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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be ever so slightly cross at this mum at DD's school?

83 replies

Farandole · 07/12/2015 22:55

A mum at DD's school has just had a baby. It is customary around here for mums at school to have a collection and give a 'class present' to the new baby (entirely optional of course; £2-3 suggested). I offered to make the collection and buy a present and card, which will be given on behalf of the whole class (regardless of whether a girl's parents contributed or not).

I just got an email from one of the mums, cc'ing whole class, announcing she had intended to buy her own present, but since I'm doing a whip around she will contribute £5 (I.e more than suggested amount). However, she then went on to say that the baby doesn't need anything as she's the youngest of siblings, therefore I should use the money either to get flowers for the mum, or buy her a spa day or gift vouchers.

AIBU to think that mum is cheeky and rude? I doubt I will collect over £50, which isn't enough for a spa day, seems a waste of money on flowers and I just don't feel comfortable giving gift vouchers except to my staff/young relatives. For all I know this couple may be extremely wealthy - it seems odd and meaningless giving what may be token money for them.

The mum's email just feels interfering to me. I'm half tempted to write back and suggest she uses her £5 to buy a separate spa day/gift voucher, while the rest of us buy something for the baby :o. (of course I won't do that.)

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 08/12/2015 05:37

If she knows the mum well, I would take it as a good suggestion.

My auntie bought me something when ds was born. She said that she knows everyone buys the baby something but often forgets the mother. I never thought about it before, but she is right and it was really a lovely gesture.

I passed the suggestion on to dbro when his wife was pg. She doesn't like me, but when she heard it was my suggestion (from dbro) she thanked me.

Again if she knows the mum, maybe she knows the mum could do with a present or spoiling a bit.

If she doesn't know the mum, the yes she is interfering.

Tbh I find this whole 'let's have a whip round for everything' a bit exhausting. But each to their own.

Enjolrass · 08/12/2015 05:38

Yeah but don't go for a spa day, unless you know that's definitely what the woman wants.

Women with small babies don't have much time spare, especially with 4 kids. But, it's not unheard of for the their dad to have them for the day.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/12/2015 06:23

Amazon vouchers. Then she can choose from the comfort of her own home and get something either for herself or for the baby.

It may well be that she has spoken to the mum in question and is passing on a useful hint; but she's being very high-handed about it. It may equally be that she has her own ideas about buying presents for new mums, in which case I suggest she put her own hand up to organising the next whip-round so she can do it her way.

So yes, she's rude but I wouldn't throw her suggestion out just because she is - so go for vouchers that can be spent anywhere. Actually, if you don't want to do Amazon (for various reasons) then one of these www.one4allgiftcard.co.uk/ would be a good idea, although I don't know if you can use them online. But they cover a huge range of shops, so plenty of choice!

NickNacks · 08/12/2015 06:27

Surely all the babies born are the youngest of siblings???

HeteronormativeHaybales · 08/12/2015 06:32

wow, class gifts for mums' new babies Shock

I've just had no. 3. Technically I didn't need much, if anything, really (was a girl after 2 boys but I had tended to dress them in fairly 'neutral' clothes and had been passed down some girls' clothes before the birth) but I found it incredibly sweet and touching to get several carefully-chosen gifts of baby clothes. However, I do think it's a nice idea to get something for the mum - how about a small bunch of flowers/some nice bubble bath or cream and a nice cardigan for the baby?

HeteronormativeHaybales · 08/12/2015 06:35

Oh, and I wouldn't want/be able to take a spa day for months and months, if not a year plus. Ebf, slow to take to solids and I wasn't faffing around with expressing and bottles for that.

SirChenjin · 08/12/2015 06:42

Ask her if the new mum has specifically said anything to her - and if she says no, then go ahead and do what you were going to do.

Not a spa day though - they are shit.

Lovelydiscusfish · 08/12/2015 06:44

I can't see from your OP that she's been rude, more that she's just given her opinion. Maybe she phrased it particularly rudely? She probably copied it to the whole group to garner others' opinions (or by accident? Loads of people do this in my work ace at the moment - it's a nightmare. )

You could always thank her and ask her to source an appropriate gift from you all herself? It sounds like perhaps she knows the expecting mum well, as she was planning to buy her an individual gift?

Either way, I'm fairly sure (unless she's a really horrible person) that this won't have been intended as an upsetting personal criticism of you,

dontcallmecis · 08/12/2015 06:47

Well, if I was a good friend of the new mother, I'd probably buy my own gift. If indeed the new mum had everything she needed (as I did with my 3rd) and I was, as a good friend, in a position to know this, I might suggest something else. Not a spa day though - possibly a gift voucher for the local curry takeaway!

I doubt I'd send it to everyone though, probably just the person who was organising the gift.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/12/2015 06:50

I'm going to go against the grain on the flowers thing. When I went on maternity leave from the practice where I had worked for 6 years, all they gave me was a large bunch of flowers, which actually upset me a fair bit (hormonal). They could have used the money far more productively; if they couldn't be arsed to get something thoughtful, gift vouchers (which some of my clients gave me) would have been more use than sodding flowers, which died in a week.

IJustLostTheGame · 08/12/2015 07:16

I wasn't into flowers when I gave birth. But I the plant I was given gave me rage (hormonal)
Why the bloody hell was I given something else I had to take care of and keep from dying, didn't I have enough of that????

HackerFucker22 · 08/12/2015 07:25

I got some lovely flowers with DC1.. I never buy myself flowers so was pleased. It was nice to have them in the early days when we had loads of guests. Maybe £50 on flowers is pushing it though!!

NerrSnerr · 08/12/2015 07:35

I wonder if she has spoken to the mum too. I would just get vouchers so she can choose what she gets.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/12/2015 08:41

john Lewis vouchers, job done !

NiNoKuni · 08/12/2015 09:04

I agree IJustLost, I (very ungratefully) hated the flowers and plants I was given after giving birth - I had enough to do!

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 08/12/2015 09:10

A department store voucher and a nice teddy. Job done.

AChickenCalledKorma · 08/12/2015 09:15

If the present is coming from the whole class, she's perfectly entitled to express an opinion about what the money should be spent on. I think she's just trying to have a discussion by email. It might have come across better face to face, but I could easily be that mother because life is manic and sometimes sending a message by email while you're thinking about it is easier than remembering if/when you see someone and have a child hanging off your leg.

In your position, I'd reply to all: "Thanks for your suggestion - what do others think?"

If everyone says "voucher", you have your answer. If there's a million and one different opinions, you get to choose, because you're doing the organising.

multivac · 08/12/2015 09:20

Good grief. How petty, and self-absorbed.

And I'm not talking about the evil mum who is buying a baby gift for her friend, and contributing to the whip-round, and had the gall to make a sensible suggestion regarding the choice of communal present...

OnlyLovers · 08/12/2015 09:22

she then went on to say that the baby doesn't need anything as she's the youngest of siblings, therefore I should use the money either to get flowers for the mum, or buy her a spa day or gift vouchers.

Who does she think she is?

I might send an 'innocent' message back saying 'Oh gosh, have you talked to her? Is this what she'd like?'

Ten to one she hasn't talked to the mum and will have to admit it. Then you can just carry on.

Chchchchangeabout · 08/12/2015 09:26

Can you get a voucher for somewhere like John Lewis? That way she can spend on something for her or the baby.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 08/12/2015 11:03

Dh's colleagues sent a small gift plus vouchers. Would that work? (I agree John Lewis is a good option)

I love spa days but it wouldn't have been my treat of choice having just given birth! Would have liked a facial though (no swimming costume involved and easier to pop out for an hour or two rather than a whole day!)

tthisisgettingboring · 08/12/2015 11:32

multivac how nasty your post is Hmm

Sillybillybonker · 08/12/2015 11:49

She is probably just making a suggestion. Don't take offence. Ask around and see what the consensus is on a gift. Simple!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/12/2015 12:11

Is this the first time you've offered or do you regularly do it? Maybe she would like to arrange it?

I'd have loved flowers - got loads with the PFB but they were all dead by the time I was discharged from hospital. Not a thing with DC2 when I left on the same day.

People make such a fuss with your first child and thereafter, it's treated almost as though it's of very little effort to gestate and deliver their siblings. Bollocks to that - if you've had more you deserve a medal and flowers Grin

TheSecondViola · 08/12/2015 12:15

She's probably just trying to be helpful, no need for all the angst. If you don't like the suggestion, ignore it.

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