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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a serious chat with our au pair about my expectations?

106 replies

Honesttodog · 06/12/2015 20:13

Feeling a bit stressed about this and would like some advice about how not to get a positive result.

Au pair has been slightly slack, her main job is getting kids up, tidying up after brekkie, picking up kids at various times, helping out at supper, doing bath and occasional bed but i mostly do bed.

However, we are a bit of an untidy family due to coming and going a lot, lots of toys and lots of rooms to spread crap around in.

I need the au pair to step up and be more tidy and be a good example to the kids with keeping tidy.

She regularly leaves the dinner table with food all over it, leave kitchen surfaces dirty, collections of mugs in her bedroom, doesn't think to pick up toys while kids are in bath... lots of small things which are all aggravating me because i know that if I don't sort out all these small messes, they will stay there till cleaner comes.

I want to have a chat with her about being more tidy, mindful of leaving a room tidy when she takes the kids upstairs - so toys back in boxes, blankets in tv room folded... but I am worried i am just going to sound like a whiny bitch if I itemize everything. However other advice i have read is just to specify everything you want done if you want it to get done. We have had her for 3 months and I admit, i have let things fester a bit which i know is a big no-no.

It feels tricky because she is not naturally tidy and every other person who has ever cared for our kids has been naturally tidy, wouldn't leave the kitchen in a mess if babysitting etc.

Part of me just wants to get a different au pair but I know she is really enjoying her time here and is still a bit immature, and part of being an au pair is gaining a bit of maturity!!!

Any advice on keeping things positive between us while having The Chat?

OP posts:
CFSsucks · 06/12/2015 21:41

I don't think you can say you are a messy family then complain that the au pair is messy! Sorry that's just crap. Plus you have a cleaner. How about you show your children how to put things away and lead by example.

M48294Y · 06/12/2015 22:01

This thread should be stickied as a prime example of the legendary Mumsnet bitchiness/nest of vipers thing.

AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 22:07

why ?

AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 22:08

Just because we don't agree that young girls paid a pittance should be expected to operate on a higher level of tidiness than the family she is working for ?

aquashiv · 06/12/2015 22:09

Call a family meeting and admit that you all have let things slide and go from there...don't make it a massive issue. Just raise it and talk it through.
No one is born tidy its a skill to be learnt.

hibbleddible · 06/12/2015 22:14

Op you are having a hard time on this thread, as according to mumsnet having an au pair makes you on the same level as a slave owner Hmm

In terms of a solution: as you admit that you are all untidy I would have a family meeting and ask everyone to pick up after themselves, and remind the au pair to remind the children to do so. Not unreasonable at all.

I agree with m48 that this thread is showing mumsnet (and certain posters) in a rather poor light. It seems like whenever a poster mentions she has an au pair it goes the same way. I wonder how much it is to do with jealousy.

M48294Y · 06/12/2015 22:15

Who is "we" AF?

If au pair is being paid the correct rate and not having to do an inappropriate number of hours then of course it is up to the employer to decide what au pair is doing within those hours. Au pairs do a mix of light housework and childcare - as required by individual families.

Why is that a problem?

Only1scoop · 06/12/2015 22:22

'Prime example of the legendary MN bitchiness'

Why on earth?

Quite a friendly AIBU I thought

M48294Y · 06/12/2015 22:22

This comment at 21.13 by CatfordBetty is but one example

"So hard to get the right staff. My sympathies".

What is that supposed to mean? It's just a pathetic snidey comment isn't it? Do you really think that Au Pairing should cease to be as a legitimate profession CatfordBetty? Would you extend your comment to include cleaners, gardeners, removals companies, handymen, painters and decorators? The kind of jobs that everyone has the skills to do if they don't prefer to outsource them?

AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 22:23

"we" is the prevailing majority on this thread who say that op should lead by example

no jealousy about it

I don't recall ever posting on an "au pair" thread (do they have there own topic, or something) before, so cannot see how mine or any other responses are at all predictable

most people respond to what they see on an individual thread, don't they ?

seasidesally · 06/12/2015 22:26

the op needed to post wage,hrs worked etc

it's very hard to answer when op wont give the bones of the argument

hibbleddible · 06/12/2015 22:26

Whenever a poster has mentioned they have an au pair in aibu, the thread has rather predictably deteriorated.

If its not about jealousy anyfucker then what is it?

bobsalong · 06/12/2015 22:28

Jesus some people are rude.

OP I don't know a lot about APs, a friend had one when I was at school and they did some tidying and cooking but also had a cleaner. Their house was horrendously messy though so it probably wasn't possible for one person to do it all as well as look after three kids.

If I was you I'd just ask if it's possible for them to do a bit of tidying when they get a moment. Maybe set times for you all to have a tidy up as well, like Saturday morning or a weekday evening?

If this doesn't work I'd probably be considering getting a nanny/housekeeper, someone who is specifically hired to run the house as a whole.

seasidesally · 06/12/2015 22:29

op should of posted in childcare,thats a more appropriate board and its well used with many people who employ AP so would get a good response

Kanga59 · 06/12/2015 22:29

Sounds like you need a FT housekeeper in addition. General tidying up after slobs who know how to get things out but not put away, is a full time job in itself

AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 22:29

I haven't seen any other "au pair" threads, so I cannot comment, hib

I am not seeing jealousy on this one

I could equally say people who have au pairs are defensive

and the op (who actually asked the question) hasn't started squawking about "jealousy", she has updated with a perfectly reasonable outcome from her thread

so it seems your concern is misplaced

catfordbetty · 06/12/2015 22:31

What is that supposed to mean?

Er ... just that. Servants with the sort of exceptional diligence one would want are difficult to find.

spondulix · 06/12/2015 22:32

Why some people have kids just to pay someone else to do the job of a parent is beyond me

Hmm
M48294Y · 06/12/2015 22:34

Oh don't be a pillock catfordb.

hibbleddible · 06/12/2015 22:36

anyfucker have a quick search, and you will find pretty much any thread in aibu where the op has mentioned having an au pair, that they get rediculed. I'm sure that as a long time poster you must have noticed this. (You have noticed enough to say that people with au pairs are defensive)

How else would you explain this?

AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 22:38

no, I didn't say I had noticed au pair employers are defensive, I said i could equally say that they were

there is a rather significant distinction there

M48294Y · 06/12/2015 22:39

Seasidesally - the way it works is you assume the op is paying the going rate for the Au Pair. She doesn't need to put down every single detail of their relationship (because otherwise she would be accused of making her op too long).

She could have put her question in the childcare section but, unfortunately, since about 2009, there has been this pesky Aibu topic on Mumsnet and people will now NOT put their questions anywhere other than Aibu. There appears to be nothing hq can do to persuade us to use the appropriate topics - or at least they are simply not interested in persuading people to use them.

AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 22:42

the op has got a reasonable outcome from posting this thread

has anyone but me noticed this ? Smile

Preminstreltension · 06/12/2015 22:44

The OPs hours are neither here nor there. She has an au pair whom we assume she is paying appropriately for the appropriate hours. There's nothing to suggest she isn't doing this. The au pair is not doing simple things like wipe the table after meals. She doesn't say the OP should clean up after her. She's asking for advice on how to frame a conversation about it.

The arsey comments about tiny violins and finding the right sort of servant are ludicrous. I don't know what sort of childcare those posters have but most of us who WOH exchange money for childcare services and as this is a transaction there are rights and responsibilities on both sides. Perfectly normal and ordinary thing to do - the nastiness is most odd.

Arsey, arsey thread.

M48294Y · 06/12/2015 22:45

Probably only you AnyFucker.