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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a serious chat with our au pair about my expectations?

106 replies

Honesttodog · 06/12/2015 20:13

Feeling a bit stressed about this and would like some advice about how not to get a positive result.

Au pair has been slightly slack, her main job is getting kids up, tidying up after brekkie, picking up kids at various times, helping out at supper, doing bath and occasional bed but i mostly do bed.

However, we are a bit of an untidy family due to coming and going a lot, lots of toys and lots of rooms to spread crap around in.

I need the au pair to step up and be more tidy and be a good example to the kids with keeping tidy.

She regularly leaves the dinner table with food all over it, leave kitchen surfaces dirty, collections of mugs in her bedroom, doesn't think to pick up toys while kids are in bath... lots of small things which are all aggravating me because i know that if I don't sort out all these small messes, they will stay there till cleaner comes.

I want to have a chat with her about being more tidy, mindful of leaving a room tidy when she takes the kids upstairs - so toys back in boxes, blankets in tv room folded... but I am worried i am just going to sound like a whiny bitch if I itemize everything. However other advice i have read is just to specify everything you want done if you want it to get done. We have had her for 3 months and I admit, i have let things fester a bit which i know is a big no-no.

It feels tricky because she is not naturally tidy and every other person who has ever cared for our kids has been naturally tidy, wouldn't leave the kitchen in a mess if babysitting etc.

Part of me just wants to get a different au pair but I know she is really enjoying her time here and is still a bit immature, and part of being an au pair is gaining a bit of maturity!!!

Any advice on keeping things positive between us while having The Chat?

OP posts:
Yika · 06/12/2015 20:31

I think your expectations are reasonable.

I think family-wide rules are good. You could also use inclusive language like 'could we all make sure that...' 'let's all...' For specific tasks like clearing up bath toys: go in when bath time is nearly over, say so, and give some instructions: kids, could you do X, au pair, could you do Y. Tells her what needs doing but without making it a lecture.

Unicornsandglitterpoop · 06/12/2015 20:34

Aren't aupairs paid next to nothing. Surely child caring is enough get a cleaner with some of the money you'd save if you had a nanny.

RoseWithoutAThorn · 06/12/2015 20:35

I had an AP for years and certainly didn't expect her to tidy my mess or DH mess up. Yes she helped at dinner time but we all mucked in. I certainly wouldn't have seen wiping a table as solely her responsibility or reminding my children to put things away. That was DH and my responsibility as parents as well as the AP reminding them. If my kids had been leaving their things all over the house I'd have read the riot act.

Original poster
Honesttodog · 06/12/2015 20:35

messy as in we have places for things but, for example, my son is obssessed with wearing gloves. every day he likes to scatter the bucket of winter clothes around while hunting for the particular pair he wants.

we have hooks for their coats, but they often leave their coat on the floor by the hooks.

colouring stuff gets piled up at the end of the table instead of put away before the meal

cds get left out instead of put back in their box.

i ask them to sort these things out but they are still young so need encouragement. As i said, au pair is not someone who walks into the room and sees lots of things on a table and dvds out etc and wants to tidy them into pile before she leaves the room.

I like things tidy and will tidy when I see them but I am often out during the day, so kids are getting used to having bits of clutter everywhere.

DH not around during week so should not blame him really.

OP posts:
Bodicea · 06/12/2015 20:35

Op you are not going to get many measured, helpful responses on aibu when it comes to the topic of au lets. I would have a candid chat with her about what you have posted but be sure to throw a lot of positive comments her way too. If it stil isn't working after another month start considering a new au per.
One little thing - I wouldn't expect any one to leave children in the bath, even to go in the next room.

Artandco · 06/12/2015 20:36

I think the rule for Au pairs and nannies is generally ' leave the house as you find it'. So if they start the morning and it's clean and tidy, it's expected to be roughly the same when they leave. However if they start and it's a mess then well thats the problem

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 06/12/2015 20:38

I understand what you mean op. You want the aupair to teach the children how to tidy up after themselves.

seasidesally · 06/12/2015 20:40

to get a measured response we need to know hrs worked,pay and conditions

its really hard to get a good idea really without knowing

Original poster
Honesttodog · 06/12/2015 20:41

shameful yes I want her to realise that when she is with them she needs to set an example. and also as she is living in my house, she needs to be respectful of our things and space. I do not expect her to sort any of my shit out, but if she is with the kids then I expect her to be aware of not leaving a trail of destruction after they disappear upstairs for bathtime!

OP posts:
Original poster
Honesttodog · 06/12/2015 20:43

Anyhoo, this chat has been helpful enough so will leave it now.

will just discuss as a general We all need to etc and try not to point the finger at anyone.

thanks!

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 06/12/2015 20:44

She sounds like she's doing a lot already for a young woman. Don't set your expectations so high for her and she won't disappoint and you won't get so stressed. Do the dcs like her? Is she feeding them what you want to feed them? Is she reliable? If all of these things are going well, then I feel you have got enough from her. She's doing wake ups, breakfast, school runs, to and fro various things, bath and then sometimes bed so she's doing a lot for you already. If that's going well, just forgo the cleanliness thing.

Bearbehind · 06/12/2015 20:46

oP, based on your post (20.35) it sounds like you know and accept your children make a mess but don't do a great deal to change that.

Encouraging them to be tidier is very different to asking your au pair to tidy up after them.

She's not your skivvy.

All of you being more tidy is fine, you asking her to tidy yours and your children's shit is not fine.

NickNacks · 06/12/2015 20:46

How old are the children?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 06/12/2015 20:46

How many hours a week do you work op?

When you are there does the op see you telling the children to tidy up, put things away, put things back etc?

M48294Y · 06/12/2015 20:47

Honestly, op, I think this is a really simple non-issue type problem to resolve.

Ask for a 10 minute chat with Au Pair. Say it is a 3 months review or something.

Say to her "We think you are great and our children have really taken to you and we are very happy to have you here. But, I went a bit wrong when you first came and there are some things we'd like you to include in your working day which we didn't properly talk about. So, basically, we want you to do a bit of a clear-up after meals (load the dishwasher, clean the kitchen table, put things away but no the whole kitchen doesn't have to be spotless) and teach the children to put their coats and toys away every day. Before they go up for a bath in the evening they have to help you tidy up. Make it part of your routine. Are you ok with that? Thank you for everything you do already".

AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 20:48

op, that is a good outcome

good luck Thanks

SuperFlyHigh · 06/12/2015 20:52

I agree with Bearbehind if you ask the kids to tidy they should tidy, I don't think she should be tidying up after them or asking them to tidy up, unless she's reiterating your rules on tidiness.

You said in your OP it was "tidying up after brekkie" was part of her main job so I think she's taken that as the main tidying she needs to do.

What could be easier for her to tidy away is to have tidy areas, bits you put art work in etc (Carry cases for it etc) rather than she picks up all art stuff quickly and can carry it somewhere else when she's going upstairs and if there is nowhere else for it to go but at end of table.

Also bear in mind this is her first au pairing role so do you really want her running round tidying after the kids rather than looking after them?

MrsSchadenfreude · 06/12/2015 20:57

OK, I have been here! I think you need to phrase it as "getting the children to tidy up after themselves with her help." So hanging coats up when they come in. Toys to go back in the toy box when they go upstairs for their bath or out to school/the park. This will take minimal time. Also ask her to wipe down the table and work surfaces after food/painting etc, and to put plates in the dish washer after breakfast and dinner. And the place looking tidy when you come in from work (NB tidy of toys/kids' stuff - it's not up to her to tidy up your eg dirty pants on the bathroom floor). This is quite small stuff, but will make a huge difference to how you feel. There is nothing more depressing than coming in from a day at work to a dirty kitchen, toys everywhere - so you feel you need to start tidying rather than starting cooking.

coffeeisnectar · 06/12/2015 21:00

House rules.

If you get it out, you put it away. If you get it dirty, you clean it.

Or put it in the appropriate place to be cleaned. If it belongs to you, you are responsible for it.

If your son is old enough to be left alone in the bath he's old enough to put his own dirty clothes in the laundry and pick up his own toys. Or you are teaching him that he can just swan about while a woman runs behind him cleaning his mess up.

Sounds like no one is taking control of anything and is presuming that someone else is going to tidy up.

alicemalice · 06/12/2015 21:04

I wouldn't expect her to tidy up after the adults or anything.

But leaving the kitchen table and worktops dirty and covered in food? After she's cooked for the children, you mean? That's really unacceptable, if so.

Viviennemary · 06/12/2015 21:11

I think you are expecting too much of an au pair. You should be the one teaching your children standards such as being tidy and of course the au pair could follow your example. But you can't leave it up to her to pick up after everyone and get your children to form good habits. Seems also she works long hours. There in the morning and still there at bed time working. But she shouldn't create more mess and should keep her room tidy. Taking it for granted that your bedroom is tidy too. Otherwise it's a waste of time.

catfordbetty · 06/12/2015 21:13

So hard to get the right staff. My sympathies.

Babymamaroon · 06/12/2015 21:13

I have an AP and I have to say it's all about leading by example. I expect everything to be tidied as the day progresses. The children know they have to tidy up and it is part of daily life. I also do a lot in the home as does DH.
At the weekend our AP isn't on duty so to speak but we make sure the house is tip top for Monday morning. It can be a pain as frankly we're shattered from working all week then managing the DC at the weekend but we can hardly expect our AP to keep everything spick and span if we don't ourselves. The kids are in school and nursery during the week and we have a weekly cleaning lady for 4 hours so I don't feel our AP is overburdened. She's an extra pair of hands and it is a mutually beneficial arrangement for her to improve her English.
If you're also doing all of the above then you either need to have a review with her to re-establish your expectations and the daily duties she needs to undertake or you need to look to move her on. At the end of the day, you're paying her and providing her with free board, food and all bills included. She needs to step up in her return for that.
Good luck OP. It ain't easy.

velourvoyageur · 06/12/2015 21:18

I get where you're coming from, if you make dinner in the kitchen, you clear up. I'm sure the OP doesn't leave bits of spaghetti and dirty mixing bowls lying around expecting someone else to clear it up.
Would it be ok if she got to it eventually, like within a day but not right that moment? Could be a compromise.

AmberR12 · 06/12/2015 21:33

You are messy and just expect your au pair to clean up after you all?? How about teaching YOUR kids to be tidy yourself? Why some people have kids just to pay someone else to do the job of a parent is beyond me