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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be ever so slightly cross at this mum at DD's school?

83 replies

Farandole · 07/12/2015 22:55

A mum at DD's school has just had a baby. It is customary around here for mums at school to have a collection and give a 'class present' to the new baby (entirely optional of course; £2-3 suggested). I offered to make the collection and buy a present and card, which will be given on behalf of the whole class (regardless of whether a girl's parents contributed or not).

I just got an email from one of the mums, cc'ing whole class, announcing she had intended to buy her own present, but since I'm doing a whip around she will contribute £5 (I.e more than suggested amount). However, she then went on to say that the baby doesn't need anything as she's the youngest of siblings, therefore I should use the money either to get flowers for the mum, or buy her a spa day or gift vouchers.

AIBU to think that mum is cheeky and rude? I doubt I will collect over £50, which isn't enough for a spa day, seems a waste of money on flowers and I just don't feel comfortable giving gift vouchers except to my staff/young relatives. For all I know this couple may be extremely wealthy - it seems odd and meaningless giving what may be token money for them.

The mum's email just feels interfering to me. I'm half tempted to write back and suggest she uses her £5 to buy a separate spa day/gift voucher, while the rest of us buy something for the baby :o. (of course I won't do that.)

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 08/12/2015 12:24

It is not cheeky or rude to maKe a suggestion. As the gift is from the whole class presumably everyone is free to make a suggestion. Flowers and a voucher sound good to me. Not a spa day but perhaps voucher for local beauty salon where she could spend it on getting her hair done or nails or have a head massage or whatever. Or John Lewis or marks and spencer or next.
Don't get annoyed about nothing she was being helpful!
We do not do this as my school I a, glad to say, I do buy a little something if a friend from school has a baby but we don't do it in behalf of whole class.

stealthsquiggle · 08/12/2015 12:30

Given that the present is supposedly from the children, I can't think that any of them would really relate with giving vouchers/spa day/whatever. I would know my DC would consider that a present for a baby should be something that is actually for the baby - and presumably said baby's sibling will report back to their friends?

Etak15 · 08/12/2015 12:34

As a mother of four too I agree that it's nice to get pressies for the baby because although you've got everything already it's nice for them to have some things that aren't 4th hand! there's nothing I would want for myself ( I like chocolate but would defo be a waste to spend £50 on it!) flowers would get knocked over or picked to bits by my 3 yr old and my youngest is one and I still couldn't tell you when would be a good time for me to go on a spa day! I have never been to one in my life - and then of course you'd need to buy that x 2 because she's want to go with someone else I presume? Just stick to your original plan! You can always stick gift receipts in with the pressie so she can change it if she wants.

Chewbecca · 08/12/2015 13:10

I would have taken the message as a helpful suggestion, not sure why it is offensive. If it's a whip round, you would expect people to make suggestions/have some conversation about what the joint gift will be.

YABU

SoWhite · 08/12/2015 13:15

Reply all: 'Thoughts everyone?'

See what happens, go with it.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 08/12/2015 17:26

Agree with SoWhite to reply all and ask for thoughts, stating you'll go with the majority. Then just get whatever the most popular suggestion is with no further emails.

I'd take the email as addressed to everyone intentionally, not adressed more to you than anyone else.

You have my sympathy though OP, you do a decent thing in volunteering then people always interfere! Hope it all goes well.

theycallmemellojello · 08/12/2015 17:29

I don't see the problem here. Just because you volunteered to get the present doesn't mean no one else gets a say. Just reply asking what others think and put it to the vote.

Narp · 08/12/2015 17:32

Unless her wording was actually rude, maybe it was just a suggestion?

irregularegular · 08/12/2015 17:36

It all depends on her tone, but I think in general it is absolutely fine to make suggestions, and they are perfectly reasonable suggestions. Maybe she knows the parents better than you do.

On the other hand, it is also absolutely fine to ignore - unless you get the impression that most people contributing agree with her, in which case you might want to take note.

irregularegular · 08/12/2015 17:37

It all depends on her tone, but I think in general it is absolutely fine to make suggestions, and they are perfectly reasonable suggestions. Maybe she knows the parents better than you do.

On the other hand, it is also absolutely fine to ignore - unless you get the impression that most people contributing agree with her, in which case you might want to take note.

chillycurtains · 08/12/2015 18:04

I think the whole idea of a class whip round for a new baby is really odd. Confused You buy a mum a gift if you are close friends. It's more pressure on people for no real reason. The fact that she doesn't need anything indicates that this is a bit of a waste of money.

I would just completely ignore the email. I wouldn't reply or just reply with a thanks although she's bound to want to discuss it when she gives you her £5. Just give her a voucher for a shop like M&S and then she can buy baby clothes or something to make life easier for herself like some decent convenience food.

Just to be a devil's advocate, if the mum doesn't need anything that why is the other mum buying her own present..... Grin

Brioche201 · 08/12/2015 18:43

I think She is just trying to be helpful!
I would go for Amazon Vouchers

Topseyt · 08/12/2015 19:04

I was just about to ask that, ClancyMoped.

My DD1 was 7 years old and at primary school when I gave birth to DD3. DD2 was 3 and at preschool.

There was no whip round for me. Nor for any of the other mums of children at the school or preschool who gave birth to younger siblings.

Not saying it isn't a nice thing that the OP is doing though. It is.

Let this woman just do her own thing if she wants to, OP. You and your circle of friends chip in as you wish to. Nobody under any pressure to contribute or not. Just as they wish. You were brave to volunteer, I think.

Original poster
Farandole · 08/12/2015 20:54

Thanks everyone for the varied views! In retrospect I agree that all who contribute to the kitty should be allowed to express a view. I think my problem with this mum was threefold:

  • I don't agree with her suggestions. That shouldn't be relevant though, if the majority agrees with her.
  • I don't want to have another round of emails asking for suggestions. I work FT and it just seems like excessive hassle. But in that case I probably shouldn't have volunteered in the first place.
  • I found it grating that she advertised she'd contribute £5 when the suggested was £2-3. Hardly a big deal though.

In answer to some of the points raised:

-I don't do school runs so don't know any of the mums well. I just happened to bump into mother of newborn yesterday, the baby is just a few days old and she hasn't been doing the school run either so I don't think most mums have seen her since birth.
-I have no idea if these two mums are close friends. The tone of the email did not suggest that they were.

  • new baby is 4.5 years younger than next sibling. I assumed the mum will not have kept every last bit of baby clothes all those years. I think a little outfit would make a more personal gesture.
  • other mum's email was very polite. I don't think she is having a power trip - just making my life a little more complicated.

I think I'm going to bite the bullet and ask for suggestions from the class. I will let you know how that goes.

Can I ask, is there a minimum threshold under which a voucher looks cheap? I've only collected £15 so far and the school breaks on Thursday.

Oh and multivac you are very unpleasant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farandole · 08/12/2015 20:56

chillycurtains Just to be a devil's advocate, if the mum doesn't need anything that why is the other mum buying her own present.....

:o :o

OP posts:
ClancyMoped · 08/12/2015 21:07

If it's £15-20 then I'd go for a little outfit something safe and a nice card. Don't overthink it, it's a token gift and I'm sure the mum will appreciate the thought.

Rather than asking for suggestions I'd tell them what you are thinking of doing and ask them to let you know if they have a better idea. If you leave it open then you will end up with 15 different suggestions I speak from experience Wink

Original poster
Farandole · 08/12/2015 21:09

Thanks Clancy that's just what I did! Great minds and all that

OP posts:
ClancyMoped · 08/12/2015 21:49

Blush Grin

amarmai · 09/12/2015 00:12

noo- do not ask for suggestions ! You will get as many diff opinions as you've got on this thread! You are doing the work - you choose.

slicedfinger · 09/12/2015 01:03

We received a solid silver comb when DD3 was born, from DHs colleagues, "because you'll have everything you need already". 🙄

JessieMcJessie · 09/12/2015 07:30

Sorry, a class of kids is buying a present (funded by their Mums) for one of the class' baby brother/sister? What?

Do primary children remotely care about new babies other than their own siblings? Do all the parents of all the kids in the class actually know each other?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 09/12/2015 07:41

I'd go with a baby present personally, I remember people buying me fancy bubble baths etc and being grateful but thinking I'd far rather have baby stuff/vouchers.

SarahSavesTheDay · 09/12/2015 07:46

Can you clarify, is the author of the email the intended recipient of the baby gift?

amitho · 09/12/2015 07:50

OMG you buy a present for a new sibling?! I would knock that on the head ASAP. I have to say I think that is ridiculous. I would refuse to give Blush

multivac · 09/12/2015 07:51

"other mum's email was very polite. I don't think she is having a power trip - just making my life a little more complicated"

Making her, in your OP "cheeky and rude".

And I'm "unpleasant".

shrugs