing each other to pieces as was my misfortune this morning (thankfully not a regular occurance).

Seriously, OP it's not all about you.

But sometimes they are being silly. That special sort of silly that comes with being a new parent.

The example I remember most clearly was the mother of a 3 month old baby being outraged that her SiL let her (slightly older) baby play with her baby's toys. She was worried about germs and couldn't understand why the other baby couldn't just play with her own toys. That's PFB. Most of us have been there.

I disagree Devora having 3 won't make me any less careful with mine. More tired maybe but no less careful.

Yabu. I only had one child for a long time, however I was only PFB about her for a few months before I realised she would lick Pram wheels, snog her baby friends at nursery and that life was just so much easier if I didn't have a stress attack because we missed bed time by ten minutes.

I do now have a second but I wasn't PFB with my first past her first birthday. And my second has had to slot in with school runs, bed time whenever etc so having a second is a different experience in many ways. I also dare t say a better experience in my life as I was so stressed about things first time round that I can't be stressed about this time.

People who use it against parents of single children are probably assuming that it's the arrival of another child that forces you to get over yourself. They are wrong. It's sheer exhaustion, not enough hours in the day, and the intrusion of external factors that sort you out.

It's as much competitive parenting, isn't it, in the 'my baby is the most amazing in the world and everyone else's babies/needs must come second'. The 'I don't give DC sweets, so I am a better parent'

You misunderstand, Jw35. PFB isn't being careful of your children; it's being outraged and snotty about other people's perfectly legitimate parenting choices.

To the posts saying it's not about being the patent of a single child and that new parents to subsequent DCs can also be PFB, why is it precious first born then? Just curious about that.

Maybe I will wear it as a badge of honour from now on as you say you did reni. I have definitely seen it used on AIBU as an insult (and not in a particularly funny, we've all been there, gentle banter way), though never directed at me (yet). If anyone does, perhaps I'll say "thanks for the compliment"!

I just say precious if someone is being over protective or sneery rather than PFB.