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AIBU?

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Original poster

Huge row in our household. Wibu?

277 replies

Bogeybrains · 05/12/2015 23:10

My mum is staying with us at the moment. She's staying for 6 months while she's having some work done to her house.

I have to work every weekend for childcare reasons so DH looks after the DC ages 7 and 5. I have said quite a few times that DH does not seem to do much with them and have confronted him. He will take them to the cinema only if I think to buy tickets the night before, he might take them to the park for an hour. He takes them to his mother's and leaves them there for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon. Apart from that, most weekends they don't seem to do much at all Sad DC don't seem unhappy because they just get to play all weekend but I have long suspected that are just playing on their kindles all day.

My DM has been here for 3 weeks. She has made a few comments about DH just being on his phone all the time and not doing much with them. Today I came home from work at 7pm and when I went to speak to her, she just burst into tears. She said DH stayed in bed until 10 am and they were helping themselves to snacks from the fridge when she came through. She said he then took them out for an hour to look at planes. Came home. Put the telly on for the kids and went to bed. She said he got up for 1 hour to ask if anyone wanted lunch then went back to the bedroom and played on his phone for the rest of the day. She said he didn't play with them once and barely spoke to them. DH overheard us and came in. She accused him of neglecting his children. He's now sulking in the living room, saying she is judgmental and a stirrer. He says he has had a hard week, has a cold and he needed a lazy day but as I said he does not seem to do much with them any weekend. She is in her room crying her eyes out saying our dc are lovely children and it is breaking her heart. I'm kind of in the middle. Neglect seems too harsh but i'm leaning more towards DM - he needs kicking up the arse right?

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 10:23

Oh please - what do you think lone parents do? Fucking cop out

I think lone parents have it really really tough. That's the point. It's really really hard.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/12/2015 10:30

Yes it is! I know it's hard. But I also know I owe my DS a bit better than ignoring him half the day while he plays on a tablet

I often sit in the same room while he watches football or stampy on YouTube and I am in my iPad like now but I wouldn't go back to bed. An hour in the morning while they watch cartoons is fine., all day is not.

I do think half the time on these threads that posters judge the person as if they were like them; so the generally engaged and aware parent who has off days takes offence at this thread because they feel they are being judged for having off days whereas this isn't like them at all. Maybe if you haven't had to deal with a disengaged and emotionally absent parent you can't quite imagine what they are like.

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 10:33

obsidian

Well that's you, hats off to you.

There is no indication the dh is always in bed. He took the kids out and may often (usually) do as you have said you do. Sit with them while they do something

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/12/2015 10:41

Bogeybrains

I suspect that that you have whined spoken to your DM about this and she is know sticking her oar in and judging on the basis of what you have said.

I also suspect that she doesn't like your DH and is happy to interfere.

If she were that bothered why didn't she say something after weekends 1 and 2?

Your DM needs to wind her neck in or find somewhere else to live.

Finally, you say that your DM is judgemental and that you "suspect" that your DH is lazy, you have given her a shed load of ammunition and she has six months to shoot it.

If you want your marriage to last something needs to be done.

pictish · 06/12/2015 10:41

None of us really know what the state of affairs is with weekends in this household. The perspective we view this from depends on who we are.

Some people are energetic go-getters who would balk at sitting around most of the weekend doing non specified pottering. Some people are laid back homebodies who crave time doing nothing at home. Some people want to spend a large proportion of time with their kids engaged in kids' activities and games. Some people think kids can entertain themselves. We are all coming from a different angle here and posting as though ours is the right one.

Whatever the actual scenario here - does anyone disagree with me when I say the OP's mum's outburst and scene-making is the work of a stirrer?

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 10:42

Maybe if you haven't had to deal with a disengaged and emotionally absent parent you can't quite imagine what they are like.

Yes I have, my own for most of my childhood. Absent dad and a mum that couldn't really cope.

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 10:42

Whatever the actual scenario here - does anyone disagree with me when I say the OP's mum's outburst and scene-making is the work of a stirrer?

Not me, I 100% agree!

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/12/2015 10:49

Whatever the actual scenario here - does anyone disagree with me when I say the OP's mum's outburst and scene-making is the work of a stirrer?

Just agreeing with this^

shutupandshop · 06/12/2015 10:53

Its breaking her heart?Hmm fgs give the bloke a break. Its the weekend.

redskybynight · 06/12/2015 10:55

I'm slightly puzzled as to why taking them to the cinema to stare at a screen is considered more worthy than staying at home looking at a screen?

shutupandshop · 06/12/2015 10:56

Since your dm is stating witj you, why doesnt she do some of the weekend childcare?

pictish · 06/12/2015 10:59

And yes, in my opinion, I think the dh probably is rather a selfish, lazy dad.

If she were that bothered why didn't she say something after weekends 1 and 2?

Maybe she held back until she saw a pattern emerging. Only the brassiest neck would start with the critique straight away.

However I do maintain that a reasonable person would have conveyed their observations in a sensitive manner, so as to retain good relations within the household. OP's mum has knowingly and deliberately made quite the melodrama in a set-up where the success depends on entirely on diplomacy.
I don't think either of those people are dusted in glory.

If I were the OP I'd deal with the h and all that entails first.
Then I'd tell mum that it has been dealt with and that I never wanted to come home to a scene like that again.

QueenLaBeefah · 06/12/2015 11:02

I've spent years working full time and caring for the kids at the weekend whilst DH is at work Saturday and Sunday Lets gloss over the fact that DH has 2 lovely child free days mid week (just like the op). Sometimes it is boring and tiring and there is only so many times you can go to the park, cinema and sodding soft play on your own (watching everyone else having adult company) before going insane.

Maybe the op has more time and energy to entertain the kids because she gets proper down time during the week?

The children are also the Op's husbands too and he can parent how he sees fit.

Also it would be a cold day in hell before I let the in laws move in for 6 months. Any criticism (and pathetic crying in her room ) would be met with showing her the door.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/12/2015 11:05

pictish

"If I were the OP I'd deal with the h and all that entails first."

So you would take everything that the DM said as fact and deal with the DH?

Surely the sensible thing to do is find out what goes on at the weekend first.

Lots of posts on this thread have said that what the DH does at the weekend is what they do.

TendonQueen · 06/12/2015 11:06

Lots of comments saying the husband would be quite right to tell the mother to leave. So why hasn't he? Because he knows she's got a point, that's why.

shutupandshop · 06/12/2015 11:07

My dcs do quite a few activities at the weekends, mostly rest of time is spent playing and chilling. entertaining themselves we have the odd day out. Last weekend we went to a shopping outlet (have a teen and pre-teen) my little knes came and spent quite a but of time at the park. We will go to a panto in a few weeks. My children are not neglected. I can inagine my lazy mil reacting like your dm. feck off

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/12/2015 11:09

pictish

"Maybe she held back until she saw a pattern emerging."

If she were 'gathering data' why did she only give a run through of the one day?

rookiemere · 06/12/2015 11:09

Or maybe because he doesn't want to add to the melodrama tendonqueen

Skullyton · 06/12/2015 11:19

I dont see an issue with anything the dad is/has been doing.

The only thing i would ask is that he stays in the living room, not hide in the bedroom.

Your mother needs to stfu.

He works all week, he is at home at the weekend, he took them out, he fed them, he let them enjoy their weekend how they wanted.

Quite frankly, thats what weekends are for.

my oldest has autism, after a week at school, i'm quite strict about letting him get on with whatever he wants to do for most of the weekend so he can de-stress, de-people and regain some spoons ready for the week ahead.

If my mum came in and told me i should be doing more with him and try to stop him playing with what his current obsession is, i'd be finding her somewhere else to live for the next 6 months.

pictish · 06/12/2015 11:22

Boney - no of course not. The OP has told us it was an ongoing concern of hers anyway.

Whatever the reality of the weekends actually is, the OP and her h need to communicate and resolve their thoughts and expectations about it in order to avoid further resentment.
The marriage takes precedence in this event, so that should be calmly confronted first. To then present the issue as a done deal communicates marital unity to the exclusion of Scarlett O'Hara there, and discourages her from taking centre stage in their family dynamics like that again.

Does that make sense?

laundryeverywhere · 06/12/2015 11:23

Thank God my DM would never behave like this and tbh my DH would never agree to let her stay for 6months! But if I were in this situation I would talk to the DH first and tell him sorry for the scene and if he want mil to move out then it will be fair enough, but you will talk to her and make her back off (and maybe help out a bit more). But I would say that maybe you need to talk about what happens at weekends with the kids at a separate time as you can see there are a few problems, maybe a lot of it is down to the difficult situation of you working weekends and not being able to have family time. You need positive solutions so talk about it positively and see if that works.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/12/2015 11:26

pictish

thank you, that makes sense, apologies, I was heading down the wrong track.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/12/2015 11:26

I do agree though with a PP who said she can't completely judge what he did or didn't do with the DC because she was there doing stuff with them too/instead. Sounds like he did contribute and do the basics?

GloriaHotcakes · 06/12/2015 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 06/12/2015 11:36

I suspect he doesn't hide in the hedroom every weekend, even if he is on his phone (like we all are, right now). I think his pita mil might well be the main factor in why he was hiding away. He knew the dc were safe and saw an opportunity to get away from her for a bit