Huge row in our household. Wibu?

[Bogeybrains]

My mum is staying with us at the moment. She's staying for 6 months while she's having some work done to her house.

I have to work every weekend for childcare reasons so DH looks after the DC ages 7 and 5. I have said quite a few times that DH does not seem to do much with them and have confronted him. He will take them to the cinema only if I think to buy tickets the night before, he might take them to the park for an hour. He takes them to his mother's and leaves them there for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon. Apart from that, most weekends they don't seem to do much at all DC don't seem unhappy because they just get to play all weekend but I have long suspected that are just playing on their kindles all day.

My DM has been here for 3 weeks. She has made a few comments about DH just being on his phone all the time and not doing much with them. Today I came home from work at 7pm and when I went to speak to her, she just burst into tears. She said DH stayed in bed until 10 am and they were helping themselves to snacks from the fridge when she came through. She said he then took them out for an hour to look at planes. Came home. Put the telly on for the kids and went to bed. She said he got up for 1 hour to ask if anyone wanted lunch then went back to the bedroom and played on his phone for the rest of the day. She said he didn't play with them once and barely spoke to them. DH overheard us and came in. She accused him of neglecting his children. He's now sulking in the living room, saying she is judgmental and a stirrer. He says he has had a hard week, has a cold and he needed a lazy day but as I said he does not seem to do much with them any weekend. She is in her room crying her eyes out saying our dc are lovely children and it is breaking her heart. I'm kind of in the middle. Neglect seems too harsh but i'm leaning more towards DM - he needs kicking up the arse right?

BadLad

That sounds like something Sheldon would say.

Surely the 5 and 7 year old play together a lot? I have a 6 and 7 year old and they spend hours playing very complex imaginary games at the weekend.

However we are very busy in the week - leave the house at 7.30am and return at 6.15pm.

Why did your mother only wander through at 10am - if my mil had been staying - she'd have been making their breakfast and they'd have been on their 25th painting by then

MrsDeVere

Apologies, but its the only bit that I disagree with, the op doesn't know what goes on at the weekends because she isn't there, we don't know how trustworthy (for want of a better word) the report from her mother is.

Exactly what the DH does on the weekend is an unknown, although I suspect that if she were coming home to unwashed dishes and a messy house it would be mentioned.

Lots of comments saying the husband would be quite right to tell the mother to leave. So why hasn't he? Because he knows she's got a point, that's why.

you know that as a fact do you?

Maybe it's because he is wanting to avoid anymore drama, or its playing in to her hands so she can say 'your dh is horrible'.

Or may be he is like loads of mners who post about their mils but don't actually say anything to them.

May be he knows his wife will always let her mother do what she wants and won't stand up to her, ever.

He may ask her to leave today.

There are tons of reasons he may not have asked her to leave, yet

I wonder if its a simple case of the DH actually asking the kids what they want to do?
I ask my 2.6yo and she has an opinion, I'd imagine at 5&7 they could easily say what they actually want to do and isnt that the important thing, that theyre happy?

Maybe he is a crap, disinterested parent. Maybe he just parents differently but perfectly adequately. We don't know. But from my own very similar experience of a shit stirring histrionic mother, what she's telling you may be very different from what is going on. She sounds like she has her own agenda. If she's so disgusted by his parenting, why didn't she pull him up? Why all the crying and slashing him off behind his back? If you have suspicions about his parenting that should be brought up calmly with him, your mother needs to get her beak out.

Slagging, not slashing.

With how melodramatic the MIL is, we can't really trust her statement can we? Clearly over exaggerated things. He could of been out with them 1-2.5 hours looking at planes, and

Being in the other room all day, could simply means more than I think he should.

Your DM was there, being oh so horrified but not so horrified she felt the need to help.

Someone living their 6 months especially family members aren't guests and should help out a bit, it's not a hotel, and if I were in this situation which is meant to be so horrifying I would (and reckon most) would instinctively helped the DC after all it broke her heart seeing them

DM is a melodramatic shit-stirrer and this is only week three of SIX MONTHS!

She needs to butt the fuck out, or preferably make other arrangements. DM is a guest in the DH's home, not invited in to do a bloody time-and-motion study. How dare she!

The DH could very well be a neglectful lazy-arse but that's for the OP to discuss with him, not mother to march in with her clip-board give her assessment of his performance as a parent.

Crying her eyes out? Really? She needs to get a fecking grip. Right before she starts packing.

She'd be breaking her heart at chez shutup, I've just made the family clean for an hour. Poor child slaves.

Bloody hell. As a child the only thing we ever did on a weekend was visit a garden centre or go to a car boot sale. I certainly wasn't neglected because my parents didn't do much stuff with us at the weekends.

Our weekends now are very relaxed. We wake up at 10.00am the two youngest (8 and 6) get up around 9.00 and make their own breakfast and play or watch some TV. Most of the weekend is relaxing and they play together and no, I don't play with their toys with them.

They love weekends, they love just being able to play and potter around and sometimes they moan when we do actually have to do something.

I wouldn't shut myself away all day but if I was unwell and my MIL was here I wouldn't see a big issue with it.

OP's DM sounds a bit, well odd to say the least. Crying over it is just pathetic and it is stupid to think children need fun things planned and entertaining at weekends. Mine play together and entertain themselves. It's lovely when we do have nice plans, but I certainly do not go out every weekend.

"Sometimes I see the little one talking to him and DH does not even realise."
That's dreadful

"He did take them out, he did feed them. But essentially he is clearly disinterested. And this in itself is a long slow lesson to the dc that their ideas, thoughts and play don't matter- and one that will end up in them feeling badly about themselves, for sure."
I agree with you Dame. I was the sort of child who was very good at entertaining myself, which is just as well because my dad barely interracted with me. The only lovely memories I have of being taken out were with my Mum, who did seem to take parenting seriously. She introduced me to new things and experiences, whereas my dad did sod all with me. Thankfully she divorced him before I started senior school. I never missed him, but then why would I, I have no great relationship with him. 30 years later I feel pretty sad thinking about how my father could be so disinterested in his own daughter and I think that's influenced my relationships with men since.

Lord, I wouldn't like to be in your position. Caught between your mum and your DH like that.

On the one hand, I wouldn't like my MIL moving in with me for 6 months. on the other hand you suspect your DH isn't as engaged with the kids as you'd like.

So, tbh, I would separate those two things out and treat them both gently and slowly, completely independently of one another.

Don't get drawn into a war were you are in the middle.

It's you and your DH's house, your mum is a guest. She needs to be treated with kindness and respect, but she also needs to treat you and your DH with kindness and respect. Try not to do anything were he thinks you are ganging up on him, and show your appreciation for the fact he us ok with your mum staying for 6 months. Encourage/ask her to do the same.

Your DH is your kid's dad and maybe you could speak with him about doing more with them at the weekend- but once this has died down and blown over a bit. it might take you spending a bit more time with your DH and also you, DH and the kids learning how to spend time together too.

Maybe, whilst your DM is staying with you,come with with more structured plans to make it work? i.e. ask her to look after the kids sometimes (evening or weekends) so you and DH can have time together to make sure he doesn't feel out in the cold, as her to loo after the during th week so you have some me time and ask her to look after them at the weekend when you are working so he gets some me time too.

You could also ask her to do some tasks you or DH normally do, to leverage some time, so that you DG, and the kids have some time together to learn to have a bot more "quality time" and that will rub off on him a bit when he looks after them alone. also, make sure you and DH organise times where you can include her in that time.

There's hopefully a way way that this could make things a lot easier on all of you for the next while. Bu tI think you need to 1. Let the situation coold down and 2. Take a longer termed more planned and managed view of how that's going to work. six months of an law moving in isn't going to work without a bit of thought and effort from all the adults involved.

'"Sometimes I see the little one talking to him and DH does not even realise."
That's dreadful '

Is it?

If OPs children are anything like mine they can talk non stop for bloody hours on end. It's like a wall to wall white noise to nobody in particular and it's just not possible to tune into that for the whole time, you need your own thoughts too.

Good on the OPs DH if he's managed to find a way to phase out the noise to get some peace in his own head. The DC will just keep on and on and on and on and on badgering him until they get his attention, no different to if he was talking to the OP and they wanted his attention.

I'm with you AgentZigZag
My dc3, in particular just talks nonstop for all her waking hours. Everybody zones out after a while. Are the "That's terrible" brigade really telling me they have never zoned out when they are concentrating on something, when one of their dc starts talking ?

OP, have you asked the kids what they'd like to do or do with their dad?

You don't like what he does & have spoken to him & nothing changes & tbh that's shit if the kids are unhappy.

Also lego, drawing, puzzles doesn't take a lot of organising if he doesn't want to go out but doesn't want them on kindles all day.

What do you do with them when you have them all day?

Not just zoning out though BackforGood, it implies parents should never focus their attention on anything else if their DC are around just in case they can't respond immediately to any passing prattle insightful inquiry.

But diddl DCs haven't said they are unhappy?
Nor has Op's DH said that he doesn't want them on kindles all day.

Slightly off tangent, but DS 9 didn't leave the house all day yesterday. In the morning he played with his pals on the X-box making stuff on minecraft, in the afternoon his pal from the street came round and they did a number , then in the evening my friend came. As DH is away this weekend I was looking forward to the adult company, so when DS came in whining that he was bored, I sent him on his way. He reappeared several hours later having found an electronics kit and had set up his own circuit board. So therefore ignorning them sometimes is a productive and useful thing to do.

Pitpats post is very constructive and helpful.

I know you can get online with kindles now and as they're small DC that would be unlikely (?) but aren't kindles essentially books?

I might be missing something but surely nobody limits the time their DC spend reading do they?

(not aiming that at you diddl, it's just that your post reminded me and I meant to ask what the problem with kindles might be last night)

Yep I zone ds out.

He doesn't stop talking....ever. Most of the time he isn't even really wanting an answer. He talks at me.

Sometimes I pull him up on it, sometimes I zone him out.

I know you can get online with kindles now and as they're small DC that would be unlikely (?) but aren't kindles essentially books?

Yes, my dd can spend all day reading her kindle or books, it's not a day wasted in my book.

I would kill to be able to lounge about reading all day

OP, I haven't read the full thread, I just can't bear to do so.

You DH sounds like an adequate parent. If your mother felt it could and should be done better, she should have stepped up rather than criticising. You have a very long 6 months ahead of you.

Just as an aside, attitudes vary as to how much direct input from parents children need. Studies seem to show across cultures and time that many different approaches are fine. If your husband doesn't have the energy or temprament to directly engage 2 children for 8 hours straight and come up with new fun ideas every weekend, perhaps you could sign the kids up for some weekend activities such as swimming, football, etc. That way there would be a structure to the weekends that would help DH to keep the DC stimulated.

I personally think a little down time for kids is both ok and necessary. So, if after mountain biking club, drama, or whatever DH brings your DC home, feeds them, and then let's them putter or watch TV for a couple of hours, I doubt it would do the DC any harm.

I think your DH deserves a medal letting MIL live there for 6 months. Fuck that.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this - which you know far better than any of us, Bogeybrains - I think you need to be very careful here in remembering that you're the parents, and that any real issues will be dealt with by you two without undue interference. It's one thing if your DM made a gentle observation, but the histrionics suggest there's rather more going on, with her perhaps overstepping the mark

Having relatives to stay for an extended period isn't always easy, and if she really has to be there I'd recommend some ground rules being introduced to avoid future problems, a refusal to listen to tale-telling being one of them