To think if I want you to know I'm pregnant I'll tell you?

[WhyIRayLiotta]

At work today a colleague asked me if I was pregnant (as I'm not going to the Christmas party, she thought I was avoiding drinking alcohol unlike me) I had to say no.

This has really pissed me off for a couple of reasons; firstly I was pregnant but I'm not now. So It wasn't nice to have to say 'no I'm not pregnant'.
Secondly;I've had 3 MCs, I won't be telling ANYONE until I'm well past 12 weeks - so why put me on the spot!?
Also; I work in a fast moving / competitive place. I wouldn't want people knowing I was pregnant until I'm pretty far along as there's an attitude of 'oh don't ask Ray to do that high profile /prestigious work as she's pregnant'.

So AIBU to think; that in the workplace you shouldn't ask if someone is pregnant. You wait to be told?

Yanbu at all. I am so sorry to hear about your losses . People just don't think before they speak sometimes. So stupid of them.

Yanbu but that doesn't just apply to the workplace. It's bloody rude to ask anyone other than a very close family member or close friend.
I'm sorry for your loss. Some people just have no tact.

Extra annoying points if they ask cos you're vomiting. You could be doubled up over toilet retching and they'd be all like
"Ooooooh have you got something to tell us??"
"Yes: fuck off"

It wasn't even a one off, I'd say I've been asked outright or in a nudge-nudge-wink-wink way 10 times in the last couple of months.

And I get it; I'm of a certain age, already have 1 DC who's 4... But still! Stop being so bloody nosey!

I think it applies to everywhere, not just the workplace. Your news, your rules, your choice on when/who to tell.
Not being unreasonable at all!

If she was aware of your previous losses, then YANBU to be annoyed. I have however said similar things, albeit in a lighthearted way, eg. when a colleague said she was feeling sick in the mornings. I'm sure she didn't mean any malice by it.

"You can tell uuuuusss" "Fuck off some more"

Yanbu, but as a pp said, it just doesn't apply to workplaces. If someone wants you to know they're pregnant, they will utter the words 'I'm pregnant'.

I told no one but DH until I was 17 weeks, for good reasons, and although several close friends and colleagues guessed (I kept vanishing to throw up in meetings, apart from anything else), but everyone was tactful enough to stay quiet and neither ask me outright or speculate among themselves.

Urgh I feel your pain- and sorry for your losses . I gave up booze for a few weeks to lose weight- it seems that it is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman in the first year of marriage who isn't on the prosecco must be harbouring not a desire to announce her pregnancy! errm no, I just put on weight after my wedding and am already embarrassed and self conscious thanks!

It's never ok to ask someone - if they are and don't want to tell you then you are putting them on the spot, if they aren't and want to be then you could be actively upsetting them, and if they aren't and don't want to be then they have still probably heard it a million times and possibly will assume that you are saying they look fat. There is no real good outcome to asking someone about their fertility and it should be avoided at all costs, even in jest IMO.

The only exception when it's allowable to ask is if you've just caught Hand Foot & Mouth from your toddler and you're sitting at a desk next to a twenty-something woman in a stable relationship (or any woman under the age of fifty frankly). On that occasion I did drop a very discreet email. She wasn't, but the risk of offence was worth it IMO. (I then mentioned it very loudly to the rest of the team so any men who needed to be aware should act accordingly).

I completely agree OP, it's totally inappropriate to ask someone that.

HOWEVER, I will also say that I would have probably done exactly the same thing before getting pregnant myself. I think if you haven't been through it yourself, or know someone whose in a similar position and has told you how irritating it is....then really it really can be done out of total innocence.

I probably did the exact same thing when I was younger, I'm ashamed to say.

That said, for those people who already have children, there is no excuse. I was really, REALLY annoyed when a mutual friend straight up asked me if I was pregnant only one week after I'd found out myself. She had two kids ffs and was TOTALLY cagey about her pregnancies until well after 20 weeks, so not like she was an open book herself!

Nope Joolsy, doesn't matter if someone is aware of a woman's MCs/inability to conceive/relationship problems/financial problems/ lack of desire to have some of more children ever/lack of desire to have children at that point/contraception failure/capitulation to the other partner or family member who expected them to have children when they didn't want them/any other reason why they may or may not be pregnant at that point
People who show signs of pregnancy might not be and be devastated by it
People who are pregnant might not want to be and be devastated by it.
People might be delighted to be pregnant but then find out a few weeks after they've been pretty much forced into revealing it that the foetus has some awful anomaly, decide to terminate and then have to either tell everyone or pretend that they had a MC
Just not something for lighthearted comment/nosey questions.
I'm sure she didn't mean malice by it (who the fuck would say it maliciously?)...it's just stupid and thoughtless.

No Joolsy she didn't know about the MCs.

What can I say to shut it down though. There's one woman (the office gossip) and she is shameless. I'd love to have the balls to just say 'none of your business' but I'm too polite 😁

Smile sweetly and say in a confidential tone, "listen X, if I am pregnant I'll make sure you're the last to know"

I once had a major melt down and said 'stop fucking asking me that it's none of your business'. In my defense I had worked through a MC and said nothing and was pretty heartbroken. It bloody worked though! Nobody dare ask anything now unless I volunteer the information, despite currently being absolutely MASSIVELY pregnant.

Well done Heather.

YANBU. I had a similar situation recently when I went for my 12 week scan on the Friday. Hadn't told anyone I was pregnant as was massive shock, 4th DC and DC3 only 8 months old at the time. Was still getting my head around it myself. Got to the school playground Monday morning, said hello to my neighbour who was heavily preg and asked how she was feeling. She replied 'Alright. How YOU feeling?' In a nudge nudge wink wink kind of a way. Asked how the hell she knew and she said she couldn't reveal her sources. Racked my brains all day trying to think how she could have known as I'd only told my DH, my mum and my best friend. Confronted her again and she'd said she promised she wouldn't say anything but SOMEONE had seen me at the hospital waiting for my scan and told her.

I can't even know said person very well because I didn't recognise anyone there, apart from one woman in a 'I think I recognise that woman, but can't think from where' kind of way.

People should definitely learn to just FUCK OFF!

I always follow the rule; 'never ask a woman if she is pregnant unless you can see the baby crowning.' Your colleague was an insensitive idiot. Sorry for your losses.

No not OK in any situation. My neighbour had a baby a couple of months ago. Even though it was blindingly obvious she was pregnant I still didn't mention it. They specifically told me last time she was pregnant, long before it was obvious but this time round they for whatever reason didn't announce it.

I have an inkling that they had extra health worries this time round due to being much older parents. Neighbour was quite off with me during this time and It was quite obvious she didn't want to discuss it, so I left it alone.
However since baby has been born she has returned to her old chatty self, discussing baby not an issue.